Thursday, December 18, 2008

Adventure #3: Hints are pouty

Shay: sys 32592
Brad: Welcome to Brad And Shay's Textellent Adventure.
Brad: loading....
Brad: ...
Brad: ..
Brad: ....
Brad: ..
Brad: You stand in an empty shipping container, the door slightly ajar. To the east is the opening, on the floor is a jar.
Shay: look in jar
Brad: Inside the jar is bait
Shay: e
Brad: You exit the shipping container, you come out into the pouring rain. It's hard to see where you are, it could be Memphis, or a train station. To t he north is a foggy expanse of walkable area, to the south is a giant wall of tires, to the west is the shipping container, to the west is a cave.
Brad: to the west is some grass
Brad: to the west is a young man
Shay: look young man
Brad: The man is in his early 20s, standing on top of a shiny disc. He seems worried about a kind of Canadian hockey team.
Shay: tell young man hello
Brad: don't understand man
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello you say, as the young man melts into fluids. His shiny disk gleams in the rain.
Shay: look fluids
Brad: The fluids you seek have washed away
Shay: look disk
Brad: The disk left behind by Waldo the melted man has intricate writings and logos and trademark information etched into it's glowy, gleaming, glowing surface. It seems easy enough to step on, almost as if it wants you to be melted upon its comfortable looking to stand on surface.
Brad: It's probably made in china
Shay: s
Brad: You approach the giant wall of tires in disgust, as you left the disc behind and the jar of bait as well, without picking them up. The tires lean back and forth menacingly. Beyond the tires is a magical looking land where the sun is shining forth through the tires. The rain still pouring on your side of the tires, begins to get colder.
Shay: take tire
Brad: You take one solitary tire, its normal mapped contours and specular highlights glinting in the dynamic lighting from beyond. A complex material of trickling water cascades across its surface. You regard these next gen graphics with awe and wonder.
Brad: The rest of the tires collapse, opening the way south
Brad: To the south is a sunlit land, to the north is rain,
Shay: n
Brad: you arrive back at the shipping container, you notice it's empty, save for a jar of bait. And a new inhabitant. FIDEL CASTRO.
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: The disc is West
Shay: w
Brad: You arrive at the disc. it wants to gleam at you, but it is sad because you abandoned it. It looks up at you like a mistreated puppy with all the emotional depth a shiny disc can muster. Underneath the disc is a mushroom.
Shay: put tire on disc
Brad: don't understand disc
Shay: put tire on disk
Brad: don't understand disc. Perhaps you should use the 2 or 3 word sentance structire we have all come to love in text adventure games. FIDEL CASTRO can teach you.
Shay: pause
Shay: dude, you're not even consistent about the two-word thing
Brad: are we editing this out?
Shay: yes
Brad: I know, it's at the whim of the computer
Shay: sigh
Shay: unpause
Shay: take disc
Brad: you take the disk with a giant sucking sound, as the rest of the disc comes out of the sodden ground. you notice a handle on the back of the disc.
Shay: e
Brad: You arrive back at the merrygoround factory picnic, the shipping container is still open, a FIDEL CASTRO is feasting on the commie bait in the jar. To the west is a hole, to the south is a magical sunlit land, to the north is a foggy expanse.
Shay: hit castro with disc
Brad: don't understand 'with' but I can fake it. YOu hit a FIDEL CASTRO with the disc. Nothing happens. FIDEL CASTRO is invincible, you dolt. Try trapping him in the shipping container.
Shay: turn off hints
Brad: Hints are lost forever.
Shay: close container
Brad: done
Shay: laugh
Brad: done
Shay: listen to screams of anguish with smile on face
Brad: done
Shay: s
Brad: done
Shay: look
Brad: loading....
Brad: done
Shay: turn on hints
Brad: Hints are pouty. and not speaking to you right now.
Shay: look
Brad: To the south is a cave
Brad: to the north is some trees
Brad: to t he west is a magical sunlit land
Brad: to the east is Clothes Hanger Flotilla 8000
Shay: e
Brad: you arrive at ClothesHangerFlotilla 8000, your Character creation screen.. Would you like to: Choose gender, choose length of beard, choose robotic implant
Shay: choose length of beard
Brad: You are presented with 4 options Long, ZZTOP, Short, or Tentacle.
Brad: As you don your ZZTOP beard, you hear the ghost of ABE LINCOLN step up to you and present you with a magical top hat. BE YE KIND TO YONDER MONKEY FARMERS, FOR THEIRS IS THE YOKE OF THE ANCIENTS. he says.
Shay: hug lincoln
Brad: Lincoln appreciates your kindness
Shay: choose robotic implant
Brad: As GHOST LINCOLN evaporates with a wink and a bristling of canvas, you choose from: LASER EYES, METALFEETHOPPINTIME2000, ROBOTSPIDERLEGSFORARMS2.9, orASSEMBLYLINEHIJINX SPINE UPGRADE
Brad: The tiny robotic slugs slowly emerge from the recesses, they dissolve your feet most painfully. As the last remnants of your human feet are eaten away by the slugjuices, the ROBOTOTRON assembles your hoppintime feet from the metal innards of 3 different copy machines.
Brad: You may now hop 1.3X higher
Shay: timehop 1492
Brad: You hop in the air to heights previously unreachable, and when you land, it is the distant future. The year is 1492. Whence columbus sailed the oceans blue.
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in future
Brad: the year is 1987.
Shay: look feet
Brad: Your feet are shiny and new. All aboard. They've been waiting for you. THE LOOOVE BOAT.
Brad: To the north is the LOVE BOAT. To the south is AMERICA to the west is Rodney Dangerfield. To the east is APPLE
Shay: hop e
Brad: You hop on down to where APPLE sits on the ground. APPLE is a norweigian pit viper. He looks dangerous.
Shay: say hello
Brad: Hello, (read namestring $1). How are you today? May I interest you in a Baklava?
Shay: take baklava
Shay: throw baklava at APPLE
Brad: APPLE dodges BAKLAVA utilizing a low compression animation routine.
Brad: APPLE then bites your metallic feet
Brad: To the south is CUBA
Shay: timehop 5 seconds in past
Brad: loading
Brad: .....
Brad: you land on APPLE as he tries to bite your past self, stopping his attack, and therefore the reason to timehop back to stop the attack you just stopped. The resulting rupture in the time space continuum and logic fault in the program ceases the game world to function. You have crashed the game. You will now have your skin harvested by GHOST LINCOLN.
Brad: your skinned eyes behold GHOST LINCOLN as he neatly folds your body's largest organ for laundry day later. As you bleed to death, you notice the futility of time travel.
Shay: game over?
Brad: Don't understand ? Game exiting to desktop. ERROR #8927 Unknown error.

1 comment:

  1. or stack overflow error, a personal favorite.