Wednesday, June 30, 2010

On a warm summer's evening, on a train bound for THE FUTURE

Shay: you know I can't ignore a challenge
Shay: that's why I get totally addicted to games
Brad: I challenge you to lick the sun.
Shay: I'll be right back
Sent at 3:26 PM on Wednesday
Brad: Shay?
Sent at 3:39 PM on Wednesday
Brad: ok, stop trying to lick the sun. it is impossible
Shay: give me a minute or two more
Brad: No, the time has come to lock S foils in attack position.
Shay: if S stands for Sunlicker, I agree.
Brad: Sunlicker.
Brad: Good band name
Shay: yeah
Brad: How bout this: KENNY ROGERS PRESENTS
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CLAW 2
Brad: INSERT POKER
Shay: I...
Shay: .......how did you know I love Kenny Rogers...
Brad: I read your file.
Shay: if I play this game, will I actually get to...
Shay: 1) do something
Shay: 2) meet Kenny Rogers?
Shay: 3) LICK Kenny Rogers?
Brad: 1)yes, 2)no
Brad: 3)
Brad: MAYBE
Shay: ...
Shay: open fireplace; take poker; insert poker
Brad: You insert poker deep into your chest, YOU HAVE DIED
Shay: !
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CURSE IS UPON YE
Shay: look gambler
Brad: Somewhere in the distance, the gambler, he broke even.
Brad: Score 12.
Brad: KENNY ROGERS LICKED: 0
Brad: You did earn one credit if you want to play again
Shay: ...what's the high score on number of Kenny Rogers licked?
Brad: MONKETBOY has achieved 1,439 LICKS
Shay: ...
Shay: insert credit
Brad: CREDIT DENIED
Shay: ...
Brad: Ellipsis Accepted as credit.
Shay: what
Brad: You have ONE LIFE TO LIVE
Shay: sweet
Brad: YOU MUST CHOOSE - ALL MY CHILDREN's HOSPITAL, REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS, MILLENIUM FALCON CREST
Shay: which one of these has kenny
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR: Don't understand KENNY
Shay: which one of these has
Brad: REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS
Shay: weird parser.
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED SECRET LEVEL
Shay: look
Brad: You are in VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL.
Brad: To the NORTH is FOOD COURT
Brad: To the SOUTH is DAINTY OBJECTS
Brad: To the WEST is SLEEPY HOBO
Brad: To the OTHER WEST is CASH REGISTER
Shay: go north; look kenny rogers' roasters
Brad: You enter the FOOD COURT. The BURGER KING resides on his THRONE. The loyal subjects dance for his pleasures. You inquire as to the whereabouts of KENNY ROASTER. No one knows how to speak your language.
Shay: look throne
Brad: THE BURGER KING resides on it. It is constructed of vinyl LPs and yeti pelts. On the floor is a UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying: KENNY ROGERS, A LOCKED ANTI LICKING FACEMASK, a FLASHLIGHT, PIPE CLEANERS.
Shay: !
Brad: You empty your inventory on the ground.
Brad: Except for your facemask.
Shay: upside-down i?
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR
Shay: look kenny rogers
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has been malnourished and beaten unconscious. He wears a beaver suit, and may have at one time been GAMBLING.
Shay: take translator, ask burger king to feed beloved kenny
Shay: ...also lick kenny
Brad: You take the Translator, and communicate your desires to feed KENNY ROGERS. The Fiefdom of Fast Food furnishes French Fries and Fudge. You are unable to LICK KENNY.
Shay: look mask
Brad: Your mask is on you, it's difficult to look at it, though you feel as if ALL LICKING MANEUVRES HAVE BEEN HAMPRED BY YON METAL MASK. KENNY ROGERS seems to be recovering.
Shay: go south
Brad: You venture SOUTH to VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL. A sleeping HOBO lounges at the doorway.
Shay: look hobo
Brad: HE SLEEPS!!!! He seems to have a KEYRING in his pocket amidst the half eaten CINNABONS crammed into every pocket he claims in his pocketdom.
Shay: take keyring, cinnabons
Brad: You begin to remove the KEYRING from HOBO. He awakens and asks you what you are doing.
Shay: explain that I am taking a keyring from him in hopes that it will unlock the facemask that prevents me from achieving my inexplicable lifelong dream of licking kenny rogers
Brad: DON"T UNDERSTAND "THAT"
Brad: GRAMMER FOUL! -14 points
Shay: kill hobo
Brad: You wrench the life from the poor HOBO. His keys and cinnabons fall about the bloodstained corpse.
Shay: loot hobo
Shay: take wrench
Brad: HOBO contains: Entrails, HOBO PELT, LETTER signed K.R., Keys, Cinnabons.
Shay: read letter
Brad: The Letter reads: Dear Brother Fred, I hate to hear you're down on your luck. Hopefully as you wander the plains and malls, you'll find yourself out there. I do know one thing, we Rogers' are always longing for Cinnabons. I know you took a bad turn when you lost your TV show, but I am here to tell you the public loves you. Take care of yourself, and keep these keys. There will be a man come one day, wild haired old scientist, or a boy, asking about this almanac. That day comes, you shoot him.
Brad: Love, Kenny.
Brad: REALIZATION UNLOCKED
Shay: weep over corpse of Mr. Rogers
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED :GAMERTAG: WINTER OF DISCONTENT - Kill Mr. Rogers
Brad: HONOR -122
Shay: take keys, cinnabons, wrench
Brad: Don't Understand WRENCH
Shay: n
Brad: You approach the FOOD COURT
Brad: THE BURGER KING has fallen asleep, your Inventory remains on the floor. KENNY ROGERS is awakening
Shay: use keys on mask
Brad: You scrape the mask with the keys until it falls apart from extreme scratching.
Brad: MINUS 18 POINTS - DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY
Shay: ask kenny about licking
Brad: KENNY says you have to KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM.
Shay: and?
Brad: AND WHEN TO FOLD EM
Brad: When to walk away...
Shay: what about licking?
Brad: AND WHEN TO HAVE SKIN THAT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS ROTISSERIE CHICKEN
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has gone insane
Shay: lick kenny
Brad: You like kenny.
Shay: ...LICK kenny
Brad: Don't understand ...L
Shay: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE
Brad: Rage points +12
Brad: KENNY ROGERS levels a pistol at you. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME BACK HERE, BOY.
Brad: NOW GO BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Brad: KENNY ROGERS Kills you
Shay: KENNY ROGERS IS NOT IN BACK TO THE FUTURE
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR -
Shay: WHY ARE WE YELLING
Brad: KENNY ROGERSES LICKED - 0
Brad: Score - 9
Brad: Yelling bonus - 19
Brad: Total Score - Green.
Shay: ...All right that was pretty good

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Leavingening, Part 5

Brad: This is the best game I have ever seen
Brad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MqvIHxkQo
Shay: never played it, but heard about it
Brad: You heard about a game called seaman about a snarky anthropomorphised bass?
Shay: yeah, I thought everyone knew about this game
Shay: pretty sure it was a launch title for dreamcast
Brad: More like nightmarecast
Shay: it's so weird
Brad: That thing is creepypalooza
Shay: yeah
Shay: it's like that psychologist game
Brad: Oh, super Freud brothers?
Brad: Where you psychoanalyze yourself as a clone twin while rescuing your mother from a post-hypnotic couch?
Shay: http://www.manifestation.com/neurotoys/eliza.php3
Shay: Eliza
Brad: I see.
Shay: Don't you even say Hello?
Brad: Yes, now you are eaten by chiggers.
Brad: Shay -1200
Brad: Achievements unlocked - Eliza Says Hi
Shay: WE ARE NOT PLAYING A GAME
Brad: Unicorn droppings recovered - 14
Brad: PLEASE INSERT COIN
Shay is now offline
Brad: Dang
This user isn't online!

The Leavingening, Part 4

Brad: Do you have red dead redemption?
Shay: nope
Shay: I don't have time for games
Brad: Do you have time to play : : DAWSON'S CREEK MASSACRE : :
Brad: ?
Shay: ...okay that actually sounds kinda fun
Shay: BUT I will not be tempted! you're just going to screw with my head and then kill me without letting me do anything!
Brad: No.
Brad: i... wont
Shay: you're lying.
Brad: CURSES
Brad: >>>poof<<<

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Leavingening, Part 3

Brad: Would you like to play
::: DUNGEONS AND DUNGEONS :::
:::HERE THERE BE NO DRAGONS::
:: INSERT DRAGONS :::
Shay: I'm good, thanks.
Brad: How bout ::::: SMALL WONDER HOME REPAIR SET ::::
Shay: ...

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Leavingening, Part 2

Shay: you feel asleep.
Brad: I do feel asleep
Shay: uh oh, the truck have started to move!
Shay: such a good game
Brad: what game
Shay: Metal Gear
Shay: for the NES
Brad: pff
Brad: never played it
Shay: we played it with my next-door-neighbor many many days
Brad: Did you use your mouth?
Shay: ...no
Brad: Will you play :::: NIGHT GOLF MOUTH EDITION?:::: INSERT TOKEN
Shay: ..........no.
Brad: What about :::GANDALF COOKING CHAMPION::::
Brad: INSERT TOLKIEN
Shay: ...I'm allergic to eating wizard.
Shay: ...Just... stop man
Shay: you're not going to bring it back

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Leavingening

Brad: :::::: KILLTRON the UNICORN::::::
:::::::: a Bradleycorp game© :::::::::
:::::::: INSERT COIN :::::::::::
Shay: /me inserts a penny
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: /me inserts a sovereign
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: The sovereign was a king.
Brad: YOUR CREDIT SCORE IS TOO LOW TO PLAY THIS GAME
Brad: Check Equifax for your free credit report
Brad: CHOOSE CREDIT OR DEBIT
Shay: /me makes out a check for $800 and inserts it.
Brad: :::VERIFYING FUNDS::::
Brad: COngratulations! You have donated $2,301 to the Friends of BP Rotary club.
Shay: /me hits ESC furiously
Brad: Your name will appear on the plaque set adrift at sea in honor of BP and its illustrious drilling campaign
Brad: PLEASE CHOOSE SEAGULL ANGER
Shay: unicorn
Brad: SYNTAZ EROR.
Brad: You are adrift at sea. There is oil to the W. To the east is OIL
Brad: to the north is THE AMERICA
Brad: to the south is ROBOCUBA
Shay: look oil
Brad: You cast your gaze towards the glistening black slick approaching your vessel. It is from the depths unknown, and seems to have a mind of its own
Shay: i
Brad: You have in your unicorn pockets: Unicorn balm, a satchel full of thousands of dollars, a shovel
Shay: look boat
Brad: Your small seagoing craft is small, made of rubber, it resembles a donut. It's probably an innertube. Complete with patch on side.
Shay: paddle north
Brad: You use your shovel to paddle north, leaving the incoming oil slick to wave at you, sadly, as though you had never met. You were like two hummingbirds, who also never met. You come to an invisible wall, as if the game designers didn't put pathfinding polys here. You see a badly mapped texture, and wonder what environment artist built out this level.
Shay: look texture
Brad: It is a poorly mapped TGA of water. This section doesn't tile well. Next to it you see a periscope looking at you.
Shay: look periscope
Brad: it looks at you
Shay: wink at periscope
Shay: suggestively
Brad: the periscope winks back, and suddenly your craft is lifted high out of the water by ROBOMARINE, an inhabitant of ROBOCUBA. You and ROBOMARINE( a giant robot submarine) have now agreed to a first date in his homeland of ROBOCUBA. and are swiftly making your way SOUTH.
Brad: You, being a unicorn, have never had such an honor.
Shay: look robomarine
Brad: ROBOMARINE is a giant nuclear submarine with childlike drawings of unicorns on it. He is making swift his crossing of the ocean, pulling OIL along with him in his vast wake. The friction of the submarine on the water creates many sparks, and soon you both are engulfed in FLAMES.
Shay: enter robomarine, yell "dive"
Brad: You clumsily enter ROBOMARINE. The dank interior hasn't been inhabited since ROBOMARINE gained consciousness and eradicated its crew. the remains still manning their posts. ROBOMARINE dives, with the hatch open.
Brad: Your means of escape quickly becoming a watery tomb
Shay: close hatch
Brad: You manage to close the hatch, but only after ROBOMARINE is half full of water and BURNING OIL.
Shay: apply unicorn salve to burning oil
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND SALVE
Shay: hit burning oil with shovel
Brad: You manage to spread burning oil all over your shovel, and splatter it on the walls, and your face, and the smell of fried unicorn begins to make you hungry. FOR YOURSELF
Brad: THUD
Brad: You and robomarine hit the beach of ROBOCUBA,
Shay: open hatch
Brad: outside, the beach is littered with fire extinguishers and lollipops. the hatch has been MELTED CLOSED
Brad: you are quickly running out of air
Shay: puncture hull with horn
Brad: You breach the hull with your horn. It leaves an air sized hole. The BURNING OIL STILL CLINGING TO YOUR BODY
Brad: The fresh air now makes haste to feed the flames of OIL
Shay: widen hole, escape onto beach
Brad: Don't understand ONTO
Shay: widen hole
Brad: You work with your horn to widen the hole, the more air rushing in, the more BURNING happens. However, you do manage to eventually, boringly, widen t he hole enough to escape ROBOMARINE
Brad: You spill out onto the BEACH
Shay: stop, drop, roll
Brad: You roll around on top of the piles of FIRE EXTINGUISHERS littering the beach. The fire consumes most of your flesh
Shay: use fire extinguisher on self
Brad: You try the extinguisher, they're all EMPTY WHAT A CRUEL JOKE I HAVE PL... um. They do not work.
Shay: i
Brad: You have, A satchel of burned dollars, a shovel, MASSIVE 5thDEGREE BURNS, BURNING OIL, a small magical pendant.
Shay: look pendant
Brad: As you look at your pendant, transfixed by it's beauty, an army of chiggers, summoned to the beach by your frantic flailing on the fire extinguishers, suddenly attack the freshly cooked unicorn meat encasing your self
Shay: use pendant
Brad: You use the PENDANT OF ETERNAL BOWEL OBSTRUCTION!
Shay: all right, that's it
Shay: Brad... I'm not playing your games anymore.
Brad: Why???
Brad: I kept trying to kill you off
Shay: EXACTLY!
Shay: I don't get to do anything! Your games are just elaborate torture chambers where I flail around for your twisted amusement!
Brad: AHhhhhh.
Brad: ok
Brad: See, I was under the impression that's what we were doing
Shay: So, I'm sorry... I'm breaking up the band
Brad: What? No!!!
Shay: I'm sorry... Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventures are on hold... indefinitely
Brad: Wait no no no
Shay: Sorry man, just... sorry
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay come back
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay?

TO BE CONTINUED