Monday, October 12, 2009

Adventure #18: Shay is a burning thing... and he makes... well, you know.

Shay: sys 360150
Brad: Welcome Pilgrim, to Brad and Shay's WESTERN CATACLYSM APOCOLYPSE. Please enter your name.
Shay: goingtoameetingbbs
Shay: C
Brad: You have chosen CEL SHADED. You have been rendered two dimensional and the wind blows you away like the tumblin TUMBLEWEEDS. You get caught on a singing CACTUS, and its quills puncture your vectorized body. You have died.
Brad: Score -5
Brad: Amazing western treasures discovered 0
Shay: was that our shortest game ever, or our longest game ever?
Brad: Yes.
Brad: You should have chosen John Wayne as your character likeness.
Shay: sys 204820
Brad: Game crash. Try again tomorrow
Shay: (sobs)
Brad: Your tears short out the keyboard of your vintage Commodore 64 Game console. You are electrocuted, and are found the next day by your cleaning lady.
Brad: Score -239
Brad: Post Mortem Embarassment +43
Shay: look screen
Brad: You are dead.
Shay: turn off screen
Shay: john wayne
Brad: You have arrived at the saloon "WHISKEYTOOTH SUMMER REVIVAL"
Brad: A two dimensional being catches your eye as it is whisked away by WIND.
Shay: look saloon
Brad: There is a man leaning on a post.
Shay: look man
Brad: He is known by some as INCREDULOUS BART. He nods at you, acknowledging your COWBOY HAT OF FIRE.
Shay: nod back, enter saloon dramatically
Brad: SWAGGER +6
Brad: You enter the saloon, all music, dancing, card playing, saloonery stops. The inhabitants eye you as if you have just walked in from the out of doors. Somewhere in the distance, a two dimensional being begins leaking on a cactus.
Shay: stamp loudly up to bar, jingling spurs, order glass of firewater
Brad: The barkeep cannot do that.
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The barkeep is sourly dressed, unhappily attempting to tend bar with a SEVERE AILMENT OF ARMS -2.
Shay: i
Brad: You empty your pockets onto the bar. You have been carrying: 11 trained scorpions, ERROR PASTE, Two Barkeeper Arms. As the arms flop onto the bar, the SALOONERY activity stops almost into the negative. INCREDULOUS BART rushes in and in a slow motion extraveganza of intense action, accuses you of ARMED ROBBERY. The Barkeep blames you for stealing his arms. The crowd slowly turns menacing.
Shay: squint at bart
Brad: You squint at Bart. FLAMES erupt out of your eyeholes and reduce BART to a heap of ash and disappointment. You instantly feel awash in regret, for you never had a chance to know BART. You were like two butterflies who had also never gotten a chance to know each other. REPUTATION WITH SALOON CROWD REDUCED BY 3,000
Shay: check reputations
Shay: look saloon crowd
Brad: You cast your gaze upon the saloon crowd. In the back, hiding amongst the grubby ilk, a fair maiden watcheth.
Brad: You might see better if you squint. It is smoky in here
Shay: squint at maiden
Brad: You watch hopelessly as FLAMES FROM YOUR EYEHOLES incinerate the fair maiden and most of the Saloon crowd in the area
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The poor BARKEEP ERUPTS IN FIRE. A smoldering heap of armless ash coalesces before you. You have unlocked the achievement: PANICHANDLER
Shay: close eyes
Brad: Your eyelids ERUPT IN FLAMES. Health -89
Shay: claw out eyes
Brad: You attempt to claw your eyes out, but YOUR HANDS ARE NOW MELTING FROM THE FIRE. You apologize to the people you have slain with your heat vision. They cannot hear you. They are slain.
Shay: claw out eyes with barkeep arms
Brad: You have some difficulty picking up BARKEEP ARMS with burned bloody nubs.
Shay: toss head, remove FIREHAT
Brad: You remove your own head, tossing it in the corner. As it rolls to a stop, your gaze settles on your body, the full force of HEATVISION slowly melting your body to ash. You have died.
Brad: Score 630
Shay: ...i didn't mean "toss head" in that way
Brad: Don't understand "mean"

Friday, October 2, 2009

Adventure #17: The Ol' Switcharoo

Shay: sys 378204
Brad: Greetings, Traveller, you have entered the CATACOMBS OF THE INVISIBLE SWORDSMEN
Brad: The year is 1873, you have been drafted by the militia of the red handed scalawags, to search out the lost remains of the mysterious CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE
Shay: look swordsmen
Brad: You cannot. They be invisible
Shay: i
Brad: You carry with you a: Empty duffel bag; matches; bubbletape; malfunctioning TIMEPANTS; A rusty key
Shay: look clawhammer of fortitude
Brad: It is not here
Shay: chew bubbletape, look
Brad: You tear off a piece of the bubbletape. Chicken flavor. You glance around the catacombs. To the North is a section of catacombs that has caved in. To the South is the entrance to the catacombs. To the East is COAT CHECK STATION. To the West is RADAR COMMAND.
Shay: get bored with this game
Brad: You have died of boredom.
Shay: !
Brad: Score -29
Brad: Secrets Uncovered 0 or 56
Shay: 56
Brad: Secrets uncovered 56
Shay: You have uncovered 56 secrets. One of them particularly catches your eye; it is a GLASS OF TIMEJUICE.
Shay: A grue enters the room.
Brad: Examine timejuice
Shay: It is blue, you can clearly see bits of time floating in it. Pulsating.
Brad: Add an L to the Grue
Shay: LGrue says "'Ello governor. Would you like a carrot? I gots me some mighty fine carrots from the Rabbit King, sho' 'nuff'
Shay: "And thank ye kindly for the L m'lord"
Brad: Respect LGrue
Shay: LGrue taps two fingers to his chest. "Word to ya motha homie. RESPECT back at cha." He has given you EIGHTEEN GOLDEN CARROTS.
Brad: i
Shay: You fall to the ground under the weight of the carrots.
Brad: Inventory
Shay: You are carrying: 18 golden carrots; a crushed egg; a shattered crystal ball; a wrinkled treasure map; a great deal of impatience
Brad: L
Brad: LOOK
Shay: You are lying on the ground in front of Lgrue. To the west is a grue village. To the north is a Talking Mountain. To the south is a sign that says "Wrong way. Talking mountain is to the northing." To the east is a sign that says, "Dude, seriously... Talking Mountain north of here. For reals."
Brad: Gather signs
Shay: Don't understand gather
Brad: get signs
Shay: Don't understand signs
Brad: Get Jiggy Widdit
Shay: Don't understand why you're not going to the talking mountain right now.
Brad: North
Shay: You fall into a pit and die.
Shay: Secrets found: 1,280 of 5,270
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Pit Faller!
Brad: drink timejuice on the way down
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Timetravelled! You find yourself standing before Solomon the King. Two ladies are arguing over you on either side, each claiming you are their child. Solomon has just grasped his sword. If you say "WAIT I AM NOT A BABY", turn to page 55. If you try to wrest the sword from solomon's hand, turn to page 1,794. If you drink more timejuice, turn to page 478.
Brad: 478
Shay: That page is stuck to page #479.
Shay: With peanut butter. You are a sloppy eater!
Brad: Read cover of book
Shay: The cover of the book reads "ANGRY HENRY'S FANTASTIC ADVENTURES THROUGH TIME SEARCHING FOR THE LOST SHARDS OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S FALSE TEETH: PART 47: The Return of Lieutenant McSaucyPants. By Brad Lewis and Shay Pierce, as told to Leonard Nimoy."
Shay: "A Choose-Your-Own-Text-Adventure Book."
Brad: Rate book 3 stars
Shay: You click on the 3 stars button. "Thank you for rating this book!"
Brad: up up down down left right left right B A Start
Shay: You turn the book in several directions, BAH at it, and start reading on a random page. It is page 270. "You are standing on the grassy knoll, holding a gun in your hand. The handsome man's car is proceeding down the street. If you shoot him, turn to page 271. If you create a temporal anomaly, turn to page 0."
Brad: 0
Shay: You turn to page 0 to find a black hole. You and your collection of lightsabers are being pulled into the black hole.
Shay: Your wife enters the room. "What in the sam hill is going on in here? Is that another black hole?"
Brad: Initialize SAM HILL
Shay: You flip the switch on your prototype android SamHill 3000, praying that there is no bugs in his programming. He starts up and says "Hello world!" He gazes about the room. "What in me is that thing? A Black Hole?"
Brad: Ebay black hole
Shay: You put the black hole on eBay but have no bids after two weeks. You receive a private message from user "Shazenmeister" offering you to purchase it for 8 chicken bones if you will throw in your CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE.
Shay: i accept the trade and win the game
Brad: Well played, sir
Shay: Points awarded: 1 million each

Adventure #16: Finger-lickin' good (feat. Marshall)

Marshall: dude
Marshall: I accidentally hit my hot key for array,...
Marshall: and my last array was of 200 instances. oops!
Marshall: all of a sudden I had 200 copies of this mesh all over teh place
Brad: You have discovered: CRASH MAX BUTTON. You have leveled up
Marshall: check button
Brad: It is full of lint, and slightly musty. Perhaps you should wash it sometime.
Marshall: press button
Brad: you feel a pain in your guts.
Marshall: ack
Marshall: check guts
Brad: Your guts have been penetrated by a SPEAR
Marshall: take spear
Brad: You remove the ancient egyptian spear from your guts, the wound healing magically behind it. It is a scale model of CLEOPATRA'S SPEAR.
Marshall: find cleopatra
Brad: You reach for an encyclopedia. You turn to the C section. You are turning the pages when you inflict MASSIVE PAPERCUT -128 DAMAGE on yourself.
Brad: You have 13 health
Marshall: use spear
Brad: You use spear on the papercut, hoping to heal yourself. Unfortuately, there are no instructions on the spear, and you end up severing a finger, and widening the BLOODSPURTING FANDANGO PAPERCUTPALOOZA.
Brad: You have 4 health
Marshall: take finger
Brad: You include your finger in your inventory
Marshall: look around
Brad: You are in a cylindrical room, lined with books. A skylight at the top of the domed roof lets in a tired wisp of sunset. The threadbare rug on the floor seems to conceal a trapdoor at one edge, a single door to the left seems barred shut. A scent of cheese drifts through the room. A MASSIVE POOL OF BLOODY ENCYCLOPEDIA PAGES AND FINGER BITS rest at your feet.
Marshall: lift rug , check out trap door
Brad: You reach down to lift the rug, scattering dust and such into the air, you look at the trap door, longingly, wondering if it would go out with you. Just as you're about to ask for it's number, the trap door drops open underneath you, allowing you free and unrestricted access to the PIT OF DISCOMFORT
Brad: You awaken at the bottom of the pit disoriented and BLEEDING FROM EPIC PAPERCUT and broken elbow
Marshall: scream like a girl
Brad: Your girlish screams echo off the dank mildewy walls.
Marshall: check health
Brad: Your health is 0.03
Marshall: eat severed finger
Brad: You eat your finger, and it displeases your bowels. The slight stomach discomfort reduces your health by 0.04.
Brad: You have died
Marshall: dang
Brad: Score 825
Brad: Secrets revealed 2.5
Marshall: I was hopign the finger would give me energy
Marshall: if not, I was goign to stab myself with spear
Brad: No, it gave you a slight tummy ache, perhaps if you'd cooked it
Marshall: Im no good at this
Brad: Perhaps you should try "Easy Adventures in Comfort Valley"as a warm up
Marshall: true.