Monday, December 29, 2008

Adventure #6: Inversion

Brad: SYS32592
Shay: loading.......
Shay: Welcome to Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventure!
Shay: You are standing in a marsh, surrounded by bog. Before you is a mailbox painted fuschia. To the north is a winding road. To the east is a bog. To the south is two bogs. To the west is a raptor village.
Brad: i
Shay: You are holding: a letter from your long-lost illegitimate son; a watermelon; a rusty knife; and a pink stuffed bunny for some reason.
Brad: Dance Jig
Shay: You dance a merry jig, attracting the attention of several raptors to the west
Brad: Take Mailbox
Shay: The mailbox is deeply rooted in the ground, but your mutant arm is able to yank it from the earth. You wield it threateningly at the raptors, which now surround you. Their glasses and hats glint in the light of their torches. "HE'S A WITCH!" they shriek.
Brad: Hug Raptors
Shay: The raptor hillbillies are touched by your display of friendliness. After conferring briefly, they agree to only devour your bewitched right arm. As they gobble it down, the mailbox falls to the ground and a package falls out of it.
Shay: The raptors move off to the west.
Brad: cauterize wound, wave g'day to raptors, open package
Shay: Out of the package hops FRED the pot-bellied pig and world-class high-fiver.
Shay: "I can help thee in thy search for thy illegitimate son... but thou must first answer my riddle: what is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Brad: Eat Fred
Shay: Without warning, you body-slam Fred, instantly crushing every bone in his innocent pig body. As you messily devour him, you find the Key of the Frozen North in his intestines. You have contracted salmonella. You have lost favor with Porkins the god of Pigs. You have gained favor with Gorgo, god of gluttony.
Brad: enhance relationship with Gorgo, Take Key, Create intestine golem.
Shay: You gorge yourself on pig meat in a disgusting display of excess. With the power granted you by the glutton lord, you use FRED's intestines to create SAM the intestine golem. "Wot business today, guv'nah?" asks Sam, with a tip of his fleshy hat.
Brad: look
Shay: The raptors in the village to the west are having a square dance. To the north is a path. Sam the intestine creature is here. "Blimey! Wot we doin' guv'nah?" he says.
Brad: N
Shay: You arrive at an infinite wall. Before the gate stands Jay the Knife Ghost. Sam looks upon him haughtily. "Don't care fer the look of that character none at all, guv'nah!"
Brad: invert sam
Shay: Sam happily inverts himself. "Crikey! G'day mate!" he says. Jay gazes upon these antics humorlessly, sharpening his blades in silence.
Brad: use inverted sam
Shay: You bum $5 off Sam. He feels used. You gain favor with SPONGOR, god of deadbeats.
Brad: confuse Jay
Shay: You hypnotize Jay; he becomes convinced you are a pincushion. As you lie bleeding on the ground, you hear Sam tell Jay, "Crikey, I never liked that bloke anyway!"
Shay: You awake in VALHALLA. Before you are Gorgon, Porkins, and Spongor. Porkins gazes upon you with great wrath in his divine porcine visage.
Brad: consider LASIK surgery
Shay: As you ponder the non sequitir of eye lasers, you recognize Spongor as your long-lost illegitimate son, now ascended to godly form. Unfortunately your reunion with him is cut short, as even he and Gorgo together cannot restrain PORKINS as he devours you. You will spend eternity being digested by a pig. How ironic.
Shay: Score: 2,000,678 out of 5 trillion.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Developer's diary #1: cruelty

Shay: after reading this last one with Jeremy through, I think you're a cruel, sadistic little man.
Brad: hahahaha
Brad: what, making him die just outside the gates of a happy fair with puppies?
Shay: yeah, you need to learn to restrain your power
Shay: it's going to your head i think
Brad: I will try
Brad: you told me to kill him off...
Shay: there's killing off, and then there's him suffering an agonizing death while being berated by an omnipotent persecutor for not combing trees
Brad: I am cracking up

Adventure #5: Eyeballs and suffering (feat. Jeremy)

Jeremy: Load
Brad: ....................................................
Brad: ..........
Brad: .
Jeremy: look
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure. You stand in a clearing, knee deep in orange mist. To the North is a CAVE. To the south is SEVEN MAIDS a MILKING. To the East is a Legendary Lake. To the west is RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Jeremy: s
Brad: You approach SEVEN MAIDS a MILKING, but the path is blocked by a pile of basketballs, and a troll with a glass eye, who voted libertarian in the last election. He is very guarded about his name.
Jeremy: ask about glass eye
Brad: "You may not ask me questions until you find my name. These basketballs will attack on command!"
Brad: "Attack" yells BOSCO the troll, as nothing happens, since basketballs are inanimate objects and their magical abilities only exist in his mind.
Jeremy: Pickup basketball
Brad: A SPALDING basketball, ordinary in every way. Something is inside, however. and rattles as if it were a fish made of metal and cheese.
Jeremy: Throw basketball at BOSCO
Brad: Don't understand 'At'
Jeremy: Hit BOSCO with Basketball
Brad: Bosco goes down in flames, his glass eye rolls out of his thudded skull and stops at your feet, looking up and slightly to the left.
Jeremy: pickup eye
Brad: It's warm and soggy, and feels magical.
Jeremy: use eye
Brad: You grab the nearest stick and gouge your left eye out, painfully crying tears of blood and agony as you watch the stick remove the last bits of your once perfectly functional left eye. You insert the glass eye in your socket and begin to feel strange, as if you can see normal out of your right eye, and in 1970s disco fantastic vision© in your left eye.
Jeremy: look
Brad: You are on a path, a pile of Basketballs to the South, to the north, is PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair. To the East are trees, to the west are Trees. In your left eye is INFECTION.
Jeremy: take basketball
Jeremy: e
Brad: You take one basketball and walk East. into several trees, banging your head on the thick woollen bark.
Brad: the way is clogged with vines and undergrowth, and littered with the remains of travelers and salesmen.
Jeremy: look woollen
Brad: The thick shaggy hide of the trees flow in the breeze. You have a strong desire to comb the trees. On the ground is Mr. ActionComb 2000. To the West is the path. In your left eye is MORE INFECTION.
Jeremy: hold eye
Jeremy: w
Brad: You remove your bloodied glass eye, a sickening TWOCK sound echoes through the great wooly trees. Obviously you don't care to comb the trees, and they are miffed at you. You travel back towards the path. A pile of Basketballs to the South, to the north, is PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair. To the East are trees, to the west are Trees. In your left eye socket is an UNGODLY AMOUNT OF INFECTION.
Jeremy: n
Brad: You make your way North, occasionally stumbling, losing your concentration due to the UNHOLY MASSIVE AMOUNT OF BODILY FLUID TAINTING INFECTION taking up residence inside the left half of your stubborn "i don't want to comb the trees" head. As you reach the entry gate of PLANETFUNTIME AMAZING GIRAFFE Job fair, you beging to suffer greatly from dizziness, lack of speech, and begin to hallucinate tastes and smells such as: Moss, Tabletop Varnish, and sheetrock dust. You stand at the gate and realize you have no ticket. On the other side of the gate is a sign.
Jeremy: read sign
Brad: The words, blurried and barely coherent due to INTENSE BLOOD LOSS FROM INFECTION AND TOENAIL SMOLDERING PAIN FROM GAPING WOUND IN HEAD, reads: "Tickets available in the trees, comb them gently for extra FUNTIME happy ticket amazing." You have 14 seconds to live before your body convulses and liquefies.
Jeremy: sit down
Jeremy: close eye
Brad: You sit, barely aware of the decay coursing through your veins. Children and puppies and happy people avoid you on their way to the Job Fair. You close your one good eye, as the last thing you see is a basket full of LOWFAT ANTI INFECTION OINTMENT SALVE in the crook of a woolen tree. The tree ominously acknowledges your fate, and will tell his poker buddies how "The man who wouldn't comb us" died sputtering.
Brad: The Chiggers won't even eat your OMGINFECTIONPALOOZA body.
Brad: Game over.
Jeremy: From heaven above: *smile*
Brad: Unfortunately you have been sent to tree heaven, and have been made a COMBINGSLAVE level 1.
Brad: There are no smiles in tree heaven.

Adventure #4: Don't sign off (feat. Jeremy)

Jeremy: system 359234
Brad: You wake up in a cave. To the north is a hospital, to the south is The valley of Crondium. To the East is a band of merry men. To the west is DENVER.
Jeremy: n
Brad: You approach the hospital, it is painted an odd color of green and lime green, with avocado accents. You enter the lobby and notice it is abandoned. Gurneys and cold war era medical equipment gather dust. In the corner is a flickering television monitor. Underneath the dust is some kind of image.
Jeremy: wipe dust
Brad: The dust. It clings to your body like spores... your central nervous system begins to succumb to the dust spore invasion, the image on the monitor is visible finally, perhaps it's a warning you should read?
*** "Jeremy" signed off at Tue Dec 23 15:09 2008.
Brad: ...
*** "Jeremy" signed on at Tue Dec 23 15:11 2008.
Brad: the dust is still invading your body.
Jeremy: read warning
*** "Jeremy" signed off at Tue Dec 23 15:12 2008.
*** "Jeremy" signed on at Tue Dec 23 15:19 2008.
Brad: You quickly look at the warning... "DON'T TOUCH THE DUST"
Brad: A shadow falls across you, and the biggest chigger you have ever seen begins eating you.
Jeremy: Wipe dust off hands
Brad: You have been eaten by chiggers. Game over.
Jeremy: Wow walk away from the laptop and you lose the game in a few turns..
Brad: Don't understand "off" which doesn't matter... you're dead anyway
Jeremy: Score
Brad: 1.894 out of 1429

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Adventure #3: Hints are pouty

Shay: sys 32592
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure.
Brad: loading....
Brad: ...
Brad: ..
Brad: ....
Brad: ..
Brad: You stand in an empty shipping container, the door slightly ajar. To the east is the opening, on the floor is a jar.
Shay: look in jar
Brad: Inside the jar is bait
Shay: e
Brad: You exit the shipping container, you come out into the pouring rain. It's hard to see where you are, it could be Memphis, or a train station. To t he north is a foggy expanse of walkable area, to the south is a giant wall of tires, to the west is the shipping container, to the west is a cave.
Brad: to the west is some grass
Brad: to the west is a young man
Shay: look young man
Brad: The man is in his early 20s, standing on top of a shiny disc. He seems worried about a kind of Canadian hockey team.
Shay: tell young man hello
Brad: don't understand man
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello you say, as the young man melts into fluids. His shiny disk gleams in the rain.
Shay: look fluids
Brad: The fluids you seek have washed away
Shay: look disk
Brad: The disk left behind by Waldo the melted man has intricate writings and logos and trademark information etched into it's glowy, gleaming, glowing surface. It seems easy enough to step on, almost as if it wants you to be melted upon its comfortable looking to stand on surface.
Brad: It's probably made in china
Shay: s
Brad: You approach the giant wall of tires in disgust, as you left the disc behind and the jar of bait as well, without picking them up. The tires lean back and forth menacingly. Beyond the tires is a magical looking land where the sun is shining forth through the tires. The rain still pouring on your side of the tires, begins to get colder.
Shay: take tire
Brad: You take one solitary tire, its normal mapped contours and specular highlights glinting in the dynamic lighting from beyond. A complex material of trickling water cascades across its surface. You regard these next gen graphics with awe and wonder.
Brad: The rest of the tires collapse, opening the way south
Brad: To the south is a sunlit land, to the north is rain,
Shay: n
Brad: you arrive back at the shipping container, you notice it's empty, save for a jar of bait. And a new inhabitant. FIDEL CASTRO.
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: The disc is West
Shay: w
Brad: You arrive at the disc. it wants to gleam at you, but it is sad because you abandoned it. It looks up at you like a mistreated puppy with all the emotional depth a shiny disc can muster. Underneath the disc is a mushroom.
Shay: put tire on disc
Brad: don't understand disc
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: don't understand disc. Perhaps you should use the 2 or 3 word sentance structire we have all come to love in text adventure games. FIDEL CASTRO can teach you.
Shay: pause
Shay: dude, you're not even consistent about the two-word thing
Brad: are we editing this out?
Shay: yes
Brad: I know, it's at the whim of the computer
Shay: sigh
Shay: unpause
Shay: take disc
Brad: you take the disk with a giant sucking sound, as the rest of the disc comes out of the sodden ground. you notice a handle on the back of the disc.
Shay: e
Brad: You arrive back at the merrygoround factory picnic, the shipping container is still open, a FIDEL CASTRO is feasting on the commie bait in the jar. To the west is a hole, to the south is a magical sunlit land, to the north is a foggy expanse.
Shay: hit castro with disc
Brad: don't understand 'with' but I can fake it. YOu hit a FIDEL CASTRO with the disc. Nothing happens. FIDEL CASTRO is invincible, you dolt. Try trapping him in the shipping container.
Shay: turn off hints
Brad: Hints are lost forever.
Shay: close container
Brad: done
Shay: laugh
Brad: done
Shay: listen to screams of anguish with smile on face
Brad: done
Shay: s
Brad: done
Shay: look
Brad: loading....
Brad: done
Shay: turn on hints
Brad: Hints are pouty. and not speaking to you right now.
Shay: look
Brad: To the south is a cave
Brad: to the north is some trees
Brad: to t he west is a magical sunlit land
Brad: to the east is Clothes Hanger Flotilla 8000
Shay: e
Brad: you arrive at ClothesHangerFlotilla 8000, your Character creation screen.. Would you like to: Choose gender, choose length of beard, choose robotic implant
Shay: choose length of beard
Brad: You are presented with 4 options Long, ZZTOP, Short, or Tentacle.
Brad: As you don your ZZTOP beard, you hear the ghost of ABE LINCOLN step up to you and present you with a magical top hat. BE YE KIND TO YONDER MONKEY FARMERS, FOR THEIRS IS THE YOKE OF THE ANCIENTS. he says.
Shay: hug lincoln
Brad: Lincoln appreciates your kindness
Shay: choose robotic implant
Brad: As GHOST LINCOLN evaporates with a wink and a bristling of canvas, you choose from: LASER EYES, METALFEETHOPPINTIME2000, ROBOTSPIDERLEGSFORARMS2.9, orASSEMBLYLINEHIJINX SPINE UPGRADE
Brad: The tiny robotic slugs slowly emerge from the recesses, they dissolve your feet most painfully. As the last remnants of your human feet are eaten away by the slugjuices, the ROBOTOTRON assembles your hoppintime feet from the metal innards of 3 different copy machines.
Brad: You may now hop 1.3X higher
Shay: timehop 1492
Brad: You hop in the air to heights previously unreachable, and when you land, it is the distant future. The year is 1492. Whence columbus sailed the oceans blue.
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in future
Brad: the year is 1987.
Shay: look feet
Brad: Your feet are shiny and new. All aboard. They've been waiting for you. THE LOOOVE BOAT.
Brad: To the north is the LOVE BOAT. To the south is AMERICA to the west is Rodney Dangerfield. To the east is APPLE
Shay: hop e
Brad: You hop on down to where APPLE sits on the ground. APPLE is a norweigian pit viper. He looks dangerous.
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello, (read namestring $1). How are you today? May I interest you in a Baklava?
Shay: take baklava
Shay: throw baklava at APPLE
Brad: APPLE dodges BAKLAVA utilizing a low compression animation routine.
Brad: APPLE then bites your metallic feet
Brad: To the south is CUBA
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in past
Brad: loading
Brad: .....
Brad: you land on APPLE as he tries to bite your past self, stopping his attack, and therefore the reason to timehop back to stop the attack you just stopped. The resulting rupture in the time space continuum and logic fault in the program ceases the game world to function. You have crashed the game. You will now have your skin harvested by GHOST LINCOLN.
Brad: your skinned eyes behold GHOST LINCOLN as he neatly folds your body's largest organ for laundry day later. As you bleed to death, you notice the futility of time travel.
Shay: game over?
Brad: Don't understand ? Game exiting to desktop. ERROR #8927 Unknown error.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Adventure #2: Shay really wants to go to Cuba

Brad: You stand abandoned, near a burning tire and french fry box.
Brad: to the east is sadness. To the west is a scorpion hat. To the north is a pathway. to the south is Cuba
Shay: s
Brad: You can't go that way
Shay: look tire
Brad: Michelin 100022 with alcoa aluminum wheel. slightly on fire.
Shay: take fire
Brad: you set yuor arm on fire, it burns. but in a good way.
Shay: e
Brad: you travel east past the mountains and the deserts. You fjord a small river and pass a cottage, the sounds of humble music seeping out into the cold wintry night. As you arrive at e, you realize it's just not as exciting as the mountains and the desert, the tiny frogs in the stream. it's just an e.
Brad: To the west is happiness. to the south is cuba
Shay: look at e
Brad: you look towards happiness, mountains and frogs and cottage wenches and music
Shay: look at cuba
Brad: Cuba is mighty fine.
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: enter cottage
Brad: as you enter the cottage, a wench greets you. She looks like she's had one too many years around the spinning wheel.
Shay: ask wench about cuba
Brad: Aye, Cuba is mighty fine... mighty fine. But ye can't get there.
Shay: ask wench about boats
Brad: I've not seen boats around these parts in a possum's age. I once heard tell of a boat way west of the mountains.
Shay: leave cottage, w
Brad: You travel West, leaving teh cottage wench screaming in disgust. You pass the deserts, and realize you're stuck at the tiny frog river. On the ground is a spatula, beyond the river is an ogre.
Shay: ask ogre about cuba
Brad: the ruins of a bridge dripping from the ogre's mouth
Brad: don't understand about
Shay: look into spatula
Brad: don't understand spatula
Shay: take spatula
Brad: you wield aloft the mighty ExPatula, power and glory seem to seep into your skin.
Shay: remove clothes
Brad: To the south is Cuba
Shay: i
Brad: You are holding aloft the might ExPatula, you have a hat on, and your mouth is full of bees.
Shay: spit bees at ogre
Brad: you unleash a mighty swarm of ogre killin' bees. The ogre succumbs to the onslaught in a very framerate expensive particle effect, and lots of physics assets being thrown around.
Brad: the ogre now bridges the river.
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: w
Brad: Clothed only in your magical spatula, you bound across the ogre's rotting corpse, crossing the river, and pass on to the mountains. To the west is a clearing, to t he south is Cuba, to the north is the mountain queen's cabin, to the east is the ogrebridge
Shay: s
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: w
Brad: you enter a clearing, it looks strangely familiar. Ted is sleeping in the corner.
Shay: ask Ted about boat
Brad: Ted says boats are tasty, he hasn't had a good boat in several years.
Shay: w
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: s
Brad: the way is blocked
Shay: ask Ted about assassinating fidel castro
Brad: don't understand 'about'
Shay: pet Ted
Brad: ted purrs much like a largish spider would. He then constructs you a raft out of webbing and spittle.
Shay: enter raft
Brad: you enter the raft
Shay: s
Brad: to the south is a dock
Brad: you can't use a raft on dry land
Shay: exit raft, take raft, s, put raft in water, enter raft
Brad: You are in a raft. To the north is a dock to the east is water, to the west is the Island of Union Steelworkers, to t he south is Cuba
Shay: s
Brad: you have no oar.
Shay: take spatula, s
Brad: as you paddle fervently with your spatula southward, you encounter a whirlpool. to the east is water, to the west is the Island of uniion steelworkers, to the south is Cuba, inside the whirlpool is sparkly secrets
Shay: s
Brad: To t he south is CUBA
Shay: s
Brad: You travel south across the watery depths, with no provisions, no water, no shield for your pale, soft skin, you almost die from exposure. You and your raft wash up on CUBA. To the north is Alabama. To the south is southern CUBA. To the east is a mermaid assisted living home. To the west is SANDCASTLEPALOOZA. On teh ground is a map of Detroit
Shay: w
Shay: wait, i meant west.
Brad: You reach SANDCASTLEPALOOZA. It is closed.
Brad: you can't go that way
Shay: e
Brad: theway is blocked
Shay: unblock the damn way
Brad: perhaps you should look e
Shay: look e
Brad: Looking e, you realize the tide has come in, there's no way to reach the mermaid assisted living home. To the north is alabama across the ocean. To the south is southern CUBA. To the west is SANDCASTLEPALOOZA, which is closed. On the ground is a ray gun and a turtle named Eric.
Shay: take ray gun, tell eric hello
Brad: Eric greets you with a 40 and an 8 ball. He asks if you're in a gang.
Shay: ask Eric about Castro's whereabouts
Brad: Eric is drunk now.
Shay: s
Shay: wait
Shay: take eric
Brad: you take eric in a clear violation of text adventure causality. Eric sleeps softly against your naked skin. You travel south and come to a clearing.
Brad: to the east is Cindy's Exotic Garden Tools Emporium
Brad: to the west is MISSING TEXTURE
Brad: To the North is the beach
Brad: to the south is more CUBA
Shay: combine eric and spatula and ray gun to create thermonuclear device
Brad: don't understand and
Shay: s
Brad: you come to a tree. A tree house perches atop in the leaves, on the ground is a lighter, a bag of charcoal, some cheese, a container of worcestershire sauce, 3 marbles, a dead politician, some pieces of chalk, and a trained monkey.
Shay: look at dead politician
Brad: he's been killed by falling damage +3. His pockets are full of gold doubloons, and his suit might fit you. his vacant eyes stare at you from beyond this mortal coil. In his hand is a map of DETROIT
Shay: look at eyes
Brad: his eyes enchant you. you weep longingly for his warmth
Shay: contemplate mortality
Brad: You contemplate mortality.
Shay: contemplate futility of both communism and attempts to overthrow communism
Brad: don't understand 'attempts'
Shay: put ray gun in mouth
Brad: you chew on ray gun
Brad: the sand getting between your teeth
Shay: set eric free
Brad: you are eaten by chiggers.
Shay: game over?
Brad: game over
Brad: Eric was your chigger protector
Shay: dang

Adventure #1: Shay meets Ted the spider

Brad: You are in a large field, to the north is a spider. to the east is a fountain garden. To the west is a path to the south is Jamboree Physical Stimulation Simulation 5000 robotic excitement.
Shay: n
Brad: You arrive at Ted, the large spider. To the south is the crash site, to the east is a waffle, to the west is a dystopian nightmare replete with sadness and disappointment
Shay: look Ted
Brad: Ted regards you with contempt. He has a frying pan in one mandible and he guards a magic shoe on a stump.
Shay: ask Ted about shoe
Brad: don't understand about
Shay: take shoe
Brad: Ted disapproves
Shay: eat shoe
Brad: as the delicate shoe meat passes into your mouth, flavored by the feet of a hundred warriors, you succumb to an overdose of leather LSD. Ted removes your neck bones from the back of your spine, and you are eaten by chiggers
Shay: look chiggers
Brad: your zombie eyes gaze upon the army of chiggers high fiving Ted. Nice work, guys, he says.
Shay: stand
Brad: you stand, as ted inserts a thousand eggs into your abdomen. "I gotta propagate my species." Ted picks up the TV remote and puts it in the frying pan.
Shay: w
Brad: You go west to work at Midway
Shay: ouch
Shay: game over