Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Developer Diary #3: Exploration

Brad: thing is, you aren't saying Look Around very often
Brad: so I can't paint a picture of where you are, and entice you into things
Shay: yeah I don't, but that's partly because 90% of the time I look at something, you cause 3 other things to happen
Brad: I mean, an island of dessert? you didn't even look around
Brad: Ah, ok
Shay: heh, yeah, I did want to explore the dessert island a bit more
Shay: I like exploring your weird ideas, it's just hard to when a chigger is jumping out of every broccolibush
Brad: there was a myriad of interesting aspects to DESSERT ISLAND, now reduced to a smoldering crater in the west pacific
Shay: I'll do a better job of exploring your next creation before you destroy it for no reason

Adventure #19: Dessert Island

Shay: I recognize Festivus
Shay: But I don't have a Festivus Pole...
Brad: I gave your mom a festivus pole
Shay: ooooh snap sys 37829032
Brad: Welcome to Shay and Brad's Textellent SPOOKYTOWN Adventure.
Brad: You have been abandoned on a dessert island. There are no eskimos to barter with.
Shay: look eskimo
Brad: There are no Eskimos with which to Barter.
Shay: look esquimaux
Brad: To the East is a lone Esquimaux. He has been frozen solid, a stone visage of his former self, slightly eroded, and marked by pidgeons.
Brad: pigeons
Shay: look pidgeons
Brad: Don't understand pidgeons.
Shay: i
Brad: You wield FLAMING SHOULDERPADS OF VALOR, seven cans of SPAM, an ornate map in a language you do not understand, could be pigeonspeak.
Shay: look pigeon markings
Brad: It appears as though it is a map of the DESSERT ISLAND. The vernacular seems to be a dialect of chickenscratch.
Shay: i meant the pigeon markings on the frozen esquimaux
Brad: Don't understand "the"
Shay: n
Brad: You venture North, precariously close to MERINGUE CLIFF.
Brad: The cool sea breezes tousle your hair as if it was so many cornhusks draping a roundish bowling ball
Shay: sniff cliff
Brad: MERINGUE CLIFF smells of pies and nostalgia, it could be eaten, or shoveled away. There appears a DARK SHAPE underneath
Shay: look dark shape
Brad: It's a dark shape alright, dark and shapey.
Brad: perhaps you should uncover it, and touch it
Shay: eat meringue in direction of dark shape
Brad: You engage mouth parts and attack the MERINGUE CLIFF with the vigor of a dutch stable boy. As you near the DARK SHAPE, you realize it's none other than an ACME HOLE-O-MATIC black circle. These are used to put holes in the sides of walls, the floor, etc. in CARTOONS>
Shay: take hole-o-matic
Brad: you pry up t he HOLE-O-MATIC and carefully roll it up and stow it in your BAG OF HOLDING. Unfortunately the infinite bag of holding reacts poorly with the HOLE O MATIC and produces an unstable FICTIONAL SINGULARITY.
Brad: You are faced with a TEMPORAL PARADOX SUNDAE
Shay: add meringue to sundae
Brad: With great skill, you apply the remaining MERINGUE to the SUNDAE. with a loud POP and fizzle, the miniature black hole is appeased and you are left alone on DESSERT ISLAND NORTH SHORE AND TAXIDERMY STATION with no bag of holding and no HOLE-O-MATIC
Shay: eat sundae
Brad: You consume the SUNDAE. You have gained I SCREAM HEADACHE
Shay: scream
Brad: You scream a scream of a thousand screams. Your voice shredding your vocal cords like a shredder going through vocal cords and old bills. As your wailing voice echoes out through the DESSERT ISLAND, you notice a rustling in the BROCCOLIBUSHES
Shay: look broccolibushes
Brad: The BROCCOLIBUSHES seem out of place on a DESSERT ISLAND, a weathered sign post peeks out from the bush, some faint letters in ENGLISH are written hence.
Shay: look sign
Shay: throw can of spam into broccolibushes
Brad: As you reach for your can of SPAM, the BROCCOLIBUSHES dance and shimmy, and part forcibly as a GIANT CHIGGER leapeth forth in a growling attack.
Shay: throw can of spam into chigger
Brad: Your girly throw lands 3 feet from you, and the GIANT CHIGGER pounces on your beginning a chew session that will probably end your life.
Brad: As you are being chewed, you notice that the SIGN has been toppled over to the other side, and it reads " HA IT WAS A TRAP, no one takes the time to write out AUUUGGHGHHHHHH. Who would do that anyway, also, while you are reading this, you're probably being chewed to death by Frank the GIANT CHIGGER"
Shay: look Frank
Brad: You use your eyes to percieve FRANK THE GIANT CHIGGER as he is chewing your leg off. He is large, chigger shaped and is wearing a mechanic's shirt with "paul" on the name tag.
Shay: pray to chigger gods
Brad: The chigger gods do not exist, but your pious display pleases FRANK. He stops chewing your leg, though it is terminally damaged. You now have -1 leg.
Shay: ask frank his name
Brad: As you ask FRANK his name, a METEORITE hits DESSERT ISLAND. You and your new friend FRANK are reduced to atoms.
Brad: You are dead
Brad: Score 819
Brad: Achievements unlocked 9
Brad: Fancy ponies resqued - 0
Shay: view achievements
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Hamburger helper
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Iraddiated Dating
Brad: SECRET - made for a man, but strong enough for you
Shay: check spelling of rescued, pigeons, and eskimo
Brad: Syntaz Eror.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Adventure #18: Shay is a burning thing... and he makes... well, you know.

Shay: sys 360150
Brad: Welcome Pilgrim, to Brad and Shay's WESTERN CATACLYSM APOCOLYPSE. Please enter your name.
Shay: goingtoameetingbbs
Shay: C
Brad: You have chosen CEL SHADED. You have been rendered two dimensional and the wind blows you away like the tumblin TUMBLEWEEDS. You get caught on a singing CACTUS, and its quills puncture your vectorized body. You have died.
Brad: Score -5
Brad: Amazing western treasures discovered 0
Shay: was that our shortest game ever, or our longest game ever?
Brad: Yes.
Brad: You should have chosen John Wayne as your character likeness.
Shay: sys 204820
Brad: Game crash. Try again tomorrow
Shay: (sobs)
Brad: Your tears short out the keyboard of your vintage Commodore 64 Game console. You are electrocuted, and are found the next day by your cleaning lady.
Brad: Score -239
Brad: Post Mortem Embarassment +43
Shay: look screen
Brad: You are dead.
Shay: turn off screen
Shay: john wayne
Brad: You have arrived at the saloon "WHISKEYTOOTH SUMMER REVIVAL"
Brad: A two dimensional being catches your eye as it is whisked away by WIND.
Shay: look saloon
Brad: There is a man leaning on a post.
Shay: look man
Brad: He is known by some as INCREDULOUS BART. He nods at you, acknowledging your COWBOY HAT OF FIRE.
Shay: nod back, enter saloon dramatically
Brad: SWAGGER +6
Brad: You enter the saloon, all music, dancing, card playing, saloonery stops. The inhabitants eye you as if you have just walked in from the out of doors. Somewhere in the distance, a two dimensional being begins leaking on a cactus.
Shay: stamp loudly up to bar, jingling spurs, order glass of firewater
Brad: The barkeep cannot do that.
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The barkeep is sourly dressed, unhappily attempting to tend bar with a SEVERE AILMENT OF ARMS -2.
Shay: i
Brad: You empty your pockets onto the bar. You have been carrying: 11 trained scorpions, ERROR PASTE, Two Barkeeper Arms. As the arms flop onto the bar, the SALOONERY activity stops almost into the negative. INCREDULOUS BART rushes in and in a slow motion extraveganza of intense action, accuses you of ARMED ROBBERY. The Barkeep blames you for stealing his arms. The crowd slowly turns menacing.
Shay: squint at bart
Brad: You squint at Bart. FLAMES erupt out of your eyeholes and reduce BART to a heap of ash and disappointment. You instantly feel awash in regret, for you never had a chance to know BART. You were like two butterflies who had also never gotten a chance to know each other. REPUTATION WITH SALOON CROWD REDUCED BY 3,000
Shay: check reputations
Shay: look saloon crowd
Brad: You cast your gaze upon the saloon crowd. In the back, hiding amongst the grubby ilk, a fair maiden watcheth.
Brad: You might see better if you squint. It is smoky in here
Shay: squint at maiden
Brad: You watch hopelessly as FLAMES FROM YOUR EYEHOLES incinerate the fair maiden and most of the Saloon crowd in the area
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The poor BARKEEP ERUPTS IN FIRE. A smoldering heap of armless ash coalesces before you. You have unlocked the achievement: PANICHANDLER
Shay: close eyes
Brad: Your eyelids ERUPT IN FLAMES. Health -89
Shay: claw out eyes
Brad: You attempt to claw your eyes out, but YOUR HANDS ARE NOW MELTING FROM THE FIRE. You apologize to the people you have slain with your heat vision. They cannot hear you. They are slain.
Shay: claw out eyes with barkeep arms
Brad: You have some difficulty picking up BARKEEP ARMS with burned bloody nubs.
Shay: toss head, remove FIREHAT
Brad: You remove your own head, tossing it in the corner. As it rolls to a stop, your gaze settles on your body, the full force of HEATVISION slowly melting your body to ash. You have died.
Brad: Score 630
Shay: ...i didn't mean "toss head" in that way
Brad: Don't understand "mean"

Friday, October 2, 2009

Adventure #17: The Ol' Switcharoo

Shay: sys 378204
Brad: Greetings, Traveller, you have entered the CATACOMBS OF THE INVISIBLE SWORDSMEN
Brad: The year is 1873, you have been drafted by the militia of the red handed scalawags, to search out the lost remains of the mysterious CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE
Shay: look swordsmen
Brad: You cannot. They be invisible
Shay: i
Brad: You carry with you a: Empty duffel bag; matches; bubbletape; malfunctioning TIMEPANTS; A rusty key
Shay: look clawhammer of fortitude
Brad: It is not here
Shay: chew bubbletape, look
Brad: You tear off a piece of the bubbletape. Chicken flavor. You glance around the catacombs. To the North is a section of catacombs that has caved in. To the South is the entrance to the catacombs. To the East is COAT CHECK STATION. To the West is RADAR COMMAND.
Shay: get bored with this game
Brad: You have died of boredom.
Shay: !
Brad: Score -29
Brad: Secrets Uncovered 0 or 56
Shay: 56
Brad: Secrets uncovered 56
Shay: You have uncovered 56 secrets. One of them particularly catches your eye; it is a GLASS OF TIMEJUICE.
Shay: A grue enters the room.
Brad: Examine timejuice
Shay: It is blue, you can clearly see bits of time floating in it. Pulsating.
Brad: Add an L to the Grue
Shay: LGrue says "'Ello governor. Would you like a carrot? I gots me some mighty fine carrots from the Rabbit King, sho' 'nuff'
Shay: "And thank ye kindly for the L m'lord"
Brad: Respect LGrue
Shay: LGrue taps two fingers to his chest. "Word to ya motha homie. RESPECT back at cha." He has given you EIGHTEEN GOLDEN CARROTS.
Brad: i
Shay: You fall to the ground under the weight of the carrots.
Brad: Inventory
Shay: You are carrying: 18 golden carrots; a crushed egg; a shattered crystal ball; a wrinkled treasure map; a great deal of impatience
Brad: L
Brad: LOOK
Shay: You are lying on the ground in front of Lgrue. To the west is a grue village. To the north is a Talking Mountain. To the south is a sign that says "Wrong way. Talking mountain is to the northing." To the east is a sign that says, "Dude, seriously... Talking Mountain north of here. For reals."
Brad: Gather signs
Shay: Don't understand gather
Brad: get signs
Shay: Don't understand signs
Brad: Get Jiggy Widdit
Shay: Don't understand why you're not going to the talking mountain right now.
Brad: North
Shay: You fall into a pit and die.
Shay: Secrets found: 1,280 of 5,270
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Pit Faller!
Brad: drink timejuice on the way down
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Timetravelled! You find yourself standing before Solomon the King. Two ladies are arguing over you on either side, each claiming you are their child. Solomon has just grasped his sword. If you say "WAIT I AM NOT A BABY", turn to page 55. If you try to wrest the sword from solomon's hand, turn to page 1,794. If you drink more timejuice, turn to page 478.
Brad: 478
Shay: That page is stuck to page #479.
Shay: With peanut butter. You are a sloppy eater!
Brad: Read cover of book
Shay: The cover of the book reads "ANGRY HENRY'S FANTASTIC ADVENTURES THROUGH TIME SEARCHING FOR THE LOST SHARDS OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S FALSE TEETH: PART 47: The Return of Lieutenant McSaucyPants. By Brad Lewis and Shay Pierce, as told to Leonard Nimoy."
Shay: "A Choose-Your-Own-Text-Adventure Book."
Brad: Rate book 3 stars
Shay: You click on the 3 stars button. "Thank you for rating this book!"
Brad: up up down down left right left right B A Start
Shay: You turn the book in several directions, BAH at it, and start reading on a random page. It is page 270. "You are standing on the grassy knoll, holding a gun in your hand. The handsome man's car is proceeding down the street. If you shoot him, turn to page 271. If you create a temporal anomaly, turn to page 0."
Brad: 0
Shay: You turn to page 0 to find a black hole. You and your collection of lightsabers are being pulled into the black hole.
Shay: Your wife enters the room. "What in the sam hill is going on in here? Is that another black hole?"
Brad: Initialize SAM HILL
Shay: You flip the switch on your prototype android SamHill 3000, praying that there is no bugs in his programming. He starts up and says "Hello world!" He gazes about the room. "What in me is that thing? A Black Hole?"
Brad: Ebay black hole
Shay: You put the black hole on eBay but have no bids after two weeks. You receive a private message from user "Shazenmeister" offering you to purchase it for 8 chicken bones if you will throw in your CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE.
Shay: i accept the trade and win the game
Brad: Well played, sir
Shay: Points awarded: 1 million each

Adventure #16: Finger-lickin' good (feat. Marshall)

Marshall: dude
Marshall: I accidentally hit my hot key for array,...
Marshall: and my last array was of 200 instances. oops!
Marshall: all of a sudden I had 200 copies of this mesh all over teh place
Brad: You have discovered: CRASH MAX BUTTON. You have leveled up
Marshall: check button
Brad: It is full of lint, and slightly musty. Perhaps you should wash it sometime.
Marshall: press button
Brad: you feel a pain in your guts.
Marshall: ack
Marshall: check guts
Brad: Your guts have been penetrated by a SPEAR
Marshall: take spear
Brad: You remove the ancient egyptian spear from your guts, the wound healing magically behind it. It is a scale model of CLEOPATRA'S SPEAR.
Marshall: find cleopatra
Brad: You reach for an encyclopedia. You turn to the C section. You are turning the pages when you inflict MASSIVE PAPERCUT -128 DAMAGE on yourself.
Brad: You have 13 health
Marshall: use spear
Brad: You use spear on the papercut, hoping to heal yourself. Unfortuately, there are no instructions on the spear, and you end up severing a finger, and widening the BLOODSPURTING FANDANGO PAPERCUTPALOOZA.
Brad: You have 4 health
Marshall: take finger
Brad: You include your finger in your inventory
Marshall: look around
Brad: You are in a cylindrical room, lined with books. A skylight at the top of the domed roof lets in a tired wisp of sunset. The threadbare rug on the floor seems to conceal a trapdoor at one edge, a single door to the left seems barred shut. A scent of cheese drifts through the room. A MASSIVE POOL OF BLOODY ENCYCLOPEDIA PAGES AND FINGER BITS rest at your feet.
Marshall: lift rug , check out trap door
Brad: You reach down to lift the rug, scattering dust and such into the air, you look at the trap door, longingly, wondering if it would go out with you. Just as you're about to ask for it's number, the trap door drops open underneath you, allowing you free and unrestricted access to the PIT OF DISCOMFORT
Brad: You awaken at the bottom of the pit disoriented and BLEEDING FROM EPIC PAPERCUT and broken elbow
Marshall: scream like a girl
Brad: Your girlish screams echo off the dank mildewy walls.
Marshall: check health
Brad: Your health is 0.03
Marshall: eat severed finger
Brad: You eat your finger, and it displeases your bowels. The slight stomach discomfort reduces your health by 0.04.
Brad: You have died
Marshall: dang
Brad: Score 825
Brad: Secrets revealed 2.5
Marshall: I was hopign the finger would give me energy
Marshall: if not, I was goign to stab myself with spear
Brad: No, it gave you a slight tummy ache, perhaps if you'd cooked it
Marshall: Im no good at this
Brad: Perhaps you should try "Easy Adventures in Comfort Valley"as a warm up
Marshall: true.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Adventure #15: Not the best reflexes

Brad: You awaken on a shore.
Shay: look
Brad: Nearby is a fisherman. To the East is a waterfall. To the North is The great plains. To the West is a rapidly approaching steam roller, to the South is CUBA.
Shay: check fisherman
Brad: IT IS A TRAP. "Fake Fisherman Industries proudly welcomes you to this STEAMROLLER SHORE TRAP." As you read the tag on the fisherman, the steamroller begins squishing the bejeezus out of you.
Shay: check steamroller
Brad: STEAMIN' Co. #47 Steamroller, set on kill. Rolling all up ons you.
Shay: i
Brad: You have:Hair Dryer, KNEE ACHE
Brad: ... vast bone damage
Brad: ...progressing up your walking legs
Shay: check bone damage
Brad: Your leg bones are splintered and shredding the painful wounds that were once your grade A walking legs.
Shay: realize what is happening, scream hysterically
Brad: Your screams awaken and summon the CHIGGER ARMY from the underbrush of the nearby field. You can hear them approaching
Shay: beg chiggers for mercy
Brad: They are a merciless lot, and begin feeding on your tender organs.
Shay: check organs
Brad: Your organs are being eaten by chiggers, some are being progressively squished by the STEAMROLLER. You have acquired: INTENSE PAIN AND SHAME
Brad: You have died of dysentery.
Brad: Score 148 out of a possible 7,0000
Brad: power ups accessed, 8
Brad: extra lives - 1
Brad: please insert coin to continue
Brad: 5
Brad: 4
Brad: 3
Brad: 2
Brad: 1
Shay: what
Brad: 0
Shay: dang
Shay: dysentery, didn't see that coming
Brad: No one does
Shay: I think I'm rusty
Brad: No, that's tetanus

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Adventure #1,642: Death by Floyd (feat. Marshall)

Brad: So you like ducks?
Marshall: I do
Marshall: braag gorff
Brad: I have force fed you ducks. You have leveled up
Marshall: :D
Marshall: head north
Brad: To the north is a vast industrial complex, the hazy sky obscuring y our view of the sun, and freeom
Marshall: what is freeom?
Brad: Freedom isn't free. or containing Ds.
Marshall: Head south
Brad: To the South is Old Kentucky Shark's Field of Waffleplants. You encounter Floyd the barber, sitting on a stump, chewing on a torn piece of the canadian flag.
Brad: At his feet is a pile of marbles
Marshall: ask Floyd for a hair cut
Brad: Floyd, suffering from extreme age and "the tremblins" severs your head with his trimmin saw.
Brad: You have died of Floydation.
Brad: Final score 14.
Marshall: : \
Brad: them's the breaks, kid
Marshall: least i didn't pay for the haircut
Brad: you paid with your life
Brad: double burn
Marshall: I got a good deal
Brad: You look fantastic without your head
Marshall: thank you!
Marshall: I mean, ack gargle
Brad: Yes.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Adventure #13: Corrupted Savegame (feat. Dave A.)

Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay’s Textellent Adventure corrupt savegame recovery utility. Please enter desired corrupt savegame in the form of a question.
Dave: What?
Brad: Riddle me this, DAVE, What do you call a mailman who lost his job?
Dave: a man
Brad: you are correct, and have LEVELED UP. Pleace choose your prize: A- EXTRA PANTS, B- SOLID GOLD DIAMONDS, C: UNKNOWN MAP O TREASURE.
Dave: A
Brad: You have been awarded extra pants. They are corduroy, and brown. They smell of mint and have a crackly energy about them.
Dave: the smithsonian made me a sandwich and i soiled my pants, so these mint flavored pantaloons should do the trick
Brad: Don’t understand ‘should’
Brad: You have known the pleasures of TARSDIIL the elder witch god of the plains. You may now summon GODZILLA.
Dave: summon Godzilla
Brad: You summon Godzilla to a tea party. He is angry, but too polite to risk BAD DIPLOMACY. You pass him the KENTUCKY NIGHTMARE WHISKY SHARK. You both are sitting at a pink table.
Dave: bad diplomacy
Brad: You poke GODZILLA in the soft underbelly with a FICUS TREE. You recieve 4000 damage from ANGERBLAST. You have died.
Brad: your score was 18 out of 500.
Brad: Runes uncovered: 12
Dave: damn

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Adventure #12: The Unbedding (feat. Katie)

Katie: sys32272
Brad: Loading
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. You are part of an archaeological exploration team. You are Deep within the caves below NEW YORK. You are in a large cavern, to the east is an ANCIENT DOOR. To the West is an EXCAVATED TOMB. To the North is a pathway leading up to the surface. To the south is a POOL.
Katie: go east
Brad: You stand before the ANCIENT DOOR. It seems to be locked. You lean against it and hear MASSIVE PURRING. On the floor is a KEY and a NOTE
Katie: read note
Katie: put key in door
Brad: You place the key in the door. A rustling sound beyond stops. Your flashlight dims.
Katie: walk toward sound
Brad: You can't do that.
Katie: check flashlight
Brad: It is a LIGHTOFANTASTICO Flashlight. Batteries may be dying, or it might be a literary device used to foreshadow coming SCARY EVENTS.
Katie: check batteries
Brad: batteries have become SELF AWARE. They drop to the floor ninja style, thankful to you for releasing them from their prison, but wary of your giant feet.
Katie: since you won't let me go where i wanna go west
Brad: Syntax Error
Katie: go west
Katie: you stupid computer
Brad: Syntax Error
Katie: go west
Katie: %^&%^@
Brad: Don't understand
Brad: You leave the door with the key in it, almost unlocked but not quite, and travel West to the EXCAVATED TOMB
Katie: no i don't lock door
Katie: lock door go west
Brad: As you walk away from the NEARLY UNLOCKED DOOR, you hear the rustling behind the door begin again, and UNBELIEVABLE PURRING commence. You walk toward the TOMB.
Katie: enter tomb
Brad: You enter the EXCAVATED TOMB of KING RHODODENDRON. You spy a SARCOPHAGUS shaped like a shoe, a GOLDEN GIRAFFE HAT, and an ancient SWORD OF TANGLES
Katie: pick up sword
Brad: You pick up the SWORD. It is heavy and bent.
Katie: pretend to be King Arthur with sword
Brad: Don't understand 'Arthur'
Katie: unbend sword with blacksmith tools
Brad: You haven't any tools
Katie: yes i do, unbed sword
Brad: You unbed the sword, it is sleepy, and grumpy after a long nap.
Katie: unbend!
Brad: syntax error
Katie: use sword
Brad: You bum $3.80 off the sword and convince it to go pick up your dry cleaning. When the sword asks your help moving a shelf, you conveniently are "busy"
Katie: this game is stupid end game
Katie: exit
Katie: MEH I don't like your game
Brad: Your score is 2.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Adventure #11: Introducing Angry Henry

Angry Henry.
Shay: sys327246
Brad: Loading
Shay: this is gonna be so sweet.
Brad: Syntax Error
Brad: You stand before a massive obsidian obelisk. A solitary blinking light blinks at you near a button.
Brad: To the west is FROG VILLAGE
Brad: To the North is OBSIDIAN OBELISK
Brad: To the south is CHARACTER CREATION HUT
Shay: s
Brad: You enter the Character Creation hut. The attendant greets you at the massive armored vault door. Inside the hut is CHARACTER SELECT STATION 7, An employee, a desk, and a waiting area.
Shay: say hello to employee
Brad: The employee's name is Janice.
Shay: say hello to Janice
Brad: Hi Stranger. New to these parts? I see you don't have a body. Would you like to create your Avatar?
Shay: use station
Brad: You waddle your amorpous blobby self up to the CREATIONSTATION. You are welcomed by a bootup screen and a friendly hum. "PLEASE SELCET FORM TEH PHOLLOWING GENDRES" A: Dolphin, B: MALE, C: ANGRYHENRY.
Shay: C
Brad: YOU HAVE CHOSEN ANGRY HENRY. You have achieved "Thanks for choosing Angry Henry" Achievement.
Shay: check achievements
Brad: You have 1 of 32 Achievements.
Shay: i
Brad: You have: AngryHenry body; 1 Underwater hobby kit; Elastic SHoes; Misspent Youth.
Shay: B
Brad: You are now associated with the Asian mafia political party. NOW CHOOSE ANGER LEVEL: A- Saucy but nice to kittens; B- RoadRageFisticuffs; C-HATREDCOPTER
Shay: B
Brad: You sheepishly choose ROADRAGE FISTICUFFS. You eyes fill blood red as your bloodpressure increases to an audible level. You instantly want to pummel JANICE. Janice backs away into the protective cage behind the DESK. YOU MAY NOW CHOOSE SPECIAL ABILITY: 1- RUMMAGE MASTER. 2- FIREJAW, 3- EXPERT FISHERMAN.
Shay: 2
Brad: You lean into the machine as liquid hot magma pours into a mold around your face. You sustain 47 damage and are now FIREJAW CAPABLE. CHARACTER CREATION IS OVEr. please exit the machine.
Shay: check damage
Brad: You have 7 out of 64 health.
Shay: exit machine, scream maniacally
Brad: You exit machine and thus the Creation Hut. You scream through your firejaw part from pain, part from ANGER. It is hard to see through the smoke from your flaming mandible. To the North is a FIDDLE CHALLENGE. to the South is TACO ISLAND. To the east is the back of the CHARACTER HUT. To the West be monsters.
Shay: n
Brad: You approach an enchanted grove. A menacing ROBOT FIDDLE MONSTER sizes you up for the CHALLENGE o DEATH. You may: A- ENTER RING. B- retreat in horror, C: - hey jim, we need a third option here. please get back to work, we need to ship this thing, and the graphics aren't tight enough on level 3. Also, please stop the unending humming. it makes me want to CRIME.
Shay: shriek with fury, A
Brad: As you shriek hard enough to fling flaming teeth toward your adversary, Randy the FIDDLEBOT takes a fighting stance. You enter the ring and a disembodied voice yells "FIGHT" Above you is a health bar, a score counter and a logo. Below you is a pixelated fighting arena. You may choose A, Up Up Down Down Left Right B A Start, or Left left A A Kick.
Brad: You may also choose FLEE
Shay: look logo
Brad: As you stare foolishly up at the logo of "DANGERTOWN ANIME FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP" RANDY THE FIDDLEBACK DINOSPIDER pierces your lungs with his A, A, B, B, Squat, Shimmy, Tickle attack. Blood and guts spew everywhere, getting on the ground, your record collection, the camera, etc.
Shay: A, Up Up Down Down Left Right B A Start
Brad: You have summoned DRAGONPANTS. in a framerate crushing display of particles and post FX, you dismember RANDY into 12 parts. You stand in a crater of your own making, as your FIREJAW is extinguished from the blow. Unfortunately, those 12 parts sprout tiny legs and teeth, and approach you. Licking their chops and sharpened bits, they descend upon you.
Brad: They stop just at the rim of your crater, and yield. You have defeated RANDY. They bestow upon you a BUCKET o GRAVY and a burning in your extremeties.
Shay: drink gravy
Brad: You have some trouble using your hands, but you attempt to drink the gravy. It is thick, and viscous. It is pleasing to your mouth parts. On the inside of the bucket is a message.
Shay: read bucket
Brad: "Do not in any case whatsoever trust RANDY or drink his SWEET GRAVY. It is poison most dire." "P.S. don't look now but your insides are MELTING."
Shay: look now
Brad: You accurately percieve that your wrist bound sundial reads 10:04 PM.
Shay: roar
Brad: A Delorean bursts forth out of nowhere and rolls to a stop. Doc Emmet L Brown steps out of his Time Machine
Shay: attack doc
Brad: You fling your rubbery exoskeleton full of liquified INSERT ADVENTURER NAME HERE guts at Doc. He pokes you with a stick, and you begin to leak your PRECIOUS FLUIDS out over the parched fighting arena.
Brad: DOC retrieves a STRAW from the Delorean.
Brad: DOC Leans down and begins to drink your FLUIDS
Shay: activate roadrage
Brad: As a voice overhead screams "FINISH HIM," you ANGRILY AND WITH MUCH RAGE are sucked up through the straw.
Brad: "DOC WINS"
Brad: You have been defeated.
Brad: Extra life multiplier: -1
Brad: FANCY DRESS ACHIEVEMENT: Pantaloons a plenty
Brad: Final Score: 7
Shay: At least I got to be extremely angry.
Shay: That's the best part about any Angry Henry game.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Adventure #10: Vanilla Ice is a dick (feat. Ryan)

Ryan: SYS32592
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Chiggertrain Dance off 5000.
Brad: The year is 1987. You are part of the last of the manned deep space probes. A freak accident freezes you and your spaceship for 500 years. You return to Earth in the year 1991. Vanilla Ice has freed you.
Brad: To the west is your derelict spacecraft. To the East is Vanilla ice and his army of mutant warriors. To the north is a jungle. To the south is A burning wasteland of broken drum sets and pool cleaning equipment.
Ryan: i
Brad: You have: Spacesuit, Tang, Toy Ray Gun, 7 packets of Ketchup, a sense of bewilderment that VANILLA ICE has survived the holocaust.
Ryan: e
Brad: You approach VANILLA ICE. He is enthroned upon a pile of TARGET SHOPPING CARTS. He regards you with wonder. "Are you the spaceman?" he says.
Ryan: look
Brad: You stand before the throne of VANILLA ICE. To the West is your origin. To the south is a burning wasteland. To the north is JUNGLE. On the ground is a potato.
Ryan: give tang to vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice accepts your tang with trepidation. He challenges you to a TATERMASHIN CONTEST. Do you accept?
Ryan: y
Brad: You and VANILLA ICE compete for hours in the time-tested test of skill and agility. You fend off his advances like a prom date until finally you are outmatched over the last potato. Do you:
   A: Teach him the wonders of cowboys?
   B: Donate scissors to the poor?
   C: Equip yourself with extra teeth?
Ryan: c
Brad: As you fumble with your extra teeth, VANILLA ICE delivers a crushing blow to your guts with the sharp end of the POTATO MASHIN SPEAR. As you kneel before your victor, the blood rushing out of your body, VANILLA ICE Stands over you and shakes his vast head.
Ryan: equip gun
Brad: You equip the toy gun, it's plastic handle and colorful clear plastic insides show a myriad of soft, non threatening pieces.
Ryan: unequip gun
Brad: You cannot. it is SOULBOUND and way too sticky to let go of.
Ryan: use ketchup with potato
Brad: syntax error
Ryan: look vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice stands over you, happy to deliver your demise. He summons his chieftain to bring forth the CHIGGERHATCAGE
Ryan: n
Brad: You attempt to crawl Northward, the direction of the vikings and Birds in Spring. However, you are dying fast, and no amount of "n" is going to stop that. As you are crawling away slowly from the laughing VANILLA ICE, you stumble across a crack in the ground, inside is an iridescent shiny surface. You lean close, to hear the sounds of icecream trucks and happiness. You have discovered Surprisium.... The element of surprise!
Ryan: surprise vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla ice is stunned into submission from utter gutwrenching surprise. The full force of pure Surprisium is brought to bear on the self declared KING OF LEXINGTON, MO. VANILLA ICE begins to melt.
Ryan: drink vanilla ice
Brad: As the last of VANILLA ICE melts , you hear a gurgling "YO WORD TO YOUR BURbleburble burble..." As you drink the 90's rapper's fluids, you realize that it isn't probably safe, as he is most likely considered biological waste even before the meltification. YOU HAVE 1 HEALTH LEFT.
Ryan: induce vomiting
Brad: You grab the nearest STICK and cram it down your throat. This might relieve the fluids from your sickly body, but in the course of inducing vomiting, you have inflicted upon yourself 1.3 damage.
Brad: You have died of stick ingestion.
Brad: score 138 out of 1400
Brad: secrets found: 1 out of 16
Ryan: I don't know why I ever trusted vanilla ice

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Adventure #9: Let's try another game

Shay: Sys32497
Brad: loading
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. UPDATE AVAILABLE. Do you wish to download the 1.02 Patch?
Shay: y
Brad: As the update downloads, a group of libyan immigrants enter your home and pluck out your left eye. They apply a "1.02" patch to you, rendering your face much more pirate like. You are now ready for "PIRATE STOVE"
Shay: look home
Brad: You are seated at your computer desk, pool of drying eye giblets on your keyboard. A map of PIRATE STOVE tacked to the wall.
Brad: To the East is RESTROOM to the west is SHELF OF COLLECTIBLE FIGURINES to the North is COMPUTER to the south is BED
Shay: look map
Brad: The map is tattered and faded, it shows a treasure of BEYOND buried deep within the sands of PIRATE STOVE.
Shay: use computer
Brad: You are already using the computer to play PIRATE STOVE.
Shay: turn off computer
Brad: You reach out and grasp the off switch, with a flick of mighty proportions, you *-------------------------------------------
Shay: look
Brad: ___________
Shay: i
Brad: __________
Shay: jump
Brad: __________
Shay: turn on computer
Brad: C:\
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to TIMETRAVELCOP, the next greatest text based 3d adventure!
Brad: Would you like to:
   A: File report
   B: Get coffee
   C: File report
Shay: A
Brad: As you reach for the report, you notice it's half open. You read about a group of expatriot lybians invading homes and stealing eyeballs, leaving the victims in a state of PIRATESTYLE1000.
Shay: check report date
Brad: The report is dated January 14, 1821.
Brad: 4 AM
Brad: next wednesday
Shay: timehop 1-14-1821
Brad: You cannot do that yet.
Shay: look
Brad: You look about the office... It is drab and cold, as if all joy had bled out into the midsummer night. The ceiling fan slowly turns as light plays across the gentle wood blades. You consider the daffodil, as you wander around the office looking for your TimeHop footies. To the west is a DOOR. To the East is a DESK. To the North is a YETI. To the south is an EQUIPMENT CABINET
Shay: open cabinet
Brad: You yank open the cabinet door. A MUMMY falls out, slumps against you and collapses onto the floor.
Shay: take Hoppintimeboots from mummy
Brad: You remove the hoppintime boots from the Mummy. They fit as if your own.
Shay: timehop 1-14-1821 4am
Brad: You timehop to November 16, 1687. You have no idea how t o use timehoppin footies. You are in a train station. You have appeared in the middle of a brawl between Anchovie farmers and the Proletariat Regime. They both turn on you and immediately resolve their differences by beating the snot out of you. They have you cornered.
Shay: recover snot
Brad: As you reach out in futility for your spent nasal treasure, the mob lifts you up and carries you into the LOCKER ROOM. They deposit your bleeding self into the wooden locker, and promptly lock it. They toss in some peanut butter crackers wrapped in cellophane. You are trapped. The mob pools their money and out of their hatred of you time travelling yankees, purchase a long term storage contract for your locker. You will be allowed to exit said locker in 2014.
Brad: As you expire from your injuries and lack of television, you slowly mummify as your locker is removed some years later and installed in DETECTIVE OFFICE.
Brad: Game over
Brad: Score 28 out of 72
Shay: Dude
Shay: You have blown my mind.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Adventure #8: Dekneed (feat. Marshall)

Brad: You are in a vast warehouse. To the East is the Mexican Space Shuttle. To the west is Camp Hate, to the north is the band GLASS PRISM. To the south is LARRY
Marshall: s
Brad: You approach LARRY the machete wielding albino dwarf. He deknees you. You now stand(sort of) without legs from the knees down.
Marshall: gather legs from ground
Brad: You add your legs to your inventory, among these are TACOS a BAG OF FUNIONS and the color GREEN
Marshall: attach tacos to knees where legs were
Brad: You graft the tacos to your kneesockets. Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling as you have been awarded AMAZING TROPHY SHOVEL SOMBRERO surprise. You have found a secret level. Do you:
   A: Search for pudding
   B: Investigate missing dragon tamer
   C: Scream in pain because you are still losing blood as it trickles over your painfully inadequate taco feet
Marshall: A
Brad: As you walk along on your Taco feet, leaving a trail of seasoned beef and taco stuffins, you grope your way along a stone path, in a stone cave, a light at the end of the tunnel shows you have entered a cavernous cavern. IN the center, on a pedestal is the STATUE OF PUDDING.
Marshall: look at pudding statue
Brad: You examine the statue of pudding, it seems to be a metal figure draped in delicious, delicious pudding. The tasty treat bubbling up out of the top of the statue and globbing down as it passes the base of the pedestal. At the bottom of the statue is a MOOSE ANTLER.
Marshall: eat teh pudding
Brad: you reach out for the pudding but it is protected by a HOVERING KILLCHOPPER named CLAY. Clay asks you to CEASE AND DESIST ALL SQUARE DANCING IMMEDIATELY.
Marshall: ignore clay, since I wasn't dancing. Look for spoon to eat pudding.
Brad: At the base of the statue of pudding is MOOSE ANTLER. Hovering nearby is CLAY KILLCHOPPER. Banjo music wafts nostalgically through the thick swampy air.
Marshall: Take moose antler
Brad: You wrench the ancient MOOSE ANTLER from its perch low atop the throne of pudding. You feel instantly calmer, as the soft fuzzy coating warms your skin.
Marshall: Place funion rings on each point of moose antler, and give to clay
Brad: Don't understand RINGS
Marshall: Eat pudding.
Brad: Clay is angered by your attempts to eat his pudding. He floateth menacingly closer to thee.
Marshall: N
Brad: You hobble North to the precipice. Below is a bottomless pool. There is no lifeguard.
Marshall: call out for larry
Brad: Larry is in Level 1-1. You have been warped to level 7-nivelo.
Marshall: Eat funions
Brad: Your teeth destroy the peaceful funions, eating them, you reflect on the hollowness in your own life long after the loss of your legs. As you finish off the funions, you notice tendrils growing out of your stumpy taco legs. You now have TENTACLEFABULOUS.
Marshall: Rejoice in new tentacle status, and enter pool.
Brad: You dance a merry jig as you leap daintily into the pool. Immediately sinking to depths that should kill you. Your tentacle legs offering no swimming capabilities at all.
Brad: The pressures of the bottomless pool begin to crush your feeble body as you plummet to the center of the earth.
Marshall: Use moose antler
Brad: you use the MOOSE ANTLER to gouge a hole in your neck, releasing your precious life before the torture of being crushed to death by the soft chlorinated pool water destroys your mind.
Brad: You have died.
Brad: Score - 14 out of 76.9
Marshall: Eat pudding
Brad: Ghosts don't eat pudding.
Marshall: :(
Marshall: well I guess that's as good as i should expect
Brad: You did well, young adventurer
Brad: At least I didn't harvest your skin.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Developer's diary #2: a challenger approaches

Background: my friend Ryan has given me feedback on our textellent adventures, some of which did not sit well with Brad.

Shay: I passed some of your feedback on to Brad by the way
Shay: he challenged you to a game
Ryan: yes, I believe I was invited to be killed by chiggers
Shay: you may or may not be killed by chiggers.
Ryan: predicted transcript:
    me: SYS32592
    Brad: loading.......
    Brad: You have been eaten alive by chiggers.
Shay: It would be more like: "Welcome to Brad and Shay's you have been killed by chiggers. Score: -2000 out of -400000."
Ryan: hahaha
Ryan: I can't tell if "you have been killed by chiggers" is the title of the game
Ryan: or if it happened so fast it interrupted the title
Shay: it is a mystery
Ryan: I think both are funny
Ryan: I'll have to take brad up on his offer (to be eaten alive by chiggers)
Shay: I'll pass your acceptance along

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Adventure #7: Victory?

Shay: sys325932
Brad: loading
Brad: Welcome, Traveller, to Brad and Shay's Textellent Adventure. You awaken groggy and disoriented, you are in a trunk or container of some kind. It is quiet, like the inside of a bowling ball hidden deep within the woods.
Shay: i
Brad: You are carrying a goldfish bowl full of pennies, OINTMENT, a Crazylegs Fandango album cover, a screwdriver, and a pocktful of Kryptonite.
Shay: look
Brad: You see the inside of a trunk, or possibly square cave, on one side is a door with a handle, behind you is a window, beyond the window is dirt. Above you is a rope looking thing. Much like a rope.
Shay: pull rope
Brad: You pull the rope, and hold on to it as you are pulled up out of the BURIED METAL BOX. You breathe fresh air with a fervor all your own, as pedestrians wonder why you are dressed much like a 18th century scaliwag. The trap door closes beneath you, and you are left on the street.
Shay: look
Brad: You see a cobblestone pathway meandering alongside a quiet brook. To the east is a fancy hot dog stand. To the West is Danger. To the North is Jim Chuckfield's Monkey Paradise tanning Salon. To the South is East Virginia.
Shay: w
Brad: You travel west over broken glass and burning tires. You come to a solitary figure hovering in the air, rotating slowly. The figure turns to point at you and screams. Daggers fall out of the sky as you run for cover underneath a metal awning. Under the awning is a dwarf named Edmond Ransmurfer...bobbins.. mc... steve.
Shay: look figure
Brad: it is a blackish figure, gaunt and floaty, rotating slowly in the air. a nametag says "Hi My name is LES NESSMAN"
Shay: say hi to Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: ERBM says "hello there, clamshot. Why the heck did you start the dagger rain? You smell like a genius."
Shay: rub ointment on Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve looks at the ointment you have used on him. His expression, hard to read. He slowly reaches into a pocket and reveals a BUS TOKEN and a SALAD FORK. He does not look pleased.
Shay: trade pennies for salad fork
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve takes all your pennies and ingests them, guttering, gasping noises fill the AWNING as he hands you the salad fork. It pulses with energy, or doesn't. You can't tell.
Shay: throw kryptonite at figure
Brad: You produce your KRYPTONITE and lob it at the figure, it sticks to the figure and the figure stops rotating. The figure begins to melt, INTO FLUIDS. After 45 minutes, all that is left of the dark figure is an oily pool of fluids on the ground and a chunk of TAINTED KRYPTONITE. The daggers stop falling.
Shay: look Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve
Brad: Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve is very happy the dagger rain has stopped, although he has a MASSIVE INTERNAL PAIN from ingesting $147 worth of pennies.
Shay: throw Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve at burning tires
Brad: Exhibiting an amazing feat of strength, you lift Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve high over your head, Edmond Ransmurfer Bobbins McSteve wailing in discomfort as you heft his sour mass and heave him through the air at the burning tires. As the smallish man impacts the tires, and begins to melt, you notice the pennies he devoured issuing forth into the air, coin sounds chiming for each one as you notice in the air a point counter ticking up for each penny. You have received 1UP.
Shay: look 1UP
Brad: A glimmering green mushroom sleeps silently in the palm of your hand. He is rendered toon shaded, and anime style. You have an instant desire to either:

Eat him

Place him sofly in your pocket

Tickle his sleepy face
Shay: eat 1UP
Brad: 1UP Screams bloody murder by gum. You eat 1UP and feel the EXTRA LIFE coursing through your veins. You feel invincible at least once.
Shay: look
Brad: You are standing in a small clearing full of daggers, a small pool of MELTED FIGURE. To the East is a cobblestone pathway. To more East is a fancy hot dog stand. To the West is Danger. To the North is Jim Chuckfield's Monkey Paradise tanning Salon. To the South is East Virginia.
Shay: w
Brad: You go west, young man. into DANGER.
Shay: look danger
Brad: You are in a small western town, a sign says "Welcome to DANGER, ILLINOIS. Population: Meh."
Shay: take sign
Brad: You wrench the sign out of the hole with your Seven Arms a'Swingin. As you lift the sign up to wield it, and consider its wooden nature, you suddenly fall down a flight of stairs the has opened up in the dusty street. You arrive at an UNDERGROUND SALOOON.
Shay: wield sign
Brad: You hold aloft the mighty SIGN OF DANGER. a moldy voice full of smoke and wonder echoes out of the UNDERGROUND SALOON. "are you a god?"
Shay: say yes
Brad: You say yes. Gozer the shapeshifting god of destruction walks out, high fives you, and asks if you want to "get out of here." You and Gozer get along fairly well as long as you keep the sign of DANGER with you, and you two kids settle down in the suburbs of ATLANTA, raise some kids, and live happily ever after.
Brad: Game over
Brad: Score 1400 out of 7.
Shay: I finally won one!!!
Brad: That you did.
Brad: Way to go
Shay: Wait, what gender is Gozer again?
Brad: The wrong one.
Shay: :O