Shay: Welcome to Brad & Shay's Textellent Adventure!
Shay: You are standing in a marsh, surrounded by bog. Before you is a mailbox painted fuschia. To the north is a winding road. To the east is a bog. To the south is two bogs. To the west is a raptor village.
Shay: You are holding: a letter from your long-lost illegitimate son; a watermelon; a rusty knife; and a pink stuffed bunny for some reason.
Brad: Dance Jig
Shay: You dance a merry jig, attracting the attention of several raptors to the west
Brad: Take Mailbox
Shay: The mailbox is deeply rooted in the ground, but your mutant arm is able to yank it from the earth. You wield it threateningly at the raptors, which now surround you. Their glasses and hats glint in the light of their torches. "HE'S A WITCH!" they shriek.
Brad: Hug Raptors
Shay: The raptor hillbillies are touched by your display of friendliness. After conferring briefly, they agree to only devour your bewitched right arm. As they gobble it down, the mailbox falls to the ground and a package falls out of it.
Shay: The raptors move off to the west.
Brad: cauterize wound, wave g'day to raptors, open package
Shay: Out of the package hops FRED the pot-bellied pig and world-class high-fiver.
Shay: "I can help thee in thy search for thy illegitimate son... but thou must first answer my riddle: what is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Brad: Eat Fred
Shay: Without warning, you body-slam Fred, instantly crushing every bone in his innocent pig body. As you messily devour him, you find the Key of the Frozen North in his intestines. You have contracted salmonella. You have lost favor with Porkins the god of Pigs. You have gained favor with Gorgo, god of gluttony.
Brad: enhance relationship with Gorgo, Take Key, Create intestine golem.
Shay: You gorge yourself on pig meat in a disgusting display of excess. With the power granted you by the glutton lord, you use FRED's intestines to create SAM the intestine golem. "Wot business today, guv'nah?" asks Sam, with a tip of his fleshy hat.
Shay: The raptors in the village to the west are having a square dance. To the north is a path. Sam the intestine creature is here. "Blimey! Wot we doin' guv'nah?" he says.
Shay: You arrive at an infinite wall. Before the gate stands Jay the Knife Ghost. Sam looks upon him haughtily. "Don't care fer the look of that character none at all, guv'nah!"
Brad: invert sam
Shay: Sam happily inverts himself. "Crikey! G'day mate!" he says. Jay gazes upon these antics humorlessly, sharpening his blades in silence.
Brad: use inverted sam
Shay: You bum $5 off Sam. He feels used. You gain favor with SPONGOR, god of deadbeats.
Brad: confuse Jay
Shay: You hypnotize Jay; he becomes convinced you are a pincushion. As you lie bleeding on the ground, you hear Sam tell Jay, "Crikey, I never liked that bloke anyway!"
Shay: You awake in VALHALLA. Before you are Gorgon, Porkins, and Spongor. Porkins gazes upon you with great wrath in his divine porcine visage.
Brad: consider LASIK surgery
Shay: As you ponder the non sequitir of eye lasers, you recognize Spongor as your long-lost illegitimate son, now ascended to godly form. Unfortunately your reunion with him is cut short, as even he and Gorgo together cannot restrain PORKINS as he devours you. You will spend eternity being digested by a pig. How ironic.
Shay: Score: 2,000,678 out of 5 trillion.