Brad: You awaken on a shore.
Brad: Nearby is a fisherman. To the East is a waterfall. To the North is The great plains. To the West is a rapidly approaching steam roller, to the South is CUBA.
Shay: check fisherman
Brad: IT IS A TRAP. "Fake Fisherman Industries proudly welcomes you to this STEAMROLLER SHORE TRAP." As you read the tag on the fisherman, the steamroller begins squishing the bejeezus out of you.
Shay: check steamroller
Brad: STEAMIN' Co. #47 Steamroller, set on kill. Rolling all up ons you.
Brad: You have:Hair Dryer, KNEE ACHE
Brad: ... vast bone damage
Brad: ...progressing up your walking legs
Shay: check bone damage
Brad: Your leg bones are splintered and shredding the painful wounds that were once your grade A walking legs.
Shay: realize what is happening, scream hysterically
Brad: Your screams awaken and summon the CHIGGER ARMY from the underbrush of the nearby field. You can hear them approaching
Shay: beg chiggers for mercy
Brad: They are a merciless lot, and begin feeding on your tender organs.
Shay: check organs
Brad: Your organs are being eaten by chiggers, some are being progressively squished by the STEAMROLLER. You have acquired: INTENSE PAIN AND SHAME
Brad: You have died of dysentery.
Brad: Score 148 out of a possible 7,0000
Brad: power ups accessed, 8
Brad: extra lives - 1
Brad: please insert coin to continue
Shay: dysentery, didn't see that coming
Brad: No one does
Shay: I think I'm rusty
Brad: No, that's tetanus