Adventure #10: Vanilla Ice is a dick (feat. Ryan)

Ryan: SYS32592
Brad: Loading.....
Brad: Welcome to Brad and Shay's Chiggertrain Dance off 5000.
Brad: The year is 1987. You are part of the last of the manned deep space probes. A freak accident freezes you and your spaceship for 500 years. You return to Earth in the year 1991. Vanilla Ice has freed you.
Brad: To the west is your derelict spacecraft. To the East is Vanilla ice and his army of mutant warriors. To the north is a jungle. To the south is A burning wasteland of broken drum sets and pool cleaning equipment.
Ryan: i
Brad: You have: Spacesuit, Tang, Toy Ray Gun, 7 packets of Ketchup, a sense of bewilderment that VANILLA ICE has survived the holocaust.
Ryan: e
Brad: You approach VANILLA ICE. He is enthroned upon a pile of TARGET SHOPPING CARTS. He regards you with wonder. "Are you the spaceman?" he says.
Ryan: look
Brad: You stand before the throne of VANILLA ICE. To the West is your origin. To the south is a burning wasteland. To the north is JUNGLE. On the ground is a potato.
Ryan: give tang to vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice accepts your tang with trepidation. He challenges you to a TATERMASHIN CONTEST. Do you accept?
Ryan: y
Brad: You and VANILLA ICE compete for hours in the time-tested test of skill and agility. You fend off his advances like a prom date until finally you are outmatched over the last potato. Do you:
   A: Teach him the wonders of cowboys?
   B: Donate scissors to the poor?
   C: Equip yourself with extra teeth?
Ryan: c
Brad: As you fumble with your extra teeth, VANILLA ICE delivers a crushing blow to your guts with the sharp end of the POTATO MASHIN SPEAR. As you kneel before your victor, the blood rushing out of your body, VANILLA ICE Stands over you and shakes his vast head.
Ryan: equip gun
Brad: You equip the toy gun, it's plastic handle and colorful clear plastic insides show a myriad of soft, non threatening pieces.
Ryan: unequip gun
Brad: You cannot. it is SOULBOUND and way too sticky to let go of.
Ryan: use ketchup with potato
Brad: syntax error
Ryan: look vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla Ice stands over you, happy to deliver your demise. He summons his chieftain to bring forth the CHIGGERHATCAGE
Ryan: n
Brad: You attempt to crawl Northward, the direction of the vikings and Birds in Spring. However, you are dying fast, and no amount of "n" is going to stop that. As you are crawling away slowly from the laughing VANILLA ICE, you stumble across a crack in the ground, inside is an iridescent shiny surface. You lean close, to hear the sounds of icecream trucks and happiness. You have discovered Surprisium.... The element of surprise!
Brad: YOU HAVE LEVELED UP
Ryan: surprise vanilla ice
Brad: Vanilla ice is stunned into submission from utter gutwrenching surprise. The full force of pure Surprisium is brought to bear on the self declared KING OF LEXINGTON, MO. VANILLA ICE begins to melt.
Ryan: drink vanilla ice
Brad: As the last of VANILLA ICE melts , you hear a gurgling "YO WORD TO YOUR BURbleburble burble..." As you drink the 90's rapper's fluids, you realize that it isn't probably safe, as he is most likely considered biological waste even before the meltification. YOU HAVE 1 HEALTH LEFT.
Ryan: induce vomiting
Brad: You grab the nearest STICK and cram it down your throat. This might relieve the fluids from your sickly body, but in the course of inducing vomiting, you have inflicted upon yourself 1.3 damage.
Brad: You have died of stick ingestion.
Brad: score 138 out of 1400
Brad: secrets found: 1 out of 16
Ryan: I don't know why I ever trusted vanilla ice