Birthday Pneumonia

[This one had a couple of extra players make cameos since it was in a Facebook wall post/thread.]

Brad: You are standing in a dimly lit cave. To the EAST is Birthday fandango celebration with cake and prizes. To the SOUTH is CUBA. To the NORTH is CLIFF OF SORROW. To the WEST is OCEAN.
Shay: Go northwest
Scott U: Open the mailbox.
Brad Lewis: CLIFF OF SORROW attacks you with his AXE OF SADNESS. You take 37 damage. He enjoys the fact that he struck you, thereby removing his SORROW. CLIFF OF SORROW is vanquised. You have won.
Brad Lewis: However, CLIFF'S AXE OF SADNESS left you near death, vulnerable to pneumonia.
Patrick H: ‎/help
Brad: HELP: This is a TEXT ADVENTURE. You may use TWO WORD STRUCTURE: VERB, NOUN, etc.
Shay: examine Scott
Brad: You regard Scott U. with utter contempt, as he is wearing the wrong kind of plaid shorts.
Shay: examine mailbox
Brad: The mailbox has been wrenched from the ground, and tossed against the brick wall of an ancient KEEP. Its contents strewn across the dusty ground. Many small ANTS have decided to crawl this way and that among the LETTERS and one PACKAGE of CANDIED FRUITS.
Shay: eat candied fruits
Brad: The CANDIED FRUITS were laced with NEUROTOXIN and PNEUMONIA SALT. You have lost 99% of your health.
Shay: stomp ants angrily
Brad: You cannot. You lack the strength. The ants do, however, now notice you and begin their slow, menacing march toward your soon to be corpse.
Shay: examine pneumonia
Brad: You begin a moment of self reflection, as you sense the PNEUMONIA attacking your body. You hardly even notice the ANTS begin to remove your body parts and bring the pieces down to their queen.
Shay: inventory
Brad: You are carrying ACME ANT REPELLANT SOCKS, A TICKET TO THE FAIRE, MAGIC TIMEHOPPIN PANTS
Brad: Also carrying INCREASING NUMBER OF ANT SIZED BITES
Shay: check health
Brad: Your health is at .00000000021 %
Shay: examine queen
Brad: Queen are a British rock band formed in London in 1971, originally consisting of Freddie Mercury (lead vocals, piano), Brian May (guitar, vocals), John Deacon (bass guitar, guitars), and Roger Taylor (drums, vocals). Queen's earliest works were influenced by progressive rock, but the band gradually ventured into more conventional and radio-friendly works, incorporating more diverse and innovative styles in their music.
Shay: ask freddie mercury for help
Brad: Syntax Error (Also, he is dead.)
Shay: use timehoppin pants to return to pre-pneumonia state
Brad: You activate the TIMEHOPPIN PANTS to return to Idaho in the early Mesozoic era. A fine Pre-pneumonia State.
Shay: stand up
Brad: You stagger to your feet, stepping on a bug, which in the future would have become CLIFF OF SORROW. You defeat him before you defeat him via time paradox. You have unlocked achievement BUGSTEP. You hear a lot of robot music and begin to feel better. Eventually you heal, and become comfortable living out your days in prehistoric Idaho.
Brad: YOU WIN
Brad: POINTS - 28
Brad: ACHIEVEMENTS UNLOCKED - 12
Brad: HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM BRAD AND SHAY'S TEXTELLENT ADVENTURE
Brad: INSERT COIN
Shay: aww, I finally won one... thanks for the birthday present Brad. :)

Chicken Pot BWOOOOWOWWWWWWW

Shay: so I have a question for you
Shay: did you actually have chicken pot pie on Monday?
Shay: and also, why did you choose to post on facebook about it out of the blue? and also, how friggin weird is it that we were having chicken pot pie as well? :O
Shay: you creep me out sometimes with your psychic nature
Shay: and your drinking of tapioca-flavored human blood
Shay: but mostly the chicken pot pie stuff
Brad: Shay, if I told you, you wouldn't be able to handle it
Shay: TELL ME
Brad: no
Shay: ;_;
Shay: so how you doing? can we bring you guys some meals? and see teh bebe?
Brad: yessir!
Shay: yay!
Shay: it will be chicken pot pie with a blood tapioca dessert, of course
Brad: Bloodpioca
Brad: So but seriously, you don't know how it is I can psychically discern when you're eating chicken pot pie?
Brad: Tell me your feelings when you read my post, and realized I knew what you were eating, as if I was eating it with you.
Shay: in my head, that musical sting from Inception played, several times in a row - BWOOOOWWWWWWW.... BWOWWWWWW
Brad: yesssss.
Shay: it was like the twist ending of a M. Night Shyamalyan movie... "HE KNEW YOU WERE EATING CHICKEN POT PIE ALL ALONG"
Brad: I imagined also a nice focus pull
Shay: exactly, like in Vertigo
Brad: yep
Shay: we could do this for 2 hours... just an opening scene of us eating chicken pot pie, then we put our dishes away, I look at Facebook and see your post, and then these effects for the remaining 110 minutes of screen time:
Shay: my mind being blown
Shay: the camera zooming in from across the room into my retina
Shay: and then a cut to you outside our window, grinning maniacally and eating chicken pot pie
Shay: laughing with the crumbs in your mouth
Brad: it's what I do
Brad: I love it when your programmer mind is stumped by my right brained whimsy.
Shay: so my guess is that it was all coincidence and randomness.
Shay: but I know that now you have this over me you'll never reveal the truth.
Shay: and I can accept and respect that. it's the right move in fact.
Shay: my left brain will have to rest without having this puzzle solved, somehow, and just go back to throbbing.
Brad: Your m... no, too easy.
Shay: dang it
Brad: Truthfully it was all a coincidence, that I leveraged into your paranoia.
Shay: you're good at that
Brad: ...
Brad: unless it wasn't
Brad: BWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW
Shay: :O
Shay: so speaking of which, I've been a bit obsessed with magicians and con artists, lately
Brad: That's interesting
Brad: Mm pizza
Shay: nice guess but I'm not eating pizza
Brad: Neither am I
Brad: I just like it
Shay: it is good
Shay: hmm
Brad: You know, the day I posted about potpie. I had a strange urge to post that and didn't know why
Brad: now I do... it is my destiny to mess with you
Shay: don't tell me that man
Shay: BWOWWWWWWW
Shay: that's happening again
Shay: I don't have time for all these bwows happening to me
Brad: BWOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW
Shay: man
Brad: It's true. I have a psychic link to your eating habits
Brad: Or to all chicken pot pies, one of the two
Shay: actually, I think the meal Laura was planning to make for y'all was pizza
Brad: see?
Shay: so you're creeping me out again
Brad: I knew pizza was in your future
Shay: although now I think that you already heard that from Katie talking to Laura and then you, and you're trying to mess with my head again
Brad: no, actually, I didn't
Shay: BWOWWWWWWWWW
Shay: stop that!
Brad: BWOOOWWWWWWW
Shay: >:-|
Brad: well, you're not alone
Brad: kate hates when I guess things too
Brad: take your dog outside
Shay: I'm not at home
Shay: nice try though
Brad: It's not a perfect science
Brad: What if you heighten my psychic ability to the point of superpower? But you get no noticable effect from interacting with me other than being slightly annoyed?
Shay: are you suggesting that I'm heightening your ability in this way right now, through trial and error?
Brad: I knew you were going to ask that
Shay: okay, then. Think of a card, right now
Shay: let me know when you have it in mind
Shay: any card
Brad: Nvidia
Shay: okay any card that would come in a deck of playing cards
Brad: Oh
Brad: Joker
Shay: just tell me when you think of it, don't tell me what it is
Shay: okay that's what I was going to guess, but you weren't supposed to say it.
Shay: pick another one
Shay: tell me when you have it
Brad: instruction card
Shay: ...
Shay: okay that was my second guess but YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS
Brad: I think I have proven my point.
Shay: BWOWWWWWWWW
Brad: BWOOOOOWOWWWWW

Deincarnated

Brad: You have been killed. Your soul stands at the dock of the river Styx. You see the boat to the other side approaching.
Shay: examine boat
Brad: The boat seems hewn of living bone, the steersman is awash in black. He appears to be listening to a walkman.
Shay: dip self in styx
Brad: Don't understand "self"
Shay: examine walkman
Brad: The walkman appears to be playing a cassette tape of ZZTop's Afterburner album.
Shay: say hey man what's up?
Shay: say you come here often?
Shay: say I guess so huh? so what's it like down here?
Brad: Don't understand "inane small talk"
Shay: say fine then
Shay: enter boat
Brad: As you enter the boat, the steersman presents a bony hand, desiring your tokens for passing ....
Shay: take coins from eyes
Brad: You remove your coins from your eyes. A blinding red laser now emits forth, puncturing the boat, drowning the steersman, short circuiting the walkman, and endangering the hobbits at your feet.
Shay: say whoa, sorry man
Shay: put coin on left eye
Shay: squint right eye
Brad: Don't understand 'whoa'
Brad: game over
Brad: Score 0
Shay: restart
Brad: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......* You have been awakened to the sound of a defibrilator. You stare up at the doctor from the hospital gurney.
Brad: The doctor says "We thought we lost you"
Shay: say what happened i was in heaven
Shay: say put me back
Shay: say nah I'm just kiddin ya man, it's good to be back
Brad: The doctor says "By lost, I mean, lost. You've been locked in the broom closet for a week. No one knew where you were."
Shay: examine doctor
Brad: The doctor says "Whoa now, big fella, I'll be doing the examining here." then hands you a lollipop.
Shay: examine room
Brad: You are in a very large examination room. The doctor is smiling at you as he fills out his chart. you are sitting on the examination table, a bit disoriented.
Shay: remember
Brad: You remember horribly murdering death himself on his pleasure boat down at the river styx. You also remember the screams of the hobbits you incinerated.
Shay: smile
Brad: You bare your teeth
Shay: ask doctor about death
Brad: You attempt to speak, but the doctor just ignores you, finishes his chart, and walks out of the enormous examining room as the nurse comes in and fits you with a restraining collar and chain.
Shay: smile
Brad: You bare your teeth again, slobbering on the countertop
Shay: examine nurse
Brad: you sniff the nurse. She swats you with a rolled up newspaper.
Shay: say hey baby what's happening
Brad: You growl at the nurse.
Shay: heck yeah I do
Shay: stand up
Brad: You have raised your point of view approximately one foot
Shay: examine self
Brad: You are a dog.
Shay: howl sadly
Shay: bay, even.
Brad: You bay as the doctors lead you out of the examination room.
Shay: run like the dickens
Shay: poop everywhere
Brad: You begin to run like Charles Dickens, in a sad, gloomy way. Pooping as you go. Until you realize your family is happy to see you, grinning at your misunderstood running style and tolerant of your uncontrollable bowel function.
Shay: wag tail!
Brad: As you are reunited with your family, in a group hug, a man with an insanely long beard outside removes the coins from his eyes, and burns the place down, killing all inside.
Brad: Game over
Brad: score 12
Shay: brad
Brad: yes?
Shay: why does everyone have lasereyes?
Brad: It's Lasereye Village
Brad: it says so on the top of the game cabinet
Shay: of course.
Shay: eat lollipop.

"Nobody stops a man carrying balloons."

Shay: more photos of me: http://www2.brightroom.com/browser.aspx?eid=78828&bib=3880
Brad: what
Shay: photos from the Cap 10k on Sunday
Brad: what were you running from that can't be dealt with via conventional means of mediation?
Shay: a BUNCH of people
Shay: it was scary
Brad: you shouldn't be around people
Brad: that would fix it
Shay: that's one solution
Brad: The other solution is to pay a group of swiss scientists to develop hummingbirds insect hybrids that only want to suck the eyeball juice out of your enemies, and sneak in under cover of darkness and set them upon your enemies.
Shay: but how would I transport them Brad?
Shay: that's the snag I keep running into with that plan
Brad: inside balloon,s obviously
Brad: nobody stops a man carrying balloons
Brad: and since they're humminbirds, they can just hover inside
Brad: think!
*Shay smacks his head so hard he dies instantly*
Shay: of course!
Brad: Except the other flaw in your plan is, if people sleep with sunglasses.
Shay: well no one would do that unless they wanted to keep track, keep track of the visions in their eyes.
Brad: Although once they get word that their cohorts in crime are waking up to a eyeball juice sucking proboscis lodged in their seein' holes, they're apt to stop their tomfoolery.
Shay: hmm
Shay: these are valid concerns.
Brad: ...
Brad: you should ... sleep on it
Shay: ...
*Brad plays a lullabye*
*Shay puts on sunglasses over the sunglasses he already has on*
Brad: NO
*Shay says a clever quip and then music by The Who plays*
Brad: that only angers them!
*Brad 's balloons all pop*

Fingernail in the Coffin

Brad: Shay
Brad: do you realize we have new followers on our textellent adventures?
Brad and Shay turn to look at the audience.
Shay : ooh

Shay : well you linked it on Slothfurnace.com
Brad: yes
Brad: and slothfurnace has gotten (checks statistics) 8491269 hits just in January
Shay : wow
Shay : it's almost like we should do another one or something ... sys32592
Brad: Welcome to LaundryLauncher! Please insert 0.75 cents.
Shay : insert coins
Brad: Please enter kind of coins inserted: ________
Shay : doubloons
Brad: You awaken in a large, dilapidated Laundromat. It is dusk outside, and you are alone. Beyond the grimy windows you hear a faint shuffling.
Shay : look
Brad: You see a large, dilapidated Laundromat. Banks of aged, abandoned washing machines sit alone, yearning for the days gone by when they cheerfully accepted peoples dirty clothes into their gaping maws. One machine in particular has it's door opening and closing rhythmically. A heap of clothes below it.
Shay : look clothes
Brad: You stand next to the heap of clothes. Darks and whites, and colors haphazardly mixed together with no regard for color bleed or dingy whites.
Shay : tsk
Shay : sort out whites
Brad: Don't understand "out"
Shay : sort whites
Brad: Son't understand Dort
Shay : look Dort
Brad: You glance at Dort, your biomechanical sidekick. He has been deactivated, and his robotparts removed. He was a good cyborg chum. He will be missed.
Shay : look rhythmically gaping washer
Brad: You bend down to examine the gaping washer.... you hear a kind of mechanical wind. almost a breathing noise as the door opens and closes. The washing machine seems oddly tilted, as if it wasn't installed correctly.
Shay : put whites in machine
Brad: RACISM - BAD - MINUS 45 points
Shay : put white clothes in machine
Brad: You attempt to place colorless clothing into the washing machine.. as you open the door, the washing machine suddenly snorts to life and attempts to bite your hand off. You drop the clothes and scamper away as a whole flock of washing machine monsters wake up and detect your intrusion into their hive. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - AGITATION CYCLE
Shay : look for exit
Brad: Don't understand "For"
Shay : look exit
Brad: You assume the shape of an exit. The hordes of demon appliances escape through you into dimensions unknown.
Shay : look at self
Brad: You have no mirror
Shay : i
Brad: You are carrying: 0.75 cents, A map of DETROIT, two tickets to the county faire, a SKELETON KEY
Shay : shape shift into roboparts
Brad: You cannot do that
Shay : exit through self
Brad: There are demons in there, you don't want to go to there.
Shay : look windows
Brad: You view a shattered dystopia. The streets cluttered with trash and debris. A newspaper outside catches your eye. In 48pt bold Helvetica (above the fold) it reads: "CATASTROPHE!" Below it in 24 pt bold Garamond, the kicker reads: "Full story of how we are doomed below the fold."
Shay : Read story
Brad: The rest of the story is folded underneath the newspaper.
Shay : look
Brad: You stand inside an abandoned Laundromat. One wall of machines gone, the lint and errant coins litter the floor where they once stood. The walls bare except for the windows you are looking through and the doorway clearly marked EXIT to you left.
Shay : exit
Brad: You easily exit the Laundromat. You are standing in a cluttered street. A newspaper at your feet. A skittering noise turns your head to see some wires and tubing creeping away from you around the corner.
Shay : take newspaper, examine fonts in greater detail
Brad: You regard the font choices, layout and headline design in great admiration. The cool, sharp sans serif leaping of the page into your eyeholes and reminding you of the days when newspapers were read by men and women. The faint aroma of ink sends chills down your spine.
Shay : look hands
Brad: You are holding a newspaper which contains the fate of your people. Why they would stop to make a run of printed news while being wiped out tugs at your brain, but is a mystery for another time.
Shay : drop newspaper, check cleanliness of hands
Brad: You drop the newspaper, as it falls to the ground it shatters into dust, as it was extremely old. Your hands are perfectly clean, no OIL or harm is present.
Shay : check fingernails
Brad: Your fingernails are all missing.
Shay : scream
Brad: As you lift your head to scream, you realize screaming would only alert predators to your location. And that's exactly what they're expecting.
Shay : listen
Brad: You faintly hear the sounds of a carnival merry go round off in the distance to the WEST. You also hear the rumblings of the DEMON WASHING MACHINES forever banished to your insides.
Shay : w
Brad: You have voted for George W. Bush. Welcome to the GOP
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - TIMETRAVELINGVOTER
Shay : undo
Shay : undoundoundoundoundo
Shay : go west
Brad: *Processing undos. NOVOTEFORW / VOTEFORW / NOVOTEFORW / VOTEFORW / NOVOTEFORW / VOTEFORW / - Result... you have VOTED FOR W.
Shay : press TURBO button
Brad: You now enjoy the scent of cake.
Shay : release the demonic washing machines
Brad: You release the imprisoned washing machine monsters. They encircle you, regarding your "I Voted For Dubya" wardrobe. Collectively they decide you should be torn asunder for your opinionated political display, and your lack of adherence to constitutional law, which prohibits time travel voting. As you mildly protest being eaten by washing machines, a parade of possessed household appliances wanders by singing in the "49th annual extinction of humans day parade"
Brad: You have died
Brad: Score: 482 Score Tax: 15%. Total Score: 86
Shay : check fingernails
Brad: With your last effort, you watch your fingernails at the controls of the foremost parade float. They have done this. They are the reason for the season. Game Over.
Shay : wow
Brad: Bet you didn't see that coming.
Shay : so is that, like, an allegory? a cautionary tale? about the danger of giving too much control to presidents, and/or fingernails?
Brad: Obviously your fingernails took over the world in 2012, and ushered in the rise of sentient evil household appliances.
Shay : because of their cunning use of fonts, which they used to distract the people from both the oncoming machine uprising and peoples' evolved abilities to turn into exits.
Brad: It's essentially a tale of two cities meets Alias Smith and Jones.
Brad: had you figured out that you were only holding 3/4 of a penny the whole time, you might have survived
Shay : ah, of course, it was so obvious.
Brad: But yeah, you lost anyway.

First-Person Adventure

Shay:       if you like platformers, especially hard platformers
Shay:       play Super Meat Boy
Shay:       just an FYI
Brad:   Your mom likes to play super meatboy, but it's not a platformer
Shay:       it's not hard either.
Brad:   ohsnap
Brad:   I see what you did there.com
Brad:   wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Brad:   oops
Brad:   I was pressing W to go forward
Brad:   .... in this chat window.  Doesn't work
Shay:       You are in a grassy meadow. You are holding a wooden pickaxe. There is a cube sun in the sky above you. Before you is tree, a pig, and an infinite plane of random mountains.
Brad:   dig hole
Brad:   in pig
Shay:    don't understand "dig". or "in".
Brad:   harvest sweet sweet bacon
Shay:    don't understand "harvest"
Brad:   taste bacon
Shay:    don't understand "taste"
Brad:   load bacon
Shay:    don't understand "load". HINT: This game only accepts standard FPS commands.
Brad:   right click
Shay:    you hit the pig with your pickaxe. it squeals and dies. bacon lies directly before you.
Brad:   left click
Shay:    you collect the bacon.
Shay:    the cubic sun moves slightly lower towards the horizon
Brad:   w
Shay:    you move 1 foot north.
Brad:   wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Shay:    you move 5 feet north. a tree is now before you
Brad:   ddddwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwddddwwwaawwwssssss
Brad:   spacebar
Brad:   sssssssssssssssa
Shay:    you move 4 ft east, 15 ft north, 4 more ft east, and jump off a mountain
Shay:    you have died
Shay:    the cubist sun sinks a bit lower.
Brad:   esc
Shay:    select option: respawn, adjust sound, adjust graphics, load new level, load multiplayer
Brad:   X
Shay:    nothing happens.
Brad:   ctrl alt del
Shay:    here are your running processes: GTalk.exe, IQpierce.exe, Photoshop.exe
Brad:   iqpierce.exe
Shay:    what do you want to do to IQpierce.exe?
Brad:   kill process
Shay is now offline.
Brad: Shay?
Shay is currently offline. Your messages will not be received.
Brad: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!
Shay is currently offline. Your messages will not be received.

The Gravy Yard

Shay: I wonder if people at the state fair have made friend creamed corn.
Brad: ...
Shay: fried creamed corn
Shay: not friend
Brad: yes
Shay: that n makes a big difference.
Brad: hahah yes it does
Shay: could be good though
Brad: I tell you, my idea of a chain of fastfood joints that only sell fair food is one of my better ideas
Brad: it would make million
Shay: I don't think most people want that year round, also remember that people successfully sued McDonalds for a lot of money
Brad: those two things aren't related
Brad: NONSEQUITUR
Shay: your customers will all die
Brad: but I will have all their sweet sweet cash
Brad: now THAT is the best slogan I have ever heard
Brad: "Welcome to Fair Food. Our customers will all die."
Shay: It's the new "I'm Lovin' It".
Brad: "I'm Dyin from it"
Shay: haha
Shay: "I'm Luggin' It"
Brad: The kids behind the counter have to wear grim reaper outfits
Shay: so the people sitting behind me are now talking about fried butter from the fair
Shay: this is weird
Shay: totally a coincidence, I didn't incite this conversation at all.
Brad: it is the shining
Shay: now they devised something called a "Meat Pillow"
Shay: which would have "Beef Curtains" on the side... and now their conversation is officially out of HR-approved territory
Brad: This is almost as good as my mall foodcourt restaurant idea
Brad: The GravyYard
Brad: it's a halloween themed condiment kiosk.
Shay: well you can combine these man
Shay: call your fair food restaurant The Gravy Yard; have them also serve gravy-heavy items, and wear grim reaper outfits
Shay: and use the slogan "Die Happy."
Shay: I think we have a solid concept here.
Brad: ...Fried Gravy
Brad: OMF'nG FRIED GRAVY
Shay: oh man
Shay: all right you have to make that now, and release it at the fair, and WIN THE FAIR.
Shay: man
Shay: my mouth is watering right now
Brad: You dip your fried gravy in buckets of steak
Shay: hahahahahaha
Brad: or, meatbuckets
Shay: steak sauce
Shay: ...sauce made of pureed steak!
Brad: You must now salivate
Shay: Oh I'm there
Brad: ...fried gravy.
Shay: it's genius, Brad.
Brad: I am a ninja of nom

X-Men Onited

Brad: one of the guys at lunch was nicknamed "fingers"
Brad: An animator
Shay: hmm
Brad: I don't know what.
Shay: they're these things on the end of your handstumps
Brad: why
Shay: that's what.
Shay: I don't know why we have them though, they just get chopped off
Shay: no matter what I do
Brad: what if your fingers grew like beaverteeth? And you were always having to gnaw the ends off
Shay: I think they do
Brad: oh, fingernails, right
Shay: you have those right?
Brad: somewhat
Shay: ...
Brad: but they're metal, like in that movie
Shay: X-Men 3?
Brad: and my blood is acid
Brad: no
Brad: alien resurrection
Shay: oh, right
Brad: They didn't even make an X-men 3
Shay: yes they did
Brad: so who's to say? there could be metalfingernailman in that movie
Shay: there was an angel in it, and some naked chick
Brad: that's #2
Shay: I was thinking of X-Men 2, it had a metalfingerwoman in it
Brad: xmen united
Brad: that's the wolverine movie
Brad: completely different
Shay: you either totally have these movies confused, or are trying to confuse me
Brad: Looks like it's time to prove you wrong again
Shay: in #2 Wolverine fights another admantium chick, she has long fingernails like his claws
Shay: in #3 there's the angel guy and the kid who robs people of their powers
Shay: and I've never seen the Wolverine movie but the girl with fingernails... probably isn't in it
Shay: Liev Schreiber is though, everyone told me I look exactly like him in that movie
Brad: In #2, there's an onion monster with a thirst for liquid blood, and in #3, they take a trip to the merry christmas.
Shay: hahaha
Shay: why specify liquid blood?
Brad: I didn't write it
Shay: hahahahahaha

Meat a?

Brad suggested, as he often does, that I am incorrect in pronouncing the prefix "meta" as "MAY-ta".

Shay: http://www.htmlcodetutorial.com/document/index_tagsupp_14.html
Shay: "It turns out there are three common pronunciations: METT-uh, MAY-tuh, and MEE-tuh. Interestingly, many people feel that "their" way is the "right way" (that's human nature for you) and have never heard anyone pronounce it differently. In the end, any of the three is as correct as the others."
Shay: see, everyone is equally right
Shay: except the people saying MEE-tuh, who are clearly idiots.
Shay: or just hungry
Shay: ...for meat.
Brad: That's like how the indians had the perception that their god was a wolf who turned into an indian.
Shay: not really though
Brad: Shay, it's the fact that perception taints reality
Brad: If you observe an indian, it dies.
Brad: It's the heisenberg uncertainty principle
Shay: also I think this mythology you're quoting is from Twilight
Shay: except for the quantum mechanics part.
Brad: I haven't ever seen the movie twilight
Brad: If you pass an indian through a bose-einstein condensate, you can slow down light enough to sparkle a vampire.
Shay: now it all makes sense.

Adventure #-1: Adventure Textellent Shay's and Brad

Brad: Score 1,300
Shay: Yay!
Brad: Achievements unlocked - 8
Brad: LEVEL UP
Shay: I'm so good at this!
Shay: What am I doing?
Brad: You have died
Shay: :O
Brad: You are being eaten by slugs
Shay: my corpse stands up
Brad: You have fallen into a pit of slugs
Shay: my corpse is clumsy.
Brad: Don't understand "backwards"
Shay: ......so this is running backwards?
Brad: To the East is PIT O SLUGS To the West is ALCATRAZ to the North is Magic Kingdom
Shay: look
Brad: You have: Seven dwarven charms, A talisman of eternal seepage, MAGIC ROPE
Shay: eat pineapple upside-down cake; i
Brad: The Pineapple Upside Down Cake has cornered you in the hall of mirrors. It will serve you riddles until your mind breaks. You may not survive.
Shay: e
Brad: You have crossed the river to the east. Further east is the HALL OF MIRRORS. An aged sign says "Beware of Pineapple Upside Down Cake"
Shay: take talisman of internal inconsistency; e
Brad: You have shunned his people for the last time. The leprechaun haberdasher offers you a talisman of internal incontinence.
Shay: shun leprechauns
Brad: You have defeated the evil slug overlord. The leprechaun people have been freed, but at a heavy cost. Your now loyal subjects pledge their undying loyalty and as many wishes as you can use in your lifetime.
Shay: wait!
Brad: Offended, the evil Slug Overlord lunges at you with tentacles and howitzer legs,, certain doom is upon you as you remember what your uncle once told you about evil slug overlords. "You gotta just wait for them to trip on their shoelaces. They never tie their shoes"
Shay: man.. this is kinda painful...
Brad: The slug overlord offers you a dainty cake made of leavened bread and frosting as a symbol of peace and friendship. "I am sure this will ease your pain."
Brad: Don't understand "confused "
Shay: ... I'm confused by all this, but at least I know I'm not going to die at the end!
Brad: Invalid name. You have died. Your corpse is resurrected in the oppressed leprechaun village. The slug overlord gazes upon you in a threatening way. He stoops down and offers you a plate of something tasty.
Shay: what
Brad: CHOOSE NAME
Shay: am I alive?
Shay: ????
Brad: INSERT QUESTION MARKS
Brad: WELCOME TO LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE
Shay: you hurt my head sometimes, Brad.
Brad: It's what I do

(If you want to read this adventure in reverse order, here go just.)

Non-Chigger Bugs

Brad: I solved my lightsaber switch problem
Shay: what was the problem?
Brad: there wasn't a switch.
Shay: haha
Shay: that is a problem
Shay: sometimes I think that, in game development, we shouldn't have both task management software and a bug tracker
Shay: we should just have a bug tracker... and one top-priority bug that is, "Game doesn't work."
Brad: I once added "Marshall must wash brad's truck" to the deliverables list to be submitted to the publisher
Brad: it got approved and sent back
Brad: Marshall never did wash my truck
Shay: haha
Shay: I once opened a bug that said: "BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR", and assigned it to Seth.
Brad: bwaha
Shay: Oh, and after Star Wars: Episode 2 came out, I opened a bug titled "C-3P0 Doesn't Remember the Homestead"
Brad: Hahaha
Shay: Details: "In Episode II, we see C-3PO at the Lars Family homestead on Tatooine. In Episode IV he returns to it and seems to have no memory of it. You need to resolve this." Assigned to Seth.
Shay: There was a lot of discussion and theorizing on the bug.
Shay: 2 years later, after Episode III came out and they wiped C-3P0's memory at the end of it, I closed the bug.
Brad: What were the repro steps?
Shay: 1. watch episode II; 2. watch episode IV; 3. ???; 4. profit!
Shay: there may have been a step missing there.
Brad: The step where Lucas goes slowly insane for Ewoks?
Shay: heh

Out of honks [feat. Marshall]

Brad: It is.... friday. Did you get your chicken wings?
Brad: They had a trough of them here at work.
Brad: Prolly a thousand wings. To eat.
Marshall: no. I had chipotle with the boss instead
Brad: Bruce Springsteen?
Marshall: that would have been cool
Marshall: Except I'd be buggin him the whole time to sing me some "BORNNNN IN THE USAAAA"
Marshall: and while he was doin that I'd go through his stuff
Brad: You'd think eventually he'd just not be able to anymore.
Marshall: yeah I think that happens to all of us
Brad: Much like the horn in my truck stopped working. It was just... out of honks after 10 years.
Marshall: haha
Marshall: you spent em all
Marshall: I'm savin mine
Brad: They're an investment
Brad: I need to buy more honks.
Marshall: hahah
Brad: Act now while there's still time, 100 honks for you and friends!
Marshall Womack: i hate acting
Brad: Acting?
Brad: Like, in a play?
Brad: or like "I didn't just eat the last pile of spaghetti"
Marshall: yes.
Marshall: no.
Marshall: you've asked me to "act now"
Marshall: and I wont
Brad: Oh
Brad: You're trying to beat me at my own literal game. Touche.

Ambiguity

Shay: http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/6950/
Shay: of course guys at work have just been doing this using lego pieces
Shay: they have a nice Shy Guy from SMB2, and a little Mario from SMB1
Brad: That's cool
Brad: I have a ton of legos.. I should make some vintage chars.
Shay: make mega man, and quick man
Brad: I think I'll take my time with it
Brad: I don't like getting in a hurry
Shay: hahahahahaha

On a warm summer's evening, on a train bound for THE FUTURE

Shay: you know I can't ignore a challenge
Shay: that's why I get totally addicted to games
Brad: I challenge you to lick the sun.
Shay: I'll be right back
Sent at 3:26 PM on Wednesday
Brad: Shay?
Sent at 3:39 PM on Wednesday
Brad: ok, stop trying to lick the sun. it is impossible
Shay: give me a minute or two more
Brad: No, the time has come to lock S foils in attack position.
Shay: if S stands for Sunlicker, I agree.
Brad: Sunlicker.
Brad: Good band name
Shay: yeah
Brad: How bout this: KENNY ROGERS PRESENTS
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CLAW 2
Brad: INSERT POKER
Shay: I...
Shay: .......how did you know I love Kenny Rogers...
Brad: I read your file.
Shay: if I play this game, will I actually get to...
Shay: 1) do something
Shay: 2) meet Kenny Rogers?
Shay: 3) LICK Kenny Rogers?
Brad: 1)yes, 2)no
Brad: 3)
Brad: MAYBE
Shay: ...
Shay: open fireplace; take poker; insert poker
Brad: You insert poker deep into your chest, YOU HAVE DIED
Shay: !
Brad: THE GAMBLER'S CURSE IS UPON YE
Shay: look gambler
Brad: Somewhere in the distance, the gambler, he broke even.
Brad: Score 12.
Brad: KENNY ROGERS LICKED: 0
Brad: You did earn one credit if you want to play again
Shay: ...what's the high score on number of Kenny Rogers licked?
Brad: MONKETBOY has achieved 1,439 LICKS
Shay: ...
Shay: insert credit
Brad: CREDIT DENIED
Shay: ...
Brad: Ellipsis Accepted as credit.
Shay: what
Brad: You have ONE LIFE TO LIVE
Shay: sweet
Brad: YOU MUST CHOOSE - ALL MY CHILDREN's HOSPITAL, REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS, MILLENIUM FALCON CREST
Shay: which one of these has kenny
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR: Don't understand KENNY
Shay: which one of these has
Brad: REMINGTON STEELE MAGNOLIAS
Shay: weird parser.
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED SECRET LEVEL
Shay: look
Brad: You are in VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL.
Brad: To the NORTH is FOOD COURT
Brad: To the SOUTH is DAINTY OBJECTS
Brad: To the WEST is SLEEPY HOBO
Brad: To the OTHER WEST is CASH REGISTER
Shay: go north; look kenny rogers' roasters
Brad: You enter the FOOD COURT. The BURGER KING resides on his THRONE. The loyal subjects dance for his pleasures. You inquire as to the whereabouts of KENNY ROASTER. No one knows how to speak your language.
Shay: look throne
Brad: THE BURGER KING resides on it. It is constructed of vinyl LPs and yeti pelts. On the floor is a UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying: KENNY ROGERS, A LOCKED ANTI LICKING FACEMASK, a FLASHLIGHT, PIPE CLEANERS.
Shay: !
Brad: You empty your inventory on the ground.
Brad: Except for your facemask.
Shay: upside-down i?
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR
Shay: look kenny rogers
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has been malnourished and beaten unconscious. He wears a beaver suit, and may have at one time been GAMBLING.
Shay: take translator, ask burger king to feed beloved kenny
Shay: ...also lick kenny
Brad: You take the Translator, and communicate your desires to feed KENNY ROGERS. The Fiefdom of Fast Food furnishes French Fries and Fudge. You are unable to LICK KENNY.
Shay: look mask
Brad: Your mask is on you, it's difficult to look at it, though you feel as if ALL LICKING MANEUVRES HAVE BEEN HAMPRED BY YON METAL MASK. KENNY ROGERS seems to be recovering.
Shay: go south
Brad: You venture SOUTH to VICTORIA'S SECRET LEVEL. A sleeping HOBO lounges at the doorway.
Shay: look hobo
Brad: HE SLEEPS!!!! He seems to have a KEYRING in his pocket amidst the half eaten CINNABONS crammed into every pocket he claims in his pocketdom.
Shay: take keyring, cinnabons
Brad: You begin to remove the KEYRING from HOBO. He awakens and asks you what you are doing.
Shay: explain that I am taking a keyring from him in hopes that it will unlock the facemask that prevents me from achieving my inexplicable lifelong dream of licking kenny rogers
Brad: DON"T UNDERSTAND "THAT"
Brad: GRAMMER FOUL! -14 points
Shay: kill hobo
Brad: You wrench the life from the poor HOBO. His keys and cinnabons fall about the bloodstained corpse.
Shay: loot hobo
Shay: take wrench
Brad: HOBO contains: Entrails, HOBO PELT, LETTER signed K.R., Keys, Cinnabons.
Shay: read letter
Brad: The Letter reads: Dear Brother Fred, I hate to hear you're down on your luck. Hopefully as you wander the plains and malls, you'll find yourself out there. I do know one thing, we Rogers' are always longing for Cinnabons. I know you took a bad turn when you lost your TV show, but I am here to tell you the public loves you. Take care of yourself, and keep these keys. There will be a man come one day, wild haired old scientist, or a boy, asking about this almanac. That day comes, you shoot him.
Brad: Love, Kenny.
Brad: REALIZATION UNLOCKED
Shay: weep over corpse of Mr. Rogers
Brad: YOU HAVE UNLOCKED :GAMERTAG: WINTER OF DISCONTENT - Kill Mr. Rogers
Brad: HONOR -122
Shay: take keys, cinnabons, wrench
Brad: Don't Understand WRENCH
Shay: n
Brad: You approach the FOOD COURT
Brad: THE BURGER KING has fallen asleep, your Inventory remains on the floor. KENNY ROGERS is awakening
Shay: use keys on mask
Brad: You scrape the mask with the keys until it falls apart from extreme scratching.
Brad: MINUS 18 POINTS - DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY
Shay: ask kenny about licking
Brad: KENNY says you have to KNOW WHEN TO HOLD EM.
Shay: and?
Brad: AND WHEN TO FOLD EM
Brad: When to walk away...
Shay: what about licking?
Brad: AND WHEN TO HAVE SKIN THAT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS ROTISSERIE CHICKEN
Brad: KENNY ROGERS has gone insane
Shay: lick kenny
Brad: You like kenny.
Shay: ...LICK kenny
Brad: Don't understand ...L
Shay: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE
Brad: Rage points +12
Brad: KENNY ROGERS levels a pistol at you. YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE COME BACK HERE, BOY.
Brad: NOW GO BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Brad: KENNY ROGERS Kills you
Shay: KENNY ROGERS IS NOT IN BACK TO THE FUTURE
Brad: SYNTAX ERROR -
Shay: WHY ARE WE YELLING
Brad: KENNY ROGERSES LICKED - 0
Brad: Score - 9
Brad: Yelling bonus - 19
Brad: Total Score - Green.
Shay: ...All right that was pretty good

The Leavingening, Part 5

Brad: This is the best game I have ever seen
Brad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MqvIHxkQo
Shay: never played it, but heard about it
Brad: You heard about a game called seaman about a snarky anthropomorphised bass?
Shay: yeah, I thought everyone knew about this game
Shay: pretty sure it was a launch title for dreamcast
Brad: More like nightmarecast
Shay: it's so weird
Brad: That thing is creepypalooza
Shay: yeah
Shay: it's like that psychologist game
Brad: Oh, super Freud brothers?
Brad: Where you psychoanalyze yourself as a clone twin while rescuing your mother from a post-hypnotic couch?
Shay: http://www.manifestation.com/neurotoys/eliza.php3
Shay: Eliza
Brad: I see.
Shay: Don't you even say Hello?
Brad: Yes, now you are eaten by chiggers.
Brad: Shay -1200
Brad: Achievements unlocked - Eliza Says Hi
Shay: WE ARE NOT PLAYING A GAME
Brad: Unicorn droppings recovered - 14
Brad: PLEASE INSERT COIN
Shay is now offline
Brad: Dang
This user isn't online!

The Leavingening, Part 4

Brad: Do you have red dead redemption?
Shay: nope
Shay: I don't have time for games
Brad: Do you have time to play : : DAWSON'S CREEK MASSACRE : :
Brad: ?
Shay: ...okay that actually sounds kinda fun
Shay: BUT I will not be tempted! you're just going to screw with my head and then kill me without letting me do anything!
Brad: No.
Brad: i... wont
Shay: you're lying.
Brad: CURSES
Brad: >>>poof<<<

The Leavingening, Part 3

Brad: Would you like to play
::: DUNGEONS AND DUNGEONS :::
:::HERE THERE BE NO DRAGONS::
:: INSERT DRAGONS :::
Shay: I'm good, thanks.
Brad: How bout ::::: SMALL WONDER HOME REPAIR SET ::::
Shay: ...

The Leavingening, Part 2

Shay: you feel asleep.
Brad: I do feel asleep
Shay: uh oh, the truck have started to move!
Shay: such a good game
Brad: what game
Shay: Metal Gear
Shay: for the NES
Brad: pff
Brad: never played it
Shay: we played it with my next-door-neighbor many many days
Brad: Did you use your mouth?
Shay: ...no
Brad: Will you play :::: NIGHT GOLF MOUTH EDITION?:::: INSERT TOKEN
Shay: ..........no.
Brad: What about :::GANDALF COOKING CHAMPION::::
Brad: INSERT TOLKIEN
Shay: ...I'm allergic to eating wizard.
Shay: ...Just... stop man
Shay: you're not going to bring it back

The Leavingening

Brad: :::::: KILLTRON the UNICORN::::::
:::::::: a Bradleycorp game© :::::::::
:::::::: INSERT COIN :::::::::::
Shay: /me inserts a penny
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: /me inserts a sovereign
Brad: INSUFFICIENT CREDIT
Shay: The sovereign was a king.
Brad: YOUR CREDIT SCORE IS TOO LOW TO PLAY THIS GAME
Brad: Check Equifax for your free credit report
Brad: CHOOSE CREDIT OR DEBIT
Shay: /me makes out a check for $800 and inserts it.
Brad: :::VERIFYING FUNDS::::
Brad: COngratulations! You have donated $2,301 to the Friends of BP Rotary club.
Shay: /me hits ESC furiously
Brad: Your name will appear on the plaque set adrift at sea in honor of BP and its illustrious drilling campaign
Brad: PLEASE CHOOSE SEAGULL ANGER
Shay: unicorn
Brad: SYNTAZ EROR.
Brad: You are adrift at sea. There is oil to the W. To the east is OIL
Brad: to the north is THE AMERICA
Brad: to the south is ROBOCUBA
Shay: look oil
Brad: You cast your gaze towards the glistening black slick approaching your vessel. It is from the depths unknown, and seems to have a mind of its own
Shay: i
Brad: You have in your unicorn pockets: Unicorn balm, a satchel full of thousands of dollars, a shovel
Shay: look boat
Brad: Your small seagoing craft is small, made of rubber, it resembles a donut. It's probably an innertube. Complete with patch on side.
Shay: paddle north
Brad: You use your shovel to paddle north, leaving the incoming oil slick to wave at you, sadly, as though you had never met. You were like two hummingbirds, who also never met. You come to an invisible wall, as if the game designers didn't put pathfinding polys here. You see a badly mapped texture, and wonder what environment artist built out this level.
Shay: look texture
Brad: It is a poorly mapped TGA of water. This section doesn't tile well. Next to it you see a periscope looking at you.
Shay: look periscope
Brad: it looks at you
Shay: wink at periscope
Shay: suggestively
Brad: the periscope winks back, and suddenly your craft is lifted high out of the water by ROBOMARINE, an inhabitant of ROBOCUBA. You and ROBOMARINE( a giant robot submarine) have now agreed to a first date in his homeland of ROBOCUBA. and are swiftly making your way SOUTH.
Brad: You, being a unicorn, have never had such an honor.
Shay: look robomarine
Brad: ROBOMARINE is a giant nuclear submarine with childlike drawings of unicorns on it. He is making swift his crossing of the ocean, pulling OIL along with him in his vast wake. The friction of the submarine on the water creates many sparks, and soon you both are engulfed in FLAMES.
Shay: enter robomarine, yell "dive"
Brad: You clumsily enter ROBOMARINE. The dank interior hasn't been inhabited since ROBOMARINE gained consciousness and eradicated its crew. the remains still manning their posts. ROBOMARINE dives, with the hatch open.
Brad: Your means of escape quickly becoming a watery tomb
Shay: close hatch
Brad: You manage to close the hatch, but only after ROBOMARINE is half full of water and BURNING OIL.
Shay: apply unicorn salve to burning oil
Brad: DON'T UNDERSTAND SALVE
Shay: hit burning oil with shovel
Brad: You manage to spread burning oil all over your shovel, and splatter it on the walls, and your face, and the smell of fried unicorn begins to make you hungry. FOR YOURSELF
Brad: THUD
Brad: You and robomarine hit the beach of ROBOCUBA,
Shay: open hatch
Brad: outside, the beach is littered with fire extinguishers and lollipops. the hatch has been MELTED CLOSED
Brad: you are quickly running out of air
Shay: puncture hull with horn
Brad: You breach the hull with your horn. It leaves an air sized hole. The BURNING OIL STILL CLINGING TO YOUR BODY
Brad: The fresh air now makes haste to feed the flames of OIL
Shay: widen hole, escape onto beach
Brad: Don't understand ONTO
Shay: widen hole
Brad: You work with your horn to widen the hole, the more air rushing in, the more BURNING happens. However, you do manage to eventually, boringly, widen t he hole enough to escape ROBOMARINE
Brad: You spill out onto the BEACH
Shay: stop, drop, roll
Brad: You roll around on top of the piles of FIRE EXTINGUISHERS littering the beach. The fire consumes most of your flesh
Shay: use fire extinguisher on self
Brad: You try the extinguisher, they're all EMPTY WHAT A CRUEL JOKE I HAVE PL... um. They do not work.
Shay: i
Brad: You have, A satchel of burned dollars, a shovel, MASSIVE 5thDEGREE BURNS, BURNING OIL, a small magical pendant.
Shay: look pendant
Brad: As you look at your pendant, transfixed by it's beauty, an army of chiggers, summoned to the beach by your frantic flailing on the fire extinguishers, suddenly attack the freshly cooked unicorn meat encasing your self
Shay: use pendant
Brad: You use the PENDANT OF ETERNAL BOWEL OBSTRUCTION!
Shay: all right, that's it
Shay: Brad... I'm not playing your games anymore.
Brad: Why???
Brad: I kept trying to kill you off
Shay: EXACTLY!
Shay: I don't get to do anything! Your games are just elaborate torture chambers where I flail around for your twisted amusement!
Brad: AHhhhhh.
Brad: ok
Brad: See, I was under the impression that's what we were doing
Shay: So, I'm sorry... I'm breaking up the band
Brad: What? No!!!
Shay: I'm sorry... Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventures are on hold... indefinitely
Brad: Wait no no no
Shay: Sorry man, just... sorry
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay come back
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay
Brad: Shay?

TO BE CONTINUED

Announcing the Snuggler

Shay: hi Brad, how are you doing?
Brad: Oh, doin fine.
Brad: Everytime I see the class "smuggler" anywhere in this game I fight the urge to rename it to "snuggler"
Shay: haha
Shay: oh so you just announced that there's a Smuggler class
Shay: sweet, I'm just gonna email kotaku about that real fast
Brad: That was already announced
Shay: no, you just announced it
Shay: [If I get you to go google for "Smuggler announced", I earn 5 points]
Shay: [If I get you to email the PR department saying "oh crap I think I may have screwed up", I get 25 points]
Brad: 5 points towards what exactly?
Shay: towards my own enjoyment of my life.
Shay: do you remember honkfishing?
Brad: Yes, I do
Shay: I would set off my car alarm remotely when someone was walking past it in the parking lot
Shay: If I got someone to actually jump and startle, I got 20 points
Shay: if someone completely ignored it, I got -5 points
Shay: if someone looked straight towards the office window and gave me the finger, I got -20 points... Billy S. caused me to lose those 20 points once
Shay: and if the victim was a hot realtor chick, I got a x2 modifier!
Brad: Again, towards what end?
Brad: I think your habit of arbitrarily awarding yourself "points" is a indicator of a deep-seated need to "program" your own life, somehow realizing a self determined destiny.
Shay: I like making games, and playing games
Shay: everyone makes games though
Brad: Not everyone
Shay: when they're children they do. when they grow up they die inside.
Brad: I don't think so
Shay: "Okay you're the robber and I'm the cop, but this is the jail here, but that's RobberLand over in Mrs. McCreedy's yard and that's the safe zone for you..."
Brad: Who is Mrs. McCreedy?
Shay: she had good cookies.
Brad: she sounds like a predator
Shay: well, she was a raptor actually.
Shay: but still... good cookies
Brad: Does she lure the children there with candies and gifts?
Shay: raptor gifts
Shay: mostly eggs
Brad: Raptors in the Kitchen - best band name ever
Brad: from Jurassic park
Shay: good one
Brad: Also, Tractordactyl
Shay: if you and I ever start a game company together, it will be Tractordactyl Games.
Brad: I can see the logo now
Shay: I see it too.
Shay: the logo will be a radish.
Brad: You are looking the wrong way
Brad: Also get out of my mind.
Shay: sorry, I'm radishhungry.
Brad: Is that like rabies, or the zombie?

[At this point Shay's mouth opened slightly and uttered a syllable that sounded like "wha". This was followed by his head exploding, leaving the conversation unfinished.]