First-Person Adventure

Shay:       if you like platformers, especially hard platformers
Shay:       play Super Meat Boy
Shay:       just an FYI
Brad:   Your mom likes to play super meatboy, but it's not a platformer
Shay:       it's not hard either.
Brad:   ohsnap
Brad:   I see what you did there.com
Brad:   wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Brad:   oops
Brad:   I was pressing W to go forward
Brad:   .... in this chat window.  Doesn't work
Shay:       You are in a grassy meadow. You are holding a wooden pickaxe. There is a cube sun in the sky above you. Before you is tree, a pig, and an infinite plane of random mountains.
Brad:   dig hole
Brad:   in pig
Shay:    don't understand "dig". or "in".
Brad:   harvest sweet sweet bacon
Shay:    don't understand "harvest"
Brad:   taste bacon
Shay:    don't understand "taste"
Brad:   load bacon
Shay:    don't understand "load". HINT: This game only accepts standard FPS commands.
Brad:   right click
Shay:    you hit the pig with your pickaxe. it squeals and dies. bacon lies directly before you.
Brad:   left click
Shay:    you collect the bacon.
Shay:    the cubic sun moves slightly lower towards the horizon
Brad:   w
Shay:    you move 1 foot north.
Brad:   wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Shay:    you move 5 feet north. a tree is now before you
Brad:   ddddwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwddddwwwaawwwssssss
Brad:   spacebar
Brad:   sssssssssssssssa
Shay:    you move 4 ft east, 15 ft north, 4 more ft east, and jump off a mountain
Shay:    you have died
Shay:    the cubist sun sinks a bit lower.
Brad:   esc
Shay:    select option: respawn, adjust sound, adjust graphics, load new level, load multiplayer
Brad:   X
Shay:    nothing happens.
Brad:   ctrl alt del
Shay:    here are your running processes: GTalk.exe, IQpierce.exe, Photoshop.exe
Brad:   iqpierce.exe
Shay:    what do you want to do to IQpierce.exe?
Brad:   kill process
Shay is now offline.
Brad: Shay?
Shay is currently offline. Your messages will not be received.
Brad: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
Shay is currently offline. Your messages will not be received.

The Gravy Yard

Shay: I wonder if people at the state fair have made friend creamed corn.
Brad: ...
Shay: fried creamed corn
Shay: not friend
Brad: yes
Shay: that n makes a big difference.
Brad: hahah yes it does
Shay: could be good though
Brad: I tell you, my idea of a chain of fastfood joints that only sell fair food is one of my better ideas
Brad: it would make million
Shay: I don't think most people want that year round, also remember that people successfully sued McDonalds for a lot of money
Brad: those two things aren't related
Brad: NONSEQUITUR
Shay: your customers will all die
Brad: but I will have all their sweet sweet cash
Brad: now THAT is the best slogan I have ever heard
Brad: "Welcome to Fair Food. Our customers will all die."
Shay: It's the new "I'm Lovin' It".
Brad: "I'm Dyin from it"
Shay: haha
Shay: "I'm Luggin' It"
Brad: The kids behind the counter have to wear grim reaper outfits
Shay: so the people sitting behind me are now talking about fried butter from the fair
Shay: this is weird
Shay: totally a coincidence, I didn't incite this conversation at all.
Brad: it is the shining
Shay: now they devised something called a "Meat Pillow"
Shay: which would have "Beef Curtains" on the side... and now their conversation is officially out of HR-approved territory
Brad: This is almost as good as my mall foodcourt restaurant idea
Brad: The GravyYard
Brad: it's a halloween themed condiment kiosk.
Shay: well you can combine these man
Shay: call your fair food restaurant The Gravy Yard; have them also serve gravy-heavy items, and wear grim reaper outfits
Shay: and use the slogan "Die Happy."
Shay: I think we have a solid concept here.
Brad: ...Fried Gravy
Brad: OMF'nG FRIED GRAVY
Shay: oh man
Shay: all right you have to make that now, and release it at the fair, and WIN THE FAIR.
Shay: man
Shay: my mouth is watering right now
Brad: You dip your fried gravy in buckets of steak
Shay: hahahahahaha
Brad: or, meatbuckets
Shay: steak sauce
Shay: ...sauce made of pureed steak!
Brad: You must now salivate
Shay: Oh I'm there
Brad: ...fried gravy.
Shay: it's genius, Brad.
Brad: I am a ninja of nom

X-Men Onited

Brad: one of the guys at lunch was nicknamed "fingers"
Brad: An animator
Shay: hmm
Brad: I don't know what.
Shay: they're these things on the end of your handstumps
Brad: why
Shay: that's what.
Shay: I don't know why we have them though, they just get chopped off
Shay: no matter what I do
Brad: what if your fingers grew like beaverteeth? And you were always having to gnaw the ends off
Shay: I think they do
Brad: oh, fingernails, right
Shay: you have those right?
Brad: somewhat
Shay: ...
Brad: but they're metal, like in that movie
Shay: X-Men 3?
Brad: and my blood is acid
Brad: no
Brad: alien resurrection
Shay: oh, right
Brad: They didn't even make an X-men 3
Shay: yes they did
Brad: so who's to say? there could be metalfingernailman in that movie
Shay: there was an angel in it, and some naked chick
Brad: that's #2
Shay: I was thinking of X-Men 2, it had a metalfingerwoman in it
Brad: xmen united
Brad: that's the wolverine movie
Brad: completely different
Shay: you either totally have these movies confused, or are trying to confuse me
Brad: Looks like it's time to prove you wrong again
Shay: in #2 Wolverine fights another admantium chick, she has long fingernails like his claws
Shay: in #3 there's the angel guy and the kid who robs people of their powers
Shay: and I've never seen the Wolverine movie but the girl with fingernails... probably isn't in it
Shay: Liev Schreiber is though, everyone told me I look exactly like him in that movie
Brad: In #2, there's an onion monster with a thirst for liquid blood, and in #3, they take a trip to the merry christmas.
Shay: hahaha
Shay: why specify liquid blood?
Brad: I didn't write it
Shay: hahahahahaha

Meat a?

Brad suggested, as he often does, that I am incorrect in pronouncing the prefix "meta" as "MAY-ta".

Shay: http://www.htmlcodetutorial.com/document/index_tagsupp_14.html
Shay: "It turns out there are three common pronunciations: METT-uh, MAY-tuh, and MEE-tuh. Interestingly, many people feel that "their" way is the "right way" (that's human nature for you) and have never heard anyone pronounce it differently. In the end, any of the three is as correct as the others."
Shay: see, everyone is equally right
Shay: except the people saying MEE-tuh, who are clearly idiots.
Shay: or just hungry
Shay: ...for meat.
Brad: That's like how the indians had the perception that their god was a wolf who turned into an indian.
Shay: not really though
Brad: Shay, it's the fact that perception taints reality
Brad: If you observe an indian, it dies.
Brad: It's the heisenberg uncertainty principle
Shay: also I think this mythology you're quoting is from Twilight
Shay: except for the quantum mechanics part.
Brad: I haven't ever seen the movie twilight
Brad: If you pass an indian through a bose-einstein condensate, you can slow down light enough to sparkle a vampire.
Shay: now it all makes sense.

Adventure #-1: Adventure Textellent Shay's and Brad

Brad: Score 1,300
Shay: Yay!
Brad: Achievements unlocked - 8
Brad: LEVEL UP
Shay: I'm so good at this!
Shay: What am I doing?
Brad: You have died
Shay: :O
Brad: You are being eaten by slugs
Shay: my corpse stands up
Brad: You have fallen into a pit of slugs
Shay: my corpse is clumsy.
Brad: Don't understand "backwards"
Shay: ......so this is running backwards?
Brad: To the East is PIT O SLUGS To the West is ALCATRAZ to the North is Magic Kingdom
Shay: look
Brad: You have: Seven dwarven charms, A talisman of eternal seepage, MAGIC ROPE
Shay: eat pineapple upside-down cake; i
Brad: The Pineapple Upside Down Cake has cornered you in the hall of mirrors. It will serve you riddles until your mind breaks. You may not survive.
Shay: e
Brad: You have crossed the river to the east. Further east is the HALL OF MIRRORS. An aged sign says "Beware of Pineapple Upside Down Cake"
Shay: take talisman of internal inconsistency; e
Brad: You have shunned his people for the last time. The leprechaun haberdasher offers you a talisman of internal incontinence.
Shay: shun leprechauns
Brad: You have defeated the evil slug overlord. The leprechaun people have been freed, but at a heavy cost. Your now loyal subjects pledge their undying loyalty and as many wishes as you can use in your lifetime.
Shay: wait!
Brad: Offended, the evil Slug Overlord lunges at you with tentacles and howitzer legs,, certain doom is upon you as you remember what your uncle once told you about evil slug overlords. "You gotta just wait for them to trip on their shoelaces. They never tie their shoes"
Shay: man.. this is kinda painful...
Brad: The slug overlord offers you a dainty cake made of leavened bread and frosting as a symbol of peace and friendship. "I am sure this will ease your pain."
Brad: Don't understand "confused "
Shay: ... I'm confused by all this, but at least I know I'm not going to die at the end!
Brad: Invalid name. You have died. Your corpse is resurrected in the oppressed leprechaun village. The slug overlord gazes upon you in a threatening way. He stoops down and offers you a plate of something tasty.
Shay: what
Brad: CHOOSE NAME
Shay: am I alive?
Shay: ????
Brad: INSERT QUESTION MARKS
Brad: WELCOME TO LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE
Shay: you hurt my head sometimes, Brad.
Brad: It's what I do

(If you want to read this adventure in reverse order, here go just.)

Non-Chigger Bugs

Brad: I solved my lightsaber switch problem
Shay: what was the problem?
Brad: there wasn't a switch.
Shay: haha
Shay: that is a problem
Shay: sometimes I think that, in game development, we shouldn't have both task management software and a bug tracker
Shay: we should just have a bug tracker... and one top-priority bug that is, "Game doesn't work."
Brad: I once added "Marshall must wash brad's truck" to the deliverables list to be submitted to the publisher
Brad: it got approved and sent back
Brad: Marshall never did wash my truck
Shay: haha
Shay: I once opened a bug that said: "BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR", and assigned it to Seth.
Brad: bwaha
Shay: Oh, and after Star Wars: Episode 2 came out, I opened a bug titled "C-3P0 Doesn't Remember the Homestead"
Brad: Hahaha
Shay: Details: "In Episode II, we see C-3PO at the Lars Family homestead on Tatooine. In Episode IV he returns to it and seems to have no memory of it. You need to resolve this." Assigned to Seth.
Shay: There was a lot of discussion and theorizing on the bug.
Shay: 2 years later, after Episode III came out and they wiped C-3P0's memory at the end of it, I closed the bug.
Brad: What were the repro steps?
Shay: 1. watch episode II; 2. watch episode IV; 3. ???; 4. profit!
Shay: there may have been a step missing there.
Brad: The step where Lucas goes slowly insane for Ewoks?
Shay: heh

Out of honks [feat. Marshall]

Brad: It is.... friday. Did you get your chicken wings?
Brad: They had a trough of them here at work.
Brad: Prolly a thousand wings. To eat.
Marshall: no. I had chipotle with the boss instead
Brad: Bruce Springsteen?
Marshall: that would have been cool
Marshall: Except I'd be buggin him the whole time to sing me some "BORNNNN IN THE USAAAA"
Marshall: and while he was doin that I'd go through his stuff
Brad: You'd think eventually he'd just not be able to anymore.
Marshall: yeah I think that happens to all of us
Brad: Much like the horn in my truck stopped working. It was just... out of honks after 10 years.
Marshall: haha
Marshall: you spent em all
Marshall: I'm savin mine
Brad: They're an investment
Brad: I need to buy more honks.
Marshall: hahah
Brad: Act now while there's still time, 100 honks for you and friends!
Marshall Womack: i hate acting
Brad: Acting?
Brad: Like, in a play?
Brad: or like "I didn't just eat the last pile of spaghetti"
Marshall: yes.
Marshall: no.
Marshall: you've asked me to "act now"
Marshall: and I wont
Brad: Oh
Brad: You're trying to beat me at my own literal game. Touche.

Ambiguity

Shay: http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/6950/
Shay: of course guys at work have just been doing this using lego pieces
Shay: they have a nice Shy Guy from SMB2, and a little Mario from SMB1
Brad: That's cool
Brad: I have a ton of legos.. I should make some vintage chars.
Shay: make mega man, and quick man
Brad: I think I'll take my time with it
Brad: I don't like getting in a hurry
Shay: hahahahahaha

On a warm summer's evening, on a train bound for THE FUTURE

Shay: you know I can't ignore a challenge
Shay: that's why I get totally addicted to games
Brad: I challenge you to lick the sun.
Shay: I'll be right back
Sent at 3:26 PM on Wednesday
Brad: Shay?
Sent at 3:39 PM on Wednesday
Brad: ok, stop trying to lick the sun. it is impossible
Shay: give me a minute or two more
Brad: No, the time has come to lock S foils in attack position.
Shay: if S stands for Sunlicker, I agree.
Brad: Sunlicker.
Brad: Good band name
Shay: yeah
Brad: How bout this: KENNY ROGERS PRESENTS
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CLAW 2
Brad: INSERT POKER
Shay: I...
Shay: .......how did you know I love Kenny Rogers...
Brad: I read your file.
Shay: if I play this game, will I actually get to...
Shay: 1) do something
Shay: 2) meet Kenny Rogers?
Shay: 3) LICK Kenny Rogers?
Brad: 1)yes, 2)no
Brad: 3)
Brad: MAYBE
Shay: ...
Shay: open fireplace; take poker; insert poker
Brad: You insert poker deep into your chest, YOU HAVE DIED
Shay: !
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CURSE IS UPON YE
Shay: look gambler
Brad: Somewhere in the distance, the gambler, he broke even.
Brad: Score 12.
Brad: KENNY ROGERS LICKED: 0
Brad: You did earn one credit if you want to play again
Shay: ...what's the high score on number of Kenny Rogers licked?
Brad: MONKETBOY has achieved 1,439 LICKS
Shay: ...
Shay: insert credit
Brad: CREDIT DENIED
Shay: ...
Brad: Ellipsis Accepted as credit.
Shay: what
Brad: You have ONE LIFE TO LIVE
Shay: sweet
Brad: YOU MUST CHOOSE - ALL MY CHILDREN's HOSPITAL, REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS, MILLENIUM FALCON CREST
Shay: which one of these has kenny
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR: Don't understand KENNY
Shay: which one of these has
Brad: REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS
Shay: weird parser.
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED SECRET LEVEL
Shay: look
Brad: You are in VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL.
Brad: To the NORTH is FOOD COURT
Brad: To the SOUTH is DAINTY OBJECTS
Brad: To the WEST is SLEEPY HOBO
Brad: To the OTHER WEST is CASH REGISTER
Shay: go north; look kenny rogers' roasters
Brad: You enter the FOOD COURT. The BURGER KING resides on his THRONE. The loyal subjects dance for his pleasures. You inquire as to the whereabouts of KENNY ROASTER. No one knows how to speak your language.
Shay: look throne
Brad: THE BURGER KING resides on it. It is constructed of vinyl LPs and yeti pelts. On the floor is a UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying: KENNY ROGERS, A LOCKED ANTI LICKING FACEMASK, a FLASHLIGHT, PIPE CLEANERS.
Shay: !
Brad: You empty your inventory on the ground.
Brad: Except for your facemask.
Shay: upside-down i?
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR
Shay: look kenny rogers
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has been malnourished and beaten unconscious. He wears a beaver suit, and may have at one time been GAMBLING.
Shay: take translator, ask burger king to feed beloved kenny
Shay: ...also lick kenny
Brad: You take the Translator, and communicate your desires to feed KENNY ROGERS. The Fiefdom of Fast Food furnishes French Fries and Fudge. You are unable to LICK KENNY.
Shay: look mask
Brad: Your mask is on you, it's difficult to look at it, though you feel as if ALL LICKING MANEUVRES HAVE BEEN HAMPRED BY YON METAL MASK. KENNY ROGERS seems to be recovering.
Shay: go south
Brad: You venture SOUTH to VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL. A sleeping HOBO lounges at the doorway.
Shay: look hobo
Brad: HE SLEEPS!!!! He seems to have a KEYRING in his pocket amidst the half eaten CINNABONS crammed into every pocket he claims in his pocketdom.
Shay: take keyring, cinnabons
Brad: You begin to remove the KEYRING from HOBO. He awakens and asks you what you are doing.
Shay: explain that I am taking a keyring from him in hopes that it will unlock the facemask that prevents me from achieving my inexplicable lifelong dream of licking kenny rogers
Brad: DON"T UNDERSTAND "THAT"
Brad: GRAMMER FOUL! -14 points
Shay: kill hobo
Brad: You wrench the life from the poor HOBO. His keys and cinnabons fall about the bloodstained corpse.
Shay: loot hobo
Shay: take wrench
Brad: HOBO contains: Entrails, HOBO PELT, LETTER signed K.R., Keys, Cinnabons.
Shay: read letter
Brad: The Letter reads: Dear Brother Fred, I hate to hear you're down on your luck. Hopefully as you wander the plains and malls, you'll find yourself out there. I do know one thing, we Rogers' are always longing for Cinnabons. I know you took a bad turn when you lost your TV show, but I am here to tell you the public loves you. Take care of yourself, and keep these keys. There will be a man come one day, wild haired old scientist, or a boy, asking about this almanac. That day comes, you shoot him.
Brad: Love, Kenny.
Brad: REALIZATION UNLOCKED
Shay: weep over corpse of Mr. Rogers
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED :GAMERTAG: WINTER OF DISCONTENT - Kill Mr. Rogers
Brad: HONOR -122
Shay: take keys, cinnabons, wrench
Brad: Don't Understand WRENCH
Shay: n
Brad: You approach the FOOD COURT
Brad: THE BURGER KING has fallen asleep, your Inventory remains on the floor. KENNY ROGERS is awakening
Shay: use keys on mask
Brad: You scrape the mask with the keys until it falls apart from extreme scratching.
Brad: MINUS 18 POINTS - DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY
Shay: ask kenny about licking
Brad: KENNY says you have to KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM.
Shay: and?
Brad: AND WHEN TO FOLD EM
Brad: When to walk away...
Shay: what about licking?
Brad: AND WHEN TO HAVE SKIN THAT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS ROTISSERIE CHICKEN
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has gone insane
Shay: lick kenny
Brad: You like kenny.
Shay: ...LICK kenny
Brad: Don't understand ...L
Shay: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE
Brad: Rage points +12
Brad: KENNY ROGERS levels a pistol at you. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME BACK HERE, BOY.
Brad: NOW GO BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Brad: KENNY ROGERS Kills you
Shay: KENNY ROGERS IS NOT IN BACK TO THE FUTURE
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR -
Shay: WHY ARE WE YELLING
Brad: KENNY ROGERSES LICKED - 0
Brad: Score - 9
Brad: Yelling bonus - 19
Brad: Total Score - Green.
Shay: ...All right that was pretty good

The Leavingening, Part 5

Brad: This is the best game I have ever seen
Brad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MqvIHxkQo
Shay: never played it, but heard about it
Brad: You heard about a game called seaman about a snarky anthropomorphised bass?
Shay: yeah, I thought everyone knew about this game
Shay: pretty sure it was a launch title for dreamcast
Brad: More like nightmarecast
Shay: it's so weird
Brad: That thing is creepypalooza
Shay: yeah
Shay: it's like that psychologist game
Brad: Oh, super Freud brothers?
Brad: Where you psychoanalyze yourself as a clone twin while rescuing your mother from a post-hypnotic couch?
Shay: http://www.manifestation.com/neurotoys/eliza.php3
Shay: Eliza
Brad: I see.
Shay: Don't you even say Hello?
Brad: Yes, now you are eaten by chiggers.
Brad: Shay -1200
Brad: Achievements unlocked - Eliza Says Hi
Shay: WE ARE NOT PLAYING A GAME
Brad: Unicorn droppings recovered - 14
Brad: PLEASE INSERT COIN
Shay is now offline
Brad: Dang
This user isn't online!

The Leavingening, Part 4

Brad: Do you have red dead redemption?
Shay: nope
Shay: I don't have time for games
Brad: Do you have time to play : : DAWSON'S CREEK MASSACRE : :
Brad: ?
Shay: ...okay that actually sounds kinda fun
Shay: BUT I will not be tempted! you're just going to screw with my head and then kill me without letting me do anything!
Brad: No.
Brad: i... wont
Shay: you're lying.
Brad: CURSES
Brad: >>>poof<<<

The Leavingening, Part 3

Brad: Would you like to play
::: DUNGEONS AND DUNGEONS :::
:::HERE THERE BE NO DRAGONS::
:: INSERT DRAGONS :::
Shay: I'm good, thanks.
Brad: How bout ::::: SMALL WONDER HOME REPAIR SET ::::
Shay: ...

The Leavingening, Part 2

Shay: you feel asleep.
Brad: I do feel asleep
Shay: uh oh, the truck have started to move!
Shay: such a good game
Brad: what game
Shay: Metal Gear
Shay: for the NES
Brad: pff
Brad: never played it
Shay: we played it with my next-door-neighbor many many days
Brad: Did you use your mouth?
Shay: ...no
Brad: Will you play :::: NIGHT GOLF MOUTH EDITION?:::: INSERT TOKEN
Shay: ..........no.
Brad: What about :::GANDALF COOKING CHAMPION::::
Brad: INSERT TOLKIEN
Shay: ...I'm allergic to eating wizard.
Shay: ...Just... stop man
Shay: you're not going to bring it back

The Leavingening

Brad: :::::: KILLTRON the UNICORN::::::
:::::::: a Bradleycorp game© :::::::::
:::::::: INSERT COIN :::::::::::
Shay: /me inserts a penny
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: /me inserts a sovereign
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: The sovereign was a king.
Brad: YOUR CREDIT SCORE IS TOO LOW TO PLAY THIS GAME
Brad: Check Equifax for your free credit report
Brad: CHOOSE CREDIT OR DEBIT
Shay: /me makes out a check for $800 and inserts it.
Brad: :::VERIFYING FUNDS::::
Brad: COngratulations! You have donated $2,301 to the Friends of BP Rotary club.
Shay: /me hits ESC furiously
Brad: Your name will appear on the plaque set adrift at sea in honor of BP and its illustrious drilling campaign
Brad: PLEASE CHOOSE SEAGULL ANGER
Shay: unicorn
Brad: SYNTAZ EROR.
Brad: You are adrift at sea. There is oil to the W. To the east is OIL
Brad: to the north is THE AMERICA
Brad: to the south is ROBOCUBA
Shay: look oil
Brad: You cast your gaze towards the glistening black slick approaching your vessel. It is from the depths unknown, and seems to have a mind of its own
Shay: i
Brad: You have in your unicorn pockets: Unicorn balm, a satchel full of thousands of dollars, a shovel
Shay: look boat
Brad: Your small seagoing craft is small, made of rubber, it resembles a donut. It's probably an innertube. Complete with patch on side.
Shay: paddle north
Brad: You use your shovel to paddle north, leaving the incoming oil slick to wave at you, sadly, as though you had never met. You were like two hummingbirds, who also never met. You come to an invisible wall, as if the game designers didn't put pathfinding polys here. You see a badly mapped texture, and wonder what environment artist built out this level.
Shay: look texture
Brad: It is a poorly mapped TGA of water. This section doesn't tile well. Next to it you see a periscope looking at you.
Shay: look periscope
Brad: it looks at you
Shay: wink at periscope
Shay: suggestively
Brad: the periscope winks back, and suddenly your craft is lifted high out of the water by ROBOMARINE, an inhabitant of ROBOCUBA. You and ROBOMARINE( a giant robot submarine) have now agreed to a first date in his homeland of ROBOCUBA. and are swiftly making your way SOUTH.
Brad: You, being a unicorn, have never had such an honor.
Shay: look robomarine
Brad: ROBOMARINE is a giant nuclear submarine with childlike drawings of unicorns on it. He is making swift his crossing of the ocean, pulling OIL along with him in his vast wake. The friction of the submarine on the water creates many sparks, and soon you both are engulfed in FLAMES.
Shay: enter robomarine, yell "dive"
Brad: You clumsily enter ROBOMARINE. The dank interior hasn't been inhabited since ROBOMARINE gained consciousness and eradicated its crew. the remains still manning their posts. ROBOMARINE dives, with the hatch open.
Brad: Your means of escape quickly becoming a watery tomb
Shay: close hatch
Brad: You manage to close the hatch, but only after ROBOMARINE is half full of water and BURNING OIL.
Shay: apply unicorn salve to burning oil
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND SALVE
Shay: hit burning oil with shovel
Brad: You manage to spread burning oil all over your shovel, and splatter it on the walls, and your face, and the smell of fried unicorn begins to make you hungry. FOR YOURSELF
Brad: THUD
Brad: You and robomarine hit the beach of ROBOCUBA,
Shay: open hatch
Brad: outside, the beach is littered with fire extinguishers and lollipops. the hatch has been MELTED CLOSED
Brad: you are quickly running out of air
Shay: puncture hull with horn
Brad: You breach the hull with your horn. It leaves an air sized hole. The BURNING OIL STILL CLINGING TO YOUR BODY
Brad: The fresh air now makes haste to feed the flames of OIL
Shay: widen hole, escape onto beach
Brad: Don't understand ONTO
Shay: widen hole
Brad: You work with your horn to widen the hole, the more air rushing in, the more BURNING happens. However, you do manage to eventually, boringly, widen t he hole enough to escape ROBOMARINE
Brad: You spill out onto the BEACH
Shay: stop, drop, roll
Brad: You roll around on top of the piles of FIRE EXTINGUISHERS littering the beach. The fire consumes most of your flesh
Shay: use fire extinguisher on self
Brad: You try the extinguisher, they're all EMPTY WHAT A CRUEL JOKE I HAVE PL... um. They do not work.
Shay: i
Brad: You have, A satchel of burned dollars, a shovel, MASSIVE 5thDEGREE BURNS, BURNING OIL, a small magical pendant.
Shay: look pendant
Brad: As you look at your pendant, transfixed by it's beauty, an army of chiggers, summoned to the beach by your frantic flailing on the fire extinguishers, suddenly attack the freshly cooked unicorn meat encasing your self
Shay: use pendant
Brad: You use the PENDANT OF ETERNAL BOWEL OBSTRUCTION!
Shay: all right, that's it
Shay: Brad... I'm not playing your games anymore.
Brad: Why???
Brad: I kept trying to kill you off
Shay: EXACTLY!
Shay: I don't get to do anything! Your games are just elaborate torture chambers where I flail around for your twisted amusement!
Brad: AHhhhhh.
Brad: ok
Brad: See, I was under the impression that's what we were doing
Shay: So, I'm sorry... I'm breaking up the band
Brad: What? No!!!
Shay: I'm sorry... Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventures are on hold... indefinitely
Brad: Wait no no no
Shay: Sorry man, just... sorry
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay come back
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay?

TO BE CONTINUED

Announcing the Snuggler

Shay: hi Brad, how are you doing?
Brad: Oh, doin fine.
Brad: Everytime I see the class "smuggler" anywhere in this game I fight the urge to rename it to "snuggler"
Shay: haha
Shay: oh so you just announced that there's a Smuggler class
Shay: sweet, I'm just gonna email kotaku about that real fast
Brad: That was already announced
Shay: no, you just announced it
Shay: [If I get you to go google for "Smuggler announced", I earn 5 points]
Shay: [If I get you to email the PR department saying "oh crap I think I may have screwed up", I get 25 points]
Brad: 5 points towards what exactly?
Shay: towards my own enjoyment of my life.
Shay: do you remember honkfishing?
Brad: Yes, I do
Shay: I would set off my car alarm remotely when someone was walking past it in the parking lot
Shay: If I got someone to actually jump and startle, I got 20 points
Shay: if someone completely ignored it, I got -5 points
Shay: if someone looked straight towards the office window and gave me the finger, I got -20 points... Billy S. caused me to lose those 20 points once
Shay: and if the victim was a hot realtor chick, I got a x2 modifier!
Brad: Again, towards what end?
Brad: I think your habit of arbitrarily awarding yourself "points" is a indicator of a deep-seated need to "program" your own life, somehow realizing a self determined destiny.
Shay: I like making games, and playing games
Shay: everyone makes games though
Brad: Not everyone
Shay: when they're children they do. when they grow up they die inside.
Brad: I don't think so
Shay: "Okay you're the robber and I'm the cop, but this is the jail here, but that's RobberLand over in Mrs. McCreedy's yard and that's the safe zone for you..."
Brad: Who is Mrs. McCreedy?
Shay: she had good cookies.
Brad: she sounds like a predator
Shay: well, she was a raptor actually.
Shay: but still... good cookies
Brad: Does she lure the children there with candies and gifts?
Shay: raptor gifts
Shay: mostly eggs
Brad: Raptors in the Kitchen - best band name ever
Brad: from Jurassic park
Shay: good one
Brad: Also, Tractordactyl
Shay: if you and I ever start a game company together, it will be Tractordactyl Games.
Brad: I can see the logo now
Shay: I see it too.
Shay: the logo will be a radish.
Brad: You are looking the wrong way
Brad: Also get out of my mind.
Shay: sorry, I'm radishhungry.
Brad: Is that like rabies, or the zombie?

[At this point Shay's mouth opened slightly and uttered a syllable that sounded like "wha". This was followed by his head exploding, leaving the conversation unfinished.]

Adventure #22: Contact Your Administrator

Brad: :::::::::::::SELECT CHARACTER NAME::::::::::::::
Shay: Jimmijon
Brad: SELECT FONT: A)Arial B)Comic Sans C) FIXEDSYS
Shay: D) wingdings
Brad: SECRET LEVEL UNLICKED
Brad: You have entered the caverns of the Wingding tribe
Brad: To the NORTH is the King of the Wingdings, Bing. To the SOUTH is HELVETICATROPOLIS, a nation of evil cyborganisms. To the EAST is a WALGREENS. To the WEST is ABANDONED SUBMARINE
Shay: n
Brad: As you approach his highnessness King Bing of the WINGDINGS, you notice his chiseled edges, glistening in the sun. The myriad array of pixels that make up his shape are succulent to your eyeholes. He regards you with wonder. "Wharf Manner of roundish creature are thee, o, pasty one?"
Shay: say "I am what I am, which is to say, a yam named Jimmijon."
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND " " "
Brad: The king grows weary of your silence.
Shay: say hello
Brad: As you greet the King, suddenly a fervor erupts to the SOUTH. "O Noes!" Screams the King. "The helveticans are attacking!" Do you A) Help resist the onslaught of sans serrif scumbags, or 2) Turn against your new king and help overthrow the peace loving WINGDINGS?
Shay: A!
Brad: You grab the king's trusty SOLIDTILTEDARROWSWORD named Claire, and vault into battle to the SOUTH. You are met by EDGAR THE MOST SQUARE, of the Helvetician army.
Shay: challenge edgar
Brad: "Your serrif will be truncated, pasty one" he says, as he swings aloft his mighty UMLAUT, an axe of such horror and curly pointy bits that most air particles try to avoid it.
Brad: Do you A) Duck, B)Allow it to penetrate your body, sacrificing yourself for the good of the WINGDINGS, C)Dance a mighty jig, D)Save progress?
Shay: D
Brad: As you are reaching for the save key, EDGAR THE MOST SQUARE delivers a seriffshattering blow to your extruded bits. You have been rendered SQUARISH.
Brad: at your feet lay BITS
Shay: say I am not squarsh, i am yam
Brad: Syntax Error. Don't understand Shay:
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ROOTKIT VIRUS!
Brad: :::::::::::::DELETING HARDDRIVE
Brad: ::::::::::::::DELETING MONITOR
Brad: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DELETING PLAYER 1
Shay: ctrl alt delete
Brad: As the rootkit virus crawls up your "computerin' hands" to erase you from existence, you decide that pouring those nanobots into your computer's disk drive was a bad idea.
Brad: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DELETING LIFE
Brad: You have died.
Brad: Score 147
Shay: reload game
Brad: STACK DUMP
Brad: BLUESCREEN
Brad: PLEASE CONTACT YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR
Shay: hey Brad
Brad: yeah
Shay: your game gave me a bluescreen
Brad: Hm, really?
Shay: what should I do?
Shay: also I think it killed me
Brad: Oh yeah, it prolly did that.
Brad: Hm
Brad: Oh, did you try to reload it after you were dead, and after it deleted itself?
Shay: uh, well I was dead at the time so my memory isn't really very clear, but that sounds right.
Shay: I also may have hit ctrl alt delete at some point, but it may be after I didn't have hands, so...
Brad: Yeah, you can't do that. At that point it doesn't exist, and you're a ghost. And being a ghost, you can't access games that don't exist
Shay: oh okay. so am I still a ghost then?
Brad: Pretty much, yes
Shay: that would explain why I can't see myself in a mirror, and why I'm so cold.
Brad: see that pile of nanobots eatin what is left of you?
Shay: right right, okay.
Brad: yeah.
Shay: it's all coming together now
Brad: well, no, it's decomposing actually.
Shay: but it said to contact my system administrator and he would fix it
Brad: That would be me, buuut...
[Long pause]
Shay: you're asking for a hauntening here
Shay: don't think I won't do it.
Brad: Ok, lets do this. I'll try reforming your body from nanobots, using,,, a picture of.... Joe Piscopo
Shay: all right, there's one in the wallet of my corpse so this should be pretty quick
Brad: there, now you may reanimate yourself.
Shay: oh, you had the photo, never mind.
Brad: sigh
Shay: all right so I'll just jump into my body now.
Shay: I AM REBORN IN FLESH
Brad: NOOOOOOOO
Shay: IN THIS HOUR I WALK THE EARTH YET AGAIN
Shay: IT'S AWESOME. THANKS BRAD!
Brad: enjoy feelings
Shay: NOW CAN YOU HELP ME TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?
Brad: no, that's on by design
Shay: ALSO I NOTICED THAT WHENEVER I TALK, I SCREAM
Brad: That's a new feature
Brad: to help with the almost deaf
Shay: AND ALSO THERE ARE OTHER SCREAMING VOICES COMING OUT OF MY THROAT THAT ARE NOT MY OWN
Brad: Those are the nanobots. They finally have a way to voice their dissatisfaction about the winter olympics results. They're pretty fanatical about that.
Shay: OH OKAY. AND WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY HANDS ARE CRIMSON FOUNTAINS OF SUPERNATURAL ENERGY?
Brad: That's to be expected, terrify two village children and call me in the morning.
Shay: ALREADY ON TOP IF IT. THANKS MAN
Brad: Your m......
Shay emits a beam of pure energy from his half-ghostly arms that fills your nasal passages with a burning sensation such as you've never known
Shay: NO MORE "YOUR MOM" JOKES, BRAD. OR YOU GET A HAUNTENING.
Brad: Owie
Shay: all right let's end it there
Shay: ...possibly before.
Brad: possibly before we started

Band Names.

Brad: You know what reminds me of our conversations? "Between two ferns"
Shay: haha, yeah I've watched most of those
Brad: those are good
Brad: I am not sure which one is you.
Shay: I'm Andy Dick
Shay: typing loudly on an iPhone
Brad: that was carrot top
Brad: So yes. You're carrot top
Shay: yay
Brad: How does it feel to be carrot top?
Shay: it feels orange
Brad: is your middle name honeybaked?
Shay: Carrot Honeybaked Top?
Brad: sigh
Shay: I want to start a band
Brad: Rubber, or musical?
Shay: ...called Cookie Cookie Puddin' and Pie
Shay: musical.
Brad: Cause a rubber band called that is not great
Brad: I think a good band name would be racecar
Shay: all lower caps?
Brad: no, that's a bad band name.
Shay: Flaming Midget Research
Brad: Half Of.
Shay: Name.
Brad: now you're thinking
Brad: criscofist
Shay: Salivating Draculas.
Brad: weaselpowder
Shay: Kryptonite Crucifix
Brad: canadian shoe
Brad: Polish Army
Shay: Massive Bear Damage
Brad: Stringled
Brad: Taste three
Shay: DeathDeth
Brad: taco hat
Brad: red mandrake
Shay: Hi Falutin and the Burrito Terrorists
Brad: Live in Concert
Shay: ahahahahahaha
Brad: puppypieces
Shay: Kitten Soup
Brad: Standwich
Shay: Listen To Us
Brad: Generic Band
Shay: Unknown Artist
Brad: It Comes from our Mouths
Shay: Singing Windmills [A They Might Be Giants cover band]
Brad: Passtronomical
Shay: I Be An Retarded
Brad: Dresscue
Brad: you win
Brad: I am done
Brad: But I like Standwich
Shay: I like them all.
Shay: Live In Concert might be my favorite though
Brad: Yeah, that's not a bad one
Brad: it would be hard to announce them
Shay: well their self-titled debut album would also be their live album
Brad: and when they're on tour,,, mass confusion
Shay: or, maybe their live album would later have the same name as their self-titled debut album?
Brad: by the time the music industry figures it out, they've already had their VH1 Where are they now special
Shay: hahaha

A different number.

Brad: #62

[long pause]

Brad: you there, with pants
Shay: who are you talking to?
Brad: I assume you have pants
Brad: Perhaps not
Shay: you know what happens when you assume
Shay: ...I take off my pants.
Brad: I ... no.
Brad: Catacombs is at #61
IQpierce: was that the number you sent me earlier?
Brad: No, that was a different number
Shay: that was the number of cheese monkeys?
Brad: that was #62
Brad: #61 is one less
Brad: I wish I had a cheesemonkey
Brad: I want a snack
Shay: me too. so that's awesome, I bet it's rising fast now that it's featured by Apple
Shay: I've heard that's a huge deal
Brad: bigtime
Brad: like, it wasn't in the top 100 yesterday
Shay: wow
Brad: It is the gentle gaze of favor from apple
Shay: I like the flavor of apples.
Brad: In soviet russia, you are ground up into paste and fed to pirates
Shay: ahahahahaha
Shay: all right go post this entire conversation on the blog.
Shay: just the pants onwards
Brad: no, the pants downwards
Shay does a rimshot on his sweet drum set
Shay: man that sounds kinda wrong.
Brad: it must be out of tune
Shay: haha

Adventure #21: Confusion in the Arcade

Brad: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Brad: ::::::::::::::::FANTASY STORY:::::::::::::
Brad: ::::::::INSERT COIN::::::::::::::::::
Shay: insert coin
Brad: :::::::::::Insufficient funds:::::::::::::::
Shay yells NOOO!
Shay inserts another coin
Brad: :::::::::::: Credit one play :::::::::::::::
Shay says "sweet."
Brad: Choose Character - RUFFIAN, MURDERSHOES, DUCKBILLED PLESIOSAURUS
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: ENTER NAME ___________________
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: Welcome, RUFFIAN RUFFIAN, Select character class. MAGE, GYPSY, COMMUNISM
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: RUFFIAN Character class requires addional DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT: INSERT COIN
Shay inserts a coin
Brad: ACHIVEMENT UNLOCKED: McGullibleCoingiver
Brad: RUFFIAN RUFFIAN, the famed RUFFIAN will now descend into the depths of MAULCLORTH ISLAND DUNGEON SPACE STATION.
Shay: oh awesome!
Brad: Your quest begins in .... INSERT COIN TO CONTINUE.....
Shay: aw man!
Shay goes to beg his parents for more money
Brad: 10
Brad: 9
Brad: 8
Brad: 7
Brad: 6
Brad: 5
Shay whines loudly
Brad: 4
Brad: 3
Shay inserts coin
Brad: 2
Brad: ...... .. ............... loading
Shay: whew!
Brad: You have been captured by PIRATE CRIPPLERS. And placed in the BRIG. There is a shaven elk, a three legged stool, a lot of hay on the ground, and the sound of cowbell in the DISTANCE
Shay: say "Arrrrg yer varments ! feer me i am theRUFFIAN
Brad: Don't understand FEER.
Shay: pet elk
Brad: The elk returns the favor, slowly
Brad: you have befriended elk. +14 points
Shay: look brig
Brad: You are deep with in a BRIG. The weathered wooden walls, and barrier between you and ELK seem roughly hewn. A covering of STRAW AND HAY covers the dirt floors. You see one end of BRIG is used to store FEED AND SUPPLIES
Shay: give hay to elk
Shay says "this is so sweet"
Brad: The ELK returns the favor, slowly
Shay: pul out swurd
Brad: You pull out your swurd. It is an elegant swurd. Covered in honey, and very spongy. You hear a COWBELL in the DISTANCE
Shay: brek out of jail with swurd
Brad: Don't understand JAIL
Brad: Or Brek
Brad: Or Swurd for that matter
Brad: -47 points
Shay: BREAK out of BRIG with swurd
Brad: -12 points
Shay says "What? This thing is grading me!!!"
Shay: BREAK out of BRIG with SWORD
Shay says "Stupid thing."
Brad: You hold your SWORD high aloft, as you walk out of the BRIG through the wooden door next to the HAY AND FEED. A tractor trundles by as you realize the BRIG was nothing more than OLD MAN CRABTREE'S BARN. You have been TRIPPING
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!
Brad: LSDEEZ NUTS
Shay says "Whoa, this thing just blew my mind."
Shay: look
Brad: You are standing in a FARM. BARN is to the WEST. FARMHOUSE is to the EAST. To the NORTH is CORNFIELD OF DELIGHT. To the South is COWBELL's R US.
Shay: e
Shay says "I'm going to kill someone with this sword yet."
Brad: You venture forth towards the FARMHOUSE. A sign by the MAILBOX reads "Welcome to OLD MAN CRABTREE'S FARMIN' HOUSE OF FARMIN." At the ground lay a DROID LEG
Shay: look leg
Brad: It is a human leg, connected to your body, shaven on one side, and tatoo'd with various representations of speed limit signs of different regions of the world.
Shay yells "Whoa what? ...Oh wait that's MY leg? Dang this game is CRAZY!"
Shay: look at droid leg
Brad: As you examine the DROID LEG, you realize it's your long lost hallucinated droid sidekick AYNine FONZie's Leg. With a strange SWURD SHAPED HOLE.
Brad: SECRET FOUND!
Brad: ::::DROIDKILLER IS YOU::::::
Brad: -210 honor points
Shay says "What? I didn't even get the fun of killing it!"
Shay: enter farmhouse
Brad: The farmhouse is LOCKED. You hear sirens in the DISTANCE over the cowbell
Shay: hit lock with sword!
Brad: +2 XP
Shay says "Sweet!"
Brad: The LOCK DIES A GUTTERING DEATH. {MURDERCOUNT +1 Total murdercount 289{
Shay says "Whoa whoever played this last murdered a LOT"
Shay says "gotta beat the high score"
Shay: enter farmhouse
Brad: The COWBELL is louder in the farmhouse, as if it's coming through the open windows in the BACK OF THE FARMHOUSE. Sirens seem to be coming closer
Shay: look for victims
Brad: There is a HEADLESS VICTIM missing one LEG in the corner, a smashed BANJO on the table, and you stop your advance as parts of a DROID FACE crunch under your HUMAN FOOT.
Shay: look out windows
Brad: You see police cars entering the driveway near the CORNFIELD. as you look, you notice your REFLECTION.
Brad: You are shocked to see your own HUMAN HEAD attached to a glistening ROBOT BODY.
Brad: SELF REALIZATION UNLOCKED! UR OWN MURDERER!
Shay says "Huh? Wait, what?"
Shay says "Did I MURDER MYSELF? HOLY CRAP!"
Brad: SIRENS getting louder
Shay panics
Shay inserts coin
Brad: :::::::COIN REFUSED::::::::: IDENTITY CONFIRMED:::::::::AUTHORITIES ON WAY:::::
Shay says "WHAT?!!!!?"
Shay: no i am not a murderer i am 13 yrs old
Shay: do not call the polece
Shay: !!
Brad: From outside the FARMHOUSE you hear: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, AYNine FONZie. You are wanted for the MURDER OF SHAY PIERCE
Shay says "What is going on?!? How does this game know my name??"
Shay: throw sword at coppers
Brad: ROBOT HUNTERS and POLICE Surround the house. Your SWORD Is caught by The CHIEF INVESTIGATOR as evidence of your HEINOUS CRIMES.
Shay: shoot coppers with laser eyes
Brad: -2,800 points - EVIDENCE LOST
Brad: Your eyes are human, your head has been transplanted onto the murderer robot. Also your leg. You will be forever punished for crimes you did not commit, but now appear to have committed to the POLICE.
Brad: The AUTHORITIES break down the door and capture you
Shay says "I STILL DON'T GET WHAT IS GOING ON I'M ONLY 13 WHAT IS HAPPENING"
Shay begins tearing up a bit
Brad: As you are being led away to the ROBOT COURT, you hear the semicrushed robot face of AYNine FONZie laughing evilly at you as you pay for his crimes
Shay says "Wait!"
Brad: Game Over
Shay begins crying openly
Brad: Secrets unlocked 14
Shay inserts coin
Brad: Emotional damage +17
Brad: ::::::INSUFFICIENT CREDIT:::::::::