Adventure #22: Contact Your Administrator

Brad: :::::::::::::SELECT CHARACTER NAME::::::::::::::
Shay: Jimmijon
Brad: SELECT FONT: A)Arial B)Comic Sans C) FIXEDSYS
Shay: D) wingdings
Brad: SECRET LEVEL UNLICKED
Brad: You have entered the caverns of the Wingding tribe
Brad: To the NORTH is the King of the Wingdings, Bing. To the SOUTH is HELVETICATROPOLIS, a nation of evil cyborganisms. To the EAST is a WALGREENS. To the WEST is ABANDONED SUBMARINE
Shay: n
Brad: As you approach his highnessness King Bing of the WINGDINGS, you notice his chiseled edges, glistening in the sun. The myriad array of pixels that make up his shape are succulent to your eyeholes. He regards you with wonder. "Wharf Manner of roundish creature are thee, o, pasty one?"
Shay: say "I am what I am, which is to say, a yam named Jimmijon."
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND " " "
Brad: The king grows weary of your silence.
Shay: say hello
Brad: As you greet the King, suddenly a fervor erupts to the SOUTH. "O Noes!" Screams the King. "The helveticans are attacking!" Do you A) Help resist the onslaught of sans serrif scumbags, or 2) Turn against your new king and help overthrow the peace loving WINGDINGS?
Shay: A!
Brad: You grab the king's trusty SOLIDTILTEDARROWSWORD named Claire, and vault into battle to the SOUTH. You are met by EDGAR THE MOST SQUARE, of the Helvetician army.
Shay: challenge edgar
Brad: "Your serrif will be truncated, pasty one" he says, as he swings aloft his mighty UMLAUT, an axe of such horror and curly pointy bits that most air particles try to avoid it.
Brad: Do you A) Duck, B)Allow it to penetrate your body, sacrificing yourself for the good of the WINGDINGS, C)Dance a mighty jig, D)Save progress?
Shay: D
Brad: As you are reaching for the save key, EDGAR THE MOST SQUARE delivers a seriffshattering blow to your extruded bits. You have been rendered SQUARISH.
Brad: at your feet lay BITS
Shay: say I am not squarsh, i am yam
Brad: Syntax Error. Don't understand Shay:
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ROOTKIT VIRUS!
Brad: :::::::::::::DELETING HARDDRIVE
Brad: ::::::::::::::DELETING MONITOR
Brad: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DELETING PLAYER 1
Shay: ctrl alt delete
Brad: As the rootkit virus crawls up your "computerin' hands" to erase you from existence, you decide that pouring those nanobots into your computer's disk drive was a bad idea.
Brad: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DELETING LIFE
Brad: You have died.
Brad: Score 147
Shay: reload game
Brad: STACK DUMP
Brad: BLUESCREEN
Brad: PLEASE CONTACT YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR
Shay: hey Brad
Brad: yeah
Shay: your game gave me a bluescreen
Brad: Hm, really?
Shay: what should I do?
Shay: also I think it killed me
Brad: Oh yeah, it prolly did that.
Brad: Hm
Brad: Oh, did you try to reload it after you were dead, and after it deleted itself?
Shay: uh, well I was dead at the time so my memory isn't really very clear, but that sounds right.
Shay: I also may have hit ctrl alt delete at some point, but it may be after I didn't have hands, so...
Brad: Yeah, you can't do that. At that point it doesn't exist, and you're a ghost. And being a ghost, you can't access games that don't exist
Shay: oh okay. so am I still a ghost then?
Brad: Pretty much, yes
Shay: that would explain why I can't see myself in a mirror, and why I'm so cold.
Brad: see that pile of nanobots eatin what is left of you?
Shay: right right, okay.
Brad: yeah.
Shay: it's all coming together now
Brad: well, no, it's decomposing actually.
Shay: but it said to contact my system administrator and he would fix it
Brad: That would be me, buuut...
[Long pause]
Shay: you're asking for a hauntening here
Shay: don't think I won't do it.
Brad: Ok, lets do this. I'll try reforming your body from nanobots, using,,, a picture of.... Joe Piscopo
Shay: all right, there's one in the wallet of my corpse so this should be pretty quick
Brad: there, now you may reanimate yourself.
Shay: oh, you had the photo, never mind.
Brad: sigh
Shay: all right so I'll just jump into my body now.
Shay: I AM REBORN IN FLESH
Brad: NOOOOOOOO
Shay: IN THIS HOUR I WALK THE EARTH YET AGAIN
Shay: IT'S AWESOME. THANKS BRAD!
Brad: enjoy feelings
Shay: NOW CAN YOU HELP ME TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?
Brad: no, that's on by design
Shay: ALSO I NOTICED THAT WHENEVER I TALK, I SCREAM
Brad: That's a new feature
Brad: to help with the almost deaf
Shay: AND ALSO THERE ARE OTHER SCREAMING VOICES COMING OUT OF MY THROAT THAT ARE NOT MY OWN
Brad: Those are the nanobots. They finally have a way to voice their dissatisfaction about the winter olympics results. They're pretty fanatical about that.
Shay: OH OKAY. AND WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT MY HANDS ARE CRIMSON FOUNTAINS OF SUPERNATURAL ENERGY?
Brad: That's to be expected, terrify two village children and call me in the morning.
Shay: ALREADY ON TOP IF IT. THANKS MAN
Brad: Your m......
Shay emits a beam of pure energy from his half-ghostly arms that fills your nasal passages with a burning sensation such as you've never known
Shay: NO MORE "YOUR MOM" JOKES, BRAD. OR YOU GET A HAUNTENING.
Brad: Owie
Shay: all right let's end it there
Shay: ...possibly before.
Brad: possibly before we started

Adventure #12: The Unbedding (feat. Katie)

Katie: sys32272
Brad: Loading
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. You are part of an archaeological exploration team. You are Deep within the caves below NEW YORK. You are in a large cavern, to the east is an ANCIENT DOOR. To the West is an EXCAVATED TOMB. To the North is a pathway leading up to the surface. To the south is a POOL.
Katie: go east
Brad: You stand before the ANCIENT DOOR. It seems to be locked. You lean against it and hear MASSIVE PURRING. On the floor is a KEY and a NOTE
Katie: read note
Brad: The note says "WARNING DO NOT OPEN DOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Katie: put key in door
Brad: You place the key in the door. A rustling sound beyond stops. Your flashlight dims.
Katie: walk toward sound
Brad: You can't do that.
Katie: check flashlight
Brad: It is a LIGHTOFANTASTICO Flashlight. Batteries may be dying, or it might be a literary device used to foreshadow coming SCARY EVENTS.
Katie: check batteries
Brad: batteries have become SELF AWARE. They drop to the floor ninja style, thankful to you for releasing them from their prison, but wary of your giant feet.
Katie: since you won't let me go where i wanna go west
Brad: Syntax Error
Katie: go west
Katie: you stupid computer
Brad: Syntax Error
Katie: go west
Katie: %^&%^@
Brad: Don't understand
Brad: You leave the door with the key in it, almost unlocked but not quite, and travel West to the EXCAVATED TOMB
Katie: no i don't lock door
Katie: lock door go west
Brad: As you walk away from the NEARLY UNLOCKED DOOR, you hear the rustling behind the door begin again, and UNBELIEVABLE PURRING commence. You walk toward the TOMB.
Katie: enter tomb
Brad: You enter the EXCAVATED TOMB of KING RHODODENDRON. You spy a SARCOPHAGUS shaped like a shoe, a GOLDEN GIRAFFE HAT, and an ancient SWORD OF TANGLES
Katie: pick up sword
Brad: You pick up the SWORD. It is heavy and bent.
Katie: pretend to be King Arthur with sword
Brad: Don't understand 'Arthur'
Katie: unbend sword with blacksmith tools
Brad: You haven't any tools
Katie: yes i do, unbed sword
Brad: You unbed the sword, it is sleepy, and grumpy after a long nap.
Katie: unbend!
Brad: syntax error
Katie: use sword
Brad: You bum $3.80 off the sword and convince it to go pick up your dry cleaning. When the sword asks your help moving a shelf, you conveniently are "busy"
Katie: this game is stupid end game
Katie: exit
Katie: MEH I don't like your game
Brad: Your score is 2.

Adventure #11: Introducing Angry Henry

Shay: sys327246
Brad: Loading
Brad: Welcome To DANGERTOWN ANIME FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP
Shay: this is gonna be so sweet.
Brad: Syntax Error
Brad: You stand before a massive obsidian obelisk. A solitary blinking light blinks at you near a button.
Brad: To the west is FROG VILLAGE
Brad: To the East is RICKY SCHROEDER's BANJO TRIO
Brad: To the North is OBSIDIAN OBELISK
Brad: To the south is CHARACTER CREATION HUT
Shay: s
Brad: You enter the Character Creation hut. The attendant greets you at the massive armored vault door. Inside the hut is CHARACTER SELECT STATION 7, An employee, a desk, and a waiting area.
Shay: say hello to employee
Brad: The employee's name is Janice.
Shay: say hello to Janice
Brad: Hi Stranger. New to these parts? I see you don't have a body. Would you like to create your Avatar?
Shay: use station
Brad: You waddle your amorpous blobby self up to the CREATIONSTATION. You are welcomed by a bootup screen and a friendly hum. "PLEASE SELCET FORM TEH PHOLLOWING GENDRES" A: Dolphin, B: MALE, C: ANGRYHENRY.
Shay: C
Brad: YOU HAVE CHOSEN ANGRY HENRY. You have achieved "Thanks for choosing Angry Henry" Achievement.
Shay: check achievements
Brad: You have 1 of 32 Achievements.
Shay: i
Brad: You have: AngryHenry body; 1 Underwater hobby kit; Elastic SHoes; Misspent Youth.
Brad: NOW CHOOSE POLITICAL ORIENTATION
Brad: A: REDNECK, B: SANDWICH STYLE, C: IMMORTAL
Shay: B
Brad: You are now associated with the Asian mafia political party. NOW CHOOSE ANGER LEVEL: A- Saucy but nice to kittens; B- RoadRageFisticuffs; C-HATREDCOPTER
Shay: B
Brad: You sheepishly choose ROADRAGE FISTICUFFS. You eyes fill blood red as your bloodpressure increases to an audible level. You instantly want to pummel JANICE. Janice backs away into the protective cage behind the DESK. YOU MAY NOW CHOOSE SPECIAL ABILITY: 1- RUMMAGE MASTER. 2- FIREJAW, 3- EXPERT FISHERMAN.
Shay: 2
Brad: You lean into the machine as liquid hot magma pours into a mold around your face. You sustain 47 damage and are now FIREJAW CAPABLE. CHARACTER CREATION IS OVEr. please exit the machine.
Shay: check damage
Brad: You have 7 out of 64 health.
Shay: exit machine, scream maniacally
Brad: You exit machine and thus the Creation Hut. You scream through your firejaw part from pain, part from ANGER. It is hard to see through the smoke from your flaming mandible. To the North is a FIDDLE CHALLENGE. to the South is TACO ISLAND. To the east is the back of the CHARACTER HUT. To the West be monsters.
Shay: n
Brad: You approach an enchanted grove. A menacing ROBOT FIDDLE MONSTER sizes you up for the CHALLENGE o DEATH. You may: A- ENTER RING. B- retreat in horror, C: - hey jim, we need a third option here. please get back to work, we need to ship this thing, and the graphics aren't tight enough on level 3. Also, please stop the unending humming. it makes me want to CRIME.
Shay: shriek with fury, A
Brad: As you shriek hard enough to fling flaming teeth toward your adversary, Randy the FIDDLEBOT takes a fighting stance. You enter the ring and a disembodied voice yells "FIGHT" Above you is a health bar, a score counter and a logo. Below you is a pixelated fighting arena. You may choose A, Up Up Down Down Left Right B A Start, or Left left A A Kick.
Brad: You may also choose FLEE
Shay: look logo
Brad: As you stare foolishly up at the logo of "DANGERTOWN ANIME FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP" RANDY THE FIDDLEBACK DINOSPIDER pierces your lungs with his A, A, B, B, Squat, Shimmy, Tickle attack. Blood and guts spew everywhere, getting on the ground, your record collection, the camera, etc.
Shay: A, Up Up Down Down Left Right B A Start
Brad: You have summoned DRAGONPANTS. in a framerate crushing display of particles and post FX, you dismember RANDY into 12 parts. You stand in a crater of your own making, as your FIREJAW is extinguished from the blow. Unfortunately, those 12 parts sprout tiny legs and teeth, and approach you. Licking their chops and sharpened bits, they descend upon you.
Brad: They stop just at the rim of your crater, and yield. You have defeated RANDY. They bestow upon you a BUCKET o GRAVY and a burning in your extremeties.
Shay: drink gravy
Brad: You have some trouble using your hands, but you attempt to drink the gravy. It is thick, and viscous. It is pleasing to your mouth parts. On the inside of the bucket is a message.
Shay: read bucket
Brad: "Do not in any case whatsoever trust RANDY or drink his SWEET GRAVY. It is poison most dire." "P.S. don't look now but your insides are MELTING."
Shay: look now
Brad: You accurately percieve that your wrist bound sundial reads 10:04 PM.
Brad: BOOOM
Brad: BOOOM
Brad: BOOOOOOM
Shay: roar
Brad: A Delorean bursts forth out of nowhere and rolls to a stop. Doc Emmet L Brown steps out of his Time Machine
Shay: attack doc
Brad: You fling your rubbery exoskeleton full of liquified INSERT ADVENTURER NAME HERE guts at Doc. He pokes you with a stick, and you begin to leak your PRECIOUS FLUIDS out over the parched fighting arena.
Brad: DOC retrieves a STRAW from the Delorean.
Brad: DOC Leans down and begins to drink your FLUIDS
Shay: activate roadrage
Brad: As a voice overhead screams "FINISH HIM," you ANGRILY AND WITH MUCH RAGE are sucked up through the straw.
Brad: "DOC WINS"
Brad: You have been defeated.
Brad: LOOT RECOVERED: 12
Brad: Extra life multiplier: -1
Brad: FANCY DRESS ACHIEVEMENT: Pantaloons a plenty
Brad: Final Score: 7
Shay: At least I got to be extremely angry.
Shay: That's the best part about any Angry Henry game.
Brad: Just wait till "ANGRY HENRY AND THE HOME DEFENSIVE DRIVING COURSE"

Adventure #10: Vanilla Ice is a dick (feat. Ryan)

Ryan: SYS32592
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Chiggertrain Dance off 5000.
Brad: The year is 1987. You are part of the last of the manned deep space probes. A freak accident freezes you and your spaceship for 500 years. You return to Earth in the year 1991. Vanilla Ice has freed you.
Brad: To the west is your derelict spacecraft. To the East is Vanilla ice and his army of mutant warriors. To the north is a jungle. To the south is A burning wasteland of broken drum sets and pool cleaning equipment.
Ryan: i
Brad: You have: Spacesuit, Tang, Toy Ray Gun, 7 packets of Ketchup, a sense of bewilderment that VANILLA ICE has survived the holocaust.
Ryan: e
Brad: You approach VANILLA ICE. He is enthroned upon a pile of TARGET SHOPPING CARTS. He regards you with wonder. "Are you the spaceman?" he says.
Ryan: look
Brad: You stand before the throne of VANILLA ICE. To the West is your origin. To the south is a burning wasteland. To the north is JUNGLE. On the ground is a potato.
Ryan: give tang to vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice accepts your tang with trepidation. He challenges you to a TATERMASHIN CONTEST. Do you accept?
Ryan: y
Brad: You and VANILLA ICE compete for hours in the time-tested test of skill and agility. You fend off his advances like a prom date until finally you are outmatched over the last potato. Do you:
   A: Teach him the wonders of cowboys?
   B: Donate scissors to the poor?
   C: Equip yourself with extra teeth?
Ryan: c
Brad: As you fumble with your extra teeth, VANILLA ICE delivers a crushing blow to your guts with the sharp end of the POTATO MASHIN SPEAR. As you kneel before your victor, the blood rushing out of your body, VANILLA ICE Stands over you and shakes his vast head.
Ryan: equip gun
Brad: You equip the toy gun, it's plastic handle and colorful clear plastic insides show a myriad of soft, non threatening pieces.
Ryan: unequip gun
Brad: You cannot. it is SOULBOUND and way too sticky to let go of.
Ryan: use ketchup with potato
Brad: syntax error
Ryan: look vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice stands over you, happy to deliver your demise. He summons his chieftain to bring forth the CHIGGERHATCAGE
Ryan: n
Brad: You attempt to crawl Northward, the direction of the vikings and Birds in Spring. However, you are dying fast, and no amount of "n" is going to stop that. As you are crawling away slowly from the laughing VANILLA ICE, you stumble across a crack in the ground, inside is an iridescent shiny surface. You lean close, to hear the sounds of icecream trucks and happiness. You have discovered Surprisium.... The element of surprise!
Brad: YOU HAVE LEVELED UP
Ryan: surprise vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla ice is stunned into submission from utter gutwrenching surprise. The full force of pure Surprisium is brought to bear on the self declared KING OF LEXINGTON, MO. VANILLA ICE begins to melt.
Ryan: drink vanilla ice
Brad: As the last of VANILLA ICE melts , you hear a gurgling "YO WORD TO YOUR BURbleburble burble..." As you drink the 90's rapper's fluids, you realize that it isn't probably safe, as he is most likely considered biological waste even before the meltification. YOU HAVE 1 HEALTH LEFT.
Ryan: induce vomiting
Brad: You grab the nearest STICK and cram it down your throat. This might relieve the fluids from your sickly body, but in the course of inducing vomiting, you have inflicted upon yourself 1.3 damage.
Brad: You have died of stick ingestion.
Brad: score 138 out of 1400
Brad: secrets found: 1 out of 16
Ryan: I don't know why I ever trusted vanilla ice

Adventure #9: Let's try another game

Shay: Sys32497
Brad: loading
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. UPDATE AVAILABLE. Do you wish to download the 1.02 Patch?
Shay: y
Brad: As the update downloads, a group of libyan immigrants enter your home and pluck out your left eye. They apply a "1.02" patch to you, rendering your face much more pirate like. You are now ready for "PIRATE STOVE"
Shay: look home
Brad: You are seated at your computer desk, pool of drying eye giblets on your keyboard. A map of PIRATE STOVE tacked to the wall.
Brad: To the East is RESTROOM to the west is SHELF OF COLLECTIBLE FIGURINES to the North is COMPUTER to the south is BED
Shay: look map
Brad: The map is tattered and faded, it shows a treasure of BEYOND buried deep within the sands of PIRATE STOVE.
Shay: use computer
Brad: You are already using the computer to play PIRATE STOVE.
Shay: turn off computer
Brad: You reach out and grasp the off switch, with a flick of mighty proportions, you *-------------------------------------------
Shay: look
Brad: ___________
Shay: i
Brad: __________
Shay: jump
Brad: __________
Shay: turn on computer
Brad: C:\
Shay: run TIMETRAVELCOP
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to TIMETRAVELCOP, the next greatest text based 3d adventure!
Brad: Would you like to:
   A: File report
   B: Get coffee
   C: File report
Shay: A
Brad: As you reach for the report, you notice it's half open. You read about a group of expatriot lybians invading homes and stealing eyeballs, leaving the victims in a state of PIRATESTYLE1000.
Shay: check report date
Brad: The report is dated January 14, 1821.
Brad: 4 AM
Brad: next wednesday
Shay: timehop 1-14-1821
Brad: You cannot do that yet.
Shay: look
Brad: You look about the office... It is drab and cold, as if all joy had bled out into the midsummer night. The ceiling fan slowly turns as light plays across the gentle wood blades. You consider the daffodil, as you wander around the office looking for your TimeHop footies. To the west is a DOOR. To the East is a DESK. To the North is a YETI. To the south is an EQUIPMENT CABINET
Shay: open cabinet
Brad: You yank open the cabinet door. A MUMMY falls out, slumps against you and collapses onto the floor.
Shay: take Hoppintimeboots from mummy
Brad: You remove the hoppintime boots from the Mummy. They fit as if your own.
Shay: timehop 1-14-1821 4am
Brad: You timehop to November 16, 1687. You have no idea how t o use timehoppin footies. You are in a train station. You have appeared in the middle of a brawl between Anchovie farmers and the Proletariat Regime. They both turn on you and immediately resolve their differences by beating the snot out of you. They have you cornered.
Shay: recover snot
Brad: As you reach out in futility for your spent nasal treasure, the mob lifts you up and carries you into the LOCKER ROOM. They deposit your bleeding self into the wooden locker, and promptly lock it. They toss in some peanut butter crackers wrapped in cellophane. You are trapped. The mob pools their money and out of their hatred of you time travelling yankees, purchase a long term storage contract for your locker. You will be allowed to exit said locker in 2014.
Brad: As you expire from your injuries and lack of television, you slowly mummify as your locker is removed some years later and installed in DETECTIVE OFFICE.
Brad: Game over
Brad: Score 28 out of 72
Shay: Dude
Shay: You have blown my mind.

Adventure #8: Dekneed (feat. Marshall)

Brad: You are in a vast warehouse. To the East is the Mexican Space Shuttle. To the west is Camp Hate, to the north is the band GLASS PRISM. To the south is LARRY
Marshall: s
Brad: You approach LARRY the machete wielding albino dwarf. He deknees you. You now stand(sort of) without legs from the knees down.
Marshall: gather legs from ground
Brad: You add your legs to your inventory, among these are TACOS a BAG OF FUNIONS and the color GREEN
Marshall: attach tacos to knees where legs were
Brad: You graft the tacos to your kneesockets. Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling as you have been awarded AMAZING TROPHY SHOVEL SOMBRERO surprise. You have found a secret level. Do you:
   A: Search for pudding
   B: Investigate missing dragon tamer
   C: Scream in pain because you are still losing blood as it trickles over your painfully inadequate taco feet
Marshall: A
Brad: As you walk along on your Taco feet, leaving a trail of seasoned beef and taco stuffins, you grope your way along a stone path, in a stone cave, a light at the end of the tunnel shows you have entered a cavernous cavern. IN the center, on a pedestal is the STATUE OF PUDDING.
Marshall: look at pudding statue
Brad: You examine the statue of pudding, it seems to be a metal figure draped in delicious, delicious pudding. The tasty treat bubbling up out of the top of the statue and globbing down as it passes the base of the pedestal. At the bottom of the statue is a MOOSE ANTLER.
Marshall: eat teh pudding
Brad: you reach out for the pudding but it is protected by a HOVERING KILLCHOPPER named CLAY. Clay asks you to CEASE AND DESIST ALL SQUARE DANCING IMMEDIATELY.
Marshall: ignore clay, since I wasn't dancing. Look for spoon to eat pudding.
Brad: At the base of the statue of pudding is MOOSE ANTLER. Hovering nearby is CLAY KILLCHOPPER. Banjo music wafts nostalgically through the thick swampy air.
Marshall: Take moose antler
Brad: You wrench the ancient MOOSE ANTLER from its perch low atop the throne of pudding. You feel instantly calmer, as the soft fuzzy coating warms your skin.
Marshall: Place funion rings on each point of moose antler, and give to clay
Brad: Don't understand RINGS
Marshall: Eat pudding.
Brad: Clay is angered by your attempts to eat his pudding. He floateth menacingly closer to thee.
Marshall: N
Brad: You hobble North to the precipice. Below is a bottomless pool. There is no lifeguard.
Marshall: call out for larry
Brad: Larry is in Level 1-1. You have been warped to level 7-nivelo.
Marshall: Eat funions
Brad: Your teeth destroy the peaceful funions, eating them, you reflect on the hollowness in your own life long after the loss of your legs. As you finish off the funions, you notice tendrils growing out of your stumpy taco legs. You now have TENTACLEFABULOUS.
Marshall: Rejoice in new tentacle status, and enter pool.
Brad: You dance a merry jig as you leap daintily into the pool. Immediately sinking to depths that should kill you. Your tentacle legs offering no swimming capabilities at all.
Brad: The pressures of the bottomless pool begin to crush your feeble body as you plummet to the center of the earth.
Marshall: Use moose antler
Brad: you use the MOOSE ANTLER to gouge a hole in your neck, releasing your precious life before the torture of being crushed to death by the soft chlorinated pool water destroys your mind.
Brad: You have died.
Brad: Score - 14 out of 76.9
Marshall: Eat pudding
Brad: Ghosts don't eat pudding.
Marshall: :(
Marshall: well I guess that's as good as i should expect
Brad: You did well, young adventurer
Brad: At least I didn't harvest your skin.

Adventure #7: Victory?

Shay: sys325932
Brad: loading
Brad: Welcome, Traveller, to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. You awaken groggy and disoriented, you are in a trunk or container of some kind. It is quiet, like the inside of a bowling ball hidden deep within the woods.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying a goldfish bowl full of pennies, OINTMENT, a Crazylegs Fandango album cover, a screwdriver, and a pocktful of Kryptonite.
Shay: look
Brad: You see the inside of a trunk, or possibly square cave, on one side is a door with a handle, behind you is a window, beyond the window is dirt. Above you is a rope looking thing. Much like a rope.
Shay: pull rope
Brad: You pull the rope, and hold on to it as you are pulled up out of the BURIED METAL BOX. You breathe fresh air with a fervor all your own, as pedestrians wonder why you are dressed much like a 18th century scaliwag. The trap door closes beneath you, and you are left on the street.
Shay: look
Brad: You see a cobblestone pathway meandering alongside a quiet brook. To the east is a fancy hot dog stand. To the West is Danger. To the North is Jim Chuckfield's Monkey Paradise tanning Salon. To the South is East Virginia.
Shay: w
Brad: You travel west over broken glass and burning tires. You come to a solitary figure hovering in the air, rotating slowly. The figure turns to point at you and screams. Daggers fall out of the sky as you run for cover underneath a metal awning. Under the awning is a dwarf named Edmond Ransmurfer...bobbins.. mc... steve.
Shay: look figure
Brad: it is a blackish figure, gaunt and floaty, rotating slowly in the air. a nametag says "Hi My name is LES NESSMAN"
Shay: say hi to Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: ERBM says "hello there, clamshot. Why the heck did you start the dagger rain? You smell like a genius."
Shay: rub ointment on Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve looks at the ointment you have used on him. His expression, hard to read. He slowly reaches into a pocket and reveals a BUS TOKEN and a SALAD FORK. He does not look pleased.
Shay: trade pennies for salad fork
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve takes all your pennies and ingests them, guttering, gasping noises fill the AWNING as he hands you the salad fork. It pulses with energy, or doesn't. You can't tell.
Shay: throw kryptonite at figure
Brad: You produce your KRYPTONITE and lob it at the figure, it sticks to the figure and the figure stops rotating. The figure begins to melt, INTO FLUIDS. After 45 minutes, all that is left of the dark figure is an oily pool of fluids on the ground and a chunk of TAINTED KRYPTONITE. The daggers stop falling.
Shay: look Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve is very happy the dagger rain has stopped, although he has a MASSIVE INTERNAL PAIN from ingesting $147 worth of pennies.
Shay: throw Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve at burning tires
Brad: Exhibiting an amazing feat of strength, you lift Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve high over your head, Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve wailing in discomfort as you heft his sour mass and heave him through the air at the burning tires. As the smallish man impacts the tires, and begins to melt, you notice the pennies he devoured issuing forth into the air, coin sounds chiming for each one as you notice in the air a point counter ticking up for each penny. You have received 1UP.
Shay: look 1UP
Brad: A glimmering green mushroom sleeps silently in the palm of your hand. He is rendered toon shaded, and anime style. You have an instant desire to either:

Eat him

Place him sofly in your pocket

Tickle his sleepy face
Shay: eat 1UP
Brad: 1UP Screams bloody murder by gum. You eat 1UP and feel the EXTRA LIFE coursing through your veins. You feel invincible at least once.
Shay: look
Brad: You are standing in a small clearing full of daggers, a small pool of MELTED FIGURE. To the East is a cobblestone pathway. To more East is a fancy hot dog stand. To the West is Danger. To the North is Jim Chuckfield's Monkey Paradise tanning Salon. To the South is East Virginia.
Shay: w
Brad: You go west, young man. into DANGER.
Shay: look danger
Brad: You are in a small western town, a sign says "Welcome to DANGER, ILLINOIS. Population: Meh."
Shay: take sign
Brad: You wrench the sign out of the hole with your Seven Arms a'Swingin. As you lift the sign up to wield it, and consider its wooden nature, you suddenly fall down a flight of stairs the has opened up in the dusty street. You arrive at an UNDERGROUND SALOOON.
Shay: wield sign
Brad: You hold aloft the mighty SIGN OF DANGER. a moldy voice full of smoke and wonder echoes out of the UNDERGROUND SALOON. "are you a god?"
Shay: say yes
Brad: You say yes. Gozer the shapeshifting god of destruction walks out, high fives you, and asks if you want to "get out of here." You and Gozer get along fairly well as long as you keep the sign of DANGER with you, and you two kids settle down in the suburbs of ATLANTA, raise some kids, and live happily ever after.
Brad: Game over
Brad: Score 1400 out of 7.
Shay: I finally won one!!!
Brad: That you did.
Brad: Way to go
Shay: Wait, what gender is Gozer again?
Brad: The wrong one.
Shay: :O

Adventure #6: Inversion

Brad: SYS32592
Shay: loading.......
Shay: Welcome to Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventure!
Shay: You are standing in a marsh, surrounded by bog. Before you is a mailbox painted fuschia. To the north is a winding road. To the east is a bog. To the south is two bogs. To the west is a raptor village.
Brad: i
Shay: You are holding: a letter from your long-lost illegitimate son; a watermelon; a rusty knife; and a pink stuffed bunny for some reason.
Brad: Dance Jig
Shay: You dance a merry jig, attracting the attention of several raptors to the west
Brad: Take Mailbox
Shay: The mailbox is deeply rooted in the ground, but your mutant arm is able to yank it from the earth. You wield it threateningly at the raptors, which now surround you. Their glasses and hats glint in the light of their torches. "HE'S A WITCH!" they shriek.
Brad: Hug Raptors
Shay: The raptor hillbillies are touched by your display of friendliness. After conferring briefly, they agree to only devour your bewitched right arm. As they gobble it down, the mailbox falls to the ground and a package falls out of it.
Shay: The raptors move off to the west.
Brad: cauterize wound, wave g'day to raptors, open package
Shay: Out of the package hops FRED the pot-bellied pig and world-class high-fiver.
Shay: "I can help thee in thy search for thy illegitimate son... but thou must first answer my riddle: what is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Brad: Eat Fred
Shay: Without warning, you body-slam Fred, instantly crushing every bone in his innocent pig body. As you messily devour him, you find the Key of the Frozen North in his intestines. You have contracted salmonella. You have lost favor with Porkins the god of Pigs. You have gained favor with Gorgo, god of gluttony.
Brad: enhance relationship with Gorgo, Take Key, Create intestine golem.
Shay: You gorge yourself on pig meat in a disgusting display of excess. With the power granted you by the glutton lord, you use FRED's intestines to create SAM the intestine golem. "Wot business today, guv'nah?" asks Sam, with a tip of his fleshy hat.
Brad: look
Shay: The raptors in the village to the west are having a square dance. To the north is a path. Sam the intestine creature is here. "Blimey! Wot we doin' guv'nah?" he says.
Brad: N
Shay: You arrive at an infinite wall. Before the gate stands Jay the Knife Ghost. Sam looks upon him haughtily. "Don't care fer the look of that character none at all, guv'nah!"
Brad: invert sam
Shay: Sam happily inverts himself. "Crikey! G'day mate!" he says. Jay gazes upon these antics humorlessly, sharpening his blades in silence.
Brad: use inverted sam
Shay: You bum $5 off Sam. He feels used. You gain favor with SPONGOR, god of deadbeats.
Brad: confuse Jay
Shay: You hypnotize Jay; he becomes convinced you are a pincushion. As you lie bleeding on the ground, you hear Sam tell Jay, "Crikey, I never liked that bloke anyway!"
Shay: You awake in VALHALLA. Before you are Gorgon, Porkins, and Spongor. Porkins gazes upon you with great wrath in his divine porcine visage.
Brad: consider LASIK surgery
Shay: As you ponder the non sequitir of eye lasers, you recognize Spongor as your long-lost illegitimate son, now ascended to godly form. Unfortunately your reunion with him is cut short, as even he and Gorgo together cannot restrain PORKINS as he devours you. You will spend eternity being digested by a pig. How ironic.
Shay: Score: 2,000,678 out of 5 trillion.

Adventure #5: Eyeballs and suffering (feat. Jeremy)

Jeremy: Load
Brad: ....................................................
Brad: ..........
Brad: .
Jeremy: look
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure. You stand in a clearing, knee deep in orange mist. To the North is a CAVE. To the south is SEVEN MAIDS a MILKING. To the East is a Legendary Lake. To the west is RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Jeremy: s
Brad: You approach SEVEN MAIDS a MILKING, but the path is blocked by a pile of basketballs, and a troll with a glass eye, who voted libertarian in the last election. He is very guarded about his name.
Jeremy: ask about glass eye
Brad: "You may not ask me questions until you find my name. These basketballs will attack on command!"
Brad: "Attack" yells BOSCO the troll, as nothing happens, since basketballs are inanimate objects and their magical abilities only exist in his mind.
Jeremy: Pickup basketball
Brad: A SPALDING basketball, ordinary in every way. Something is inside, however. and rattles as if it were a fish made of metal and cheese.
Jeremy: Throw basketball at BOSCO
Brad: Don't understand 'At'
Jeremy: Hit BOSCO with Basketball
Brad: Bosco goes down in flames, his glass eye rolls out of his thudded skull and stops at your feet, looking up and slightly to the left.
Jeremy: pickup eye
Brad: It's warm and soggy, and feels magical.
Jeremy: use eye
Brad: You grab the nearest stick and gouge your left eye out, painfully crying tears of blood and agony as you watch the stick remove the last bits of your once perfectly functional left eye. You insert the glass eye in your socket and begin to feel strange, as if you can see normal out of your right eye, and in 1970s disco fantastic vision© in your left eye.
Jeremy: look
Brad: You are on a path, a pile of Basketballs to the South, to the north, is PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair. To the East are trees, to the west are Trees. In your left eye is INFECTION.
Jeremy: take basketball
Jeremy: e
Brad: You take one basketball and walk East. into several trees, banging your head on the thick woollen bark.
Brad: the way is clogged with vines and undergrowth, and littered with the remains of travelers and salesmen.
Jeremy: look woollen
Brad: The thick shaggy hide of the trees flow in the breeze. You have a strong desire to comb the trees. On the ground is Mr. ActionComb 2000. To the West is the path. In your left eye is MORE INFECTION.
Jeremy: hold eye
Jeremy: w
Brad: You remove your bloodied glass eye, a sickening TWOCK sound echoes through the great wooly trees. Obviously you don't care to comb the trees, and they are miffed at you. You travel back towards the path. A pile of Basketballs to the South, to the north, is PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair. To the East are trees, to the west are Trees. In your left eye socket is an UNGODLY AMOUNT OF INFECTION.
Jeremy: n
Brad: You make your way North, occasionally stumbling, losing your concentration due to the UNHOLY MASSIVE AMOUNT OF BODILY FLUID TAINTING INFECTION taking up residence inside the left half of your stubborn "i don't want to comb the trees" head. As you reach the entry gate of PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair, you beging to suffer greatly from dizziness, lack of speech, and begin to hallucinate tastes and smells such as: Moss, Tabletop Varnish, and sheetrock dust. You stand at the gate and realize you have no ticket. On the other side of the gate is a sign.
Jeremy: read sign
Brad: The words, blurried and barely coherent due to INTENSE BLOOD LOSS FROM INFECTION AND TOENAIL SMOLDERING PAIN FROM GAPING WOUND IN HEAD, reads: "Tickets available in the trees, comb them gently for extra FUNTIME happy ticket amazing." You have 14 seconds to live before your body convulses and liquefies.
Jeremy: sit down
Jeremy: close eye
Brad: You sit, barely aware of the decay coursing through your veins. Children and puppies and happy people avoid you on their way to the Job Fair. You close your one good eye, as the last thing you see is a basket full of LOWFAT ANTI INFECTION OINTMENT SALVE in the crook of a woolen tree. The tree ominously acknowledges your fate, and will tell his poker buddies how "The man who wouldn't comb us" died sputtering.
Brad: The Chiggers won't even eat your OMGINFECTIONPALOOZA body.
Brad: Game over.
Jeremy: From heaven above: *smile*
Brad: Unfortunately you have been sent to tree heaven, and have been made a COMBINGSLAVE level 1.
Brad: There are no smiles in tree heaven.

Adventure #4: Don't sign off (feat. Jeremy)

Jeremy: system 359234
Brad: You wake up in a cave. To the north is a hospital, to the south is The valley of Crondium. To the East is a band of merry men. To the west is DENVER.
Jeremy: n
Brad: You approach the hospital, it is painted an odd color of green and lime green, with avocado accents. You enter the lobby and notice it is abandoned. Gurneys and cold war era medical equipment gather dust. In the corner is a flickering television monitor. Underneath the dust is some kind of image.
Jeremy: wipe dust
Brad: The dust. It clings to your body like spores... your central nervous system begins to succumb to the dust spore invasion, the image on the monitor is visible finally, perhaps it's a warning you should read?
*** "Jeremy" signed off at Tue Dec 23 15:09 2008.
Brad: ...
*** "Jeremy" signed on at Tue Dec 23 15:11 2008.
Brad: the dust is still invading your body.
Jeremy: read warning
*** "Jeremy" signed off at Tue Dec 23 15:12 2008.
*** "Jeremy" signed on at Tue Dec 23 15:19 2008.
Brad: You quickly look at the warning... "DON'T TOUCH THE DUST"
Brad: A shadow falls across you, and the biggest chigger you have ever seen begins eating you.
Jeremy: Wipe dust off hands
Brad: You have been eaten by chiggers. Game over.
Jeremy: Wow walk away from the laptop and you lose the game in a few turns..
Brad: Don't understand "off" which doesn't matter... you're dead anyway
Jeremy: Score
Brad: 1.894 out of 1429

Adventure #3: Hints are pouty

Shay: sys 32592
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure.
Brad: loading....
Brad: ...
Brad: ..
Brad: ....
Brad: ..
Brad: You stand in an empty shipping container, the door slightly ajar. To the east is the opening, on the floor is a jar.
Shay: look in jar
Brad: Inside the jar is bait
Shay: e
Brad: You exit the shipping container, you come out into the pouring rain. It's hard to see where you are, it could be Memphis, or a train station. To t he north is a foggy expanse of walkable area, to the south is a giant wall of tires, to the west is the shipping container, to the west is a cave.
Brad: to the west is some grass
Brad: to the west is a young man
Shay: look young man
Brad: The man is in his early 20s, standing on top of a shiny disc. He seems worried about a kind of Canadian hockey team.
Shay: tell young man hello
Brad: don't understand man
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello you say, as the young man melts into fluids. His shiny disk gleams in the rain.
Shay: look fluids
Brad: The fluids you seek have washed away
Shay: look disk
Brad: The disk left behind by Waldo the melted man has intricate writings and logos and trademark information etched into it's glowy, gleaming, glowing surface. It seems easy enough to step on, almost as if it wants you to be melted upon its comfortable looking to stand on surface.
Brad: It's probably made in china
Shay: s
Brad: You approach the giant wall of tires in disgust, as you left the disc behind and the jar of bait as well, without picking them up. The tires lean back and forth menacingly. Beyond the tires is a magical looking land where the sun is shining forth through the tires. The rain still pouring on your side of the tires, begins to get colder.
Shay: take tire
Brad: You take one solitary tire, its normal mapped contours and specular highlights glinting in the dynamic lighting from beyond. A complex material of trickling water cascades across its surface. You regard these next gen graphics with awe and wonder.
Brad: The rest of the tires collapse, opening the way south
Brad: To the south is a sunlit land, to the north is rain,
Shay: n
Brad: you arrive back at the shipping container, you notice it's empty, save for a jar of bait. And a new inhabitant. FIDEL CASTRO.
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: The disc is West
Shay: w
Brad: You arrive at the disc. it wants to gleam at you, but it is sad because you abandoned it. It looks up at you like a mistreated puppy with all the emotional depth a shiny disc can muster. Underneath the disc is a mushroom.
Shay: put tire on disc
Brad: don't understand disc
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: don't understand disc. Perhaps you should use the 2 or 3 word sentance structire we have all come to love in text adventure games. FIDEL CASTRO can teach you.
Shay: pause
Shay: dude, you're not even consistent about the two-word thing
Brad: are we editing this out?
Shay: yes
Brad: I know, it's at the whim of the computer
Shay: sigh
Shay: unpause
Shay: take disc
Brad: you take the disk with a giant sucking sound, as the rest of the disc comes out of the sodden ground. you notice a handle on the back of the disc.
Shay: e
Brad: You arrive back at the merrygoround factory picnic, the shipping container is still open, a FIDEL CASTRO is feasting on the commie bait in the jar. To the west is a hole, to the south is a magical sunlit land, to the north is a foggy expanse.
Shay: hit castro with disc
Brad: don't understand 'with' but I can fake it. YOu hit a FIDEL CASTRO with the disc. Nothing happens. FIDEL CASTRO is invincible, you dolt. Try trapping him in the shipping container.
Shay: turn off hints
Brad: Hints are lost forever.
Shay: close container
Brad: done
Shay: laugh
Brad: done
Shay: listen to screams of anguish with smile on face
Brad: done
Shay: s
Brad: done
Shay: look
Brad: loading....
Brad: done
Shay: turn on hints
Brad: Hints are pouty. and not speaking to you right now.
Shay: look
Brad: To the south is a cave
Brad: to the north is some trees
Brad: to t he west is a magical sunlit land
Brad: to the east is Clothes Hanger Flotilla 8000
Shay: e
Brad: you arrive at ClothesHangerFlotilla 8000, your Character creation screen.. Would you like to: Choose gender, choose length of beard, choose robotic implant
Shay: choose length of beard
Brad: You are presented with 4 options Long, ZZTOP, Short, or Tentacle.
Shay: ZZTOP
Brad: As you don your ZZTOP beard, you hear the ghost of ABE LINCOLN step up to you and present you with a magical top hat. BE YE KIND TO YONDER MONKEY FARMERS, FOR THEIRS IS THE YOKE OF THE ANCIENTS. he says.
Shay: hug lincoln
Brad: Lincoln appreciates your kindness
Shay: choose robotic implant
Brad: As GHOST LINCOLN evaporates with a wink and a bristling of canvas, you choose from: LASER EYES, METALFEETHOPPINTIME2000, ROBOTSPIDERLEGSFORARMS2.9, orASSEMBLYLINEHIJINX SPINE UPGRADE
Shay: METALFEETHOPPINTIME2000
Brad: The tiny robotic slugs slowly emerge from the recesses, they dissolve your feet most painfully. As the last remnants of your human feet are eaten away by the slugjuices, the ROBOTOTRON assembles your hoppintime feet from the metal innards of 3 different copy machines.
Brad: You may now hop 1.3X higher
Shay: timehop 1492
Brad: You hop in the air to heights previously unreachable, and when you land, it is the distant future. The year is 1492. Whence columbus sailed the oceans blue.
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in future
Brad: the year is 1987.
Shay: look feet
Brad: Your feet are shiny and new. All aboard. They've been waiting for you. THE LOOOVE BOAT.
Brad: To the north is the LOVE BOAT. To the south is AMERICA to the west is Rodney Dangerfield. To the east is APPLE
Shay: hop e
Brad: You hop on down to where APPLE sits on the ground. APPLE is a norweigian pit viper. He looks dangerous.
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello, (read namestring $1). How are you today? May I interest you in a Baklava?
Shay: take baklava
Brad: BAKLAVA IS POSION
Shay: throw baklava at APPLE
Brad: APPLE dodges BAKLAVA utilizing a low compression animation routine.
Brad: APPLE then bites your metallic feet
Brad: To the south is CUBA
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in past
Brad: loading
Brad: .....
Brad: you land on APPLE as he tries to bite your past self, stopping his attack, and therefore the reason to timehop back to stop the attack you just stopped. The resulting rupture in the time space continuum and logic fault in the program ceases the game world to function. You have crashed the game. You will now have your skin harvested by GHOST LINCOLN.
Shay: look GHOST LINCOLN
Brad: your skinned eyes behold GHOST LINCOLN as he neatly folds your body's largest organ for laundry day later. As you bleed to death, you notice the futility of time travel.
Shay: game over?
Brad: Don't understand ? Game exiting to desktop. ERROR #8927 Unknown error.

Adventure #2: Shay really wants to go to Cuba

Brad: You stand abandoned, near a burning tire and french fry box.
Brad: to the east is sadness. To the west is a scorpion hat. To the north is a pathway. to the south is Cuba
Shay: s
Brad: You can't go that way
Shay: look tire
Brad: Michelin 100022 with alcoa aluminum wheel. slightly on fire.
Shay: take fire
Brad: you set yuor arm on fire, it burns. but in a good way.
Shay: e
Brad: you travel east past the mountains and the deserts. You fjord a small river and pass a cottage, the sounds of humble music seeping out into the cold wintry night. As you arrive at e, you realize it's just not as exciting as the mountains and the desert, the tiny frogs in the stream. it's just an e.
Brad: To the west is happiness. to the south is cuba
Shay: look at e
Brad: you look towards happiness, mountains and frogs and cottage wenches and music
Shay: look at cuba
Brad: Cuba is mighty fine.
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: enter cottage
Brad: as you enter the cottage, a wench greets you. She looks like she's had one too many years around the spinning wheel.
Shay: ask wench about cuba
Brad: Aye, Cuba is mighty fine... mighty fine. But ye can't get there.
Shay: ask wench about boats
Brad: I've not seen boats around these parts in a possum's age. I once heard tell of a boat way west of the mountains.
Shay: leave cottage, w
Brad: You travel West, leaving teh cottage wench screaming in disgust. You pass the deserts, and realize you're stuck at the tiny frog river. On the ground is a spatula, beyond the river is an ogre.
Shay: ask ogre about cuba
Brad: the ruins of a bridge dripping from the ogre's mouth
Brad: don't understand about
Shay: look into spatula
Brad: don't understand spatula
Shay: take spatula
Brad: you wield aloft the mighty ExPatula, power and glory seem to seep into your skin.
Shay: remove clothes
Brad: To the south is Cuba
Shay: i
Brad: You are holding aloft the might ExPatula, you have a hat on, and your mouth is full of bees.
Shay: spit bees at ogre
Brad: you unleash a mighty swarm of ogre killin' bees. The ogre succumbs to the onslaught in a very framerate expensive particle effect, and lots of physics assets being thrown around.
Brad: the ogre now bridges the river.
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: w
Brad: Clothed only in your magical spatula, you bound across the ogre's rotting corpse, crossing the river, and pass on to the mountains. To the west is a clearing, to t he south is Cuba, to the north is the mountain queen's cabin, to the east is the ogrebridge
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: w
Brad: you enter a clearing, it looks strangely familiar. Ted is sleeping in the corner.
Shay: ask Ted about boat
Brad: Ted says boats are tasty, he hasn't had a good boat in several years.
Shay: w
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: s
Brad: the way is blocked
Shay: ask Ted about assassinating fidel castro
Brad: don't understand 'about'
Shay: pet Ted
Brad: ted purrs much like a largish spider would. He then constructs you a raft out of webbing and spittle.
Shay: enter raft
Brad: you enter the raft
Shay: s
Brad: to the south is a dock
Brad: you can't use a raft on dry land
Shay: exit raft, take raft, s, put raft in water, enter raft
Brad: You are in a raft. To the north is a dock to the east is water, to the west is the Island of Union Steelworkers, to t he south is Cuba
Shay: s
Brad: you have no oar.
Shay: take spatula, s
Brad: as you paddle fervently with your spatula southward, you encounter a whirlpool. to the east is water, to the west is the Island of uniion steelworkers, to the south is Cuba, inside the whirlpool is sparkly secrets
Shay: s
Brad: To t he south is CUBA
Shay: s
Brad: You travel south across the watery depths, with no provisions, no water, no shield for your pale, soft skin, you almost die from exposure. You and your raft wash up on CUBA. To the north is Alabama. To the south is southern CUBA. To the east is a mermaid assisted living home. To the west is SANDCASTLEPALOOZA. On teh ground is a map of Detroit
Shay: w
Shay: wait, i meant west.
Brad: You reach SANDCASTLEPALOOZA. It is closed.
Shay: I MEANT EAST
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: e
Brad: theway is blocked
Shay: unblock the damn way
Brad: perhaps you should look e
Shay: look e
Brad: Looking e, you realize the tide has come in, there's no way to reach the mermaid assisted living home. To the north is alabama across the ocean. To the south is southern CUBA. To the west is SANDCASTLEPALOOZA, which is closed. On the ground is a ray gun and a turtle named Eric.
Shay: take ray gun, tell eric hello
Brad: Eric greets you with a 40 and an 8 ball. He asks if you're in a gang.
Shay: ask Eric about Castro's whereabouts
Brad: Eric is drunk now.
Shay: s
Shay: wait
Shay: take eric
Brad: you take eric in a clear violation of text adventure causality. Eric sleeps softly against your naked skin. You travel south and come to a clearing.
Brad: to the east is Cindy's Exotic Garden Tools Emporium
Brad: to the west is MISSING TEXTURE
Brad: To the North is the beach
Brad: to the south is more CUBA
Shay: combine eric and spatula and ray gun to create thermonuclear device
Brad: don't understand and
Shay: s
Brad: you come to a tree. A tree house perches atop in the leaves, on the ground is a lighter, a bag of charcoal, some cheese, a container of worcestershire sauce, 3 marbles, a dead politician, some pieces of chalk, and a trained monkey.
Shay: look at dead politician
Brad: he's been killed by falling damage +3. His pockets are full of gold doubloons, and his suit might fit you. his vacant eyes stare at you from beyond this mortal coil. In his hand is a map of DETROIT
Shay: look at eyes
Brad: his eyes enchant you. you weep longingly for his warmth
Shay: contemplate mortality
Brad: You contemplate mortality.
Shay: contemplate futility of both communism and attempts to overthrow communism
Brad: don't understand 'attempts'
Shay: put ray gun in mouth
Brad: you chew on ray gun
Brad: the sand getting between your teeth
Shay: set eric free
Brad: you are eaten by chiggers.
Shay: game over?
Brad: game over
Brad: Eric was your chigger protector
Shay: dang

Adventure #1: Shay meets Ted the spider

Brad: You are in a large field, to the north is a spider. to the east is a fountain garden. To the west is a path to the south is Jamboree Physical Stimulation Simulation 5000 robotic excitement.
Shay: n
Brad: You arrive at Ted, the large spider. To the south is the crash site, to the east is a waffle, to the west is a dystopian nightmare replete with sadness and disappointment
Shay: look Ted
Brad: Ted regards you with contempt. He has a frying pan in one mandible and he guards a magic shoe on a stump.
Shay: ask Ted about shoe
Brad: don't understand about
Shay: take shoe
Brad: Ted disapproves
Shay: eat shoe
Brad: as the delicate shoe meat passes into your mouth, flavored by the feet of a hundred warriors, you succumb to an overdose of leather LSD. Ted removes your neck bones from the back of your spine, and you are eaten by chiggers
Shay: look chiggers
Brad: your zombie eyes gaze upon the army of chiggers high fiving Ted. Nice work, guys, he says.
Shay: stand
Brad: you stand, as ted inserts a thousand eggs into your abdomen. "I gotta propagate my species." Ted picks up the TV remote and puts it in the frying pan.
Shay: w
Brad: You go west to work at Midway
Shay: ouch
Shay: game over