A different number.

Brad: #62

[long pause]

Brad: you there, with pants
Shay: who are you talking to?
Brad: I assume you have pants
Brad: Perhaps not
Shay: you know what happens when you assume
Shay: ...I take off my pants.
Brad: I ... no.
Brad: Catacombs is at #61
IQpierce: was that the number you sent me earlier?
Brad: No, that was a different number
Shay: that was the number of cheese monkeys?
Brad: that was #62
Brad: #61 is one less
Brad: I wish I had a cheesemonkey
Brad: I want a snack
Shay: me too. so that's awesome, I bet it's rising fast now that it's featured by Apple
Shay: I've heard that's a huge deal
Brad: bigtime
Brad: like, it wasn't in the top 100 yesterday
Shay: wow
Brad: It is the gentle gaze of favor from apple
Shay: I like the flavor of apples.
Brad: In soviet russia, you are ground up into paste and fed to pirates
Shay: ahahahahaha
Shay: all right go post this entire conversation on the blog.
Shay: just the pants onwards
Brad: no, the pants downwards
Shay does a rimshot on his sweet drum set
Shay: man that sounds kinda wrong.
Brad: it must be out of tune
Shay: haha

Adventure #21: Confusion in the Arcade

Brad: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Brad: ::::::::::::::::FANTASY STORY:::::::::::::
Brad: ::::::::INSERT COIN::::::::::::::::::
Shay: insert coin
Brad: :::::::::::Insufficient funds:::::::::::::::
Shay yells NOOO!
Shay inserts another coin
Brad: :::::::::::: Credit one play :::::::::::::::
Shay says "sweet."
Brad: Choose Character - RUFFIAN, MURDERSHOES, DUCKBILLED PLESIOSAURUS
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: ENTER NAME ___________________
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: Welcome, RUFFIAN RUFFIAN, Select character class. MAGE, GYPSY, COMMUNISM
Shay: RUFFIAN
Brad: RUFFIAN Character class requires addional DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT: INSERT COIN
Shay inserts a coin
Brad: ACHIVEMENT UNLOCKED: McGullibleCoingiver
Brad: RUFFIAN RUFFIAN, the famed RUFFIAN will now descend into the depths of MAULCLORTH ISLAND DUNGEON SPACE STATION.
Shay: oh awesome!
Brad: Your quest begins in .... INSERT COIN TO CONTINUE.....
Shay: aw man!
Shay goes to beg his parents for more money
Brad: 10
Brad: 9
Brad: 8
Brad: 7
Brad: 6
Brad: 5
Shay whines loudly
Brad: 4
Brad: 3
Shay inserts coin
Brad: 2
Brad: ...... .. ............... loading
Shay: whew!
Brad: You have been captured by PIRATE CRIPPLERS. And placed in the BRIG. There is a shaven elk, a three legged stool, a lot of hay on the ground, and the sound of cowbell in the DISTANCE
Shay: say "Arrrrg yer varments ! feer me i am theRUFFIAN
Brad: Don't understand FEER.
Shay: pet elk
Brad: The elk returns the favor, slowly
Brad: you have befriended elk. +14 points
Shay: look brig
Brad: You are deep with in a BRIG. The weathered wooden walls, and barrier between you and ELK seem roughly hewn. A covering of STRAW AND HAY covers the dirt floors. You see one end of BRIG is used to store FEED AND SUPPLIES
Shay: give hay to elk
Shay says "this is so sweet"
Brad: The ELK returns the favor, slowly
Shay: pul out swurd
Brad: You pull out your swurd. It is an elegant swurd. Covered in honey, and very spongy. You hear a COWBELL in the DISTANCE
Shay: brek out of jail with swurd
Brad: Don't understand JAIL
Brad: Or Brek
Brad: Or Swurd for that matter
Brad: -47 points
Shay: BREAK out of BRIG with swurd
Brad: -12 points
Shay says "What? This thing is grading me!!!"
Shay: BREAK out of BRIG with SWORD
Shay says "Stupid thing."
Brad: You hold your SWORD high aloft, as you walk out of the BRIG through the wooden door next to the HAY AND FEED. A tractor trundles by as you realize the BRIG was nothing more than OLD MAN CRABTREE'S BARN. You have been TRIPPING
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!
Brad: LSDEEZ NUTS
Shay says "Whoa, this thing just blew my mind."
Shay: look
Brad: You are standing in a FARM. BARN is to the WEST. FARMHOUSE is to the EAST. To the NORTH is CORNFIELD OF DELIGHT. To the South is COWBELL's R US.
Shay: e
Shay says "I'm going to kill someone with this sword yet."
Brad: You venture forth towards the FARMHOUSE. A sign by the MAILBOX reads "Welcome to OLD MAN CRABTREE'S FARMIN' HOUSE OF FARMIN." At the ground lay a DROID LEG
Shay: look leg
Brad: It is a human leg, connected to your body, shaven on one side, and tatoo'd with various representations of speed limit signs of different regions of the world.
Shay yells "Whoa what? ...Oh wait that's MY leg? Dang this game is CRAZY!"
Shay: look at droid leg
Brad: As you examine the DROID LEG, you realize it's your long lost hallucinated droid sidekick AYNine FONZie's Leg. With a strange SWURD SHAPED HOLE.
Brad: SECRET FOUND!
Brad: ::::DROIDKILLER IS YOU::::::
Brad: -210 honor points
Shay says "What? I didn't even get the fun of killing it!"
Shay: enter farmhouse
Brad: The farmhouse is LOCKED. You hear sirens in the DISTANCE over the cowbell
Shay: hit lock with sword!
Brad: +2 XP
Shay says "Sweet!"
Brad: The LOCK DIES A GUTTERING DEATH. {MURDERCOUNT +1 Total murdercount 289{
Shay says "Whoa whoever played this last murdered a LOT"
Shay says "gotta beat the high score"
Shay: enter farmhouse
Brad: The COWBELL is louder in the farmhouse, as if it's coming through the open windows in the BACK OF THE FARMHOUSE. Sirens seem to be coming closer
Shay: look for victims
Brad: There is a HEADLESS VICTIM missing one LEG in the corner, a smashed BANJO on the table, and you stop your advance as parts of a DROID FACE crunch under your HUMAN FOOT.
Shay: look out windows
Brad: You see police cars entering the driveway near the CORNFIELD. as you look, you notice your REFLECTION.
Brad: You are shocked to see your own HUMAN HEAD attached to a glistening ROBOT BODY.
Brad: SELF REALIZATION UNLOCKED! UR OWN MURDERER!
Shay says "Huh? Wait, what?"
Shay says "Did I MURDER MYSELF? HOLY CRAP!"
Brad: SIRENS getting louder
Shay panics
Shay inserts coin
Brad: :::::::COIN REFUSED::::::::: IDENTITY CONFIRMED:::::::::AUTHORITIES ON WAY:::::
Shay says "WHAT?!!!!?"
Shay: no i am not a murderer i am 13 yrs old
Shay: do not call the polece
Shay: !!
Brad: From outside the FARMHOUSE you hear: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, AYNine FONZie. You are wanted for the MURDER OF SHAY PIERCE
Shay says "What is going on?!? How does this game know my name??"
Shay: throw sword at coppers
Brad: ROBOT HUNTERS and POLICE Surround the house. Your SWORD Is caught by The CHIEF INVESTIGATOR as evidence of your HEINOUS CRIMES.
Shay: shoot coppers with laser eyes
Brad: -2,800 points - EVIDENCE LOST
Brad: Your eyes are human, your head has been transplanted onto the murderer robot. Also your leg. You will be forever punished for crimes you did not commit, but now appear to have committed to the POLICE.
Brad: The AUTHORITIES break down the door and capture you
Shay says "I STILL DON'T GET WHAT IS GOING ON I'M ONLY 13 WHAT IS HAPPENING"
Shay begins tearing up a bit
Brad: As you are being led away to the ROBOT COURT, you hear the semicrushed robot face of AYNine FONZie laughing evilly at you as you pay for his crimes
Shay says "Wait!"
Brad: Game Over
Shay begins crying openly
Brad: Secrets unlocked 14
Shay inserts coin
Brad: Emotional damage +17
Brad: ::::::INSUFFICIENT CREDIT:::::::::

Developer Diary #3: Exploration

Brad: thing is, you aren't saying Look Around very often
Brad: so I can't paint a picture of where you are, and entice you into things
Shay: yeah I don't, but that's partly because 90% of the time I look at something, you cause 3 other things to happen
Brad: I mean, an island of dessert? you didn't even look around
Brad: Ah, ok
Shay: heh, yeah, I did want to explore the dessert island a bit more
Shay: I like exploring your weird ideas, it's just hard to when a chigger is jumping out of every broccolibush
Brad: there was a myriad of interesting aspects to DESSERT ISLAND, now reduced to a smoldering crater in the west pacific
Shay: I'll do a better job of exploring your next creation before you destroy it for no reason

Adventure #19: Dessert Island

Shay: I recognize Festivus
Shay: But I don't have a Festivus Pole...
Brad: I gave your mom a festivus pole
Shay: ooooh snap sys 37829032
Brad: Welcome to Shay and Brad's Textellent SPOOKYTOWN Adventure.
Brad: You have been abandoned on a dessert island. There are no eskimos to barter with.
Shay: look eskimo
Brad: There are no Eskimos with which to Barter.
Shay: look esquimaux
Brad: To the East is a lone Esquimaux. He has been frozen solid, a stone visage of his former self, slightly eroded, and marked by pidgeons.
Brad: pigeons
Shay: look pidgeons
Brad: Don't understand pidgeons.
Shay: i
Brad: You wield FLAMING SHOULDERPADS OF VALOR, seven cans of SPAM, an ornate map in a language you do not understand, could be pigeonspeak.
Shay: look pigeon markings
Brad: It appears as though it is a map of the DESSERT ISLAND. The vernacular seems to be a dialect of chickenscratch.
Shay: i meant the pigeon markings on the frozen esquimaux
Brad: Don't understand "the"
Shay: n
Brad: You venture North, precariously close to MERINGUE CLIFF.
Brad: The cool sea breezes tousle your hair as if it was so many cornhusks draping a roundish bowling ball
Shay: sniff cliff
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - CLIFF CLAVEN
Brad: MERINGUE CLIFF smells of pies and nostalgia, it could be eaten, or shoveled away. There appears a DARK SHAPE underneath
Shay: look dark shape
Brad: It's a dark shape alright, dark and shapey.
Brad: perhaps you should uncover it, and touch it
Shay: eat meringue in direction of dark shape
Brad: You engage mouth parts and attack the MERINGUE CLIFF with the vigor of a dutch stable boy. As you near the DARK SHAPE, you realize it's none other than an ACME HOLE-O-MATIC black circle. These are used to put holes in the sides of walls, the floor, etc. in CARTOONS>
Shay: take hole-o-matic
Brad: you pry up t he HOLE-O-MATIC and carefully roll it up and stow it in your BAG OF HOLDING. Unfortunately the infinite bag of holding reacts poorly with the HOLE O MATIC and produces an unstable FICTIONAL SINGULARITY.
Brad: You are faced with a TEMPORAL PARADOX SUNDAE
Shay: add meringue to sundae
Brad: With great skill, you apply the remaining MERINGUE to the SUNDAE. with a loud POP and fizzle, the miniature black hole is appeased and you are left alone on DESSERT ISLAND NORTH SHORE AND TAXIDERMY STATION with no bag of holding and no HOLE-O-MATIC
Shay: eat sundae
Brad: You consume the SUNDAE. You have gained I SCREAM HEADACHE
Shay: scream
Brad: You scream a scream of a thousand screams. Your voice shredding your vocal cords like a shredder going through vocal cords and old bills. As your wailing voice echoes out through the DESSERT ISLAND, you notice a rustling in the BROCCOLIBUSHES
Shay: look broccolibushes
Brad: The BROCCOLIBUSHES seem out of place on a DESSERT ISLAND, a weathered sign post peeks out from the bush, some faint letters in ENGLISH are written hence.
Shay: look sign
Brad: The sign reads 'BEWARE OF KILLER BROCCOLI, IT DON'T BELONG HERE RUN FAR AWAAAYYYYY,,, AGGHGHHHHHHHhhhhhhggghhghgh.......ack'
Shay: throw can of spam into broccolibushes
Brad: As you reach for your can of SPAM, the BROCCOLIBUSHES dance and shimmy, and part forcibly as a GIANT CHIGGER leapeth forth in a growling attack.
Shay: throw can of spam into chigger
Brad: Your girly throw lands 3 feet from you, and the GIANT CHIGGER pounces on your beginning a chew session that will probably end your life.
Brad: As you are being chewed, you notice that the SIGN has been toppled over to the other side, and it reads " HA IT WAS A TRAP, no one takes the time to write out AUUUGGHGHHHHHH. Who would do that anyway, also, while you are reading this, you're probably being chewed to death by Frank the GIANT CHIGGER"
Shay: look Frank
Brad: You use your eyes to percieve FRANK THE GIANT CHIGGER as he is chewing your leg off. He is large, chigger shaped and is wearing a mechanic's shirt with "paul" on the name tag.
Shay: pray to chigger gods
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: SPANISH INQUISITION!
Brad: The chigger gods do not exist, but your pious display pleases FRANK. He stops chewing your leg, though it is terminally damaged. You now have -1 leg.
Shay: ask frank his name
Brad: As you ask FRANK his name, a METEORITE hits DESSERT ISLAND. You and your new friend FRANK are reduced to atoms.
Brad: You are dead
Brad: Score 819
Brad: Achievements unlocked 9
Brad: Fancy ponies resqued - 0
Shay: view achievements
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Hamburger helper
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Iraddiated Dating
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - Nut Bread
Brad: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED - CAT SCAN SUNGLASSES
Brad: SECRET - made for a man, but strong enough for you
Shay: check spelling of rescued, pigeons, and eskimo
Brad: Syntaz Eror.

Adventure #18: Shay is a burning thing... and he makes... well, you know.

Shay: sys 360150
Brad: Welcome Pilgrim, to Brad and Shay's WESTERN CATACLYSM APOCOLYPSE. Please enter your name.
Shay: goingtoameetingbbs
Brad: Ok, Jimmy. You have wandered into the wild west town of Western GULCHVILLEBURGTON. Please select your PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. A: CATTLE DROVER WITH CAFFEINE DEFICIENCY; B: PROFESSIONAL GOAT STRAIGHTENER; C: CEL SHADED
Shay: C
Brad: You have chosen CEL SHADED. You have been rendered two dimensional and the wind blows you away like the tumblin TUMBLEWEEDS. You get caught on a singing CACTUS, and its quills puncture your vectorized body. You have died.
Brad: Score -5
Brad: Amazing western treasures discovered 0
Shay: was that our shortest game ever, or our longest game ever?
Brad: Yes.
Brad: You should have chosen John Wayne as your character likeness.
Shay: sys 204820
Brad: Game crash. Try again tomorrow
Shay: (sobs)
Brad: Your tears short out the keyboard of your vintage Commodore 64 Game console. You are electrocuted, and are found the next day by your cleaning lady.
Brad: Score -239
Brad: Post Mortem Embarassment +43
Shay: look screen
Brad: You are dead.
Shay: turn off screen
Brad: You are dead. Choose: A VALHALLA; B DETROIT; C REINCARNATION
Shay: john wayne
Brad: You have arrived at the saloon "WHISKEYTOOTH SUMMER REVIVAL"
Brad: A two dimensional being catches your eye as it is whisked away by WIND.
Shay: look saloon
Brad: WHISKEYTOOTH SUMMER REVIVAL SALOON AND STEAKHOUSE EMPORIUM. Baths 50 cents.
Brad: There is a man leaning on a post.
Shay: look man
Brad: He is known by some as INCREDULOUS BART. He nods at you, acknowledging your COWBOY HAT OF FIRE.
Shay: nod back, enter saloon dramatically
Brad: SWAGGER +6
Brad: You enter the saloon, all music, dancing, card playing, saloonery stops. The inhabitants eye you as if you have just walked in from the out of doors. Somewhere in the distance, a two dimensional being begins leaking on a cactus.
Shay: stamp loudly up to bar, jingling spurs, order glass of firewater
Brad: The barkeep cannot do that.
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The barkeep is sourly dressed, unhappily attempting to tend bar with a SEVERE AILMENT OF ARMS -2.
Shay: i
Brad: You empty your pockets onto the bar. You have been carrying: 11 trained scorpions, ERROR PASTE, Two Barkeeper Arms. As the arms flop onto the bar, the SALOONERY activity stops almost into the negative. INCREDULOUS BART rushes in and in a slow motion extraveganza of intense action, accuses you of ARMED ROBBERY. The Barkeep blames you for stealing his arms. The crowd slowly turns menacing.
Shay: squint at bart
Brad: You squint at Bart. FLAMES erupt out of your eyeholes and reduce BART to a heap of ash and disappointment. You instantly feel awash in regret, for you never had a chance to know BART. You were like two butterflies who had also never gotten a chance to know each other. REPUTATION WITH SALOON CROWD REDUCED BY 3,000
Shay: check reputations
Brad: REPUTATION WITH SALOON CROWD -17,983
Brad: REPUTATION WITH ARCHIMEDES OWLERY 23
Brad: REPUTATION WITH ADVANCED HIPPOPOTAMUS CYBORGS 830,349,483,038.0
Brad: REPUATION WITH IRONGOSLING CIRCUS FOLK -2
Shay: look saloon crowd
Brad: You cast your gaze upon the saloon crowd. In the back, hiding amongst the grubby ilk, a fair maiden watcheth.
Brad: You might see better if you squint. It is smoky in here
Shay: squint at maiden
Brad: FLAMECRAFT +3
Brad: You watch hopelessly as FLAMES FROM YOUR EYEHOLES incinerate the fair maiden and most of the Saloon crowd in the area
Shay: look barkeep
Brad: The poor BARKEEP ERUPTS IN FIRE. A smoldering heap of armless ash coalesces before you. You have unlocked the achievement: PANICHANDLER
Shay: close eyes
Brad: Your eyelids ERUPT IN FLAMES. Health -89
Shay: claw out eyes
Brad: You attempt to claw your eyes out, but YOUR HANDS ARE NOW MELTING FROM THE FIRE. You apologize to the people you have slain with your heat vision. They cannot hear you. They are slain.
Shay: claw out eyes with barkeep arms
Brad: You have some difficulty picking up BARKEEP ARMS with burned bloody nubs.
Shay: toss head, remove FIREHAT
Brad: You remove your own head, tossing it in the corner. As it rolls to a stop, your gaze settles on your body, the full force of HEATVISION slowly melting your body to ash. You have died.
Brad: Score 630
Shay: ...i didn't mean "toss head" in that way
Brad: Don't understand "mean"

Adventure #17: The Ol' Switcharoo

Shay: sys 378204
Brad: Greetings, Traveller, you have entered the CATACOMBS OF THE INVISIBLE SWORDSMEN
Brad: The year is 1873, you have been drafted by the militia of the red handed scalawags, to search out the lost remains of the mysterious CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE
Shay: look swordsmen
Brad: You cannot. They be invisible
Shay: i
Brad: You carry with you a: Empty duffel bag; matches; bubbletape; malfunctioning TIMEPANTS; A rusty key
Shay: look clawhammer of fortitude
Brad: It is not here
Shay: chew bubbletape, look
Brad: You tear off a piece of the bubbletape. Chicken flavor. You glance around the catacombs. To the North is a section of catacombs that has caved in. To the South is the entrance to the catacombs. To the East is COAT CHECK STATION. To the West is RADAR COMMAND.
Shay: get bored with this game
Brad: You have died of boredom.
Shay: !
Brad: Score -29
Brad: Secrets Uncovered 0 or 56
Shay: 56
Brad: Secrets uncovered 56
Shay: You have uncovered 56 secrets. One of them particularly catches your eye; it is a GLASS OF TIMEJUICE.
Shay: A grue enters the room.
Brad: Examine timejuice
Shay: It is blue, you can clearly see bits of time floating in it. Pulsating.
Brad: Add an L to the Grue
Shay: LGrue says "'Ello governor. Would you like a carrot? I gots me some mighty fine carrots from the Rabbit King, sho' 'nuff'
Shay: "And thank ye kindly for the L m'lord"
Brad: Respect LGrue
Shay: LGrue taps two fingers to his chest. "Word to ya motha homie. RESPECT back at cha." He has given you EIGHTEEN GOLDEN CARROTS.
Brad: i
Shay: You fall to the ground under the weight of the carrots.
Brad: Inventory
Shay: You are carrying: 18 golden carrots; a crushed egg; a shattered crystal ball; a wrinkled treasure map; a great deal of impatience
Brad: L
Brad: LOOK
Shay: You are lying on the ground in front of Lgrue. To the west is a grue village. To the north is a Talking Mountain. To the south is a sign that says "Wrong way. Talking mountain is to the northing." To the east is a sign that says, "Dude, seriously... Talking Mountain north of here. For reals."
Brad: Gather signs
Shay: Don't understand gather
Brad: get signs
Shay: Don't understand signs
Brad: Get Jiggy Widdit
Shay: Don't understand why you're not going to the talking mountain right now.
Brad: North
Shay: You fall into a pit and die.
Shay: Secrets found: 1,280 of 5,270
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Pit Faller!
Brad: drink timejuice on the way down
Shay: Achievement unlocked: Timetravelled! You find yourself standing before Solomon the King. Two ladies are arguing over you on either side, each claiming you are their child. Solomon has just grasped his sword. If you say "WAIT I AM NOT A BABY", turn to page 55. If you try to wrest the sword from solomon's hand, turn to page 1,794. If you drink more timejuice, turn to page 478.
Brad: 478
Shay: That page is stuck to page #479.
Shay: With peanut butter. You are a sloppy eater!
Brad: Read cover of book
Shay: The cover of the book reads "ANGRY HENRY'S FANTASTIC ADVENTURES THROUGH TIME SEARCHING FOR THE LOST SHARDS OF WILLIAM SHATNER'S FALSE TEETH: PART 47: The Return of Lieutenant McSaucyPants. By Brad Lewis and Shay Pierce, as told to Leonard Nimoy."
Shay: "A Choose-Your-Own-Text-Adventure Book."
Brad: Rate book 3 stars
Shay: You click on the 3 stars button. "Thank you for rating this book!"
Brad: up up down down left right left right B A Start
Shay: You turn the book in several directions, BAH at it, and start reading on a random page. It is page 270. "You are standing on the grassy knoll, holding a gun in your hand. The handsome man's car is proceeding down the street. If you shoot him, turn to page 271. If you create a temporal anomaly, turn to page 0."
Brad: 0
Shay: You turn to page 0 to find a black hole. You and your collection of lightsabers are being pulled into the black hole.
Shay: Your wife enters the room. "What in the sam hill is going on in here? Is that another black hole?"
Brad: Initialize SAM HILL
Shay: You flip the switch on your prototype android SamHill 3000, praying that there is no bugs in his programming. He starts up and says "Hello world!" He gazes about the room. "What in me is that thing? A Black Hole?"
Brad: Ebay black hole
Shay: You put the black hole on eBay but have no bids after two weeks. You receive a private message from user "Shazenmeister" offering you to purchase it for 8 chicken bones if you will throw in your CLAWHAMMER OF FORTITUDE.
Brad: ACCEPT OMG ACCEPT
Shay: i accept the trade and win the game
Brad: Well played, sir
Shay: Points awarded: 1 million each

Adventure #16: Finger-lickin' good (feat. Marshall)

Marshall: dude
Marshall: I accidentally hit my hot key for array,...
Marshall: and my last array was of 200 instances. oops!
Marshall: all of a sudden I had 200 copies of this mesh all over teh place
Brad: You have discovered: CRASH MAX BUTTON. You have leveled up
Marshall: check button
Brad: It is full of lint, and slightly musty. Perhaps you should wash it sometime.
Marshall: press button
Brad: you feel a pain in your guts.
Marshall: ack
Marshall: check guts
Brad: Your guts have been penetrated by a SPEAR
Marshall: take spear
Brad: You remove the ancient egyptian spear from your guts, the wound healing magically behind it. It is a scale model of CLEOPATRA'S SPEAR.
Marshall: find cleopatra
Brad: You reach for an encyclopedia. You turn to the C section. You are turning the pages when you inflict MASSIVE PAPERCUT -128 DAMAGE on yourself.
Brad: You have 13 health
Marshall: use spear
Brad: You use spear on the papercut, hoping to heal yourself. Unfortuately, there are no instructions on the spear, and you end up severing a finger, and widening the BLOODSPURTING FANDANGO PAPERCUTPALOOZA.
Brad: You have 4 health
Marshall: take finger
Brad: You include your finger in your inventory
Marshall: look around
Brad: You are in a cylindrical room, lined with books. A skylight at the top of the domed roof lets in a tired wisp of sunset. The threadbare rug on the floor seems to conceal a trapdoor at one edge, a single door to the left seems barred shut. A scent of cheese drifts through the room. A MASSIVE POOL OF BLOODY ENCYCLOPEDIA PAGES AND FINGER BITS rest at your feet.
Marshall: lift rug , check out trap door
Brad: You reach down to lift the rug, scattering dust and such into the air, you look at the trap door, longingly, wondering if it would go out with you. Just as you're about to ask for it's number, the trap door drops open underneath you, allowing you free and unrestricted access to the PIT OF DISCOMFORT
Brad: You awaken at the bottom of the pit disoriented and BLEEDING FROM EPIC PAPERCUT and broken elbow
Marshall: scream like a girl
Brad: Your girlish screams echo off the dank mildewy walls.
Marshall: check health
Brad: Your health is 0.03
Marshall: eat severed finger
Brad: You eat your finger, and it displeases your bowels. The slight stomach discomfort reduces your health by 0.04.
Brad: You have died
Marshall: dang
Brad: Score 825
Brad: Secrets revealed 2.5
Marshall: I was hopign the finger would give me energy
Marshall: if not, I was goign to stab myself with spear
Brad: No, it gave you a slight tummy ache, perhaps if you'd cooked it
Marshall: Im no good at this
Brad: Perhaps you should try "Easy Adventures in Comfort Valley"as a warm up
Marshall: true.