Brad and Shay's textellent adventure

Chicken Pot BWOOOOWOWWWWWWW

2011-07-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Shay: so I have a question for you
Shay: did you actually have chicken pot pie on Monday?
Shay: and also, why did you choose to post on facebook about it out of the blue? and also, how friggin weird is it that we were having chicken pot pie as well? :O
Shay: you creep me out sometimes with your psychic nature
Shay: and your drinking of tapioca-flavored human blood
Shay: but mostly the chicken pot pie stuff
Brad: Shay, if I told you, you wouldn't be able to handle it
Shay: TELL ME
Brad: no
Shay: ;_;
Shay: so how you doing? can we bring you guys some meals? and see teh bebe?
Brad: yessir!
Shay: yay!
Shay: it will be chicken pot pie with a blood tapioca dessert, of course
Brad: Bloodpioca
Brad: So but seriously, you don't know how it is I can psychically discern when you're eating chicken pot pie?
Brad: Tell me your feelings when you read my post, and realized I knew what you were eating, as if I was eating it with you.
Shay: in my head, that musical sting from Inception played, several times in a row - BWOOOOWWWWWWW.... BWOWWWWWW
Brad: yesssss.
Shay: it was like the twist ending of a M. Night Shyamalyan movie... "HE KNEW YOU WERE EATING CHICKEN POT PIE ALL ALONG"
Brad: I imagined also a nice focus pull
Shay: exactly, like in Vertigo
Brad: yep
Shay: we could do this for 2 hours... just an opening scene of us eating chicken pot pie, then we put our dishes away, I look at Facebook and see your post, and then these effects for the remaining 110 minutes of screen time:
Shay: my mind being blown
Shay: the camera zooming in from across the room into my retina
Shay: and then a cut to you outside our window, grinning maniacally and eating chicken pot pie
Shay: laughing with the crumbs in your mouth
Brad: it's what I do
Brad: I love it when your programmer mind is stumped by my right brained whimsy.
Shay: so my guess is that it was all coincidence and randomness.
Shay: but I know that now you have this over me you'll never reveal the truth.
Shay: and I can accept and respect that. it's the right move in fact.
Shay: my left brain will have to rest without having this puzzle solved, somehow, and just go back to throbbing.
Brad: Your m... no, too easy.
Shay: dang it
Brad: Truthfully it was all a coincidence, that I leveraged into your paranoia.
Shay: you're good at that
Brad: ...
Brad: unless it wasn't
Brad: BWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW
Shay: :O
Shay: so speaking of which, I've been a bit obsessed with magicians and con artists, lately
Brad: That's interesting
Brad: Mm pizza
Shay: nice guess but I'm not eating pizza
Brad: Neither am I
Brad: I just like it
Shay: it is good
Shay: hmm
Brad: You know, the day I posted about potpie. I had a strange urge to post that and didn't know why
Brad: now I do... it is my destiny to mess with you
Shay: don't tell me that man
Shay: BWOWWWWWWW
Shay: that's happening again
Shay: I don't have time for all these bwows happening to me
Brad: BWOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW
Shay: man
Brad: It's true. I have a psychic link to your eating habits
Brad: Or to all chicken pot pies, one of the two
Shay: actually, I think the meal Laura was planning to make for y'all was pizza
Brad: see?
Shay: so you're creeping me out again
Brad: I knew pizza was in your future
Shay: although now I think that you already heard that from Katie talking to Laura and then you, and you're trying to mess with my head again
Brad: no, actually, I didn't
Shay: BWOWWWWWWWWW
Shay: stop that!
Brad: BWOOOWWWWWWW
Shay: >:-|
Brad: well, you're not alone
Brad: kate hates when I guess things too
Brad: take your dog outside
Shay: I'm not at home
Shay: nice try though
Brad: It's not a perfect science
Brad: What if you heighten my psychic ability to the point of superpower? But you get no noticable effect from interacting with me other than being slightly annoyed?
Shay: are you suggesting that I'm heightening your ability in this way right now, through trial and error?
Brad: I knew you were going to ask that
Shay: okay, then. Think of a card, right now
Shay: let me know when you have it in mind
Shay: any card
Brad: Nvidia
Shay: okay any card that would come in a deck of playing cards
Brad: Oh
Brad: Joker
Shay: just tell me when you think of it, don't tell me what it is
Shay: okay that's what I was going to guess, but you weren't supposed to say it.
Shay: pick another one
Shay: tell me when you have it
Brad: instruction card
Shay: ...
Shay: okay that was my second guess but YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS
Brad: I think I have proven my point.
Shay: BWOWWWWWWWW
Brad: BWOOOOOWOWWWWW

Deincarnated

2011-05-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

Brad: You have been killed. Your soul stands at the dock of the river Styx. You see the boat to the other side approaching.
Shay: examine boat
Brad: The boat seems hewn of living bone, the steersman is awash in black. He appears to be listening to a walkman.
Shay: dip self in styx
Brad: Don't understand "self"
Shay: examine walkman
Brad: The walkman appears to be playing a cassette tape of ZZTop's Afterburner album.
Shay: say hey man what's up?
Shay: say you come here often?
Shay: say I guess so huh? so what's it like down here?
Brad: Don't understand "inane small talk"
Shay: say fine then
Shay: enter boat
Brad: As you enter the boat, the steersman presents a bony hand, desiring your tokens for passing ....
Shay: take coins from eyes
Brad: You remove your coins from your eyes. A blinding red laser now emits forth, puncturing the boat, drowning the steersman, short circuiting the walkman, and endangering the hobbits at your feet.
Shay: say whoa, sorry man
Shay: put coin on left eye
Shay: squint right eye
Brad: Don't understand 'whoa'
Brad: game over
Brad: Score 0
Shay: restart
Brad: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......* You have been awakened to the sound of a defibrilator. You stare up at the doctor from the hospital gurney.
Brad: The doctor says "We thought we lost you"
Shay: say what happened i was in heaven
Shay: say put me back
Shay: say nah I'm just kiddin ya man, it's good to be back
Brad: The doctor says "By lost, I mean, lost. You've been locked in the broom closet for a week. No one knew where you were."
Shay: examine doctor
Brad: The doctor says "Whoa now, big fella, I'll be doing the examining here." then hands you a lollipop.
Shay: examine room
Brad: You are in a very large examination room. The doctor is smiling at you as he fills out his chart. you are sitting on the examination table, a bit disoriented.
Shay: remember
Brad: You remember horribly murdering death himself on his pleasure boat down at the river styx. You also remember the screams of the hobbits you incinerated.
Shay: smile
Brad: You bare your teeth
Shay: ask doctor about death
Brad: You attempt to speak, but the doctor just ignores you, finishes his chart, and walks out of the enormous examining room as the nurse comes in and fits you with a restraining collar and chain.
Shay: smile
Brad: You bare your teeth again, slobbering on the countertop
Shay: examine nurse
Brad: you sniff the nurse. She swats you with a rolled up newspaper.
Shay: say hey baby what's happening
Brad: You growl at the nurse.
Shay: heck yeah I do
Shay: stand up
Brad: You have raised your point of view approximately one foot
Shay: examine self
Brad: You are a dog.
Shay: howl sadly
Shay: bay, even.
Brad: You bay as the doctors lead you out of the examination room.
Shay: run like the dickens
Shay: poop everywhere
Brad: You begin to run like Charles Dickens, in a sad, gloomy way. Pooping as you go. Until you realize your family is happy to see you, grinning at your misunderstood running style and tolerant of your uncontrollable bowel function.
Shay: wag tail!
Brad: As you are reunited with your family, in a group hug, a man with an insanely long beard outside removes the coins from his eyes, and burns the place down, killing all inside.
Brad: Game over
Brad: score 12
Shay: brad
Brad: yes?
Shay: why does everyone have lasereyes?
Brad: It's Lasereye Village
Brad: it says so on the top of the game cabinet
Shay: of course.
Shay: eat lollipop.

"Nobody stops a man carrying balloons."

2011-03-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

Shay: more photos of me: http://www2.brightroom.com/browser.aspx?eid=78828&bib=3880
Brad: what
Shay: photos from the Cap 10k on Sunday
Brad: what were you running from that can't be dealt with via conventional means of mediation?
Shay: a BUNCH of people
Shay: it was scary
Brad: you shouldn't be around people
Brad: that would fix it
Shay: that's one solution
Brad: The other solution is to pay a group of swiss scientists to develop hummingbirds insect hybrids that only want to suck the eyeball juice out of your enemies, and sneak in under cover of darkness and set them upon your enemies.
Shay: but how would I transport them Brad?
Shay: that's the snag I keep running into with that plan
Brad: inside balloon,s obviously
Brad: nobody stops a man carrying balloons
Brad: and since they're humminbirds, they can just hover inside
Brad: think!
*Shay smacks his head so hard he dies instantly*
Shay: of course!
Brad: Except the other flaw in your plan is, if people sleep with sunglasses.
Shay: well no one would do that unless they wanted to keep track, keep track of the visions in their eyes.
Brad: Although once they get word that their cohorts in crime are waking up to a eyeball juice sucking proboscis lodged in their seein' holes, they're apt to stop their tomfoolery.
Shay: hmm
Shay: these are valid concerns.
Brad: ...
Brad: you should ... sleep on it
Shay: ...
*Brad plays a lullabye*
*Shay puts on sunglasses over the sunglasses he already has on*
Brad: NO
*Shay says a clever quip and then music by The Who plays*
Brad: that only angers them!
*Brad 's balloons all pop*

Fingernail in the Coffin

2011-01-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

Brad: Shay
Brad: do you realize we have new followers on our textellent adventures?
Brad and Shay turn to look at the audience.
Shay : ooh

Shay : well you linked it on Slothfurnace.com
Brad: yes
Brad: and slothfurnace has gotten (checks statistics) 8491269 hits just in January
Shay : wow
Shay : it's almost like we should do another one or something ... sys32592
Brad: Welcome to LaundryLauncher! Please insert 0.75 cents.
Shay : insert coins
Brad: Please enter kind of coins inserted: ________
Shay : doubloons
Brad: You awaken in a large, dilapidated Laundromat. It is dusk outside, and you are alone. Beyond the grimy windows you hear a faint shuffling.
Shay : look
Brad: You see a large, dilapidated Laundromat. Banks of aged, abandoned washing machines sit alone, yearning for the days gone by when they cheerfully accepted peoples dirty clothes into their gaping maws. One machine in particular has it's door opening and closing rhythmically. A heap of clothes below it.
Shay : look clothes
Brad: You stand next to the heap of clothes. Darks and whites, and colors haphazardly mixed together with no regard for color bleed or dingy whites.
Shay : tsk
Shay : sort out whites
Brad: Don't understand "out"
Shay : sort whites
Brad: Son't understand Dort
Shay : look Dort
Brad: You glance at Dort, your biomechanical sidekick. He has been deactivated, and his robotparts removed. He was a good cyborg chum. He will be missed.
Shay : look rhythmically gaping washer
Brad: You bend down to examine the gaping washer.... you hear a kind of mechanical wind. almost a breathing noise as the door opens and closes. The washing machine seems oddly tilted, as if it wasn't installed correctly.
Shay : put whites in machine
Brad: RACISM - BAD - MINUS 45 points
Shay : put white clothes in machine
Brad: You attempt to place colorless clothing into the washing machine.. as you open the door, the washing machine suddenly snorts to life and attempts to bite your hand off. You drop the clothes and scamper away as a whole flock of washing machine monsters wake up and detect your intrusion into their hive. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - AGITATION CYCLE
Shay : look for exit
Brad: Don't understand "For"
Shay : look exit
Brad: You assume the shape of an exit. The hordes of demon appliances escape through you into dimensions unknown.
Shay : look at self
Brad: You have no mirror
Shay : i
Brad: You are carrying: 0.75 cents, A map of DETROIT, two tickets to the county faire, a SKELETON KEY
Shay : shape shift into roboparts
Brad: You cannot do that
Shay : exit through self
Brad: There are demons in there, you don't want to go to there.
Shay : look windows
Brad: You view a shattered dystopia. The streets cluttered with trash and debris. A newspaper outside catches your eye. In 48pt bold Helvetica (above the fold) it reads: "CATASTROPHE!" Below it in 24 pt bold Garamond, the kicker reads: "Full story of how we are doomed below the fold."
Shay : Read story
Brad: The rest of the story is folded underneath the newspaper.
Shay : look
Brad: You stand inside an abandoned Laundromat. One wall of machines gone, the lint and errant coins litter the floor where they once stood. The walls bare except for the windows you are looking through and the doorway clearly marked EXIT to you left.
Shay : exit
Brad: You easily exit the Laundromat. You are standing in a cluttered street. A newspaper at your feet. A skittering noise turns your head to see some wires and tubing creeping away from you around the corner.
Shay : take newspaper, examine fonts in greater detail
Brad: You regard the font choices, layout and headline design in great admiration. The cool, sharp sans serif leaping of the page into your eyeholes and reminding you of the days when newspapers were read by men and women. The faint aroma of ink sends chills down your spine.
Shay : look hands
Brad: You are holding a newspaper which contains the fate of your people. Why they would stop to make a run of printed news while being wiped out tugs at your brain, but is a mystery for another time.
Shay : drop newspaper, check cleanliness of hands
Brad: You drop the newspaper, as it falls to the ground it shatters into dust, as it was extremely old. Your hands are perfectly clean, no OIL or harm is present.
Shay : check fingernails
Brad: Your fingernails are all missing.
Shay : scream
Brad: As you lift your head to scream, you realize screaming would only alert predators to your location. And that's exactly what they're expecting.
Shay : listen
Brad: You faintly hear the sounds of a carnival merry go round off in the distance to the WEST. You also hear the rumblings of the DEMON WASHING MACHINES forever banished to your insides.
Shay : w
Brad: You have voted for George W. Bush. Welcome to the GOP
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - TIMETRAVELINGVOTER
Shay : undo
Shay : undoundoundoundoundo
Shay : go west
Brad: *Processing undos. NOVOTEFORW / VOTEFORW / NOVOTEFORW / VOTEFORW / NOVOTEFORW / VOTEFORW / - Result... you have VOTED FOR W.
Shay : press TURBO button
Brad: You now enjoy the scent of cake.
Shay : release the demonic washing machines
Brad: You release the imprisoned washing machine monsters. They encircle you, regarding your "I Voted For Dubya" wardrobe. Collectively they decide you should be torn asunder for your opinionated political display, and your lack of adherence to constitutional law, which prohibits time travel voting. As you mildly protest being eaten by washing machines, a parade of possessed household appliances wanders by singing in the "49th annual extinction of humans day parade"
Brad: You have died
Brad: Score: 482 Score Tax: 15%. Total Score: 86
Shay : check fingernails
Brad: With your last effort, you watch your fingernails at the controls of the foremost parade float. They have done this. They are the reason for the season. Game Over.
Shay : wow
Brad: Bet you didn't see that coming.
Shay : so is that, like, an allegory? a cautionary tale? about the danger of giving too much control to presidents, and/or fingernails?
Brad: Obviously your fingernails took over the world in 2012, and ushered in the rise of sentient evil household appliances.
Shay : because of their cunning use of fonts, which they used to distract the people from both the oncoming machine uprising and peoples' evolved abilities to turn into exits.
Brad: It's essentially a tale of two cities meets Alias Smith and Jones.
Brad: had you figured out that you were only holding 3/4 of a penny the whole time, you might have survived
Shay : ah, of course, it was so obvious.
Brad: But yeah, you lost anyway.

First-Person Adventure

2010-11-15T08:30:00.000-08:00

Shay:       if you like platformers, especially hard platformers
Shay:       play Super Meat Boy
Shay:       just an FYI
Brad:   Your mom likes to play super meatboy, but it's not a platformer
Shay:       it's not hard either.
Brad:   ohsnap
Brad:   I see what you did there.com
Brad:   wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Brad:   oops
Brad:   I was pressing W to go forward
Brad:   .... in this chat window. Doesn't work
Shay:       You are in a grassy meadow. You are holding a wooden pickaxe. There is a cube sun in the sky above you. Before you is tree, a pig, and an infinite plane of random mountains.
Brad:   dig hole
Brad:   in pig
Shay:    don't understand "dig". or "in".
Brad:   harvest sweet sweet bacon
Shay:    don't understand "harvest"
Brad:   taste bacon
Shay:    don't understand "taste"
Brad:   load bacon
Shay:    don't understand "load". HINT: This game only accepts standard FPS commands.
Brad:   right click
Shay:    you hit the pig with your pickaxe. it squeals and dies. bacon lies directly before you.
Brad:   left click
Shay:    you collect the bacon.
Shay:    the cubic sun moves slightly lower towards the horizon
Brad:   w
Shay:    you move 1 foot north.
Brad:   wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Shay:    you move 5 feet north. a tree is now before you
Brad:   ddddwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwddddwwwaawwwssssss
Brad:   spacebar
Brad:   sssssssssssssssa
Shay:    you move 4 ft east, 15 ft north, 4 more ft east, and jump off a mountain
Shay:    you have died
Shay:    the cubist sun sinks a bit lower.
Brad:   esc
Shay:    select option: respawn, adjust sound, adjust graphics, load new level, load multiplayer
Brad:   X
Shay:    nothing happens.
Brad:   ctrl alt del
Shay:    here are your running processes: GTalk.exe, IQpierce.exe, Photoshop.exe
Brad:   iqpierce.exe
Shay:    what do you want to do to IQpierce.exe?
Brad:   kill process
Shay is now offline.
Brad: Shay?
Shay is currently offline. Your messages will not be received.
Brad: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
Shay is currently offline. Your messages will not be received.

The Gravy Yard

2010-09-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

Shay: I wonder if people at the state fair have made friend creamed corn.
Brad: ...
Shay: fried creamed corn
Shay: not friend
Brad: yes
Shay: that n makes a big difference.
Brad: hahah yes it does
Shay: could be good though
Brad: I tell you, my idea of a chain of fastfood joints that only sell fair food is one of my better ideas
Brad: it would make million
Shay: I don't think most people want that year round, also remember that people successfully sued McDonalds for a lot of money
Brad: those two things aren't related
Brad: NONSEQUITUR
Shay: your customers will all die
Brad: but I will have all their sweet sweet cash
Brad: now THAT is the best slogan I have ever heard
Brad: "Welcome to Fair Food. Our customers will all die."
Shay: It's the new "I'm Lovin' It".
Brad: "I'm Dyin from it"
Shay: haha
Shay: "I'm Luggin' It"
Brad: The kids behind the counter have to wear grim reaper outfits
Shay: so the people sitting behind me are now talking about fried butter from the fair
Shay: this is weird
Shay: totally a coincidence, I didn't incite this conversation at all.
Brad: it is the shining
Shay: now they devised something called a "Meat Pillow"
Shay: which would have "Beef Curtains" on the side... and now their conversation is officially out of HR-approved territory
Brad: This is almost as good as my mall foodcourt restaurant idea
Brad: The GravyYard
Brad: it's a halloween themed condiment kiosk.
Shay: well you can combine these man
Shay: call your fair food restaurant The Gravy Yard; have them also serve gravy-heavy items, and wear grim reaper outfits
Shay: and use the slogan "Die Happy."
Shay: I think we have a solid concept here.
Brad: ...Fried Gravy
Brad: OMF'nG FRIED GRAVY
Shay: oh man
Shay: all right you have to make that now, and release it at the fair, and WIN THE FAIR.
Shay: man
Shay: my mouth is watering right now
Brad: You dip your fried gravy in buckets of steak
Shay: hahahahahaha
Brad: or, meatbuckets
Shay: steak sauce
Shay: ...sauce made of pureed steak!
Brad: You must now salivate
Shay: Oh I'm there
Brad: ...fried gravy.
Shay: it's genius, Brad.
Brad: I am a ninja of nom

X-Men Onited

2010-08-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

Brad: one of the guys at lunch was nicknamed "fingers"
Brad: An animator
Shay: hmm
Brad: I don't know what.
Shay: they're these things on the end of your handstumps
Brad: why
Shay: that's what.
Shay: I don't know why we have them though, they just get chopped off
Shay: no matter what I do
Brad: what if your fingers grew like beaverteeth? And you were always having to gnaw the ends off
Shay: I think they do
Brad: oh, fingernails, right
Shay: you have those right?
Brad: somewhat
Shay: ...
Brad: but they're metal, like in that movie
Shay: X-Men 3?
Brad: and my blood is acid
Brad: no
Brad: alien resurrection
Shay: oh, right
Brad: They didn't even make an X-men 3
Shay: yes they did
Brad: so who's to say? there could be metalfingernailman in that movie
Shay: there was an angel in it, and some naked chick
Brad: that's #2
Shay: I was thinking of X-Men 2, it had a metalfingerwoman in it
Brad: xmen united
Brad: that's the wolverine movie
Brad: completely different
Shay: you either totally have these movies confused, or are trying to confuse me
Brad: Looks like it's time to prove you wrong again
Shay: in #2 Wolverine fights another admantium chick, she has long fingernails like his claws
Shay: in #3 there's the angel guy and the kid who robs people of their powers
Shay: and I've never seen the Wolverine movie but the girl with fingernails... probably isn't in it
Shay: Liev Schreiber is though, everyone told me I look exactly like him in that movie
Brad: In #2, there's an onion monster with a thirst for liquid blood, and in #3, they take a trip to the merry christmas.
Shay: hahaha
Shay: why specify liquid blood?
Brad: I didn't write it
Shay: hahahahahaha

Meat a?

2010-08-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Brad suggested, as he often does, that I am incorrect in pronouncing the prefix "meta" as "MAY-ta".

Shay: http://www.htmlcodetutorial.com/document/index_tagsupp_14.html
Shay: "It turns out there are three common pronunciations: METT-uh, MAY-tuh, and MEE-tuh. Interestingly, many people feel that "their" way is the "right way" (that's human nature for you) and have never heard anyone pronounce it differently. In the end, any of the three is as correct as the others."
Shay: see, everyone is equally right
Shay: except the people saying MEE-tuh, who are clearly idiots.
Shay: or just hungry
Shay: ...for meat.
Brad: That's like how the indians had the perception that their god was a wolf who turned into an indian.
Shay: not really though
Brad: Shay, it's the fact that perception taints reality
Brad: If you observe an indian, it dies.
Brad: It's the heisenberg uncertainty principle
Shay: also I think this mythology you're quoting is from Twilight
Shay: except for the quantum mechanics part.
Brad: I haven't ever seen the movie twilight
Brad: If you pass an indian through a bose-einstein condensate, you can slow down light enough to sparkle a vampire.
Shay: now it all makes sense.

Adventure #-1: Adventure Textellent Shay's and Brad

2010-08-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Brad: Score 1,300
Shay: Yay!
Brad: Achievements unlocked - 8
Brad: LEVEL UP
Shay: I'm so good at this!
Shay: What am I doing?
Brad: You have died
Shay: :O
Brad: You are being eaten by slugs
Shay: my corpse stands up
Brad: You have fallen into a pit of slugs
Shay: my corpse is clumsy.
Brad: Don't understand "backwards"
Shay: ......so this is running backwards?
Brad: To the East is PIT O SLUGS To the West is ALCATRAZ to the North is Magic Kingdom
Shay: look
Brad: You have: Seven dwarven charms, A talisman of eternal seepage, MAGIC ROPE
Shay: eat pineapple upside-down cake; i
Brad: The Pineapple Upside Down Cake has cornered you in the hall of mirrors. It will serve you riddles until your mind breaks. You may not survive.
Shay: e
Brad: You have crossed the river to the east. Further east is the HALL OF MIRRORS. An aged sign says "Beware of Pineapple Upside Down Cake"
Shay: take talisman of internal inconsistency; e
Brad: You have shunned his people for the last time. The leprechaun haberdasher offers you a talisman of internal incontinence.
Shay: shun leprechauns
Brad: You have defeated the evil slug overlord. The leprechaun people have been freed, but at a heavy cost. Your now loyal subjects pledge their undying loyalty and as many wishes as you can use in your lifetime.
Shay: wait!
Brad: Offended, the evil Slug Overlord lunges at you with tentacles and howitzer legs,, certain doom is upon you as you remember what your uncle once told you about evil slug overlords. "You gotta just wait for them to trip on their shoelaces. They never tie their shoes"
Shay: man.. this is kinda painful...
Brad: The slug overlord offers you a dainty cake made of leavened bread and frosting as a symbol of peace and friendship. "I am sure this will ease your pain."
Brad: Don't understand "confused "
Shay: ... I'm confused by all this, but at least I know I'm not going to die at the end!
Brad: Invalid name. You have died. Your corpse is resurrected in the oppressed leprechaun village. The slug overlord gazes upon you in a threatening way. He stoops down and offers you a plate of something tasty.
Shay: what
Brad: CHOOSE NAME
Shay: am I alive?
Shay: ????
Brad: INSERT QUESTION MARKS
Brad: WELCOME TO LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE
Shay: you hurt my head sometimes, Brad.
Brad: It's what I do

(If you want to read this adventure in reverse order, here go just.)

Non-Chigger Bugs

2010-07-15T08:20:00.001-07:00

Brad: I solved my lightsaber switch problem
Shay: what was the problem?
Brad: there wasn't a switch.
Shay: haha
Shay: that is a problem
Shay: sometimes I think that, in game development, we shouldn't have both task management software and a bug tracker
Shay: we should just have a bug tracker... and one top-priority bug that is, "Game doesn't work."
Brad: I once added "Marshall must wash brad's truck" to the deliverables list to be submitted to the publisher
Brad: it got approved and sent back
Brad: Marshall never did wash my truck
Shay: haha
Shay: I once opened a bug that said: "BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR", and assigned it to Seth.
Brad: bwaha
Shay: Oh, and after Star Wars: Episode 2 came out, I opened a bug titled "C-3P0 Doesn't Remember the Homestead"
Brad: Hahaha
Shay: Details: "In Episode II, we see C-3PO at the Lars Family homestead on Tatooine. In Episode IV he returns to it and seems to have no memory of it. You need to resolve this." Assigned to Seth.
Shay: There was a lot of discussion and theorizing on the bug.
Shay: 2 years later, after Episode III came out and they wiped C-3P0's memory at the end of it, I closed the bug.
Brad: What were the repro steps?
Shay: 1. watch episode II; 2. watch episode IV; 3. ???; 4. profit!
Shay: there may have been a step missing there.
Brad: The step where Lucas goes slowly insane for Ewoks?
Shay: heh

Out of honks [feat. Marshall]

2010-07-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Brad: It is.... friday. Did you get your chicken wings?
Brad: They had a trough of them here at work.
Brad: Prolly a thousand wings. To eat.
Marshall: no. I had chipotle with the boss instead
Brad: Bruce Springsteen?
Marshall: that would have been cool
Marshall: Except I'd be buggin him the whole time to sing me some "BORNNNN IN THE USAAAA"
Marshall: and while he was doin that I'd go through his stuff
Brad: You'd think eventually he'd just not be able to anymore.
Marshall: yeah I think that happens to all of us
Brad: Much like the horn in my truck stopped working. It was just... out of honks after 10 years.
Marshall: haha
Marshall: you spent em all
Marshall: I'm savin mine
Brad: They're an investment
Brad: I need to buy more honks.
Marshall: hahah
Brad: Act now while there's still time, 100 honks for you and friends!
Marshall Womack: i hate acting
Brad: Acting?
Brad: Like, in a play?
Brad: or like "I didn't just eat the last pile of spaghetti"
Marshall: yes.
Marshall: no.
Marshall: you've asked me to "act now"
Marshall: and I wont
Brad: Oh
Brad: You're trying to beat me at my own literal game. Touche.

Ambiguity

2010-07-07T11:43:00.000-07:00

Shay: http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/6950/
Shay: of course guys at work have just been doing this using lego pieces
Shay: they have a nice Shy Guy from SMB2, and a little Mario from SMB1
Brad: That's cool
Brad: I have a ton of legos.. I should make some vintage chars.
Shay: make mega man, and quick man
Brad: I think I'll take my time with it
Brad: I don't like getting in a hurry
Shay: hahahahahaha

On a warm summer's evening, on a train bound for THE FUTURE

2010-06-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

Shay: you know I can't ignore a challenge
Shay: that's why I get totally addicted to games
Brad: I challenge you to lick the sun.
Shay: I'll be right back
Sent at 3:26 PM on Wednesday
Brad: Shay?
Sent at 3:39 PM on Wednesday
Brad: ok, stop trying to lick the sun. it is impossible
Shay: give me a minute or two more
Brad: No, the time has come to lock S foils in attack position.
Shay: if S stands for Sunlicker, I agree.
Brad: Sunlicker.
Brad: Good band name
Shay: yeah
Brad: How bout this: KENNY ROGERS PRESENTS
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CLAW 2
Brad: INSERT POKER
Shay: I...
Shay: .......how did you know I love Kenny Rogers...
Brad: I read your file.
Shay: if I play this game, will I actually get to...
Shay: 1) do something
Shay: 2) meet Kenny Rogers?
Shay: 3) LICK Kenny Rogers?
Brad: 1)yes, 2)no
Brad: 3)
Brad: MAYBE
Shay: ...
Shay: open fireplace; take poker; insert poker
Brad: You insert poker deep into your chest, YOU HAVE DIED
Shay: !
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CURSE IS UPON YE
Shay: look gambler
Brad: Somewhere in the distance, the gambler, he broke even.
Brad: Score 12.
Brad: KENNY ROGERS LICKED: 0
Brad: You did earn one credit if you want to play again
Shay: ...what's the high score on number of Kenny Rogers licked?
Brad: MONKETBOY has achieved 1,439 LICKS
Shay: ...
Shay: insert credit
Brad: CREDIT DENIED
Shay: ...
Brad: Ellipsis Accepted as credit.
Shay: what
Brad: You have ONE LIFE TO LIVE
Shay: sweet
Brad: YOU MUST CHOOSE - ALL MY CHILDREN's HOSPITAL, REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS, MILLENIUM FALCON CREST
Shay: which one of these has kenny
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR: Don't understand KENNY
Shay: which one of these has
Brad: REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS
Shay: weird parser.
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED SECRET LEVEL
Shay: look
Brad: You are in VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL.
Brad: To the NORTH is FOOD COURT
Brad: To the SOUTH is DAINTY OBJECTS
Brad: To the WEST is SLEEPY HOBO
Brad: To the OTHER WEST is CASH REGISTER
Shay: go north; look kenny rogers' roasters
Brad: You enter the FOOD COURT. The BURGER KING resides on his THRONE. The loyal subjects dance for his pleasures. You inquire as to the whereabouts of KENNY ROASTER. No one knows how to speak your language.
Shay: look throne
Brad: THE BURGER KING resides on it. It is constructed of vinyl LPs and yeti pelts. On the floor is a UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying: KENNY ROGERS, A LOCKED ANTI LICKING FACEMASK, a FLASHLIGHT, PIPE CLEANERS.
Shay: !
Brad: You empty your inventory on the ground.
Brad: Except for your facemask.
Shay: upside-down i?
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR
Shay: look kenny rogers
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has been malnourished and beaten unconscious. He wears a beaver suit, and may have at one time been GAMBLING.
Shay: take translator, ask burger king to feed beloved kenny
Shay: ...also lick kenny
Brad: You take the Translator, and communicate your desires to feed KENNY ROGERS. The Fiefdom of Fast Food furnishes French Fries and Fudge. You are unable to LICK KENNY.
Shay: look mask
Brad: Your mask is on you, it's difficult to look at it, though you feel as if ALL LICKING MANEUVRES HAVE BEEN HAMPRED BY YON METAL MASK. KENNY ROGERS seems to be recovering.
Shay: go south
Brad: You venture SOUTH to VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL. A sleeping HOBO lounges at the doorway.
Shay: look hobo
Brad: HE SLEEPS!!!! He seems to have a KEYRING in his pocket amidst the half eaten CINNABONS crammed into every pocket he claims in his pocketdom.
Shay: take keyring, cinnabons
Brad: You begin to remove the KEYRING from HOBO. He awakens and asks you what you are doing.
Shay: explain that I am taking a keyring from him in hopes that it will unlock the facemask that prevents me from achieving my inexplicable lifelong dream of licking kenny rogers
Brad: DON"T UNDERSTAND "THAT"
Brad: GRAMMER FOUL! -14 points
Shay: kill hobo
Brad: You wrench the life from the poor HOBO. His keys and cinnabons fall about the bloodstained corpse.
Shay: loot hobo
Shay: take wrench
Brad: HOBO contains: Entrails, HOBO PELT, LETTER signed K.R., Keys, Cinnabons.
Shay: read letter
Brad: The Letter reads: Dear Brother Fred, I hate to hear you're down on your luck. Hopefully as you wander the plains and malls, you'll find yourself out there. I do know one thing, we Rogers' are always longing for Cinnabons. I know you took a bad turn when you lost your TV show, but I am here to tell you the public loves you. Take care of yourself, and keep these keys. There will be a man come one day, wild haired old scientist, or a boy, asking about this almanac. That day comes, you shoot him.
Brad: Love, Kenny.
Brad: REALIZATION UNLOCKED
Shay: weep over corpse of Mr. Rogers
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED :GAMERTAG: WINTER OF DISCONTENT - Kill Mr. Rogers
Brad: HONOR -122
Shay: take keys, cinnabons, wrench
Brad: Don't Understand WRENCH
Shay: n
Brad: You approach the FOOD COURT
Brad: THE BURGER KING has fallen asleep, your Inventory remains on the floor. KENNY ROGERS is awakening
Shay: use keys on mask
Brad: You scrape the mask with the keys until it falls apart from extreme scratching.
Brad: MINUS 18 POINTS - DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY
Shay: ask kenny about licking
Brad: KENNY says you have to KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM.
Shay: and?
Brad: AND WHEN TO FOLD EM
Brad: When to walk away...
Shay: what about licking?
Brad: AND WHEN TO HAVE SKIN THAT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS ROTISSERIE CHICKEN
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has gone insane
Shay: lick kenny
Brad: You like kenny.
Shay: ...LICK kenny
Brad: Don't understand ...L
Shay: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE
Brad: Rage points +12
Brad: KENNY ROGERS levels a pistol at you. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME BACK HERE, BOY.
Brad: NOW GO BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Brad: KENNY ROGERS Kills you
Shay: KENNY ROGERS IS NOT IN BACK TO THE FUTURE
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR -
Shay: WHY ARE WE YELLING
Brad: KENNY ROGERSES LICKED - 0
Brad: Score - 9
Brad: Yelling bonus - 19
Brad: Total Score - Green.
Shay: ...All right that was pretty good

The Leavingening, Part 5

2010-06-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

Brad: This is the best game I have ever seen
Brad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MqvIHxkQo
Shay: never played it, but heard about it
Brad: You heard about a game called seaman about a snarky anthropomorphised bass?
Shay: yeah, I thought everyone knew about this game
Shay: pretty sure it was a launch title for dreamcast
Brad: More like nightmarecast
Shay: it's so weird
Brad: That thing is creepypalooza
Shay: yeah
Shay: it's like that psychologist game
Brad: Oh, super Freud brothers?
Brad: Where you psychoanalyze yourself as a clone twin while rescuing your mother from a post-hypnotic couch?
Shay: http://www.manifestation.com/neurotoys/eliza.php3
Shay: Eliza
Brad: I see.
Shay: Don't you even say Hello?
Brad: Yes, now you are eaten by chiggers.
Brad: Shay -1200
Brad: Achievements unlocked - Eliza Says Hi
Shay: WE ARE NOT PLAYING A GAME
Brad: Unicorn droppings recovered - 14
Brad: PLEASE INSERT COIN
Shay is now offline
Brad: Dang
This user isn't online!

The Leavingening, Part 4

2010-06-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

Brad: Do you have red dead redemption?
Shay: nope
Shay: I don't have time for games
Brad: Do you have time to play : : DAWSON'S CREEK MASSACRE : :
Brad: ?
Shay: ...okay that actually sounds kinda fun
Shay: BUT I will not be tempted! you're just going to screw with my head and then kill me without letting me do anything!
Brad: No.
Brad: i... wont
Shay: you're lying.
Brad: CURSES
Brad: >>>poof<<<

The Leavingening, Part 3

2010-06-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

Brad: Would you like to play
::: DUNGEONS AND DUNGEONS :::
:::HERE THERE BE NO DRAGONS::
:: INSERT DRAGONS :::
Shay: I'm good, thanks.
Brad: How bout ::::: SMALL WONDER HOME REPAIR SET ::::
Shay: ...

The Leavingening, Part 2

2010-06-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Shay: you feel asleep.
Brad: I do feel asleep
Shay: uh oh, the truck have started to move!
Shay: such a good game
Brad: what game
Shay: Metal Gear
Shay: for the NES
Brad: pff
Brad: never played it
Shay: we played it with my next-door-neighbor many many days
Brad: Did you use your mouth?
Shay: ...no
Brad: Will you play :::: NIGHT GOLF MOUTH EDITION?:::: INSERT TOKEN
Shay: ..........no.
Brad: What about :::GANDALF COOKING CHAMPION::::
Brad: INSERT TOLKIEN
Shay: ...I'm allergic to eating wizard.
Shay: ...Just... stop man
Shay: you're not going to bring it back

The Leavingening

2010-06-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Brad: :::::: KILLTRON the UNICORN::::::
:::::::: a Bradleycorp game© :::::::::
:::::::: INSERT COIN :::::::::::
Shay: /me inserts a penny
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: /me inserts a sovereign
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: The sovereign was a king.
Brad: YOUR CREDIT SCORE IS TOO LOW TO PLAY THIS GAME
Brad: Check Equifax for your free credit report
Brad: CHOOSE CREDIT OR DEBIT
Shay: /me makes out a check for $800 and inserts it.
Brad: :::VERIFYING FUNDS::::
Brad: COngratulations! You have donated $2,301 to the Friends of BP Rotary club.
Shay: /me hits ESC furiously
Brad: Your name will appear on the plaque set adrift at sea in honor of BP and its illustrious drilling campaign
Brad: PLEASE CHOOSE SEAGULL ANGER
Shay: unicorn
Brad: SYNTAZ EROR.
Brad: You are adrift at sea. There is oil to the W. To the east is OIL
Brad: to the north is THE AMERICA
Brad: to the south is ROBOCUBA
Shay: look oil
Brad: You cast your gaze towards the glistening black slick approaching your vessel. It is from the depths unknown, and seems to have a mind of its own
Shay: i
Brad: You have in your unicorn pockets: Unicorn balm, a satchel full of thousands of dollars, a shovel
Shay: look boat
Brad: Your small seagoing craft is small, made of rubber, it resembles a donut. It's probably an innertube. Complete with patch on side.
Shay: paddle north
Brad: You use your shovel to paddle north, leaving the incoming oil slick to wave at you, sadly, as though you had never met. You were like two hummingbirds, who also never met. You come to an invisible wall, as if the game designers didn't put pathfinding polys here. You see a badly mapped texture, and wonder what environment artist built out this level.
Shay: look texture
Brad: It is a poorly mapped TGA of water. This section doesn't tile well. Next to it you see a periscope looking at you.
Shay: look periscope
Brad: it looks at you
Shay: wink at periscope
Shay: suggestively
Brad: the periscope winks back, and suddenly your craft is lifted high out of the water by ROBOMARINE, an inhabitant of ROBOCUBA. You and ROBOMARINE( a giant robot submarine) have now agreed to a first date in his homeland of ROBOCUBA. and are swiftly making your way SOUTH.
Brad: You, being a unicorn, have never had such an honor.
Shay: look robomarine
Brad: ROBOMARINE is a giant nuclear submarine with childlike drawings of unicorns on it. He is making swift his crossing of the ocean, pulling OIL along with him in his vast wake. The friction of the submarine on the water creates many sparks, and soon you both are engulfed in FLAMES.
Shay: enter robomarine, yell "dive"
Brad: You clumsily enter ROBOMARINE. The dank interior hasn't been inhabited since ROBOMARINE gained consciousness and eradicated its crew. the remains still manning their posts. ROBOMARINE dives, with the hatch open.
Brad: Your means of escape quickly becoming a watery tomb
Shay: close hatch
Brad: You manage to close the hatch, but only after ROBOMARINE is half full of water and BURNING OIL.
Shay: apply unicorn salve to burning oil
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND SALVE
Shay: hit burning oil with shovel
Brad: You manage to spread burning oil all over your shovel, and splatter it on the walls, and your face, and the smell of fried unicorn begins to make you hungry. FOR YOURSELF
Brad: THUD
Brad: You and robomarine hit the beach of ROBOCUBA,
Shay: open hatch
Brad: outside, the beach is littered with fire extinguishers and lollipops. the hatch has been MELTED CLOSED
Brad: you are quickly running out of air
Shay: puncture hull with horn
Brad: You breach the hull with your horn. It leaves an air sized hole. The BURNING OIL STILL CLINGING TO YOUR BODY
Brad: The fresh air now makes haste to feed the flames of OIL
Shay: widen hole, escape onto beach
Brad: Don't understand ONTO
Shay: widen hole
Brad: You work with your horn to widen the hole, the more air rushing in, the more BURNING happens. However, you do manage to eventually, boringly, widen t he hole enough to escape ROBOMARINE
Brad: You spill out onto the BEACH
Shay: stop, drop, roll
Brad: You roll around on top of the piles of FIRE EXTINGUISHERS littering the beach. The fire consumes most of your flesh
Shay: use fire extinguisher on self
Brad: You try the extinguisher, they're all EMPTY WHAT A CRUEL JOKE I HAVE PL... um. They do not work.
Shay: i
Brad: You have, A satchel of burned dollars, a shovel, MASSIVE 5thDEGREE BURNS, BURNING OIL, a small magical pendant.
Shay: look pendant
Brad: As you look at your pendant, transfixed by it's beauty, an army of chiggers, summoned to the beach by your frantic flailing on the fire extinguishers, suddenly attack the freshly cooked unicorn meat encasing your self
Shay: use pendant
Brad: You use the PENDANT OF ETERNAL BOWEL OBSTRUCTION!
Shay: all right, that's it
Shay: Brad... I'm not playing your games anymore.
Brad: Why???
Brad: I kept trying to kill you off
Shay: EXACTLY!
Shay: I don't get to do anything! Your games are just elaborate torture chambers where I flail around for your twisted amusement!
Brad: AHhhhhh.
Brad: ok
Brad: See, I was under the impression that's what we were doing
Shay: So, I'm sorry... I'm breaking up the band
Brad: What? No!!!
Shay: I'm sorry... Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventures are on hold... indefinitely
Brad: Wait no no no
Shay: Sorry man, just... sorry
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay come back
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay?

TO BE CONTINUED

Announcing the Snuggler

2010-05-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

Shay: hi Brad, how are you doing?
Brad: Oh, doin fine.
Brad: Everytime I see the class "smuggler" anywhere in this game I fight the urge to rename it to "snuggler"
Shay: haha
Shay: oh so you just announced that there's a Smuggler class
Shay: sweet, I'm just gonna email kotaku about that real fast
Brad: That was already announced
Shay: no, you just announced it
Shay: [If I get you to go google for "Smuggler announced", I earn 5 points]
Shay: [If I get you to email the PR department saying "oh crap I think I may have screwed up", I get 25 points]
Brad: 5 points towards what exactly?
Shay: towards my own enjoyment of my life.
Shay: do you remember honkfishing?
Brad: Yes, I do
Shay: I would set off my car alarm remotely when someone was walking past it in the parking lot
Shay: If I got someone to actually jump and startle, I got 20 points
Shay: if someone completely ignored it, I got -5 points
Shay: if someone looked straight towards the office window and gave me the finger, I got -20 points... Billy S. caused me to lose those 20 points once
Shay: and if the victim was a hot realtor chick, I got a x2 modifier!
Brad: Again, towards what end?
Brad: I think your habit of arbitrarily awarding yourself "points" is a indicator of a deep-seated need to "program" your own life, somehow realizing a self determined destiny.
Shay: I like making games, and playing games
Shay: everyone makes games though
Brad: Not everyone
Shay: when they're children they do. when they grow up they die inside.
Brad: I don't think so
Shay: "Okay you're the robber and I'm the cop, but this is the jail here, but that's RobberLand over in Mrs. McCreedy's yard and that's the safe zone for you..."
Brad: Who is Mrs. McCreedy?
Shay: she had good cookies.
Brad: she sounds like a predator
Shay: well, she was a raptor actually.
Shay: but still... good cookies
Brad: Does she lure the children there with candies and gifts?
Shay: raptor gifts
Shay: mostly eggs
Brad: Raptors in the Kitchen - best band name ever
Brad: from Jurassic park
Shay: good one
Brad: Also, Tractordactyl
Shay: if you and I ever start a game company together, it will be Tractordactyl Games.
Brad: I can see the logo now
Shay: I see it too.
Shay: the logo will be a radish.
Brad: You are looking the wrong way
Brad: Also get out of my mind.
Shay: sorry, I'm radishhungry.
Brad: Is that like rabies, or the zombie?

[At this point Shay's mouth opened slightly and uttered a syllable that sounded like "wha". This was followed by his head exploding, leaving the conversation unfinished.]

Adventure #22: Contact Your Administrator

2010-04-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

Brad: :::::::::::::SELECT CHARACTER NAME::::::::::::::
Shay: Jimmijon
Brad: SELECT FONT: A)Arial B)Comic Sans C) FIXEDSYS
Shay: D) wingdings
Brad: SECRET LEVEL UNLICKED
Brad: You have entered the caverns of the Wingding tribe
Brad: To the NORTH is the King of the Wingdings, Bing. To the SOUTH is HELVETICATROPOLIS, a nation of evil cyborganisms. To the EAST is a WALGREENS. To the WEST is ABANDONED SUBMARINE
Shay: n
Brad: As you approach his highnessness King Bing of the WINGDINGS, you notice his chiseled edges, glistening in the sun. The myriad array of pixels that make up his shape are succulent to your eyeholes. He regards you with wonder. "Wharf Manner of roundish creature are thee, o, pasty one?"
Shay: say "I am what I am, which is to say, a yam named Jimmijon."
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND " " "
Brad: The king grows weary of your silence.
Shay: say hello
Brad: As you greet the King, suddenly a fervor erupts to the SOUTH. "O Noes!" Screams the King. "The helveticans are attacking!" Do you A) Help resist the onslaught of sans serrif scumbags, or 2) Turn against your new king and help overthrow the peace loving WINGDINGS?
Shay: A!
Brad: You grab the king's trusty SOLIDTILTEDARROWSWORD named Claire, and vault into battle to the SOUTH. You are met by EDGAR THE MOST SQUARE, of the Helvetician army.
Shay: challenge edgar
Brad: "Your serrif will be truncated, pasty one" he says, as he swings aloft his mighty UMLAUT, an axe of such horror and curly pointy bits that most air particles try to avoid it.
Brad: Do you A) Duck, B)Allow it to penetrate your body, sacrificing yourself for the good of the WINGDINGS, C)Dance a mighty jig, D)Save progress?
Shay: D
Brad: As you are reaching for the save key, EDGAR THE MOST SQUARE delivers a seriffshattering blow to your extruded bits. You have been rendered SQUARISH.
Brad: at your feet lay BITS
Shay: say I am not squarsh, i am yam
Brad: Syntax Error. Don't understand Shay:
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ROOTKIT VIRUS!
Brad: :::::::::::::DELETING HARDDRIVE
Brad: ::::::::::::::DELETING MONITOR
Brad: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DELETING PLAYER 1
Shay: ctrl alt delete
Brad: As the rootkit virus crawls up your "computerin' hands" to erase you from existence, you decide that pouring those nanobots into your computer's disk drive was a bad idea.
Brad: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DELETING LIFE
Brad: You have died.
Brad: Score 147
Shay: reload game
Brad: STACK DUMP
Brad: BLUESCREEN
Brad: PLEASE CONTACT YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR
Shay: hey Brad
Brad: yeah
Shay: your game gave me a bluescreen
Brad: Hm, really?
Shay: what should I do?
Shay: also I think it killed me
Brad: Oh yeah, it prolly did that.
Brad: Hm
Brad: Oh, did you try to reload it after you were dead, and after it deleted itself?
Shay: uh, well I was dead at the time so my memory isn't really very clear, but that sounds right.
Shay: I also may have hit ctrl alt delete at some point, but it may be after I didn't have hands, so...
Brad: Yeah, you can't do that. At that point it doesn't exist, and you're a ghost. And being a ghost, you can't access games that don't exist
Shay: oh okay. so am I still a ghost then?
Brad: Pretty much, yes
Shay: that would explain why I can't see myself in a mirror, and why I'm so cold.
Brad: see that pile of nanobots eatin what is left of you?
Shay: right right, okay.
Brad: yeah.
Shay: it's all coming together now
Brad: well, no, it's decomposing actually.
Shay: but it said to contact my system administrator and he would fix it
Brad: That would be me, buuut...
[Long pause]
Shay: you're asking for a hauntening here
Shay: don't think I won't do it.
Brad: Ok, lets do this. I'll try reforming your body from nanobots, using,,, a picture of.... Joe Piscopo
Shay: all right, there's one in the wallet of my corpse so this should be pretty quick
Brad: there, now you may reanimate yourself.
Shay: oh, you had the photo, never mind.
Brad: sigh
Shay: all right so I'll just jump into my body now.
Shay: I AM REBORN IN FLESH
Brad: NOOOOOOOO
Shay: IN THIS HOUR I WALK THE EARTH YET AGAIN
Shay: IT'S AWESOME. THANKS BRAD!
Brad: enjoy feelings
Shay: NOW CAN YOU HELP ME TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?
Brad: no, that's on by design
Shay: ALSO I NOTICED THAT WHENEVER I TALK, I SCREAM
Brad: That's a new feature
Brad: to help with the almost deaf
Shay: AND ALSO THERE ARE OTHER SCREAMING VOICES COMING OUT OF MY THROAT THAT ARE NOT MY OWN
Brad: Those are the nanobots. They finally have a way to voice their dissatisfaction about the winter olympics results. They're pretty fanatical about that.
Shay: OH OKAY. AND WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY HANDS ARE CRIMSON FOUNTAINS OF SUPERNATURAL ENERGY?
Brad: That's to be expected, terrify two village children and call me in the morning.
Shay: ALREADY ON TOP IF IT. THANKS MAN
Brad: Your m......
Shay emits a beam of pure energy from his half-ghostly arms that fills your nasal passages with a burning sensation such as you've never known
Shay: NO MORE "YOUR MOM" JOKES, BRAD. OR YOU GET A HAUNTENING.
Brad: Owie
Shay: all right let's end it there
Shay: ...possibly before.
Brad: possibly before we started

Band Names.

2010-03-24T13:25:00.001-07:00

Brad: You know what reminds me of our conversations? "Between two ferns"
Shay: haha, yeah I've watched most of those
Brad: those are good
Brad: I am not sure which one is you.
Shay: I'm Andy Dick
Shay: typing loudly on an iPhone
Brad: that was carrot top
Brad: So yes. You're carrot top
Shay: yay
Brad: How does it feel to be carrot top?
Shay: it feels orange
Brad: is your middle name honeybaked?
Shay: Carrot Honeybaked Top?
Brad: sigh
Shay: I want to start a band
Brad: Rubber, or musical?
Shay: ...called Cookie Cookie Puddin' and Pie
Shay: musical.
Brad: Cause a rubber band called that is not great
Brad: I think a good band name would be racecar
Shay: all lower caps?
Brad: no, that's a bad band name.
Shay: Flaming Midget Research
Brad: Half Of.
Shay: Name.
Brad: now you're thinking
Brad: criscofist
Shay: Salivating Draculas.
Brad: weaselpowder
Shay: Kryptonite Crucifix
Brad: canadian shoe
Brad: Polish Army
Shay: Massive Bear Damage
Brad: Stringled
Brad: Taste three
Shay: DeathDeth
Brad: taco hat
Brad: red mandrake
Shay: Hi Falutin and the Burrito Terrorists
Brad: Live in Concert
Shay: ahahahahahaha
Brad: puppypieces
Shay: Kitten Soup
Brad: Standwich
Shay: Listen To Us
Brad: Generic Band
Shay: Unknown Artist
Brad: It Comes from our Mouths
Shay: Singing Windmills [A They Might Be Giants cover band]
Brad: Passtronomical
Shay: I Be An Retarded
Brad: Dresscue
Brad: you win
Brad: I am done
Brad: But I like Standwich
Shay: I like them all.
Shay: Live In Concert might be my favorite though
Brad: Yeah, that's not a bad one
Brad: it would be hard to announce them
Shay: well their self-titled debut album would also be their live album
Brad: and when they're on tour,,, mass confusion
Shay: or, maybe their live album would later have the same name as their self-titled debut album?
Brad: by the time the music industry figures it out, they've already had their VH1 Where are they now special
Shay: hahaha

A different number.

2010-03-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

Brad: #62

[long pause]

Brad: you there, with pants
Shay: who are you talking to?
Brad: I assume you have pants
Brad: Perhaps not
Shay: you know what happens when you assume
Shay: ...I take off my pants.
Brad: I ... no.
Brad: Catacombs is at #61
IQpierce: was that the number you sent me earlier?
Brad: No, that was a different number
Shay: that was the number of cheese monkeys?
Brad: that was #62
Brad: #61 is one less
Brad: I wish I had a cheesemonkey
Brad: I want a snack
Shay: me too. so that's awesome, I bet it's rising fast now that it's featured by Apple
Shay: I've heard that's a huge deal
Brad: bigtime
Brad: like, it wasn't in the top 100 yesterday
Shay: wow
Brad: It is the gentle gaze of favor from apple
Shay: I like the flavor of apples.
Brad: In soviet russia, you are ground up into paste and fed to pirates
Shay: ahahahahaha
Shay: all right go post this entire conversation on the blog.
Shay: just the pants onwards
Brad: no, the pants downwards
Shay does a rimshot on his sweet drum set
Shay: man that sounds kinda wrong.
Brad: it must be out of tune
Shay: haha

Adventure #21: Confusion in the Arcade

2010-02-26T15:14:00.000-08:00

Brad: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Brad: ::::::::::::::::FANTASY STORY:::::::::::::
Brad: ::::::::INSERT COIN::::::::::::::::::
Shay: insert coin
Brad: :::::::::::Insufficient funds:::::::::::::::
Shay yells NOOO!
Shay inserts another coin
Brad: :::::::::::: Credit one play :::::::::::::::
Shay says "sweet."
Brad: Choose Character - RUFFIAN, MURDERSHOES, DUCKBILLED PLESIOSAURUS
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: ENTER NAME ___________________
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: Welcome, RUFFIAN RUFFIAN, Select character class. MAGE, GYPSY, COMMUNISM
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: RUFFIAN Character class requires addional DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT: INSERT COIN
Shay inserts a coin
Brad: ACHIVEMENT UNLOCKED: McGullibleCoingiver
Brad: RUFFIAN RUFFIAN, the famed RUFFIAN will now descend into the depths of MAULCLORTH ISLAND DUNGEON SPACE STATION.
Shay: oh awesome!
Brad: Your quest begins in .... INSERT COIN TO CONTINUE.....
Shay: aw man!
Shay goes to beg his parents for more money
Brad: 10
Brad: 9
Brad: 8
Brad: 7
Brad: 6
Brad: 5
Shay whines loudly
Brad: 4
Brad: 3
Shay inserts coin
Brad: 2
Brad: ...... .. ............... loading
Shay: whew!
Brad: You have been captured by PIRATE CRIPPLERS. And placed in the BRIG. There is a shaven elk, a three legged stool, a lot of hay on the ground, and the sound of cowbell in the DISTANCE
Shay: say "Arrrrg yer varments ! feer me i am theRUFFIAN
Brad: Don't understand FEER.
Shay: pet elk
Brad: The elk returns the favor, slowly
Brad: you have befriended elk. +14 points
Shay: look brig
Brad: You are deep with in a BRIG. The weathered wooden walls, and barrier between you and ELK seem roughly hewn. A covering of STRAW AND HAY covers the dirt floors. You see one end of BRIG is used to store FEED AND SUPPLIES
Shay: give hay to elk
Shay says "this is so sweet"
Brad: The ELK returns the favor, slowly
Shay: pul out swurd
Brad: You pull out your swurd. It is an elegant swurd. Covered in honey, and very spongy. You hear a COWBELL in the DISTANCE
Shay: brek out of jail with swurd
Brad: Don't understand JAIL
Brad: Or Brek
Brad: Or Swurd for that matter
Brad: -47 points
Shay: BREAK out of BRIG with swurd
Brad: -12 points
Shay says "What? This thing is grading me!!!"
Shay: BREAK out of BRIG with SWORD
Shay says "Stupid thing."
Brad: You hold your SWORD high aloft, as you walk out of the BRIG through the wooden door next to the HAY AND FEED. A tractor trundles by as you realize the BRIG was nothing more than OLD MAN CRABTREE'S BARN. You have been TRIPPING
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!
Brad: LSDEEZ NUTS
Shay says "Whoa, this thing just blew my mind."
Shay: look
Brad: You are standing in a FARM. BARN is to the WEST. FARMHOUSE is to the EAST. To the NORTH is CORNFIELD OF DELIGHT. To the South is COWBELL's R US.
Shay: e
Shay says "I'm going to kill someone with this sword yet."
Brad: You venture forth towards the FARMHOUSE. A sign by the MAILBOX reads "Welcome to OLD MAN CRABTREE'S FARMIN' HOUSE OF FARMIN." At the ground lay a DROID LEG
Shay: look leg
Brad: It is a human leg, connected to your body, shaven on one side, and tatoo'd with various representations of speed limit signs of different regions of the world.
Shay yells "Whoa what? ...Oh wait that's MY leg? Dang this game is CRAZY!"
Shay: look at droid leg
Brad: As you examine the DROID LEG, you realize it's your long lost hallucinated droid sidekick AYNine FONZie's Leg. With a strange SWURD SHAPED HOLE.
Brad: SECRET FOUND!
Brad: ::::DROIDKILLER IS YOU::::::
Brad: -210 honor points
Shay says "What? I didn't even get the fun of killing it!"
Shay: enter farmhouse
Brad: The farmhouse is LOCKED. You hear sirens in the DISTANCE over the cowbell
Shay: hit lock with sword!
Brad: +2 XP
Shay says "Sweet!"
Brad: The LOCK DIES A GUTTERING DEATH. {MURDERCOUNT +1 Total murdercount 289{
Shay says "Whoa whoever played this last murdered a LOT"
Shay says "gotta beat the high score"
Shay: enter farmhouse
Brad: The COWBELL is louder in the farmhouse, as if it's coming through the open windows in the BACK OF THE FARMHOUSE. Sirens seem to be coming closer
Shay: look for victims
Brad: There is a HEADLESS VICTIM missing one LEG in the corner, a smashed BANJO on the table, and you stop your advance as parts of a DROID FACE crunch under your HUMAN FOOT.
Shay: look out windows
Brad: You see police cars entering the driveway near the CORNFIELD. as you look, you notice your REFLECTION.
Brad: You are shocked to see your own HUMAN HEAD attached to a glistening ROBOT BODY.
Brad: SELF REALIZATION UNLOCKED! UR OWN MURDERER!
Shay says "Huh? Wait, what?"
Shay says "Did I MURDER MYSELF? HOLY CRAP!"
Brad: SIRENS getting louder
Shay panics
Shay inserts coin
Brad: :::::::COIN REFUSED::::::::: IDENTITY CONFIRMED:::::::::AUTHORITIES ON WAY:::::
Shay says "WHAT?!!!!?"
Shay: no i am not a murderer i am 13 yrs old
Shay: do not call the polece
Shay: !!
Brad: From outside the FARMHOUSE you hear: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, AYNine FONZie. You are wanted for the MURDER OF SHAY PIERCE
Shay says "What is going on?!? How does this game know my name??"
Shay: throw sword at coppers
Brad: ROBOT HUNTERS and POLICE Surround the house. Your SWORD Is caught by The CHIEF INVESTIGATOR as evidence of your HEINOUS CRIMES.
Shay: shoot coppers with laser eyes
Brad: -2,800 points - EVIDENCE LOST
Brad: Your eyes are human, your head has been transplanted onto the murderer robot. Also your leg. You will be forever punished for crimes you did not commit, but now appear to have committed to the POLICE.
Brad: The AUTHORITIES break down the door and capture you
Shay says "I STILL DON'T GET WHAT IS GOING ON I'M ONLY 13 WHAT IS HAPPENING"
Shay begins tearing up a bit
Brad: As you are being led away to the ROBOT COURT, you hear the semicrushed robot face of AYNine FONZie laughing evilly at you as you pay for his crimes
Shay says "Wait!"
Brad: Game Over
Shay begins crying openly
Brad: Secrets unlocked 14
Shay inserts coin
Brad: Emotional damage +17
Brad: ::::::INSUFFICIENT CREDIT:::::::::

Developer Diary #3: Exploration

2009-11-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

Brad: thing is, you aren't saying Look Around very often
Brad: so I can't paint a picture of where you are, and entice you into things
Shay: yeah I don't, but that's partly because 90% of the time I look at something, you cause 3 other things to happen
Brad: I mean, an island of dessert? you didn't even look around
Brad: Ah, ok
Shay: heh, yeah, I did want to explore the dessert island a bit more
Shay: I like exploring your weird ideas, it's just hard to when a chigger is jumping out of every broccolibush
Brad: there was a myriad of interesting aspects to DESSERT ISLAND, now reduced to a smoldering crater in the west pacific
Shay: I'll do a better job of exploring your next creation before you destroy it for no reason

Adventure #19: Dessert Island

2009-11-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

Shay: I recognize Festivus
Shay: But I don't have a Festivus Pole...
Brad: I gave your mom a festivus pole
Shay: ooooh snap sys 37829032
Brad: Welcome to Shay and Brad's Textellent SPOOKYTOWN Adventure.
Brad: You have been abandoned on a dessert island. There are no eskimos to barter with.
Shay: look eskimo
Brad: There are no Eskimos with which to Barter.
Shay: look esquimaux
Brad: To the East is a lone Esquimaux. He has been frozen solid, a stone visage of his former self, slightly eroded, and marked by pidgeons.
Brad: pigeons
Shay: look pidgeons
Brad: Don't understand pidgeons.
Shay: i
Brad: You wield FLAMING SHOULDERPADS OF VALOR, seven cans of SPAM, an ornate map in a language you do not understand, could be pigeonspeak.
Shay: look pigeon markings
Brad: It appears as though it is a map of the DESSERT ISLAND. The vernacular seems to be a dialect of chickenscratch.
Shay: i meant the pigeon markings on the frozen esquimaux
Brad: Don't understand "the"
Shay: n
Brad: You venture North, precariously close to MERINGUE CLIFF.
Brad: The cool sea breezes tousle your hair as if it was so many cornhusks draping a roundish bowling ball
Shay: sniff cliff
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - CLIFF CLAVEN
Brad: MERINGUE CLIFF smells of pies and nostalgia, it could be eaten, or shoveled away. There appears a DARK SHAPE underneath
Shay: look dark shape
Brad: It's a dark shape alright, dark and shapey.
Brad: perhaps you should uncover it, and touch it
Shay: eat meringue in direction of dark shape
Brad: You engage mouth parts and attack the MERINGUE CLIFF with the vigor of a dutch stable boy. As you near the DARK SHAPE, you realize it's none other than an ACME HOLE-O-MATIC black circle. These are used to put holes in the sides of walls, the floor, etc. in CARTOONS>
Shay: take hole-o-matic
Brad: you pry up t he HOLE-O-MATIC and carefully roll it up and stow it in your BAG OF HOLDING. Unfortunately the infinite bag of holding reacts poorly with the HOLE O MATIC and produces an unstable FICTIONAL SINGULARITY.
Brad: You are faced with a TEMPORAL PARADOX SUNDAE
Shay: add meringue to sundae
Brad: With great skill, you apply the remaining MERINGUE to the SUNDAE. with a loud POP and fizzle, the miniature black hole is appeased and you are left alone on DESSERT ISLAND NORTH SHORE AND TAXIDERMY STATION with no bag of holding and no HOLE-O-MATIC
Shay: eat sundae
Brad: You consume the SUNDAE. You have gained I SCREAM HEADACHE
Shay: scream
Brad: You scream a scream of a thousand screams. Your voice shredding your vocal cords like a shredder going through vocal cords and old bills. As your wailing voice echoes out through the DESSERT ISLAND, you notice a rustling in the BROCCOLIBUSHES
Shay: look broccolibushes
Brad: The BROCCOLIBUSHES seem out of place on a DESSERT ISLAND, a weathered sign post peeks out from the bush, some faint letters in ENGLISH are written hence.
Shay: look sign
Brad: The sign reads 'BEWARE OF KILLER BROCCOLI, IT DON'T BELONG HERE RUN FAR AWAAAYYYYY,,, AGGHGHHHHHHHhhhhhhggghhghgh.......ack'
Shay: throw can of spam into broccolibushes
Brad: As you reach for your can of SPAM, the BROCCOLIBUSHES dance and shimmy, and part forcibly as a GIANT CHIGGER leapeth forth in a growling attack.
Shay: throw can of spam into chigger
Brad: Your girly throw lands 3 feet from you, and the GIANT CHIGGER pounces on your beginning a chew session that will probably end your life.
Brad: As you are being chewed, you notice that the SIGN has been toppled over to the other side, and it reads " HA IT WAS A TRAP, no one takes the time to write out AUUUGGHGHHHHHH. Who would do that anyway, also, while you are reading this, you're probably being chewed to death by Frank the GIANT CHIGGER"
Shay: look Frank
Brad: You use your eyes to percieve FRANK THE GIANT CHIGGER as he is chewing your leg off. He is large, chigger shaped and is wearing a mechanic's shirt with "paul" on the name tag.
Shay: pray to chigger gods
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: SPANISH INQUISITION!
Brad: The chigger gods do not exist, but your pious display pleases FRANK. He stops chewing your leg, though it is terminally damaged. You now have -1 leg.
Shay: ask frank his name
Brad: As you ask FRANK his name, a METEORITE hits DESSERT ISLAND. You and your new friend FRANK are reduced to atoms.
Brad: You are dead
Brad: Score 819
Brad: Achievements unlocked 9
Brad: Fancy ponies resqued - 0
Shay: view achievements
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Hamburger helper
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Iraddiated Dating
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Nut Bread
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - CAT SCAN SUNGLASSES
Brad: SECRET - made for a man, but strong enough for you
Shay: check spelling of rescued, pigeons, and eskimo
Brad: Syntaz Eror.

Adventure #18: Shay is a burning thing... and he makes... well, you know.

2009-10-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

Shay: sys 360150
Brad: Welcome Pilgrim, to Brad and Shay's WESTERN CATACLYSM APOCOLYPSE. Please enter your name.
Shay: goingtoameetingbbs
Brad: Ok, Jimmy. You have wandered into the wild west town of Western GULCHVILLEBURGTON. Please select your PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. A: CATTLE DROVER WITH CAFFEINE DEFICIENCY; B: PROFESSIONAL GOAT STRAIGHTENER; C: CEL SHADED
Shay: C
Brad: You have chosen CEL SHADED. You have been rendered two dimensional and the wind blows you away like the tumblin TUMBLEWEEDS. You get caught on a singing CACTUS, and its quills puncture your vectorized body. You have died.
Brad: Score -5
Brad: Amazing western treasures discovered 0
Shay: was that our shortest game ever, or our longest game ever?
Brad: Yes.
Brad: You should have chosen John Wayne as your character likeness.
Shay: sys 204820
Brad: Game crash. Try again tomorrow
Shay: (sobs)
Brad: Your tears short out the keyboard of your vintage Commodore 64 Game console. You are electrocuted, and are found the next day by your cleaning lady.
Brad: Score -239
Brad: Post Mortem Embarassment +43
Shay: look screen
Brad: You are dead.
Shay: turn off screen
Brad: You are dead. Choose: A VALHALLA; B DETROIT; C REINCARNATION
Shay: john wayne
Brad: You have arrived at the saloon "WHISKEYTOOTH SUMMER REVIVAL"
Brad: A two dimensional being catches your eye as it is whisked away by WIND.
Shay: look saloon
Brad: WHISKEYTOOTH SUMMER REVIVAL SALOON AND STEAKHOUSE EMPORIUM. Baths 50 cents.
Brad: There is a man leaning on a post.
Shay: look man
Brad: He is known by some as INCREDULOUS BART. He nods at you, acknowledging your COWBOY HAT OF FIRE.
Shay: nod back, enter saloon dramatically
Brad: SWAGGER +6
Brad: You enter the saloon, all music, dancing, card playing, saloonery stops. The inhabitants eye you as if you have just walked in from the out of doors. Somewhere in the distance, a two dimensional being begins leaking on a cactus.
Shay: stamp loudly up to bar, jingling spurs, order glass of firewater
Brad: The barkeep cannot do that.
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The barkeep is sourly dressed, unhappily attempting to tend bar with a SEVERE AILMENT OF ARMS -2.
Shay: i
Brad: You empty your pockets onto the bar. You have been carrying: 11 trained scorpions, ERROR PASTE, Two Barkeeper Arms. As the arms flop onto the bar, the SALOONERY activity stops almost into the negative. INCREDULOUS BART rushes in and in a slow motion extraveganza of intense action, accuses you of ARMED ROBBERY. The Barkeep blames you for stealing his arms. The crowd slowly turns menacing.
Shay: squint at bart
Brad: You squint at Bart. FLAMES erupt out of your eyeholes and reduce BART to a heap of ash and disappointment. You instantly feel awash in regret, for you never had a chance to know BART. You were like two butterflies who had also never gotten a chance to know each other. REPUTATION WITH SALOON CROWD REDUCED BY 3,000
Shay: check reputations
Brad: REPUTATION WITH SALOON CROWD -17,983
Brad: REPUTATION WITH ARCHIMEDES OWLERY 23
Brad: REPUTATION WITH ADVANCED HIPPOPOTAMUS CYBORGS 830,349,483,038.0
Brad: REPUATION WITH IRONGOSLING CIRCUS FOLK -2
Shay: look saloon crowd
Brad: You cast your gaze upon the saloon crowd. In the back, hiding amongst the grubby ilk, a fair maiden watcheth.
Brad: You might see better if you squint. It is smoky in here
Shay: squint at maiden
Brad: FLAMECRAFT +3
Brad: You watch hopelessly as FLAMES FROM YOUR EYEHOLES incinerate the fair maiden and most of the Saloon crowd in the area
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The poor BARKEEP ERUPTS IN FIRE. A smoldering heap of armless ash coalesces before you. You have unlocked the achievement: PANICHANDLER
Shay: close eyes
Brad: Your eyelids ERUPT IN FLAMES. Health -89
Shay: claw out eyes
Brad: You attempt to claw your eyes out, but YOUR HANDS ARE NOW MELTING FROM THE FIRE. You apologize to the people you have slain with your heat vision. They cannot hear you. They are slain.
Shay: claw out eyes with barkeep arms
Brad: You have some difficulty picking up BARKEEP ARMS with burned bloody nubs.
Shay: toss head, remove FIREHAT
Brad: You remove your own head, tossing it in the corner. As it rolls to a stop, your gaze settles on your body, the full force of HEATVISION slowly melting your body to ash. You have died.
Brad: Score 630
Shay: ...i didn't mean "toss head" in that way
Brad: Don't understand "mean"

Adventure #17: The Ol' Switcharoo

2009-10-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

Shay: sys 378204
Brad: Greetings, Traveller, you have entered the CATACOMBS OF THE INVISIBLE SWORDSMEN
Brad: The year is 1873, you have been drafted by the militia of the red handed scalawags, to search out the lost remains of the mysterious CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE
Shay: look swordsmen
Brad: You cannot. They be invisible
Shay: i
Brad: You carry with you a: Empty duffel bag; matches; bubbletape; malfunctioning TIMEPANTS; A rusty key
Shay: look clawhammer of fortitude
Brad: It is not here
Shay: chew bubbletape, look
Brad: You tear off a piece of the bubbletape. Chicken flavor. You glance around the catacombs. To the North is a section of catacombs that has caved in. To the South is the entrance to the catacombs. To the East is COAT CHECK STATION. To the West is RADAR COMMAND.
Shay: get bored with this game
Brad: You have died of boredom.
Shay: !
Brad: Score -29
Brad: Secrets Uncovered 0 or 56
Shay: 56
Brad: Secrets uncovered 56
Shay: You have uncovered 56 secrets. One of them particularly catches your eye; it is a GLASS OF TIMEJUICE.
Shay: A grue enters the room.
Brad: Examine timejuice
Shay: It is blue, you can clearly see bits of time floating in it. Pulsating.
Brad: Add an L to the Grue
Shay: LGrue says "'Ello governor. Would you like a carrot? I gots me some mighty fine carrots from the Rabbit King, sho' 'nuff'
Shay: "And thank ye kindly for the L m'lord"
Brad: Respect LGrue
Shay: LGrue taps two fingers to his chest. "Word to ya motha homie. RESPECT back at cha." He has given you EIGHTEEN GOLDEN CARROTS.
Brad: i
Shay: You fall to the ground under the weight of the carrots.
Brad: Inventory
Shay: You are carrying: 18 golden carrots; a crushed egg; a shattered crystal ball; a wrinkled treasure map; a great deal of impatience
Brad: L
Brad: LOOK
Shay: You are lying on the ground in front of Lgrue. To the west is a grue village. To the north is a Talking Mountain. To the south is a sign that says "Wrong way. Talking mountain is to the northing." To the east is a sign that says, "Dude, seriously... Talking Mountain north of here. For reals."
Brad: Gather signs
Shay: Don't understand gather
Brad: get signs
Shay: Don't understand signs
Brad: Get Jiggy Widdit
Shay: Don't understand why you're not going to the talking mountain right now.
Brad: North
Shay: You fall into a pit and die.
Shay: Secrets found: 1,280 of 5,270
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Pit Faller!
Brad: drink timejuice on the way down
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Timetravelled! You find yourself standing before Solomon the King. Two ladies are arguing over you on either side, each claiming you are their child. Solomon has just grasped his sword. If you say "WAIT I AM NOT A BABY", turn to page 55. If you try to wrest the sword from solomon's hand, turn to page 1,794. If you drink more timejuice, turn to page 478.
Brad: 478
Shay: That page is stuck to page #479.
Shay: With peanut butter. You are a sloppy eater!
Brad: Read cover of book
Shay: The cover of the book reads "ANGRY HENRY'S FANTASTIC ADVENTURES THROUGH TIME SEARCHING FOR THE LOST SHARDS OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S FALSE TEETH: PART 47: The Return of Lieutenant McSaucyPants. By Brad Lewis and Shay Pierce, as told to Leonard Nimoy."
Shay: "A Choose-Your-Own-Text-Adventure Book."
Brad: Rate book 3 stars
Shay: You click on the 3 stars button. "Thank you for rating this book!"
Brad: up up down down left right left right B A Start
Shay: You turn the book in several directions, BAH at it, and start reading on a random page. It is page 270. "You are standing on the grassy knoll, holding a gun in your hand. The handsome man's car is proceeding down the street. If you shoot him, turn to page 271. If you create a temporal anomaly, turn to page 0."
Brad: 0
Shay: You turn to page 0 to find a black hole. You and your collection of lightsabers are being pulled into the black hole.
Shay: Your wife enters the room. "What in the sam hill is going on in here? Is that another black hole?"
Brad: Initialize SAM HILL
Shay: You flip the switch on your prototype android SamHill 3000, praying that there is no bugs in his programming. He starts up and says "Hello world!" He gazes about the room. "What in me is that thing? A Black Hole?"
Brad: Ebay black hole
Shay: You put the black hole on eBay but have no bids after two weeks. You receive a private message from user "Shazenmeister" offering you to purchase it for 8 chicken bones if you will throw in your CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE.
Brad: ACCEPT OMG ACCEPT
Shay: i accept the trade and win the game
Brad: Well played, sir
Shay: Points awarded: 1 million each

Adventure #16: Finger-lickin' good (feat. Marshall)

2009-10-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

Marshall: dude
Marshall: I accidentally hit my hot key for array,...
Marshall: and my last array was of 200 instances. oops!
Marshall: all of a sudden I had 200 copies of this mesh all over teh place
Brad: You have discovered: CRASH MAX BUTTON. You have leveled up
Marshall: check button
Brad: It is full of lint, and slightly musty. Perhaps you should wash it sometime.
Marshall: press button
Brad: you feel a pain in your guts.
Marshall: ack
Marshall: check guts
Brad: Your guts have been penetrated by a SPEAR
Marshall: take spear
Brad: You remove the ancient egyptian spear from your guts, the wound healing magically behind it. It is a scale model of CLEOPATRA'S SPEAR.
Marshall: find cleopatra
Brad: You reach for an encyclopedia. You turn to the C section. You are turning the pages when you inflict MASSIVE PAPERCUT -128 DAMAGE on yourself.
Brad: You have 13 health
Marshall: use spear
Brad: You use spear on the papercut, hoping to heal yourself. Unfortuately, there are no instructions on the spear, and you end up severing a finger, and widening the BLOODSPURTING FANDANGO PAPERCUTPALOOZA.
Brad: You have 4 health
Marshall: take finger
Brad: You include your finger in your inventory
Marshall: look around
Brad: You are in a cylindrical room, lined with books. A skylight at the top of the domed roof lets in a tired wisp of sunset. The threadbare rug on the floor seems to conceal a trapdoor at one edge, a single door to the left seems barred shut. A scent of cheese drifts through the room. A MASSIVE POOL OF BLOODY ENCYCLOPEDIA PAGES AND FINGER BITS rest at your feet.
Marshall: lift rug , check out trap door
Brad: You reach down to lift the rug, scattering dust and such into the air, you look at the trap door, longingly, wondering if it would go out with you. Just as you're about to ask for it's number, the trap door drops open underneath you, allowing you free and unrestricted access to the PIT OF DISCOMFORT
Brad: You awaken at the bottom of the pit disoriented and BLEEDING FROM EPIC PAPERCUT and broken elbow
Marshall: scream like a girl
Brad: Your girlish screams echo off the dank mildewy walls.
Marshall: check health
Brad: Your health is 0.03
Marshall: eat severed finger
Brad: You eat your finger, and it displeases your bowels. The slight stomach discomfort reduces your health by 0.04.
Brad: You have died
Marshall: dang
Brad: Score 825
Brad: Secrets revealed 2.5
Marshall: I was hopign the finger would give me energy
Marshall: if not, I was goign to stab myself with spear
Brad: No, it gave you a slight tummy ache, perhaps if you'd cooked it
Marshall: Im no good at this
Brad: Perhaps you should try "Easy Adventures in Comfort Valley"as a warm up
Marshall: true.

Adventure #15: Not the best reflexes

2009-09-30T14:29:00.001-07:00

Brad: You awaken on a shore.
Shay: look
Brad: Nearby is a fisherman. To the East is a waterfall. To the North is The great plains. To the West is a rapidly approaching steam roller, to the South is CUBA.
Shay: check fisherman
Brad: IT IS A TRAP. "Fake Fisherman Industries proudly welcomes you to this STEAMROLLER SHORE TRAP." As you read the tag on the fisherman, the steamroller begins squishing the bejeezus out of you.
Shay: check steamroller
Brad: STEAMIN' Co. #47 Steamroller, set on kill. Rolling all up ons you.
Shay: i
Brad: You have:Hair Dryer, KNEE ACHE
Brad: ... vast bone damage
Brad: ...progressing up your walking legs
Shay: check bone damage
Brad: Your leg bones are splintered and shredding the painful wounds that were once your grade A walking legs.
Shay: realize what is happening, scream hysterically
Brad: Your screams awaken and summon the CHIGGER ARMY from the underbrush of the nearby field. You can hear them approaching
Shay: beg chiggers for mercy
Brad: They are a merciless lot, and begin feeding on your tender organs.
Shay: check organs
Brad: Your organs are being eaten by chiggers, some are being progressively squished by the STEAMROLLER. You have acquired: INTENSE PAIN AND SHAME
Brad: You have died of dysentery.
Brad: Score 148 out of a possible 7,0000
Brad: power ups accessed, 8
Brad: extra lives - 1
Brad: please insert coin to continue
Brad: 5
Brad: 4
Brad: 3
Brad: 2
Brad: 1
Shay: what
Brad: 0
Shay: dang
Shay: dysentery, didn't see that coming
Brad: No one does
Shay: I think I'm rusty
Brad: No, that's tetanus

Adventure #1,642: Death by Floyd (feat. Marshall)

2009-08-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

Brad: So you like ducks?
Marshall: I do
Brad: THEN FEED
Marshall: braag gorff
Brad: I have force fed you ducks. You have leveled up
Marshall: :D
Marshall: head north
Brad: To the north is a vast industrial complex, the hazy sky obscuring y our view of the sun, and freeom
Marshall: what is freeom?
Brad: Freedom isn't free. or containing Ds.
Marshall: Head south
Brad: To the South is Old Kentucky Shark's Field of Waffleplants. You encounter Floyd the barber, sitting on a stump, chewing on a torn piece of the canadian flag.
Brad: At his feet is a pile of marbles
Marshall: ask Floyd for a hair cut
Brad: Floyd, suffering from extreme age and "the tremblins" severs your head with his trimmin saw.
Brad: You have died of Floydation.
Brad: Final score 14.
Marshall: : \
Brad: them's the breaks, kid
Marshall: least i didn't pay for the haircut
Brad: you paid with your life
Brad: double burn
Marshall: I got a good deal
Brad: You look fantastic without your head
Marshall: thank you!
Marshall: I mean, ack gargle
Brad: Yes.

Adventure #13: Corrupted Savegame (feat. Dave A.)

2009-01-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay’s Textellent Adventure corrupt savegame recovery utility. Please enter desired corrupt savegame in the form of a question.
Dave: What?
Brad: Riddle me this, DAVE, What do you call a mailman who lost his job?
Dave: a man
Brad: you are correct, and have LEVELED UP. Pleace choose your prize: A- EXTRA PANTS, B- SOLID GOLD DIAMONDS, C: UNKNOWN MAP O TREASURE.
Dave: A
Brad: You have been awarded extra pants. They are corduroy, and brown. They smell of mint and have a crackly energy about them.
Dave: the smithsonian made me a sandwich and i soiled my pants, so these mint flavored pantaloons should do the trick
Brad: Don’t understand ‘should’
Brad: You have known the pleasures of TARSDIIL the elder witch god of the plains. You may now summon GODZILLA.
Dave: summon Godzilla
Brad: You summon Godzilla to a tea party. He is angry, but too polite to risk BAD DIPLOMACY. You pass him the KENTUCKY NIGHTMARE WHISKY SHARK. You both are sitting at a pink table.
Dave: bad diplomacy
Brad: You poke GODZILLA in the soft underbelly with a FICUS TREE. You recieve 4000 damage from ANGERBLAST. You have died.
Brad: your score was 18 out of 500.
Brad: Runes uncovered: 12
Dave: damn

Adventure #12: The Unbedding (feat. Katie)

2009-01-13T12:06:00.000-08:00

Katie: sys32272
Brad: Loading
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. You are part of an archaeological exploration team. You are Deep within the caves below NEW YORK. You are in a large cavern, to the east is an ANCIENT DOOR. To the West is an EXCAVATED TOMB. To the North is a pathway leading up to the surface. To the south is a POOL.
Katie: go east
Brad: You stand before the ANCIENT DOOR. It seems to be locked. You lean against it and hear MASSIVE PURRING. On the floor is a KEY and a NOTE
Katie: read note
Brad: The note says "WARNING DO NOT OPEN DOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Katie: put key in door
Brad: You place the key in the door. A rustling sound beyond stops. Your flashlight dims.
Katie: walk toward sound
Brad: You can't do that.
Katie: check flashlight
Brad: It is a LIGHTOFANTASTICO Flashlight. Batteries may be dying, or it might be a literary device used to foreshadow coming SCARY EVENTS.
Katie: check batteries
Brad: batteries have become SELF AWARE. They drop to the floor ninja style, thankful to you for releasing them from their prison, but wary of your giant feet.
Katie: since you won't let me go where i wanna go west
Brad: Syntax Error
Katie: go west
Katie: you stupid computer
Brad: Syntax Error
Katie: go west
Katie: %^&%^@
Brad: Don't understand
Brad: You leave the door with the key in it, almost unlocked but not quite, and travel West to the EXCAVATED TOMB
Katie: no i don't lock door
Katie: lock door go west
Brad: As you walk away from the NEARLY UNLOCKED DOOR, you hear the rustling behind the door begin again, and UNBELIEVABLE PURRING commence. You walk toward the TOMB.
Katie: enter tomb
Brad: You enter the EXCAVATED TOMB of KING RHODODENDRON. You spy a SARCOPHAGUS shaped like a shoe, a GOLDEN GIRAFFE HAT, and an ancient SWORD OF TANGLES
Katie: pick up sword
Brad: You pick up the SWORD. It is heavy and bent.
Katie: pretend to be King Arthur with sword
Brad: Don't understand 'Arthur'
Katie: unbend sword with blacksmith tools
Brad: You haven't any tools
Katie: yes i do, unbed sword
Brad: You unbed the sword, it is sleepy, and grumpy after a long nap.
Katie: unbend!
Brad: syntax error
Katie: use sword
Brad: You bum $3.80 off the sword and convince it to go pick up your dry cleaning. When the sword asks your help moving a shelf, you conveniently are "busy"
Katie: this game is stupid end game
Katie: exit
Katie: MEH I don't like your game
Brad: Your score is 2.

Adventure #11: Introducing Angry Henry

2009-01-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

Shay: sys327246
Brad: Loading
Brad: Welcome To DANGERTOWN ANIME FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP
Shay: this is gonna be so sweet.
Brad: Syntax Error
Brad: You stand before a massive obsidian obelisk. A solitary blinking light blinks at you near a button.
Brad: To the west is FROG VILLAGE
Brad: To the East is RICKY SCHROEDER's BANJO TRIO
Brad: To the North is OBSIDIAN OBELISK
Brad: To the south is CHARACTER CREATION HUT
Shay: s
Brad: You enter the Character Creation hut. The attendant greets you at the massive armored vault door. Inside the hut is CHARACTER SELECT STATION 7, An employee, a desk, and a waiting area.
Shay: say hello to employee
Brad: The employee's name is Janice.
Shay: say hello to Janice
Brad: Hi Stranger. New to these parts? I see you don't have a body. Would you like to create your Avatar?
Shay: use station
Brad: You waddle your amorpous blobby self up to the CREATIONSTATION. You are welcomed by a bootup screen and a friendly hum. "PLEASE SELCET FORM TEH PHOLLOWING GENDRES" A: Dolphin, B: MALE, C: ANGRYHENRY.
Shay: C
Brad: YOU HAVE CHOSEN ANGRY HENRY. You have achieved "Thanks for choosing Angry Henry" Achievement.
Shay: check achievements
Brad: You have 1 of 32 Achievements.
Shay: i
Brad: You have: AngryHenry body; 1 Underwater hobby kit; Elastic SHoes; Misspent Youth.
Brad: NOW CHOOSE POLITICAL ORIENTATION
Brad: A: REDNECK, B: SANDWICH STYLE, C: IMMORTAL
Shay: B
Brad: You are now associated with the Asian mafia political party. NOW CHOOSE ANGER LEVEL: A- Saucy but nice to kittens; B- RoadRageFisticuffs; C-HATREDCOPTER
Shay: B
Brad: You sheepishly choose ROADRAGE FISTICUFFS. You eyes fill blood red as your bloodpressure increases to an audible level. You instantly want to pummel JANICE. Janice backs away into the protective cage behind the DESK. YOU MAY NOW CHOOSE SPECIAL ABILITY: 1- RUMMAGE MASTER. 2- FIREJAW, 3- EXPERT FISHERMAN.
Shay: 2
Brad: You lean into the machine as liquid hot magma pours into a mold around your face. You sustain 47 damage and are now FIREJAW CAPABLE. CHARACTER CREATION IS OVEr. please exit the machine.
Shay: check damage
Brad: You have 7 out of 64 health.
Shay: exit machine, scream maniacally
Brad: You exit machine and thus the Creation Hut. You scream through your firejaw part from pain, part from ANGER. It is hard to see through the smoke from your flaming mandible. To the North is a FIDDLE CHALLENGE. to the South is TACO ISLAND. To the east is the back of the CHARACTER HUT. To the West be monsters.
Shay: n
Brad: You approach an enchanted grove. A menacing ROBOT FIDDLE MONSTER sizes you up for the CHALLENGE o DEATH. You may: A- ENTER RING. B- retreat in horror, C: - hey jim, we need a third option here. please get back to work, we need to ship this thing, and the graphics aren't tight enough on level 3. Also, please stop the unending humming. it makes me want to CRIME.
Shay: shriek with fury, A
Brad: As you shriek hard enough to fling flaming teeth toward your adversary, Randy the FIDDLEBOT takes a fighting stance. You enter the ring and a disembodied voice yells "FIGHT" Above you is a health bar, a score counter and a logo. Below you is a pixelated fighting arena. You may choose A, Up Up Down Down Left Right B A Start, or Left left A A Kick.
Brad: You may also choose FLEE
Shay: look logo
Brad: As you stare foolishly up at the logo of "DANGERTOWN ANIME FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP" RANDY THE FIDDLEBACK DINOSPIDER pierces your lungs with his A, A, B, B, Squat, Shimmy, Tickle attack. Blood and guts spew everywhere, getting on the ground, your record collection, the camera, etc.
Shay: A, Up Up Down Down Left Right B A Start
Brad: You have summoned DRAGONPANTS. in a framerate crushing display of particles and post FX, you dismember RANDY into 12 parts. You stand in a crater of your own making, as your FIREJAW is extinguished from the blow. Unfortunately, those 12 parts sprout tiny legs and teeth, and approach you. Licking their chops and sharpened bits, they descend upon you.
Brad: They stop just at the rim of your crater, and yield. You have defeated RANDY. They bestow upon you a BUCKET o GRAVY and a burning in your extremeties.
Shay: drink gravy
Brad: You have some trouble using your hands, but you attempt to drink the gravy. It is thick, and viscous. It is pleasing to your mouth parts. On the inside of the bucket is a message.
Shay: read bucket
Brad: "Do not in any case whatsoever trust RANDY or drink his SWEET GRAVY. It is poison most dire." "P.S. don't look now but your insides are MELTING."
Shay: look now
Brad: You accurately percieve that your wrist bound sundial reads 10:04 PM.
Brad: BOOOM
Brad: BOOOM
Brad: BOOOOOOM
Shay: roar
Brad: A Delorean bursts forth out of nowhere and rolls to a stop. Doc Emmet L Brown steps out of his Time Machine
Shay: attack doc
Brad: You fling your rubbery exoskeleton full of liquified INSERT ADVENTURER NAME HERE guts at Doc. He pokes you with a stick, and you begin to leak your PRECIOUS FLUIDS out over the parched fighting arena.
Brad: DOC retrieves a STRAW from the Delorean.
Brad: DOC Leans down and begins to drink your FLUIDS
Shay: activate roadrage
Brad: As a voice overhead screams "FINISH HIM," you ANGRILY AND WITH MUCH RAGE are sucked up through the straw.
Brad: "DOC WINS"
Brad: You have been defeated.
Brad: LOOT RECOVERED: 12
Brad: Extra life multiplier: -1
Brad: FANCY DRESS ACHIEVEMENT: Pantaloons a plenty
Brad: Final Score: 7
Shay: At least I got to be extremely angry.
Shay: That's the best part about any Angry Henry game.
Brad: Just wait till "ANGRY HENRY AND THE HOME DEFENSIVE DRIVING COURSE"

Adventure #10: Vanilla Ice is a dick (feat. Ryan)

2009-01-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

Ryan: SYS32592
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Chiggertrain Dance off 5000.
Brad: The year is 1987. You are part of the last of the manned deep space probes. A freak accident freezes you and your spaceship for 500 years. You return to Earth in the year 1991. Vanilla Ice has freed you.
Brad: To the west is your derelict spacecraft. To the East is Vanilla ice and his army of mutant warriors. To the north is a jungle. To the south is A burning wasteland of broken drum sets and pool cleaning equipment.
Ryan: i
Brad: You have: Spacesuit, Tang, Toy Ray Gun, 7 packets of Ketchup, a sense of bewilderment that VANILLA ICE has survived the holocaust.
Ryan: e
Brad: You approach VANILLA ICE. He is enthroned upon a pile of TARGET SHOPPING CARTS. He regards you with wonder. "Are you the spaceman?" he says.
Ryan: look
Brad: You stand before the throne of VANILLA ICE. To the West is your origin. To the south is a burning wasteland. To the north is JUNGLE. On the ground is a potato.
Ryan: give tang to vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice accepts your tang with trepidation. He challenges you to a TATERMASHIN CONTEST. Do you accept?
Ryan: y
Brad: You and VANILLA ICE compete for hours in the time-tested test of skill and agility. You fend off his advances like a prom date until finally you are outmatched over the last potato. Do you:
   A: Teach him the wonders of cowboys?
   B: Donate scissors to the poor?
   C: Equip yourself with extra teeth?
Ryan: c
Brad: As you fumble with your extra teeth, VANILLA ICE delivers a crushing blow to your guts with the sharp end of the POTATO MASHIN SPEAR. As you kneel before your victor, the blood rushing out of your body, VANILLA ICE Stands over you and shakes his vast head.
Ryan: equip gun
Brad: You equip the toy gun, it's plastic handle and colorful clear plastic insides show a myriad of soft, non threatening pieces.
Ryan: unequip gun
Brad: You cannot. it is SOULBOUND and way too sticky to let go of.
Ryan: use ketchup with potato
Brad: syntax error
Ryan: look vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice stands over you, happy to deliver your demise. He summons his chieftain to bring forth the CHIGGERHATCAGE
Ryan: n
Brad: You attempt to crawl Northward, the direction of the vikings and Birds in Spring. However, you are dying fast, and no amount of "n" is going to stop that. As you are crawling away slowly from the laughing VANILLA ICE, you stumble across a crack in the ground, inside is an iridescent shiny surface. You lean close, to hear the sounds of icecream trucks and happiness. You have discovered Surprisium.... The element of surprise!
Brad: YOU HAVE LEVELED UP
Ryan: surprise vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla ice is stunned into submission from utter gutwrenching surprise. The full force of pure Surprisium is brought to bear on the self declared KING OF LEXINGTON, MO. VANILLA ICE begins to melt.
Ryan: drink vanilla ice
Brad: As the last of VANILLA ICE melts , you hear a gurgling "YO WORD TO YOUR BURbleburble burble..." As you drink the 90's rapper's fluids, you realize that it isn't probably safe, as he is most likely considered biological waste even before the meltification. YOU HAVE 1 HEALTH LEFT.
Ryan: induce vomiting
Brad: You grab the nearest STICK and cram it down your throat. This might relieve the fluids from your sickly body, but in the course of inducing vomiting, you have inflicted upon yourself 1.3 damage.
Brad: You have died of stick ingestion.
Brad: score 138 out of 1400
Brad: secrets found: 1 out of 16
Ryan: I don't know why I ever trusted vanilla ice

Adventure #9: Let's try another game

2009-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

Shay: Sys32497
Brad: loading
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. UPDATE AVAILABLE. Do you wish to download the 1.02 Patch?
Shay: y
Brad: As the update downloads, a group of libyan immigrants enter your home and pluck out your left eye. They apply a "1.02" patch to you, rendering your face much more pirate like. You are now ready for "PIRATE STOVE"
Shay: look home
Brad: You are seated at your computer desk, pool of drying eye giblets on your keyboard. A map of PIRATE STOVE tacked to the wall.
Brad: To the East is RESTROOM to the west is SHELF OF COLLECTIBLE FIGURINES to the North is COMPUTER to the south is BED
Shay: look map
Brad: The map is tattered and faded, it shows a treasure of BEYOND buried deep within the sands of PIRATE STOVE.
Shay: use computer
Brad: You are already using the computer to play PIRATE STOVE.
Shay: turn off computer
Brad: You reach out and grasp the off switch, with a flick of mighty proportions, you *-------------------------------------------
Shay: look
Brad: ___________
Shay: i
Brad: __________
Shay: jump
Brad: __________
Shay: turn on computer
Brad: C:\
Shay: run TIMETRAVELCOP
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to TIMETRAVELCOP, the next greatest text based 3d adventure!
Brad: Would you like to:
   A: File report
   B: Get coffee
   C: File report
Shay: A
Brad: As you reach for the report, you notice it's half open. You read about a group of expatriot lybians invading homes and stealing eyeballs, leaving the victims in a state of PIRATESTYLE1000.
Shay: check report date
Brad: The report is dated January 14, 1821.
Brad: 4 AM
Brad: next wednesday
Shay: timehop 1-14-1821
Brad: You cannot do that yet.
Shay: look
Brad: You look about the office... It is drab and cold, as if all joy had bled out into the midsummer night. The ceiling fan slowly turns as light plays across the gentle wood blades. You consider the daffodil, as you wander around the office looking for your TimeHop footies. To the west is a DOOR. To the East is a DESK. To the North is a YETI. To the south is an EQUIPMENT CABINET
Shay: open cabinet
Brad: You yank open the cabinet door. A MUMMY falls out, slumps against you and collapses onto the floor.
Shay: take Hoppintimeboots from mummy
Brad: You remove the hoppintime boots from the Mummy. They fit as if your own.
Shay: timehop 1-14-1821 4am
Brad: You timehop to November 16, 1687. You have no idea how t o use timehoppin footies. You are in a train station. You have appeared in the middle of a brawl between Anchovie farmers and the Proletariat Regime. They both turn on you and immediately resolve their differences by beating the snot out of you. They have you cornered.
Shay: recover snot
Brad: As you reach out in futility for your spent nasal treasure, the mob lifts you up and carries you into the LOCKER ROOM. They deposit your bleeding self into the wooden locker, and promptly lock it. They toss in some peanut butter crackers wrapped in cellophane. You are trapped. The mob pools their money and out of their hatred of you time travelling yankees, purchase a long term storage contract for your locker. You will be allowed to exit said locker in 2014.
Brad: As you expire from your injuries and lack of television, you slowly mummify as your locker is removed some years later and installed in DETECTIVE OFFICE.
Brad: Game over
Brad: Score 28 out of 72
Shay: Dude
Shay: You have blown my mind.

Adventure #8: Dekneed (feat. Marshall)

2009-01-06T15:40:00.001-08:00

Brad: You are in a vast warehouse. To the East is the Mexican Space Shuttle. To the west is Camp Hate, to the north is the band GLASS PRISM. To the south is LARRY
Marshall: s
Brad: You approach LARRY the machete wielding albino dwarf. He deknees you. You now stand(sort of) without legs from the knees down.
Marshall: gather legs from ground
Brad: You add your legs to your inventory, among these are TACOS a BAG OF FUNIONS and the color GREEN
Marshall: attach tacos to knees where legs were
Brad: You graft the tacos to your kneesockets. Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling as you have been awarded AMAZING TROPHY SHOVEL SOMBRERO surprise. You have found a secret level. Do you:
   A: Search for pudding
   B: Investigate missing dragon tamer
   C: Scream in pain because you are still losing blood as it trickles over your painfully inadequate taco feet
Marshall: A
Brad: As you walk along on your Taco feet, leaving a trail of seasoned beef and taco stuffins, you grope your way along a stone path, in a stone cave, a light at the end of the tunnel shows you have entered a cavernous cavern. IN the center, on a pedestal is the STATUE OF PUDDING.
Marshall: look at pudding statue
Brad: You examine the statue of pudding, it seems to be a metal figure draped in delicious, delicious pudding. The tasty treat bubbling up out of the top of the statue and globbing down as it passes the base of the pedestal. At the bottom of the statue is a MOOSE ANTLER.
Marshall: eat teh pudding
Brad: you reach out for the pudding but it is protected by a HOVERING KILLCHOPPER named CLAY. Clay asks you to CEASE AND DESIST ALL SQUARE DANCING IMMEDIATELY.
Marshall: ignore clay, since I wasn't dancing. Look for spoon to eat pudding.
Brad: At the base of the statue of pudding is MOOSE ANTLER. Hovering nearby is CLAY KILLCHOPPER. Banjo music wafts nostalgically through the thick swampy air.
Marshall: Take moose antler
Brad: You wrench the ancient MOOSE ANTLER from its perch low atop the throne of pudding. You feel instantly calmer, as the soft fuzzy coating warms your skin.
Marshall: Place funion rings on each point of moose antler, and give to clay
Brad: Don't understand RINGS
Marshall: Eat pudding.
Brad: Clay is angered by your attempts to eat his pudding. He floateth menacingly closer to thee.
Marshall: N
Brad: You hobble North to the precipice. Below is a bottomless pool. There is no lifeguard.
Marshall: call out for larry
Brad: Larry is in Level 1-1. You have been warped to level 7-nivelo.
Marshall: Eat funions
Brad: Your teeth destroy the peaceful funions, eating them, you reflect on the hollowness in your own life long after the loss of your legs. As you finish off the funions, you notice tendrils growing out of your stumpy taco legs. You now have TENTACLEFABULOUS.
Marshall: Rejoice in new tentacle status, and enter pool.
Brad: You dance a merry jig as you leap daintily into the pool. Immediately sinking to depths that should kill you. Your tentacle legs offering no swimming capabilities at all.
Brad: The pressures of the bottomless pool begin to crush your feeble body as you plummet to the center of the earth.
Marshall: Use moose antler
Brad: you use the MOOSE ANTLER to gouge a hole in your neck, releasing your precious life before the torture of being crushed to death by the soft chlorinated pool water destroys your mind.
Brad: You have died.
Brad: Score - 14 out of 76.9
Marshall: Eat pudding
Brad: Ghosts don't eat pudding.
Marshall: :(
Marshall: well I guess that's as good as i should expect
Brad: You did well, young adventurer
Brad: At least I didn't harvest your skin.

Developer's diary #2: a challenger approaches

2009-01-05T14:11:00.001-08:00

Background: my friend Ryan has given me feedback on our textellent adventures, some of which did not sit well with Brad.

Shay: I passed some of your feedback on to Brad by the way
Shay: he challenged you to a game
Ryan: yes, I believe I was invited to be killed by chiggers
Shay: you may or may not be killed by chiggers.
Ryan: predicted transcript:
    me: SYS32592
    Brad: loading.......
    Brad: You have been eaten alive by chiggers.
Shay: It would be more like: "Welcome to Brad and Shay's you have been killed by chiggers. Score: -2000 out of -400000."
Ryan: hahaha
Ryan: I can't tell if "you have been killed by chiggers" is the title of the game
Ryan: or if it happened so fast it interrupted the title
Shay: it is a mystery
Ryan: I think both are funny
Ryan: I'll have to take brad up on his offer (to be eaten alive by chiggers)
Shay: I'll pass your acceptance along

Adventure #7: Victory?

2009-01-01T21:18:00.000-08:00

Shay: sys325932
Brad: loading
Brad: Welcome, Traveller, to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. You awaken groggy and disoriented, you are in a trunk or container of some kind. It is quiet, like the inside of a bowling ball hidden deep within the woods.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying a goldfish bowl full of pennies, OINTMENT, a Crazylegs Fandango album cover, a screwdriver, and a pocktful of Kryptonite.
Shay: look
Brad: You see the inside of a trunk, or possibly square cave, on one side is a door with a handle, behind you is a window, beyond the window is dirt. Above you is a rope looking thing. Much like a rope.
Shay: pull rope
Brad: You pull the rope, and hold on to it as you are pulled up out of the BURIED METAL BOX. You breathe fresh air with a fervor all your own, as pedestrians wonder why you are dressed much like a 18th century scaliwag. The trap door closes beneath you, and you are left on the street.
Shay: look
Brad: You see a cobblestone pathway meandering alongside a quiet brook. To the east is a fancy hot dog stand. To the West is Danger. To the North is Jim Chuckfield's Monkey Paradise tanning Salon. To the South is East Virginia.
Shay: w
Brad: You travel west over broken glass and burning tires. You come to a solitary figure hovering in the air, rotating slowly. The figure turns to point at you and screams. Daggers fall out of the sky as you run for cover underneath a metal awning. Under the awning is a dwarf named Edmond Ransmurfer...bobbins.. mc... steve.
Shay: look figure
Brad: it is a blackish figure, gaunt and floaty, rotating slowly in the air. a nametag says "Hi My name is LES NESSMAN"
Shay: say hi to Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: ERBM says "hello there, clamshot. Why the heck did you start the dagger rain? You smell like a genius."
Shay: rub ointment on Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve looks at the ointment you have used on him. His expression, hard to read. He slowly reaches into a pocket and reveals a BUS TOKEN and a SALAD FORK. He does not look pleased.
Shay: trade pennies for salad fork
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve takes all your pennies and ingests them, guttering, gasping noises fill the AWNING as he hands you the salad fork. It pulses with energy, or doesn't. You can't tell.
Shay: throw kryptonite at figure
Brad: You produce your KRYPTONITE and lob it at the figure, it sticks to the figure and the figure stops rotating. The figure begins to melt, INTO FLUIDS. After 45 minutes, all that is left of the dark figure is an oily pool of fluids on the ground and a chunk of TAINTED KRYPTONITE. The daggers stop falling.
Shay: look Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve is very happy the dagger rain has stopped, although he has a MASSIVE INTERNAL PAIN from ingesting $147 worth of pennies.
Shay: throw Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve at burning tires
Brad: Exhibiting an amazing feat of strength, you lift Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve high over your head, Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve wailing in discomfort as you heft his sour mass and heave him through the air at the burning tires. As the smallish man impacts the tires, and begins to melt, you notice the pennies he devoured issuing forth into the air, coin sounds chiming for each one as you notice in the air a point counter ticking up for each penny. You have received 1UP.
Shay: look 1UP
Brad: A glimmering green mushroom sleeps silently in the palm of your hand. He is rendered toon shaded, and anime style. You have an instant desire to either:

Eat him

Place him sofly in your pocket

Tickle his sleepy face
Shay: eat 1UP
Brad: 1UP Screams bloody murder by gum. You eat 1UP and feel the EXTRA LIFE coursing through your veins. You feel invincible at least once.
Shay: look
Brad: You are standing in a small clearing full of daggers, a small pool of MELTED FIGURE. To the East is a cobblestone pathway. To more East is a fancy hot dog stand. To the West is Danger. To the North is Jim Chuckfield's Monkey Paradise tanning Salon. To the South is East Virginia.
Shay: w
Brad: You go west, young man. into DANGER.
Shay: look danger
Brad: You are in a small western town, a sign says "Welcome to DANGER, ILLINOIS. Population: Meh."
Shay: take sign
Brad: You wrench the sign out of the hole with your Seven Arms a'Swingin. As you lift the sign up to wield it, and consider its wooden nature, you suddenly fall down a flight of stairs the has opened up in the dusty street. You arrive at an UNDERGROUND SALOOON.
Shay: wield sign
Brad: You hold aloft the mighty SIGN OF DANGER. a moldy voice full of smoke and wonder echoes out of the UNDERGROUND SALOON. "are you a god?"
Shay: say yes
Brad: You say yes. Gozer the shapeshifting god of destruction walks out, high fives you, and asks if you want to "get out of here." You and Gozer get along fairly well as long as you keep the sign of DANGER with you, and you two kids settle down in the suburbs of ATLANTA, raise some kids, and live happily ever after.
Brad: Game over
Brad: Score 1400 out of 7.
Shay: I finally won one!!!
Brad: That you did.
Brad: Way to go
Shay: Wait, what gender is Gozer again?
Brad: The wrong one.
Shay: :O

Adventure #6: Inversion

2008-12-29T16:59:00.001-08:00

Brad: SYS32592
Shay: loading.......
Shay: Welcome to Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventure!
Shay: You are standing in a marsh, surrounded by bog. Before you is a mailbox painted fuschia. To the north is a winding road. To the east is a bog. To the south is two bogs. To the west is a raptor village.
Brad: i
Shay: You are holding: a letter from your long-lost illegitimate son; a watermelon; a rusty knife; and a pink stuffed bunny for some reason.
Brad: Dance Jig
Shay: You dance a merry jig, attracting the attention of several raptors to the west
Brad: Take Mailbox
Shay: The mailbox is deeply rooted in the ground, but your mutant arm is able to yank it from the earth. You wield it threateningly at the raptors, which now surround you. Their glasses and hats glint in the light of their torches. "HE'S A WITCH!" they shriek.
Brad: Hug Raptors
Shay: The raptor hillbillies are touched by your display of friendliness. After conferring briefly, they agree to only devour your bewitched right arm. As they gobble it down, the mailbox falls to the ground and a package falls out of it.
Shay: The raptors move off to the west.
Brad: cauterize wound, wave g'day to raptors, open package
Shay: Out of the package hops FRED the pot-bellied pig and world-class high-fiver.
Shay: "I can help thee in thy search for thy illegitimate son... but thou must first answer my riddle: what is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Brad: Eat Fred
Shay: Without warning, you body-slam Fred, instantly crushing every bone in his innocent pig body. As you messily devour him, you find the Key of the Frozen North in his intestines. You have contracted salmonella. You have lost favor with Porkins the god of Pigs. You have gained favor with Gorgo, god of gluttony.
Brad: enhance relationship with Gorgo, Take Key, Create intestine golem.
Shay: You gorge yourself on pig meat in a disgusting display of excess. With the power granted you by the glutton lord, you use FRED's intestines to create SAM the intestine golem. "Wot business today, guv'nah?" asks Sam, with a tip of his fleshy hat.
Brad: look
Shay: The raptors in the village to the west are having a square dance. To the north is a path. Sam the intestine creature is here. "Blimey! Wot we doin' guv'nah?" he says.
Brad: N
Shay: You arrive at an infinite wall. Before the gate stands Jay the Knife Ghost. Sam looks upon him haughtily. "Don't care fer the look of that character none at all, guv'nah!"
Brad: invert sam
Shay: Sam happily inverts himself. "Crikey! G'day mate!" he says. Jay gazes upon these antics humorlessly, sharpening his blades in silence.
Brad: use inverted sam
Shay: You bum $5 off Sam. He feels used. You gain favor with SPONGOR, god of deadbeats.
Brad: confuse Jay
Shay: You hypnotize Jay; he becomes convinced you are a pincushion. As you lie bleeding on the ground, you hear Sam tell Jay, "Crikey, I never liked that bloke anyway!"
Shay: You awake in VALHALLA. Before you are Gorgon, Porkins, and Spongor. Porkins gazes upon you with great wrath in his divine porcine visage.
Brad: consider LASIK surgery
Shay: As you ponder the non sequitir of eye lasers, you recognize Spongor as your long-lost illegitimate son, now ascended to godly form. Unfortunately your reunion with him is cut short, as even he and Gorgo together cannot restrain PORKINS as he devours you. You will spend eternity being digested by a pig. How ironic.
Shay: Score: 2,000,678 out of 5 trillion.

Developer's diary #1: cruelty

2008-12-23T15:38:00.001-08:00

Shay: after reading this last one with Jeremy through, I think you're a cruel, sadistic little man.
Brad: hahahaha
Brad: what, making him die just outside the gates of a happy fair with puppies?
Shay: yeah, you need to learn to restrain your power
Shay: it's going to your head i think
Brad: I will try
Brad: you told me to kill him off...
Shay: there's killing off, and then there's him suffering an agonizing death while being berated by an omnipotent persecutor for not combing trees
Brad: HAHAHAH
Brad: I am cracking up

Adventure #5: Eyeballs and suffering (feat. Jeremy)

2008-12-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

Jeremy: Load
Brad: ....................................................
Brad: ..........
Brad: .
Jeremy: look
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure. You stand in a clearing, knee deep in orange mist. To the North is a CAVE. To the south is SEVEN MAIDS a MILKING. To the East is a Legendary Lake. To the west is RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Jeremy: s
Brad: You approach SEVEN MAIDS a MILKING, but the path is blocked by a pile of basketballs, and a troll with a glass eye, who voted libertarian in the last election. He is very guarded about his name.
Jeremy: ask about glass eye
Brad: "You may not ask me questions until you find my name. These basketballs will attack on command!"
Brad: "Attack" yells BOSCO the troll, as nothing happens, since basketballs are inanimate objects and their magical abilities only exist in his mind.
Jeremy: Pickup basketball
Brad: A SPALDING basketball, ordinary in every way. Something is inside, however. and rattles as if it were a fish made of metal and cheese.
Jeremy: Throw basketball at BOSCO
Brad: Don't understand 'At'
Jeremy: Hit BOSCO with Basketball
Brad: Bosco goes down in flames, his glass eye rolls out of his thudded skull and stops at your feet, looking up and slightly to the left.
Jeremy: pickup eye
Brad: It's warm and soggy, and feels magical.
Jeremy: use eye
Brad: You grab the nearest stick and gouge your left eye out, painfully crying tears of blood and agony as you watch the stick remove the last bits of your once perfectly functional left eye. You insert the glass eye in your socket and begin to feel strange, as if you can see normal out of your right eye, and in 1970s disco fantastic vision© in your left eye.
Jeremy: look
Brad: You are on a path, a pile of Basketballs to the South, to the north, is PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair. To the East are trees, to the west are Trees. In your left eye is INFECTION.
Jeremy: take basketball
Jeremy: e
Brad: You take one basketball and walk East. into several trees, banging your head on the thick woollen bark.
Brad: the way is clogged with vines and undergrowth, and littered with the remains of travelers and salesmen.
Jeremy: look woollen
Brad: The thick shaggy hide of the trees flow in the breeze. You have a strong desire to comb the trees. On the ground is Mr. ActionComb 2000. To the West is the path. In your left eye is MORE INFECTION.
Jeremy: hold eye
Jeremy: w
Brad: You remove your bloodied glass eye, a sickening TWOCK sound echoes through the great wooly trees. Obviously you don't care to comb the trees, and they are miffed at you. You travel back towards the path. A pile of Basketballs to the South, to the north, is PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair. To the East are trees, to the west are Trees. In your left eye socket is an UNGODLY AMOUNT OF INFECTION.
Jeremy: n
Brad: You make your way North, occasionally stumbling, losing your concentration due to the UNHOLY MASSIVE AMOUNT OF BODILY FLUID TAINTING INFECTION taking up residence inside the left half of your stubborn "i don't want to comb the trees" head. As you reach the entry gate of PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair, you beging to suffer greatly from dizziness, lack of speech, and begin to hallucinate tastes and smells such as: Moss, Tabletop Varnish, and sheetrock dust. You stand at the gate and realize you have no ticket. On the other side of the gate is a sign.
Jeremy: read sign
Brad: The words, blurried and barely coherent due to INTENSE BLOOD LOSS FROM INFECTION AND TOENAIL SMOLDERING PAIN FROM GAPING WOUND IN HEAD, reads: "Tickets available in the trees, comb them gently for extra FUNTIME happy ticket amazing." You have 14 seconds to live before your body convulses and liquefies.
Jeremy: sit down
Jeremy: close eye
Brad: You sit, barely aware of the decay coursing through your veins. Children and puppies and happy people avoid you on their way to the Job Fair. You close your one good eye, as the last thing you see is a basket full of LOWFAT ANTI INFECTION OINTMENT SALVE in the crook of a woolen tree. The tree ominously acknowledges your fate, and will tell his poker buddies how "The man who wouldn't comb us" died sputtering.
Brad: The Chiggers won't even eat your OMGINFECTIONPALOOZA body.
Brad: Game over.
Jeremy: From heaven above: *smile*
Brad: Unfortunately you have been sent to tree heaven, and have been made a COMBINGSLAVE level 1.
Brad: There are no smiles in tree heaven.

Adventure #4: Don't sign off (feat. Jeremy)

2008-12-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

Jeremy: system 359234
Brad: You wake up in a cave. To the north is a hospital, to the south is The valley of Crondium. To the East is a band of merry men. To the west is DENVER.
Jeremy: n
Brad: You approach the hospital, it is painted an odd color of green and lime green, with avocado accents. You enter the lobby and notice it is abandoned. Gurneys and cold war era medical equipment gather dust. In the corner is a flickering television monitor. Underneath the dust is some kind of image.
Jeremy: wipe dust
Brad: The dust. It clings to your body like spores... your central nervous system begins to succumb to the dust spore invasion, the image on the monitor is visible finally, perhaps it's a warning you should read?
*** "Jeremy" signed off at Tue Dec 23 15:09 2008.
Brad: ...
*** "Jeremy" signed on at Tue Dec 23 15:11 2008.
Brad: the dust is still invading your body.
Jeremy: read warning
*** "Jeremy" signed off at Tue Dec 23 15:12 2008.
*** "Jeremy" signed on at Tue Dec 23 15:19 2008.
Brad: You quickly look at the warning... "DON'T TOUCH THE DUST"
Brad: A shadow falls across you, and the biggest chigger you have ever seen begins eating you.
Jeremy: Wipe dust off hands
Brad: You have been eaten by chiggers. Game over.
Jeremy: Wow walk away from the laptop and you lose the game in a few turns..
Brad: Don't understand "off" which doesn't matter... you're dead anyway
Jeremy: Score
Brad: 1.894 out of 1429

Adventure #3: Hints are pouty

2008-12-18T10:47:00.000-08:00

Shay: sys 32592
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure.
Brad: loading....
Brad: ...
Brad: ..
Brad: ....
Brad: ..
Brad: You stand in an empty shipping container, the door slightly ajar. To the east is the opening, on the floor is a jar.
Shay: look in jar
Brad: Inside the jar is bait
Shay: e
Brad: You exit the shipping container, you come out into the pouring rain. It's hard to see where you are, it could be Memphis, or a train station. To t he north is a foggy expanse of walkable area, to the south is a giant wall of tires, to the west is the shipping container, to the west is a cave.
Brad: to the west is some grass
Brad: to the west is a young man
Shay: look young man
Brad: The man is in his early 20s, standing on top of a shiny disc. He seems worried about a kind of Canadian hockey team.
Shay: tell young man hello
Brad: don't understand man
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello you say, as the young man melts into fluids. His shiny disk gleams in the rain.
Shay: look fluids
Brad: The fluids you seek have washed away
Shay: look disk
Brad: The disk left behind by Waldo the melted man has intricate writings and logos and trademark information etched into it's glowy, gleaming, glowing surface. It seems easy enough to step on, almost as if it wants you to be melted upon its comfortable looking to stand on surface.
Brad: It's probably made in china
Shay: s
Brad: You approach the giant wall of tires in disgust, as you left the disc behind and the jar of bait as well, without picking them up. The tires lean back and forth menacingly. Beyond the tires is a magical looking land where the sun is shining forth through the tires. The rain still pouring on your side of the tires, begins to get colder.
Shay: take tire
Brad: You take one solitary tire, its normal mapped contours and specular highlights glinting in the dynamic lighting from beyond. A complex material of trickling water cascades across its surface. You regard these next gen graphics with awe and wonder.
Brad: The rest of the tires collapse, opening the way south
Brad: To the south is a sunlit land, to the north is rain,
Shay: n
Brad: you arrive back at the shipping container, you notice it's empty, save for a jar of bait. And a new inhabitant. FIDEL CASTRO.
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: The disc is West
Shay: w
Brad: You arrive at the disc. it wants to gleam at you, but it is sad because you abandoned it. It looks up at you like a mistreated puppy with all the emotional depth a shiny disc can muster. Underneath the disc is a mushroom.
Shay: put tire on disc
Brad: don't understand disc
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: don't understand disc. Perhaps you should use the 2 or 3 word sentance structire we have all come to love in text adventure games. FIDEL CASTRO can teach you.
Shay: pause
Shay: dude, you're not even consistent about the two-word thing
Brad: are we editing this out?
Shay: yes
Brad: I know, it's at the whim of the computer
Shay: sigh
Shay: unpause
Shay: take disc
Brad: you take the disk with a giant sucking sound, as the rest of the disc comes out of the sodden ground. you notice a handle on the back of the disc.
Shay: e
Brad: You arrive back at the merrygoround factory picnic, the shipping container is still open, a FIDEL CASTRO is feasting on the commie bait in the jar. To the west is a hole, to the south is a magical sunlit land, to the north is a foggy expanse.
Shay: hit castro with disc
Brad: don't understand 'with' but I can fake it. YOu hit a FIDEL CASTRO with the disc. Nothing happens. FIDEL CASTRO is invincible, you dolt. Try trapping him in the shipping container.
Shay: turn off hints
Brad: Hints are lost forever.
Shay: close container
Brad: done
Shay: laugh
Brad: done
Shay: listen to screams of anguish with smile on face
Brad: done
Shay: s
Brad: done
Shay: look
Brad: loading....
Brad: done
Shay: turn on hints
Brad: Hints are pouty. and not speaking to you right now.
Shay: look
Brad: To the south is a cave
Brad: to the north is some trees
Brad: to t he west is a magical sunlit land
Brad: to the east is Clothes Hanger Flotilla 8000
Shay: e
Brad: you arrive at ClothesHangerFlotilla 8000, your Character creation screen.. Would you like to: Choose gender, choose length of beard, choose robotic implant
Shay: choose length of beard
Brad: You are presented with 4 options Long, ZZTOP, Short, or Tentacle.
Shay: ZZTOP
Brad: As you don your ZZTOP beard, you hear the ghost of ABE LINCOLN step up to you and present you with a magical top hat. BE YE KIND TO YONDER MONKEY FARMERS, FOR THEIRS IS THE YOKE OF THE ANCIENTS. he says.
Shay: hug lincoln
Brad: Lincoln appreciates your kindness
Shay: choose robotic implant
Brad: As GHOST LINCOLN evaporates with a wink and a bristling of canvas, you choose from: LASER EYES, METALFEETHOPPINTIME2000, ROBOTSPIDERLEGSFORARMS2.9, orASSEMBLYLINEHIJINX SPINE UPGRADE
Shay: METALFEETHOPPINTIME2000
Brad: The tiny robotic slugs slowly emerge from the recesses, they dissolve your feet most painfully. As the last remnants of your human feet are eaten away by the slugjuices, the ROBOTOTRON assembles your hoppintime feet from the metal innards of 3 different copy machines.
Brad: You may now hop 1.3X higher
Shay: timehop 1492
Brad: You hop in the air to heights previously unreachable, and when you land, it is the distant future. The year is 1492. Whence columbus sailed the oceans blue.
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in future
Brad: the year is 1987.
Shay: look feet
Brad: Your feet are shiny and new. All aboard. They've been waiting for you. THE LOOOVE BOAT.
Brad: To the north is the LOVE BOAT. To the south is AMERICA to the west is Rodney Dangerfield. To the east is APPLE
Shay: hop e
Brad: You hop on down to where APPLE sits on the ground. APPLE is a norweigian pit viper. He looks dangerous.
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello, (read namestring $1). How are you today? May I interest you in a Baklava?
Shay: take baklava
Brad: BAKLAVA IS POSION
Shay: throw baklava at APPLE
Brad: APPLE dodges BAKLAVA utilizing a low compression animation routine.
Brad: APPLE then bites your metallic feet
Brad: To the south is CUBA
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in past
Brad: loading
Brad: .....
Brad: you land on APPLE as he tries to bite your past self, stopping his attack, and therefore the reason to timehop back to stop the attack you just stopped. The resulting rupture in the time space continuum and logic fault in the program ceases the game world to function. You have crashed the game. You will now have your skin harvested by GHOST LINCOLN.
Shay: look GHOST LINCOLN
Brad: your skinned eyes behold GHOST LINCOLN as he neatly folds your body's largest organ for laundry day later. As you bleed to death, you notice the futility of time travel.
Shay: game over?
Brad: Don't understand ? Game exiting to desktop. ERROR #8927 Unknown error.

Adventure #2: Shay really wants to go to Cuba

2008-12-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

Brad: You stand abandoned, near a burning tire and french fry box.
Brad: to the east is sadness. To the west is a scorpion hat. To the north is a pathway. to the south is Cuba
Shay: s
Brad: You can't go that way
Shay: look tire
Brad: Michelin 100022 with alcoa aluminum wheel. slightly on fire.
Shay: take fire
Brad: you set yuor arm on fire, it burns. but in a good way.
Shay: e
Brad: you travel east past the mountains and the deserts. You fjord a small river and pass a cottage, the sounds of humble music seeping out into the cold wintry night. As you arrive at e, you realize it's just not as exciting as the mountains and the desert, the tiny frogs in the stream. it's just an e.
Brad: To the west is happiness. to the south is cuba
Shay: look at e
Brad: you look towards happiness, mountains and frogs and cottage wenches and music
Shay: look at cuba
Brad: Cuba is mighty fine.
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: enter cottage
Brad: as you enter the cottage, a wench greets you. She looks like she's had one too many years around the spinning wheel.
Shay: ask wench about cuba
Brad: Aye, Cuba is mighty fine... mighty fine. But ye can't get there.
Shay: ask wench about boats
Brad: I've not seen boats around these parts in a possum's age. I once heard tell of a boat way west of the mountains.
Shay: leave cottage, w
Brad: You travel West, leaving teh cottage wench screaming in disgust. You pass the deserts, and realize you're stuck at the tiny frog river. On the ground is a spatula, beyond the river is an ogre.
Shay: ask ogre about cuba
Brad: the ruins of a bridge dripping from the ogre's mouth
Brad: don't understand about
Shay: look into spatula
Brad: don't understand spatula
Shay: take spatula
Brad: you wield aloft the mighty ExPatula, power and glory seem to seep into your skin.
Shay: remove clothes
Brad: To the south is Cuba
Shay: i
Brad: You are holding aloft the might ExPatula, you have a hat on, and your mouth is full of bees.
Shay: spit bees at ogre
Brad: you unleash a mighty swarm of ogre killin' bees. The ogre succumbs to the onslaught in a very framerate expensive particle effect, and lots of physics assets being thrown around.
Brad: the ogre now bridges the river.
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: w
Brad: Clothed only in your magical spatula, you bound across the ogre's rotting corpse, crossing the river, and pass on to the mountains. To the west is a clearing, to t he south is Cuba, to the north is the mountain queen's cabin, to the east is the ogrebridge
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: w
Brad: you enter a clearing, it looks strangely familiar. Ted is sleeping in the corner.
Shay: ask Ted about boat
Brad: Ted says boats are tasty, he hasn't had a good boat in several years.
Shay: w
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: s
Brad: the way is blocked
Shay: ask Ted about assassinating fidel castro
Brad: don't understand 'about'
Shay: pet Ted
Brad: ted purrs much like a largish spider would. He then constructs you a raft out of webbing and spittle.
Shay: enter raft
Brad: you enter the raft
Shay: s
Brad: to the south is a dock
Brad: you can't use a raft on dry land
Shay: exit raft, take raft, s, put raft in water, enter raft
Brad: You are in a raft. To the north is a dock to the east is water, to the west is the Island of Union Steelworkers, to t he south is Cuba
Shay: s
Brad: you have no oar.
Shay: take spatula, s
Brad: as you paddle fervently with your spatula southward, you encounter a whirlpool. to the east is water, to the west is the Island of uniion steelworkers, to the south is Cuba, inside the whirlpool is sparkly secrets
Shay: s
Brad: To t he south is CUBA
Shay: s
Brad: You travel south across the watery depths, with no provisions, no water, no shield for your pale, soft skin, you almost die from exposure. You and your raft wash up on CUBA. To the north is Alabama. To the south is southern CUBA. To the east is a mermaid assisted living home. To the west is SANDCASTLEPALOOZA. On teh ground is a map of Detroit
Shay: w
Shay: wait, i meant west.
Brad: You reach SANDCASTLEPALOOZA. It is closed.
Shay: I MEANT EAST
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: e
Brad: theway is blocked
Shay: unblock the damn way
Brad: perhaps you should look e
Shay: look e
Brad: Looking e, you realize the tide has come in, there's no way to reach the mermaid assisted living home. To the north is alabama across the ocean. To the south is southern CUBA. To the west is SANDCASTLEPALOOZA, which is closed. On the ground is a ray gun and a turtle named Eric.
Shay: take ray gun, tell eric hello
Brad: Eric greets you with a 40 and an 8 ball. He asks if you're in a gang.
Shay: ask Eric about Castro's whereabouts
Brad: Eric is drunk now.
Shay: s
Shay: wait
Shay: take eric
Brad: you take eric in a clear violation of text adventure causality. Eric sleeps softly against your naked skin. You travel south and come to a clearing.
Brad: to the east is Cindy's Exotic Garden Tools Emporium
Brad: to the west is MISSING TEXTURE
Brad: To the North is the beach
Brad: to the south is more CUBA
Shay: combine eric and spatula and ray gun to create thermonuclear device
Brad: don't understand and
Shay: s
Brad: you come to a tree. A tree house perches atop in the leaves, on the ground is a lighter, a bag of charcoal, some cheese, a container of worcestershire sauce, 3 marbles, a dead politician, some pieces of chalk, and a trained monkey.
Shay: look at dead politician
Brad: he's been killed by falling damage +3. His pockets are full of gold doubloons, and his suit might fit you. his vacant eyes stare at you from beyond this mortal coil. In his hand is a map of DETROIT
Shay: look at eyes
Brad: his eyes enchant you. you weep longingly for his warmth
Shay: contemplate mortality
Brad: You contemplate mortality.
Shay: contemplate futility of both communism and attempts to overthrow communism
Brad: don't understand 'attempts'
Shay: put ray gun in mouth
Brad: you chew on ray gun
Brad: the sand getting between your teeth
Shay: set eric free
Brad: you are eaten by chiggers.
Shay: game over?
Brad: game over
Brad: Eric was your chigger protector
Shay: dang

Adventure #1: Shay meets Ted the spider

2008-12-15T13:41:00.000-08:00

Brad: You are in a large field, to the north is a spider. to the east is a fountain garden. To the west is a path to the south is Jamboree Physical Stimulation Simulation 5000 robotic excitement.
Shay: n
Brad: You arrive at Ted, the large spider. To the south is the crash site, to the east is a waffle, to the west is a dystopian nightmare replete with sadness and disappointment
Shay: look Ted
Brad: Ted regards you with contempt. He has a frying pan in one mandible and he guards a magic shoe on a stump.
Shay: ask Ted about shoe
Brad: don't understand about
Shay: take shoe
Brad: Ted disapproves
Shay: eat shoe
Brad: as the delicate shoe meat passes into your mouth, flavored by the feet of a hundred warriors, you succumb to an overdose of leather LSD. Ted removes your neck bones from the back of your spine, and you are eaten by chiggers
Shay: look chiggers
Brad: your zombie eyes gaze upon the army of chiggers high fiving Ted. Nice work, guys, he says.
Shay: stand
Brad: you stand, as ted inserts a thousand eggs into your abdomen. "I gotta propagate my species." Ted picks up the TV remote and puts it in the frying pan.
Shay: w
Brad: You go west to work at Midway
Shay: ouch
Shay: game over